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Friday, July 31, 2009

July Under The Tree

Another month's end, and you know what that means... time to meet under the tree and talk about our sweet little babies!
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How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?

I see Wyatt just as he was when he was here in my arms. The only exception is that his body is now whole and he is growing into a little butterball. He must look so much like his older brother Eli did when he was 2 months old. I can't say that I imagine him as being an angel... as lovely as the idea is, I personally don't believe it. I believe he is being cared for by loved ones that have gone on to heaven, and that he is in the presence of God himself. I imagine Wyatt has seen more in his 61 days of being in heaven, than he would have seen had he lived an entire lifetime here on earth. Really, what could I have possibly been able to show Wyatt that God couldn't? I'm sure the beauty and love I planned to show him pails greatly in comparison to the beauty and love God has already blessed my sweet, sweet baby boy with.

Below is a picture of my oldest son Eli at two months old... This is how I imagine Wyatt today, of course, with a more defined chin like his daddy and a little Elvis curl of his lip! Oh, how I wish I didn't have to imagine...

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

Our loss is new...very new. As much as I would love to hold another baby in my arms, I am scared to death of looking at another child as "Wyatt's Replacement", or even worse, having to carry another baby to term with a fatal diagnosis.

Joseph and I wanted a truck load of kids... we aren't sure anymore. We honestly don't know if we will ever have the courage to try for another child. We are throwing around the idea of foster parenting or adopting later on down the road, but honestly, at this very moment, I can't see us getting pregnant again. Maybe once our hearts have healed a lot more, we may feel differently... Right now it just hurts too much to give it much more thought.


Holly said...

I don't imagine Carleigh as an angel either. I always use the word angel as an endearing term but I believe that humans can never be real angels because they are separate beings. No doubt they've seen much more than we could ever imagine.

I pray that you can find the path that is right for your family.

Anonymous said...

Another baby could never replace your sweet Wyatt. He is unique and precious and absolutely himself. He is part of an amazing, loving family and if you do decide to have another baby one day they'll be another wonderful, unique person in their own right too.

Sending love and strength in these raw, early stages x

Tina said...

You will know when/if it is time to add to your family. I think for any of us, it would be frightening, but for me, the joy outweighs the fear.

Laura said...

My heart breaks for you and praying that each day God gives you more air to breathe- it can be so hard to breathe sometimes after a piece of your heart is taken from you!
Laura d.

Henninger Family said...

I love you answer to your first question - I agree that Hudson is not an angel because I know that God does not take children to be his angels; He already has the angels planned out. I love to imagine him playing with all of the other children though...

It will be such a frightening day to think about having another child - I will be here to pray for you if/when that day does happen!