Are we really from the same gene pool?

I have never mentioned my "mother" before on this blog, and all for good reason... She has never really been my mother. She left my brother and I when I was only three years old. My dad was away fighting in the gulf war, and she dropped us off at our grandparents house because she had errands to do... Apparently, those errands have taken over twenty years to get done, because there is still a little girl in me hoping her mother will come around. However, That is a completely different story altogether.

To give you a little background, my brother and I weren't the only two children she did this to. Change a couple of details here and there, and she has done this to eight children. Yes, you heard read that correctly... she has given birth and walked away from eight children!

My entire life, I've always felt the desire to be a mommy and have lots of babies. I wanted to give my children the kind of life I could only dream about as a little girl. I wanted my kids to know that I would do anything in the world for them... But most importantly, I never wanted them to fear I would leave them and not come back.

I was so scared I wouldn't be able to have children for some reason, and I was met with sighs of relief each time my husband and I found that extra pink line on our pregnancy tests... I just figured that since my "mother" had all these babies and didn't want them, I'd want all these babies and not be able to have them. In a sense, that is kind of what has happened.

Today, I found out that my mother is pregnant with her ninth child. Seriously, can this woman PLEASE hit menopause already! Or will somebody make her tie her tubes, this is ridiculous, and it hurts!

I don't understand how this woman has been blessed nine times with perfectly healthy babies, and can just walk away from them. Although I would never wish losing a child on anyone, I am having a really hard time understanding why God did this to me instead of her. Clearly, it is no problem for her to just, walk away...

But here I sit. I'm aching to hold my son. I would give anything to have him in my arms. There is no distance I wouldn't travel if it were possible to even catch a glimpse of him... To be close enough to him that I could hear his laughter as it rumbled from his stomach and spilled out of his mouth,... to see the shimmer of joy sparkle in his eyes.

And there she sits. Just minutes away from a few of her children (ages 17,15,11,and 7) and won't even go see them because the guy she is with (at the moment) most likely doesn't know about them. She's using another poor little baby to trap another unknowing guy... When the guy she is with loses interest in her, she will lose interest in the baby that is currently growing inside of her. I don't understand. How can a mother walk away from her own children? Especially when it's of her own free will?

Life really isn't fair sometimes. I hope and pray my half brother or sister is happy and healthy. It just burns. My heart hurts knowing that she takes her children for granted... that she doesn't even care about them, when I would have given my life in place of Wyatt's. I still would if I could. Maybe the fact that my mother is pregnant for the ninth time shouldn't bother me so much. But it does! It burns. It burns bad! Can I really be from the same gene pool as this woman? I just can't believe someone like her could be related to me... much less my mother!