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Friday, July 10, 2009

Limbo

As Christians we should look forward to the day that our souls leave this earth and go on to heaven, right? Well, to be completely honest with you, I wasn't one of those Christians. Sure, going to heaven would be great, but in order to get there I'd have to die... which didn't sound very ideal to me. I wanted to live a long life and see my children and grandchildren, and maybe even my great-great grandchildren, grow up. I didn't want to be cheated out of living my life.

Don't get me wrong, I would still like to live a really long life. I want to go to sleep one night in the comfort of my bed and wake up in heaven... Wouldn't it be nice if it really happened that way?

I just couldn't imagine not having my family with me. They are my entire life. But that's my problem. My entire family isn't here.

Joseph, Ansley, and Eli have permeated every fiber of my heart. They mean the world to me... But Wyatt molded himself into my heart as well. When he went to heaven, my heart went with him too. So where does that leave me?

I'm living my life in limbo. I feel like my heart is somewhere in between my life here with my family, and my eternal life in heaven (which just happens to be where Wyatt resides). I'm stuck in the middle, being pulled in both directions. The trouble is, I want to be in both places. You know, all my problems would be solved if God would just allow visits! I don't believe he received my memo, I'll keep trying...

Seriously though, I trust God. Ultimately, my heart belongs to him. I know he has a purpose for me here. Just like he had a purpose for Wyatt while he was here. If for nothing else, for me to realize I needed to get my thinking correct. I wouldn't be cheated out of my life if it ended today... I have an eternal life to live. I have a savior who died on the cross not only for me, but for my family. Wyatt is living his eternal life in heaven now, instead of God knows where, because of Christs' love and sacrifice. I couldn't save my son. But God could... and he did. He saved his soul. In the big picture, the body really doesn't matter does it? No, not really. The body is nothing without the soul.

For now, God has chosen that my soul stay in this body. He still has a purpose for me that I need to fulfill for his glory ( figuring out that purpose is a completely different story. I'm still working on that one). I will accept living in limbo, because, aren't we all living in limbo anyway? This life isn't permanent... But when the day comes when it's my turn to surrender my body so my soul can enter into the gates of heaven, I will joyfully accept my saviors call whether it's 80 years down the road or tomorrow. Learning to let God have complete control of my life hasn't been easy, but I'm trying. After all, I'm sure he's much more qualified than I.

3 comments:

Holly said...

Limbo. That's a good word to describe it. Living between this life and the next. I can totally relate because some of my heart will always be missing until I am in Heaven with my children. Then I will be whole...complete...and everything will be perfect.

Henninger Family said...

I guess we can learn God's plan for us together =) You are right, it is so hard to let go of the control and allow for God to control it all. The past few months I have definitely given up being such a control freak and I am trying to live more rather than control my life. Thinking about you and your precious family!

~Kimberly

Celia said...

Yes...this is definitely limbo....I feel the same. My heart is yearning to be with Noah but it also desires to be here with my family....I think that would be wonderful....you know...if God allowed visits...(((sigh)))