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Thursday, October 1, 2009

Where I Stand Today

My husband and I wanted six children. That's right. SIX. We wanted a huge family. Nothing's really changed, we'd still love a big family, but developing a fear of pregnancy kind of puts a damper in things, wouldn't you say? How can I want something so badly and be frozen by fear? I mean, all of my pregnancies had the possibility of a horrible outcome, but that wouldn't happen to me... Except it did.

So now I'm scared...

I haven't been on birth control for over a month now. I was on the Nuva Ring, and absolutely LOVED it. I used it for three months before my insurance ran out. I'd researched it online and found its price range to be anywhere between $15 and $50. Of course, I was hoping I'd find it on the lower end of the spectrum, but I could still swing $50 a month.... I just wouldn't be happy about it.

I walked into the drug store to have my prescription filled and happened to ask the woman how much it would cost without my insurance. My eyes must have popped out of my head when she told me $79.66! Are you kidding me! Eighty dollars a month for birth control? Can I have it for fifty please? No wonder so many people are getting pregnant. That's ridiculous. I told the woman at the counter as gracefully as I could there was no way I'd pay that before turning around and walking out.

But over a month later I am so paranoid about getting pregnant. I swear my husband has bionic swimmers that can get me pregnant with a glance. So I've been pretty selfish when it comes to fulfilling my husband's needs. It makes me feel horrible to think I might be making my husband feel neglected or unwanted. I really want to connect with him on that intimate level as well... I just miss how easy it used to be before I became so terrified.

Last week, my monthly friend was six days late in visiting me. Poor Celia had to try to calm my irrational fears of being pregnant. It's great to have someone to freak out to, who loving listens without judging and tries to soothe improbable fears. "Do you feel like you could be pregnant although you've been SO careful?", she asked me. Well, no. I didn't feel pregnant, but I'm usually like clock work.

Six days of freaking out later, I found out I wasn't. And you know what? Part of me was a little bit disappointed. I not once hoped that "maybe I might be". My prayer was more along the lines of "God, don't you dare!". But I felt that tinge of "oh well " and only then did I realize how nice it would have been to be nurturing another life inside a stomach that feels so empty.

Now, please don't misunderstand what I'm saying here. I still have no desire to be pregnant. I'm way too messed up to even think about trying again. I honestly don't think Joseph and I will ever actually "try" for another baby. The only way I see us ever becoming pregnant again is if God decides to give us a baby although we're using preventatives. Again, I'm fertile myrtle and Joseph has bionic swimmers... it could happen. But for now, and hopefully a long time; no bun(s) in the oven for us. And to be honest, I don't think God would give us another baby until we were ready anyways.

Adoption or faster parenting is looking more and more appealing to me. I want more children in our family. I just don't want the uncertainty of another pregnancy looming in my future. I'm seriously considering using one of these methods to add to our family. There's something poetic about giving a child a chance at life who would never have had a chance to start with, when Wyatt barely had a chance to live when we had a life full of hopes and dreams for him.

So, now that I have you completely confused, my job here is done. Until next time...



Trisha Larson said...

I love that you are being honest with yourself and us. It's so important to accept where you are. are just where you need to be. Time does change things so you never know.

By the way, I am currently trying for number 6!!!! So crazy when I think about it!!! I wanted 3 and somehow now I want 6...or 8...or 10. I don't care as long as I don't have to bury anymore.


nae~nae said...

Just hang in there. You have to remember your chances of having a healthy baby. I think it's still too soon to add a child to your family. It's healthy to want that something that is missing, but I don't think adopting a child would give the complete satisfaction. And you're not being confusing about your period being late and then being dissapointed. I think we've all had a moment like that. Oh crap, what will i do...and then after coming up with a plan, thinking well it would have been better than the cramping....:)

Holly said...

I understand that fear. I know I sure don't want to have to go through it again, but I also know that I do want to carry another child. Like you said, it will happen if it's supposed to.

And $80 a month is just crazy for BC. CRAZY.

Franchesca Cox said...

Oh, Danielle, this is so heartbreaking. Our innocence is gone. All these fears never crossed my mind when we tried for Jenna and it happened all wrong. All wrong... You are so right, I know God would only give you another baby on full assurance that you and your hubby were ready. It is so hard. The idea of adoption has slowly grown on us even though we'd really like our own. God has a plan, that's for sure.


Mary said...

Danielle, I know the fear. I desperately want to hold a baby but I am so afraid. May you find a way to have your big family with the help of the Lord.

Valerie said...

Thank you for sharing. I am over 40 and Madison Marie was my first, though, we lost her at 6 months along in the pregnancy.