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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Is it Well?

Less than four months ago I could hear it.

I could make it through the first couple of notes without tearing up.

I could make it through the first verse without curling up into a ball and wanting to die.

Actually, four months ago, I could cut up and sing this song in funny voices along with my husband and children. It was natural for us. We're always goofing around together in our home and singing hymns in weird voices as we play air guitar. It's our "normal". However, there are two hymns we don't sing in our house anymore. It's a shame, because we chose these songs to sing at Wyatt's funeral due to the fact we sang them so often while I was still pregnant with him. I hope we can sing these again someday, but right now, they take me back to "that place".

As I was driving home from the store last night, the radio station I keep my dial turned to, was playing some good ol' hymns. I LOVE hymns, so I was driving down the road singing my heart out. It was so nice, because I really don't sing very much anymore. I've sang my entire life so it was wonderful to feel somewhat like the old me for a change.

My joy was to be short lived...

The next song started to play, and I could feel my throat tightening with each familiar note sounding through my speakers. In an instant, it was taking me back to the place I try not to let myself go. As the notes played on, I was sitting in the front of the church looking at my sons casket. I was hanging onto Joseph for dear life, because all I wanted to do as everyone was singing "It is Well with my Soul", was scoop Wyatt up out of his casket and run away with him. FOREVER. I wanted to hide away from the world and just hold my son close until the end of time. I wanted to close my eyes and make the image of him in his little casket go away... I wanted to replace it with one of him sleeping in his crib where he belonged!

On that day, it was not well with my soul.

On that day, I felt so empty... I didn't even feel like I had a soul.

I still have days (Most of them) where for a majority of the day, my soul doesn't sit well with God's plan for Wyatt. It's a constant battle for me. It seems like the further I get away from Wyatt's birth day, the harder it's getting for me to be okay with my son being gone. I'm becoming this (very annoying) teary eyed woman who is set off by everything!


I've been diving into my bible more.

I've been baking more.

I've been praying more.

I've been trying to keep myself busy with housework and children.

...And I just CAN'T seem to get over how much I miss him.

But do you know what is well with my soul?

Do you know what brings me back to my good place?

I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, this life will be a wrinkle in time compared to the eternity I am going to get with my son. I might not have gotten to know him here, but I will have eternity to memorize his face and to imprint his laugh onto the very fibers of my soul. I'll finally get to see what color his eyes are, and I'll get to hear what his voice sounds like when I'm greeted by him. If Wyatt takes after his daddy, I'll probably get a greeting along the lines of "Mommy! I've been waiting so long to meet you!"

... And if he takes after me, it will be more like "What took you so long?"!

If all I had with Wyatt were two minutes, and I knew that was all I would ever get... His death would never sit well with my soul. Luckily, I know I will spend eternity with him. So here, living my life without him, there may be many, many days that God's plan doesn't sit well with me... but my soul accepts God's greater purpose for calling Wyatt home so soon, even though I don't understand his reasoning. And you know what? I can honestly sit here and type, even with my heart as broken as it is, that it really is well with my soul.

Although the above statement may be true, I still think I'll steer clear of my hymns for a while...

Do any of you have something that sets you off like this? Something that pulls you begrudgingly back to your place? Or am I just insane?



Holly said...

It doesn't sit well that I had to say live this life without her. But I have the hope of seeing her again and then never being separated again. I have days where I accept God's plan and days when I say "It isn't fair!"

I don't know if I ever really had "a place" to begin with. If I did, I have no clue what it is. I have things that can choke me up and make me miss her so much more than I do already. Carleigh's song always does this for me.

Mary Ellen said...

You are not insane at all. Music in general seems to touch me more than most anything else. I have always sung hymns vs nursery songs because they are what I grew up with. I have a version of This Little Light of mine that brings me back to my dark place and yet it also is a comfort to me. I always feel so strange telling people that because something that can make me so sad is also soemthing that makes me feel close to my children. It took me a long time before I could actually sing it out loud but most days I can now.
I will pray that your heart will one day feel comforted by your special hymns as well.

Anonymous said...

I have never read a more heart touching story and I thought my own was the most powerful. Not that my families story is not but I guess I have been too focused on my own.
I wrote a book about ours and I travel and speak. I have to encourage you to take all your writings and write a book. You have a story that must be shared forever! Your story will change lives!
My husband is a Sevierville police as well. His name is John West. Be sure and knowthat your family is in our prayers and we will pray that your petition will be passed and that God will send you out to minister to thousands!

God Bless,
Laura West

Mommy said...

It's so hard to trust in God sometimes for me, since Morgan died. Reading your blog gives me strength. Thank you.

jes said...

Although my place is incomparable to yours, I do have things that send me back to my version of 'that place.' You and your family are in my prayers!

Just Breathe said...

I have a few but they are not anything compared to yours. To me they may be bad but a grain of sand compared to yours. You are living everyone's greatest fear.
I care about you and your sorrow.

Franchesca Cox said...

I know what you mean by it not sitting well most days. I totally get it. But that blessed hope keeps me going and I am eternally grateful for that hope. I cannot imagine losing a baby without this hope - life would be meaningless. You are NOT insane! Wyatt is engraved in your every thought daily, I think it's completely normal to have things take you back. For me, it's the little things that set me off, like certain smells, being at church, Bible verses, songs, the color lavender and so much more. Weird, small minor details in life are now sometimes are often more than I can handle. Love and prayers