Today after I dropped Ansley off at school, Eli and I went on a scavenger hunt to find all the supplies I needed to make a cake for a dear friend on Friday. After an entire morning and afternoon of plundering through all the baking stores in our local area, I still haven't found half of the items on my list... but that's a different story altogether.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Before I say anymore, I must warn you that by the end of this post, you will be utterly convinced that I am a certified crazy person. I'm actually
throughly a little embarrassed to even write this post. But, this blog is about my journey with Wyatt, as well as how I'm finding my feet since he passed away. So,... In the spirit of hoping to help someone else who may be going through this as well... here it goes. gulp.
I caught myself stalking babies today... Seriously!
I didn't even realize it until I was walking away from talking with a mom who had a baby girl that was eight days younger than Wyatt... this might not seem so bad, except this was the third mother I stopped to find out how old her child was, in a little over an hour.
Every time I see a baby, boy or girl, that even looks like they are close to the age Wyatt would be today, I HAVE to get close to that baby. I want to see what milestones the baby has reached and I try to picture the baby with Wyatt's face. I obsess over what Wyatt would be doing. I wonder what his little face would look like now, or what his voice would sound like. I want to go over and scoop the baby up and hold them close to my heart... I know it wouldn't help... I don't really want that baby. I want my baby. I want Wyatt.
But still, I have no baby to hold. I want my arms to stop aching from the emptiness. I want my ears to stop ringing from the silence...
Seriously though... stalking babies! Shame on me. I don't like this crazy woman I've become. I mean, what do I think will happen if I stick around a certain baby long enough? Do I just think the mother will say, "Here, take my baby."? No. More like my husband will be serving me with a restraining order against all the babies in the world!
I want out of this nightmare. I want this nagging pain in my heart to stop. I don't want to have to be strong anymore. And I most certaintly don't want to be the crazy lady that lingers around other women's babies... I just want to be ME again. The ME I was before I could only hold Wyatt in my heart...