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Sunday, October 18, 2009

Too Late

I had months to prepare myself for Wyatt's passing. I'm a planner, so I had every little detail planned out. I had a plan A, Plan B, Plan C... In had so many plans I don't believe we have enough letters in our alphabet. I tried to think of any and every possible scenario I could.

Most of my planning went into making memories with Wyatt. I wanted to create as many tangible memories of my son as I could while he was here, because I knew they would be the only one's I'd ever get with him.

I poured through website after website, day after day, making sure I had all the things I would need to create another memory of him.

I got tons of pictures.

I took home the blanket I'd made for him.

I got clippings of his hair.

I had two identical outfits for him. One he wore the whole time he was with us, the other he was changed into before he was cremated.

I held him closely, and tried to imprint his face so deeply into my mind I would never be able to forget his sweet little face.

I got his hand and foot prints.

We sang to Wyatt.

Took him on a family vacation to Sea World.

Took him up in a helicopter so Joseph can say one day that he's taken all his children for their first helicopter ride.

...And there's so much more.

But I feel so ungrateful for that. Don't get me wrong. It means the world to me I was able to do all that with my son. I just can't stop thinking about all the things I wish I had thought of before it was too late.

For example, I'm a huge Christmas fan. It is my favorite time of the year. All the lights, friendly faces, hot cocoa... they make Christmas time almost seem magical. So when I came across the idea to buy plain christmas ornaments and have your baby's footprints stamped on them as a memento, I wanted to scream! Why didn't I think about that? I would have bought boxes and boxes of ornaments to do that. Maybe it would have made Christmas easier to handle this year. Maybe if I had those, I would want to pt up a tree. I guess we'll never know because it's simply too late.

Or what about the idea I stumbled upon recently, where a woman can donate her wedding dress to have burial gowns made for babies. I can still do that for other babies, but it's too late to have Wyatt's made out of my dress. I loved the gowns he wore, but if I had a choice then, I would have most certainly gone with a gown made from my wedding dress. But again, it's too late.

I promise I'm not here to throw a pity party for myself. I'm just having a hard time accepting things and I feel like I'm clinging onto the things I didn't get to do instead of the things I did. I'm sharing this with you, because I feel like it's what I need to do in order to move on. I'm hoping if it's not too late for you, that you get some ideas of things you'd like to do for your sweet child before they go on to their eternal home. I don't want things left undone to haunt another mother like it has done to me.

I admit I'm having a problem here, and I don't know if these are the right steps, but I'm going to do something in hopes it will help me move on.

First, I'm going to get a stamp made to the actual size of Wyatt's foot and make my own ornaments. His foot might not of touched the ornament, but it's still his footprint. I'm just going to have to be okay with that.

And finally, I'd like to donate my wedding dress for someone to make gowns for other babies (and their families). This is hard for me because I love my wedding dress. But I love my son more. And the families that receive a gown made from my dress will be benefiting from the love I have for my son. Italic

Before I send my dress off however, I want to ask if any of you do this type of thing, or if you know anyone that could use my dress for this purpose? I would feel better giving it up to someone that knows my families story and the love I have for Wyatt (and it would be so great to get a picture of the little gowns my dress was able to make). I'd feel better if the person knew this dress was worn in love and is not being given up because of a divorce and bitter resentment...

I hope by taking these steps, I can get the "too late" ghost to leave me alone. I know I'm incredibly blessed for all the things I did get to do. I know there are mothers out there that didn't even get to hold their child... I feel so ungrateful for feeling this way. I guess I just thought I wouldn't have any "I wish I had's" or "It's too late's" with all the months I spent planning how I'd say goodbye to my son.


Henninger Family said...

I know how you feel...there are so many things I wish I had done and made in the short time I had with Hudson. With us we only had 24 hours to even think of anything to do to make our memories.

I think the wedding dress idea sounds incredible...

Traci Michele said...

Oh, how my heart breaks... I often wonder, what I would do if I had been in your shoes, with Carson.

I think I would be just like you! We sound so much alike. I am such a planner... a little OCD most of the time. I'm a "memory-maker"... and sometimes drive my husband nutso with all the "sentimental" stuff I long to do.

Love you girl!


Kristy said...

I think most of us who have lost our baby/babies wish they had done different things in the final moments we had with them. I know I do, but with my situation happening suddenly, both times we didn't really have time to prepare anything. Things that were done were done by the hospital. We didn't know any better, so we didn't ask for different things to be done. My baby boys never wore their own clothes, E never got to have pictures taken with his giraffe stuffie (though L did with his frog stuffie). More things were done for L then with E, but I think its because the hospital I delivered L and he was in delt with this a lot more. They had a lever 3 NICU, so sadly loosing babies wasn't new to them. :( The one thing we did do was bury them each with their stuffies and a special bracelet. At home, we have their same stuffie and the same bracelets. So when I look at them, I feel like I am with them.

I know its hard to wish you could turn back time and do things differently. I do it every day. But I do know that what I did do with them was all I could do in the moment. Its all I could do for them, and I don't regret any of it.

I hope you can find peace. Lots of *hugs*

Holly said...

I'm a planner too and I had many, many things planned to the tiniest detail for Carleigh and there are still things I wish I would've done. I don't think you can escape it. Definitely do the stamps!! My aunt got Carleigh's footprint made for a family project, but it's a little bit bigger than her actual print. I want to get all her prints done actual size. It's on my 'to do' list.

I don't know of anyone who can make the gowns. I hope you can find someone!!

Franchesca Cox said...

Wow, Danielle, it is so crazy that you write about this because I have been having similar thoughts, like why didn't I take pictures like this or like that... so many things I would have liked to have done differently and created more memories. I think its completely normal what you are feeling, but it is still so hard. I hope this "too late" ghost can leave you alone. I love how you are embracing the situation to help someone else with the wedding gown idea. That is so awesome.


KK said...

Be sure to tell us if you find an organization like that. I'd send them mine. I am divorced, but loved my dress and my wedding, so I don't want to throw it away and haven't been able to sell it. (ebay and I don't get along)

Karen said...

(((Hugs))) I'm so sorry and I understand your feelings. We didn't expect our George to die, so when his heart stopped beating during my labour and he was stillborn we were in shock. I wasn't thinking. The nurses and my husband took photos, but no one suggested the charity photographers who take professional photographs. What I wouldn't give for better photos than what we have - and photos of every detail of his perfect little self. I wish I'd bathed him, not the nurse. Oh, my. But I have what we have and I have my memories I guess. And hope and faith I'll see my babe again some day.

Anonymous said...

Danielle, you did so many wonderful things for Wyatt and I am happy that you have all those sweet memories. I know of an org. that can use wedding gowns. It is the Emmazing Grace Foundation in Cummings, Georgia. Candy Stacks is the founder and she started her foundation after her daughter Emma Grace died. if you are interested, please email me and I will send more info. I think it is incredibly thoughtful of you to want to donate your dress.
Blessings - Sarita boyette

The Blue Sparrow said...

Oh I wish I saw this sooner! I donated my dress and my spare room currently has 10 gowns in it waiting to be donated. It filled me with so much joy giving mine and soon the others. Just knowing that someone elses precious angel would be wrapped in my love sold me on the idea. Im ashamed to say that had we not have lost Bryston it would probably still be in my closet. I donated to the mary madeline project.