Thursday, October 29, 2009
Joseph and I went shopping yesterday for Eli's 2nd Birthday coming up on Halloween (That's right, he's our little Boo Baby), as well as Christmas for the both of the children. We figured we would just get it all out of the way and be done with it. It was really depressing not being able to pick out toys FOR Wyatt too. It really hit home that we should have a 6 1/2 month old chewing on wrapping paper and being more interested in the boxes the toys came in than the actual toys.
Instead we'll be picking out age appropriate gifts that we would have bought for Wyatt and give them to another baby boy in memory of him. I like the idea of another baby boy benefiting from the love we have for Wyatt... but... I would much rather buy Wyatt gifts and actually be able to see his face light up as he rips into the wrapping paper.
I vividly remember last Christmas sitting on the couch while I watched the children open their gifts with Joseph (I was video taping and taking pictures). I sat there holding my belly filled with joy as I said to Joseph, "Just think, this time next year we'll be watching three little Finchums tear into their gifts... " Oh how I wish I could just go back in time and live in that moment forever...
The moment before I knew my sweet baby boy wouldn't actually be here physically this Christmas.
The moment before my joy was ripped out of me through the huge hole in my heart that I live with daily.
I'll admit, I'm not doing so great lately. I feel like I'm doing worse NOW, than I was a couple of months ago. I just miss Wyatt so much. I can barely say his name anymore without tearing up. As a matter of fact, I'm tearing up right now just typing about him. I'm guessing it's the time of year? Or maybe because I know this time last year Wyatt was already conceived and we'd be finding out on the 5th that I was indeed pregnant with him?
I guess I'm just sitting here wishing I could have figured out a way to make time stand still... I don't wish for the impossible, do I?!