Friday, July 17, 2009
I have been dreading tomorrow since the day we learned of Wyatt's diagnosis. Most woman can't wait for their due dates to arrive, but I knew my due date would most likely be the day I would have to give Wyatt back to God. I just wanted to keep Wyatt safe, and if that meant staying pregnant forever, well, I would surely try!
God apparently had other plans for me than being the first mother ever to stay pregnant her entire life, and took Wyatt to his eternal home 47 days ago. So now, there is a completely new sadness surrounding Wyatt's due date. What if I made it to this day? That would have been 47 more days I could have gotten to spend with my son. Would he of lived longer if he were able to develop more? I already know my answers to these questions... Wyatt lived every second here on this earth that God meant for him to live. But that still doesn't lessen the sting of what tomorrow represents. I have seriously contemplated sleeping the entire day away just so I wouldn't have to face it. That's healthy, right?!
Actually, I was hoping Joseph would be able to take tomorrow off of work so we could do something special as a family, but he wasn't able to. So, we sent our love to heaven for Wyatt today... Let me explain.
Ansley has been coloring pictures for Wyatt lately. When she finishes a new picture for her baby brother, she says, "Mommy, I colored a picture for Wyatt! I want to give it to him. Please mommy, I want to give it to Wyatt."
So I tell her to hold it over her head really high towards the sky so Wyatt can see it from heaven. This worked for a while (she would even stand on her tip toes to give Wyatt a better view), but she has become very adamant about wanting to GIVE the picture she colored to Wyatt. So I decided I would let her do just that!
Ansley colored a very special turtle picture to send Wyatt... Joseph and I wrote him a letter... and we attached them all to three big helium balloons. We made our way up to the top of a pretty hill near our house... hugged and kissed the balloons... and let them fly away to heaven carrying all of our love with them.
The weather was beautiful, and I can't imagine a more perfect way of celebrating the day we were supposed to meet our son. I walked away from that hill with a peace that completely encompassed me. I know the balloons probably just made it over the tree line, but Ansley really believes her baby brother got his turtle picture and all of the hugs and kisses we sent him. I truly believe today was a day of healing for every member of our family, and I know tomorrow will be a little easier to face. Who knows, I might actually attempt getting out of bed!