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Saturday, July 25, 2009

Return to Sender

I just got back from the emergency room with the kids. I took Eli in because I thought he "might" have swallowed a pill. Turns out he didn't. Lord knows what he swallowed, but it wasn't a pill...


Yesterday, I decided to flush the rest of my Oxycodone (from the C-section) down the toilet because I wasn't going to use anymore, and I didn't want them just sitting in our house. I am not a big fan of taking medications, so after I had Wyatt, I used just enough to get me through his viewing and funeral and stopped taking it. It has just been sitting in our cabinet, and I told Joseph I was going to go ahead and just get rid of it so there wasn't any chance of the kids getting ahold of it. (Ansley and Eli are climbers and nothing in our house is safely out of reach.)

Today was my first day of being completely alone with the kids. Joseph won't be home very much over the next month, as he is going to be playing G.I. Joe with the Marine Corps. I thought I would be okay, but the truth is, I'm freaking out with him being gone. The house has already seemed so quiet without Wyatt being here, but with Joseph being away too, it's eery.

I know, I'm chasing a rabbit. Back to our ER trip...

After the kids finished their dinner, I got them both out of their seats and took them into my bathroom to clean them up. I swear they were wearing more of the macarooni and cheese than they actually ate. I started to clean Eli first, but Ansley decided to get into my make-up. I rushed over to get her cheesy fingers away from my favorite lip gloss, and as I glanced back over towards Eli, I saw him put something white in his mouth. My heart stopped. I immediately remembered flushing those pills down the toilet yesterday. I raced back over to him and tried to hook whatever he put in his mouth with my finger, but I was too late. I even tried to gag the poor boy to get him to throw up whatever it was that he swallowed, but all I managed to do was make him mad!

My mind was racing... I was 99.9999% sure all the pills made it down the toilet, but what if...

I have been so scatter-brained since losing Wyatt. I've gotten out of the shower and realized I forgot to shave my other leg, or better yet, I've started to blow dry my hair and realized I left my conditioner in...

I've come out of the grocery store, and realized I had no idea where in the world I parked my car. I then proceeded to walk back and forth across the parking lot with a cart full of groceries at least 3 times before finding my car... and I still couldn't remember parking there after I found it!

I've taken the gallon of milk out of the refrigerator to get the kids drinks, and tried putting it back in our cabinet that holds glasses. I sat there fighting with the stupid jug trying my best to "put it back" in the cabinet, all the while wondering why it wouldn't go in... If it would have fit, I would have never even realized what I was doing.

I've made it to the grocery store, only to realize I forgot to put a bra on... Oh, and did I mention I forgot to put shoes on as well (needless to say, I didn't go grocery shopping that day).

I've even gotten in my vehicle to drive somewhere, and forgotten where I was going, or how I made it from point A to point B!

There have been countless other *little* things, but you get the point... I've been living on some sort of auto-pilot.

So can you imagine, after catching myself do all those other silly things, what I was thinking when I saw Eli put something white in his mouth, while being next to the same toilet I flushed the pills down not even 24 hours prior... I panicked! What if I was on auto-pilot when I flushed the pills and I accidently dropped one?

Off to the emergency room we went. I swear the nurses and doctors thought I was a blabbering idiot! I know I wasn't making any sense, and I was shaking too bad to fill out the paperwork. They asked what kind of pill he swallowed and they looked at me like I was insane when I told them I wasn't sure if he had actually swallowed one, but that he could possibly have swallowed an Oxycodone...

After four hours of observation... A negative drug test, a ton of weird looks from nurses, and making the kids scream bloody murder an innumerable amount of times... we were finally discharged. I felt so stupid for freaking out, but I really didn't know what else to do. Joseph is normally my voice of reason, and I felt so lost without him being here today. All I could think was,"God, NO. Please don't let anything happen to another one of my children. NO! Don't do this to me Lord!"

Do you know what the sad part of all this is? If I could figure out how to stop flipping into auto-pilot, events like this wouldn't happen. I feel like I have lost my mind, and every time I start to look for it, I forget what I was doing! So, if you happen to find my mind before I do, please do us all a favor and return to sender! The world would be a much safer place...

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10 comments:

Ann said...

Bless your heart. My heart just aches for you. I cannot imagine what you are going through....have you thought of grief counciling (hope I'm not stepping on toes here), I was thinking maybe that would help with the autopilot....and as you have had to stay strong for your other babies, maybe you really haven't had a chance to fully grieve? I truely do admire you and your courage. I will keep you in my prayers.

Holly said...

I think we all have these moments but they seem to occur with more frequency in times like this. Lord knows I've tried sticking things in the cupboard that should go in the fridge. Luckily I've caught myself each time. I'm glad to her that he did not swallow one of the pills. I think it's good you took him in. Better to play it safe IMO!

3 Blessings said...

Bless your heart...
I am so glad that it was not a pill that he swallowed. Thanks be to God. I will also keep you in my prayers while your husband is away.
Blessings dear friend,
Amy

Lisa (Jasper's Mommy) said...

I would have taken my kid to the ER as well and I completly understand the whole being on Auto-pilot thing I've been that was since my Jasper passed. Sending you some huge cyper hugs.

Lynnette Kraft said...

Hi Danielle. I had a blogging friend tell me about your baby and your blog. I'm so glad I came to visit. I'm so sorry that your precious son isn't in your arms.

You are in a difficult stage of grief. You're just supposed to move on, and the daily routine is really too much isn't it? How do you just go on? I found the just taking one day at a time was the most important thing. I needed to seek God each day and ask for his comfort and guidance for that day. He is faithful and makes life worth living on days when you wish you could just take your leave.

I have a book, a website and a blog. Perhaps one or all of them would be of some comfort to you. Here are the links:
Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground
Growing Through Affliction

Henninger Family said...

Glad to know it's not just me =) I poured sweet tea in my cereal the other day...

COUNTRY MOM said...

I am sorry for all you have gone through, and the loss of your beautiful baby boy. You have a beautiful family. I am glad he did not swallow a pill. Many Blessings,

Traci~ Ordinary Inspirations for the everyday wife, mommy, and homemaker said...

Oh I'm so glad that he didn't swallow it.... I would have gone to the ER too. Then you would be wondering "what if"?

I know, my husband is my voice of reason many times. I pray he returns to you soon. I get so sad when my husband is away.

Lots of love and prayers your way!

Traci

Renee said...

Girl, you're not losing your mind. Do you honestly want to know how many times I have tried to make milk fit into a cabinet? Or forgot where I was going, or even forgot some important item to my dress code and before I knew I was too far from home to turn around? I say you have been on auto-pilot, and it's probably for the best. I know you need your kids around, but maybe you need time on your own to grieve like the other girl said. I could babysit or something sometime for you. Well, if I find your wondering mind, I'll be sure to drop it off.

Sharlyn said...

Danielle, Remember we all have these moments but God would not give us more than we can handle. That just shows how strong you are. You always have been and you will continute to be for your children. Hang in there your almost over the hump.