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Tuesday, November 17, 2009


I'm up! I've been up for a couple of hours now sitting in front of the toilet...

I feel so horrible even mentioning this. I know "morning sicknes" comes along with pregnancy territory, but Lord, is this really going to be worth it?

Normally, I would NEVER even have that thought cross my mind (okay maybe I would, but I'd NEVER vocalize it, or in this case type it), but here I am this morning consumed by these thoughts.

So now, I catch myself asking "Why am I thinking this"? And in all Honesty, the answer is that I just can't see this pregnancy ending well. For me, babies die now.

I sit here waiting to have a miscarriage...

I wait for the baby's heart to just stop beating...

I wait to hear "incompatible with life" once again...

I expect to go to my first appointment tomorrow and be told the baby is in the wrong spot...

There are just so many things that can go wrong and they constantly play their scenarios in my mind, over and over again. Maybe my baby doesn't have Thanatophoric Dysplasia this time. But what about the long list of other fatal conditions he/she could have? What if they are healthy and the cord gets wrapped around their neck? OR placental abruption? OR the baby dies in the birth canal just before I deliver? OR even dies shortly after from an undetected problem?

Do you notice all the scenarios I envision end in death?

Can you see that I am going to drive myself insane over the course of the next eight months?

I have been thrown so far out of my comfort zone! I'm terrified. There is just so much that can go wrong, and I'm having a hard time keeping faith that God will carry me through this pregnancy one way or another. In my heart I know he will, but then again... My heart is begging me to save it from being broken all over again.

So yes, I wonder if the discomfort I am experiencing will be worth it in the end. If I get to bring home a baby I say it is hands down. There isn't a discomfort I couldn't gladly smile through if I could fast forward to find out if the outcome for this baby will be different.

I know how selfish this sounds. It's almost like I'm saying the discomforts I faced with Wyatt weren't worth it because I didn't get to bring him home. Nothing could be further from the truth. I would have walked through fire for him (I still would).

Apparently, I am just being entirely too human today. Please forgive how incredibly selfish this post must sound... Of course the not so occasional trip to the bathroom will be worth it if I even get a glimpse of my child. Selfishly though, I don't want to settle for a glimpse... I want a lifetime.


Franchesca Cox said...

Hoping for you, and totally understand.