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Thursday, October 29, 2009

Wishing for the Impossible

Joseph and I went shopping yesterday for Eli's 2nd Birthday coming up on Halloween (That's right, he's our little Boo Baby), as well as Christmas for the both of the children. We figured we would just get it all out of the way and be done with it. It was really depressing not being able to pick out toys FOR Wyatt too. It really hit home that we should have a 6 1/2 month old chewing on wrapping paper and being more interested in the boxes the toys came in than the actual toys.

Instead we'll be picking out age appropriate gifts that we would have bought for Wyatt and give them to another baby boy in memory of him. I like the idea of another baby boy benefiting from the love we have for Wyatt... but... I would much rather buy Wyatt gifts and actually be able to see his face light up as he rips into the wrapping paper.

I vividly remember last Christmas sitting on the couch while I watched the children open their gifts with Joseph (I was video taping and taking pictures). I sat there holding my belly filled with joy as I said to Joseph, "Just think, this time next year we'll be watching three little Finchums tear into their gifts... " Oh how I wish I could just go back in time and live in that moment forever...

The moment before I knew my sweet baby boy wouldn't actually be here physically this Christmas.

The moment before my joy was ripped out of me through the huge hole in my heart that I live with daily.

I'll admit, I'm not doing so great lately. I feel like I'm doing worse NOW, than I was a couple of months ago. I just miss Wyatt so much. I can barely say his name anymore without tearing up. As a matter of fact, I'm tearing up right now just typing about him. I'm guessing it's the time of year? Or maybe because I know this time last year Wyatt was already conceived and we'd be finding out on the 5th that I was indeed pregnant with him?

I guess I'm just sitting here wishing I could have figured out a way to make time stand still... I don't wish for the impossible, do I?!



Franchesca Cox said...

Oh, Danielle, I am so sorry. You are right, it definitely gets harder, which makes no sense in and of itself but you are not alone. I feel like that too, just missing her and tearing up just talking about her or thinking about her. It's so hard. I know that the holidays are going to be so tough on all of us. I wish your Wyatt could have joined you this year for Christmas. I wish so much that it wasn't impossible to ask for. Sending BIG *hugs* to you!!!


Trisha Larson said...

I went through that too. In fact, I was a complete mess last year during the holidays. They are so hard. People don't understand. I like your idea of giving gifts in memory of Wyatt. I couldn't even look at anything baby. I still avoid it for fear that i will loose it.

Know that I have been through it. I am stronger now. I have the strength to help you through it. That's why God is giving us eachother. That's why I am a year ahead of you on this journey.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry Danielle. Wishing I could do more than be sorry. Hugs xxxx

Anonymous said...

I'm sending hugs your way, Danielle. I know you miss little Wyatt and thinking of Christmas just makes it more bittersweet (at least it does for me). that is a wonderful thing you are doing, to make a child happy in Wyatt's memory. Praying that you will start to feel better and remember, your little man is in Jesus' kingdom sending love to all of you.
Blessings, Sarita

Jennifer, Sunshine, Angel, Miss Thang, My Birdy (formerly Baby) said...

I can't even begin to imagine how your heart aches for Wyatt. I don't even know you and it saddens me so.

I pray that peace is brought to you.

I do believe it only can come once you realize by wanting Wyatt back you are wishing him out of Heaven and I know that is not what you wish. It is often difficult for our minds to understand what His plan is but we have to believe and remind ourselves that He loves our children more than we do. Hey, maybe He couldn't stand one more day without Wyatt with Him! Surely you can understand that!

You ask what would I do if God took My Birdy tomorrow...I would crash and burn and hope that every day someone came to me in love and reminded me that my life is still full of blessings and that we will never understand God's plan but it is surely not to hurt us.

I think it's a nice thought to believe that He takes these babies to be with Him so early to keep them safe from something they might otherwise have had to experience. If I were given the choice of my baby being sad or hurt or in some sort of pain versus me having a broken heart for the rest of my life, obviously I and most all moms choose the broken heart.

I am sorry for being kinda chatty...

We will be praying for you and your family.

Holly said...

We'll be doing out Christmas shopping done soon too. I've already got one thing for Kyndra and my niece Audrey.

Christmas is prolly the roughest holiday. I'm not sure what it's going to be like but I do know I'll miss Carleigh a lot. I think it's great to get gifts and give them to someone else. A wonderful way to honor Wyatt's life! Although I totally understand not wanting it to be that way!

Things may be harder and that's totally normal. I know that I was doing pretty good until about 6 months out of the blue things just really got me down. I'm doing better now and I hope that you can too. It's not easy though!!

Nati @ I will praise Him said...

What a wonderful idea to bless another little boy with Wyatt's gifs. I can't imagine how hard this is on you but I admire you for doing it.

I'm praying for you!

Kristy said...

Holidays are SO hard after such a loss. Last Christmas I didn't put out any Christmas decorations, lights or anything. I didn't even display the Christmas cards we got like I always do. We didn't put the tree up until 2 days before Christmas. I just couldn't do it, didn't have any desire to do it. This year, its even more painful...because I had so much hope at the beginning of the year when in January I got my BFP. Yet, here I am in the same position, only this time mourning two losses. Two baby boys who I can't buy presents for. You aren't alone.

Lots of *hugs*

Just Breathe said...

Wishing I could give you your wish.
Praying for God to give me direction and wisdom to help all of you in pain. My heart is always heavy with the pain of your loss and all the baby lost mothers in our world. Praying for your comfort. ((HUGS))

Mary said...

Oh I wish for the impossible too .. I wish I could have made time stand still. I am tearing up reading your post. I know what you mean though, it seems to be getting harder for me too ... I can only imagine Christmas will be the hardest. Oh how I wish I could give you a big hug and sit and cry with you for a while. I love how you are buying gifts for another little boy this year. Wyatt will be happy you did.

croleyc69 said...

I'm sorry your not doing so good. I'm praying for you and hoping it gets better for you. I know that grief is hard and I have days I wonder what things would be like if I had all my children.
I also think this is a bad time of year to. I have been having some difficult days to thinking about my Dad that has passed away and such. I'm praying for you !!

Traci Michele said...

The Holiday season is bitter - sweet.

Your happiness is increased, because you are close to those you love, who are around you.

Your sadness is, amplified, just as much... missing those who you, so desperately wish could be with you during these special times.

It's just that... and you are normal to feel that way.

I'm sorry for your loss! I just can't imagine!

Love you girl!

Missing Kasey said...

((hugs)) I'm sorry! This is a rough time of year Kasey was supposed to be born Dec 20, instead he was born Nov 16 and grew his wings on Dec 19. Thinking of you during this time if year.

nae nae said...

I'm sorry that you are falling apart agian... I'm sure that after these "first" holidays, that it will be a little easier for you. Only b/c it won't be the first holiday that you had to spend without him. Hang in there, and your clay projects are beautiful, you're so good at so many things...