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Friday, July 31, 2009

Lessons I'm tired of being taught

Remember my sweet little puppy that so completely attached himself to me Monday morning? With a heavy heart, I must tell you that he lost his fight with Parvo this afternoon.

Really, I am at a loss for words.

I didn't even want another pet, but he wagged his sweet little tail into our family. I can honestly say I have never in my life been so attached to an animal... and so quickly. I would just sit in our rocker and hold him while I stroked his head... and he thumped his tail in approval. It was nice to have something in my arms, even if it was just a sweet little puppy.

I know if I hadn't of taken him in, he most likely would have died in the woods alone or something to that effect, but come on! This brings back all the pain and heartache I felt when I lost Wyatt just 61 days ago. I put my heart into every second I got with Wyatt, and for some reason, I've done the same with this puppy. I guess maybe because I don't have Wyatt here, so the puppy was the next best thing I had to "mother". (My other two children won't sit still long enough to let me cuddle on them)

I've spent my last couple of days pushing pedialyte down Patton's throat every 30 minutes because I've desperately been trying to keep him hydrated. I even slept on the floor with him when he was too sick to be rocked...

I'm sitting here holding the pieces of my heart in my hands again. I just started trying to piece it back together, and now, I'm wondering what's the point in trying? Before Patton got sick, I had a little piece of joy placed back in my life that I so desperately needed... Joy that left me when Wyatt couldn't stay here with me. I just want to be happy again, is it so much to ask?

You may think I am being completely ridiculous over being this upset from losing a puppy I just got on Monday, and, maybe you're right... but I'm heartbroken. I've been having a hard week in dealing with the fact that I'm living my life without Wyatt anyways...but this... this just adds more weight to the tons of bricks that were already on my chest suffocating me in the first place.

After Patton passed away, I sat on the couch and held him for quite a while. My mind was racing with thoughts like,"God, why are you doing this to me?" or "Please Lord, I really can't handle my heart breaking anymore", as I sobbed until I could hardly breathe. As I sat there wollowing in the mangled mess that used to be my heart, I hear my sweet daughter's voice singing. As I listen, I hear "God never fails... God never fails... God never fails... No, he NEEEVVVEEERR fails". I have never heard her sing that song up until now, but hearing her sing those words in her sweet little voice gave me enough strength to get off the couch and put Patton down.

I don't know what God's purpose in placing Patton in my life was, if he was just going to take him away again... but I don't know what his purpose in taking Wyatt away was either. Trust and Faith are two words that I am learning to hate! But I do trust that God knows best, and I do have faith in the fact that God truly, Never fails. Lord, I've learned my lesson in Faith and Trust... Please stop teaching them to me!



Ann said...

so sorry that he lost his fight...saying prayers for you.

Mary said...

I am so sorry about your puppy. It brought back memories of my brother's dog. About 9 years ago, he had a puppy that the vets originally misdiagnosed. They figured out in the end that he had Parvo. I remember the heartache he went through.

It doesn't matter how long you had him. You are a person with a good heart. You were there for Patton and he didn't die alone. You comforted him.

My neice says that when an animal passes away that they become Lukas' pet. So, in her words now Wyatt has a pet dog.


Holly said...

I am so upset to hear about Patton. I was really pulling and praying for him. I don't know why he came to you only to be gone so soon but I do know that he felt so much love while he was with you and I bet that just meant the world to him. I can't bear to think of him being all alone when he went. It just breaks my heart.

I absolutely understand what you are saying and feeling. I would've mothered that little puppy like no other. You were such a good mommy to him! I'm sure if he could talk he would've said thank you.

Henninger Family said...

I am so sorry about little Patton. I am also sorry it has "stirred the pot" of emotions again. It's not ridiculous at all to become to attached to quickly - it's human nature. Thinking about you!


My Very Own Angel said...

I am so sorry to hear about your puppy. You are in my prayers.


Lena said...

I am so sorry to hear about your puppy. Sorry I missed your post when you got him. Pets are part of our families and it is so hard to loose them. We have 2 dogs right now and I am so worried that one day I will have to say good-bye to either one of them.. Be honest with you, I was thinking about taking another puppy after Chandler is born, just to keep me busy and to take care about some living creature, but now I don't think I am going to do that ..

Sorry again, I know how it hurts. My parents just lost a cat I brought when he was only few weeks old. He was only 8 years old!

Bree said...

I'm so sorry about your puppy. I totally understand. Our pets are our world. When my cat died, I couldn't go to work for a week. Im so, so sorry. Thinking of you!