My Sweet Seth,
There is a very good chance I will be meeting you tomorrow. I've dreamed about this day for what feels like an eternity but now that it's upon me I wonder where the the time has gone. I feel so guilty for letting this pregnancy sneak by. I feel like I've been so scared of losing the chance to raise you like I did with your big brother Wyatt, that I've held back a part of myself... a part of my heart and love... because I was scared to let myself have hope for a future with you in it. Looking back now, that's so silly to me. You've had my heart from the moment I learned you existed. Keeping my heart guarded wouldn't have helped at all in the event that God called you home and away from our family. I love you just as much as I do your older siblings and my heart actually aches when I think about how badly I want to hold you in my arms.
But can I be honest with you my sweet little Seth? Mommy is scared. I keep thinking about all the things that can go wrong and take you away from me. When I was pregnant with Ansley and Eli it never occurred to me that being pregnant didn't necessarily mean you'd be bringing a baby home at the end of nine months. But when we found out about your brother Wyatt, my eyes were opened to a big world of mommy's who had to send their babies to live in heaven away from them. I was suddenly thrown into a world where bad things happen to sweet little babies. So I'm scared. I'm scared you'll be one of those babies and I'll be one of those mommies. Again.
That's not what I want for you. What I want is a lifetime to get to know you...
I want to hear your cry as you make you way into this world. I want to hold you close to me and look into a pair of bright eyes filled with life and a promise for a long future. I want to feel your warmth against my cheek and see your sweet little chest rise and fall with God's given breath of life. I want to celebrate you as you grow. I want to make a huge deal out of all the milestones I took for granted with Ansley and Eli, and that I could only wish for with Wyatt. I want first steps, lost teeth, and skinned knees to kiss all better. I want to be there to make you smile and to wipe away your tears when you cry. I just want to be able to be your mother.
I'm comforted to know that God will get us through whatever happens tomorrow, but my heart is screaming to God "Please keep my baby safe, don't ask me to surrender another child to you"...
So,... let's make a deal Seth. Mommy will brave and I will do everything I can to make sure you get here safely. But I need you to fight too. No more thoughts about something happening tomorrow that could take us away from one another... only love. When I start to worry or freak out, I will grab my tummy and tell you how much I love you. I'll tell you about how excited Ansley and Eli are to meet you. I'll tell you all about the future you have ahead of you here with us. Plain and simply, I'll hope. For the first time in this pregnancy I'll hope with all my heart.
I'll see you soon Seth. I love you.
All my love, Mommy
Sunday, June 6, 2010
My Sweet Seth,