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Sunday, June 6, 2010

A Letter to Seth

My Sweet Seth,

There is a very good chance I will be meeting you tomorrow. I've dreamed about this day for what feels like an eternity but now that it's upon me I wonder where the the time has gone. I feel so guilty for letting this pregnancy sneak by. I feel like I've been so scared of losing the chance to raise you like I did with your big brother Wyatt, that I've held back a part of myself... a part of my heart and love... because I was scared to let myself have hope for a future with you in it. Looking back now, that's so silly to me. You've had my heart from the moment I learned you existed. Keeping my heart guarded wouldn't have helped at all in the event that God called you home and away from our family. I love you just as much as I do your older siblings and my heart actually aches when I think about how badly I want to hold you in my arms.

But can I be honest with you my sweet little Seth? Mommy is scared. I keep thinking about all the things that can go wrong and take you away from me. When I was pregnant with Ansley and Eli it never occurred to me that being pregnant didn't necessarily mean you'd be bringing a baby home at the end of nine months. But when we found out about your brother Wyatt, my eyes were opened to a big world of mommy's who had to send their babies to live in heaven away from them. I was suddenly thrown into a world where bad things happen to sweet little babies. So I'm scared. I'm scared you'll be one of those babies and I'll be one of those mommies. Again.

That's not what I want for you. What I want is a lifetime to get to know you...

I want to hear your cry as you make you way into this world. I want to hold you close to me and look into a pair of bright eyes filled with life and a promise for a long future. I want to feel your warmth against my cheek and see your sweet little chest rise and fall with God's given breath of life. I want to celebrate you as you grow. I want to make a huge deal out of all the milestones I took for granted with Ansley and Eli, and that I could only wish for with Wyatt. I want first steps, lost teeth, and skinned knees to kiss all better. I want to be there to make you smile and to wipe away your tears when you cry. I just want to be able to be your mother.

I'm comforted to know that God will get us through whatever happens tomorrow, but my heart is screaming to God "Please keep my baby safe, don't ask me to surrender another child to you"...

So,... let's make a deal Seth. Mommy will brave and I will do everything I can to make sure you get here safely. But I need you to fight too. No more thoughts about something happening tomorrow that could take us away from one another... only love. When I start to worry or freak out, I will grab my tummy and tell you how much I love you. I'll tell you about how excited Ansley and Eli are to meet you. I'll tell you all about the future you have ahead of you here with us. Plain and simply, I'll hope. For the first time in this pregnancy I'll hope with all my heart.

I'll see you soon Seth. I love you.
All my love, Mommy

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18 comments:

Jess said...

Sending you a big hug, Danielle, along with all the hope in the world for you and Seth! Praying his birthday will be a bright, beautiful, and joyful day for your family that brings about lots of healing to your heart.

croleyc69 said...

What a sweet letter. I love it and I've got a lot of people praying for you tomorrow and always. I have a busy day tomorrow but my heart will be thinking of you and Seth so much. What a day not to be home and near my computer.

{{HUGS}} and Prayers always.

Caroline

Jill said...

I will be thinking of you and Seth!! xoxo

Cecilia said...

We'll hope with you!

Rachel E. said...

Danielle,
What a sweet letter. Praying for you and Seth as you prepare to meet tomorrow! Keep us posted.

belle said...

praying praying praying!

can't wait to see sweet pictures of him in your arms:)

Sweet Baby James said...

Praying for you and Seth tomorrow that his lungs are mature and that you will hold him warm and safe in your arms!!

katie said...

will be thinking of you and Seth tomorrow!

Betty said...

That's such a beautif letter. I am in tears reading it. My prayers wil be with you tomorrow. (((Hugs)))

House of Collinsworth said...

I've been praying so hard for you all weekend.

What a beautiful letter.

Mary said...

Danielle that was a beautiful letter to Seth. I will be praying that tomorrow you will finally hold your little boy. I pray that everything goes well. I can't wait to meet your little guy.

I hope you can get some rest.
((Hugs))

COUNTRY MOM said...

Danielle, I am praying for you and baby Seth. Praying to read the best update tomorrow. You and your blessing will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Sarita Boyette said...

Sending lots of love & prayers your way as you go to the doctor tomorrow. If it's time for Seth to be born, I pray the birth goes well and Seth is born screaming his little lungs out! xxxooo

Rikki said...

Ok and now i am crying!! That is such a beautiful letter. I want all of that for you too. Good luck tomorrow and i cant wait to see pictures of sweet Seth. Im sure tommorow is going to be an amazing day i just feel it. <3

crystal theresa said...

Danielle, you are in my heart and prayers. I hope that when Seth makes his entrance into this world, he is wailing with all of his lungs to his momma. ((hugs))

Nati @ I will praise Him said...

Beautifully written.

Praying!

Joanne said...

Danielle..I read this post & my heart literally wept. I cried so many tears - you are so so very brave. Wyatt must be looking down from heaven so very proud of his mommy right now. Your strength is amazing & you have my love & prayers for today. I hope that very soon your sweet little boy Seth is crying in your arms, nestling to be fed & you are able to enjoy each second with him. Xxxxx

Kristin said...

Praying for you today and waiting with excitement to meet Seth too! May God fill your heart with peace today!

Blessings, Kristin