Sunday, October 18, 2009
I had months to prepare myself for Wyatt's passing. I'm a planner, so I had every little detail planned out. I had a plan A, Plan B, Plan C... In had so many plans I don't believe we have enough letters in our alphabet. I tried to think of any and every possible scenario I could.
Most of my planning went into making memories with Wyatt. I wanted to create as many tangible memories of my son as I could while he was here, because I knew they would be the only one's I'd ever get with him.
I poured through website after website, day after day, making sure I had all the things I would need to create another memory of him.
I got tons of pictures.
I took home the blanket I'd made for him.
I got clippings of his hair.
I had two identical outfits for him. One he wore the whole time he was with us, the other he was changed into before he was cremated.
I held him closely, and tried to imprint his face so deeply into my mind I would never be able to forget his sweet little face.
I got his hand and foot prints.
We sang to Wyatt.
Took him on a family vacation to Sea World.
Took him up in a helicopter so Joseph can say one day that he's taken all his children for their first helicopter ride.
...And there's so much more.
But I feel so ungrateful for that. Don't get me wrong. It means the world to me I was able to do all that with my son. I just can't stop thinking about all the things I wish I had thought of before it was too late.
For example, I'm a huge Christmas fan. It is my favorite time of the year. All the lights, friendly faces, hot cocoa... they make Christmas time almost seem magical. So when I came across the idea to buy plain christmas ornaments and have your baby's footprints stamped on them as a memento, I wanted to scream! Why didn't I think about that? I would have bought boxes and boxes of ornaments to do that. Maybe it would have made Christmas easier to handle this year. Maybe if I had those, I would want to pt up a tree. I guess we'll never know because it's simply too late.
Or what about the idea I stumbled upon recently, where a woman can donate her wedding dress to have burial gowns made for babies. I can still do that for other babies, but it's too late to have Wyatt's made out of my dress. I loved the gowns he wore, but if I had a choice then, I would have most certainly gone with a gown made from my wedding dress. But again, it's too late.
I promise I'm not here to throw a pity party for myself. I'm just having a hard time accepting things and I feel like I'm clinging onto the things I didn't get to do instead of the things I did. I'm sharing this with you, because I feel like it's what I need to do in order to move on. I'm hoping if it's not too late for you, that you get some ideas of things you'd like to do for your sweet child before they go on to their eternal home. I don't want things left undone to haunt another mother like it has done to me.
I admit I'm having a problem here, and I don't know if these are the right steps, but I'm going to do something in hopes it will help me move on.
First, I'm going to get a stamp made to the actual size of Wyatt's foot and make my own ornaments. His foot might not of touched the ornament, but it's still his footprint. I'm just going to have to be okay with that.
And finally, I'd like to donate my wedding dress for someone to make gowns for other babies (and their families). This is hard for me because I love my wedding dress. But I love my son more. And the families that receive a gown made from my dress will be benefiting from the love I have for my son.
Before I send my dress off however, I want to ask if any of you do this type of thing, or if you know anyone that could use my dress for this purpose? I would feel better giving it up to someone that knows my families story and the love I have for Wyatt (and it would be so great to get a picture of the little gowns my dress was able to make). I'd feel better if the person knew this dress was worn in love and is not being given up because of a divorce and bitter resentment...
I hope by taking these steps, I can get the "too late" ghost to leave me alone. I know I'm incredibly blessed for all the things I did get to do. I know there are mothers out there that didn't even get to hold their child... I feel so ungrateful for feeling this way. I guess I just thought I wouldn't have any "I wish I had's" or "It's too late's" with all the months I spent planning how I'd say goodbye to my son.