Wednesday, July 15, 2009
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I have this question that has been consuming my thoughts. Over and over again I feel like Satan has been whispering to me, "You are so weak... Why would God ever want to use a broken mother and her broken baby to bring him glory? You are so weak...".
When thoughts like that creep into your mind, you start to believe that voice of doubt. These last couple of weeks, I've felt like I am drowning. I wonder how I will ever make it through this season of my life. Seasons are supposed to end... not continue to linger for what feels like an eternity. Not only did we lose Wyatt six weeks ago, but we took our oldest son to the emergency room two Sunday's ago because he couldn't breathe (He's fine now thank God).
To top it all off, someone hit our dog Colonel and left him there to die... Colonel has been a member of our family for the last three years. Our children have grown up with him.
Colonel somehow managed to make his way from the road to our front steps with a severely crushed back leg, where I came out of the house and found him bleeding to death. Of course this was on a Sunday when the only place open was an emergency clinic, where we shelled out $900 and all they did was "clean his leg"! The next morning we took him to another vet that informed us his leg needed to be amputated... which was another $1,100, but that they did not offer any type of payment plan. So, after many phone calls, I finally found a vet that would let us make payments. But of course we owed the first vets office $200 for having him look at Colonel's leg and wrapping it up. So, almost $2,500 later (That we really did not have), we have a very sore dog with only three legs... We're thankful that Colonel is going to be fine after he learns to walk without his back leg, but we really don't know where the money to "live off of" is going to come from. We spent all of our savings to pay for Wyatt's funeral... the money we spent to save Colonel came from money that was already budgeted elsewhere. Please keep us in prayer! I know God will help us make it somehow. He always does.
But that still didn't leave me from feeling so small. My faith was wavering. I wished God would stop showing me that I can handle more... I didn't feel like I could. I needed God to speak to me, and just like all the other times before, he didn't forsake me when I was too weak to carry on.
A sweet woman at the gym yesterday stopped me as I was walking in to start my
torture routine workout routine. I really wasn't in the mood to talk. I just wanted to get my workout done so I could get out of there. But I politely stayed while she helped another gym member with a question while I wondered what in the world this lady wanted from me!
D informed me that God laid it on her heart to pray for me last night and for her to tell me a story from the book of Job. She told me that Satan was the source of all Job's sufferings... Not God. God allowed Satan to test Job because God knew Job could handle it, and in the long run, it would bring glory to God.
Whew! My mouth about hit the ground! Was God really telling me that he trusted me enough to let Satan try to break me? That God had faith in me?
Now, I've read this story many times... It is actually one of my favorite books in the bible next to Ester. But to hear it from this sweet lady who was obeying what God asked her to do, well, that was really amazing! And do you know, I never told D that Wyatt passed away at birth, or even what was going on in my life up to this point. She knew I had a baby on June 1st, but I never told her that he died. She just saw that I was really down (I'm normally a very upbeat and happy person) and felt lead to pray for me. When I told her what has happened over the last six weeks and how much I needed to hear what she had to say to me, we were both fighting tears. God is so amazing, and he uses the most unexpected people to fulfill his purpose.
So back to this voice...
I realize Satan is trying to bring me down. Well, I have news for him... he isn't going to succeed! This "weak, broken mother" will continue to bring God glory by telling the world about what he did through her perfectly "broken" baby boy...
2 Corinthians 12:9 says
But he said unto me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
So yes, I am weak, but I know as long as I am obedient to God's ways, my weakness will bring glory to God. I will no longer question why God chose someone as weak as I to carry such a burden... I resign to being the unlikely woman whom God has chosen to fulfill one of his purposes while I'm here.