Last night was the Marine Corps. Ball.
I've been excitedly anticipating AND dreading it all at the same time...
As it turns out, it was a night full of fake laughter and pretending to be genuinely happy to meet people. Wyatt lingered in the not so very back of my mind the entire ball. You see this time last year I was newly pregnant with Wyatt. Just over 5 weeks pregnant to be exact.
Last year I was so sick, I spent the entire course of dinner just trying not to get sick while everyone else ate. I joked with Joseph before we got there that if I needed to get sick and couldn't make it to the bathroom, his cover (white hat) would never be the same!
This year, I chowed down on a lovely meal but had a hard time getting the food to go past the lump I felt in my throat.
Last year, hearing people talk about the babies they just had was filled with excitement and anticipation for the new life growing inside me.
This year, hearing of a new baby made me long to hold my baby and frankly, made me a tad jealous. I know Marine Corps. Balls are filled with Reds, Blues, and Whites, but there were a couple of times when all I could see was green...
It think it all boils down to this:
Last year babies didn't die.
Unfortunately, this year, it's a reality I can't escape.
You wouldn't have been able to tell by looking at me that my heart was breaking, again. Or that I wished the entire ball, that I was at the 2008 ball instead of the 2009. I've gotten pretty good at faking it.
The whole evening wasn't a bust though...
I did enjoy being out with my husband. He looks so handsome in his dress blues (Of course, I think he's handsome all the time)... But put him in that uniform, and WOW!
Plus, I talked Joseph into taking me by steak n shake on the way home and I engorged myself with a frisco melt and a side of cheese fries :) I think that was my favorite part of the evening!
Here are some promised pictures from last night.
(You may notice I'm not wearing the dress I originally wanted to get. I ordered it, but didn't like it on me. It was a little too snug in the top for my comfort (I probably should have ordered one size larger and it would have been fine). I was able to send it back and get a full refund and found the dress you see me wearing at a local dress shop.)
23 comments:
You looked absolutely stunning!
Traci
You looked gorgeous.
As for the "faking" thing, I think it's pretty "normal". Everything is so fresh still, there will be a lot of firsts for you that will be hard. Of course I can only imagine, and I hope I don't hurt you with my words. I am just trying to show you that I understand and that it is okay for you to feel that way!
You looked lovely! What a striking couple you two make. I'm sorry it was bittersweet, as it seems all good times are being bereaved mums. (((Hugs)))
You'll make such a beautiful couple! I am sorry your night was filled with sadness. It is crazy how life changes, the reality is awful.
I am glad you did have a good time being out with your husband. Steak n shake is awesome!
You look beautiful!!! I'm sorry to hear it was a tough evening for you. Thank you for letting us all be a part of this journey. I hope to be able to meet similar challenges with the same kind of grace that you do.
You looked beautiful and the dress is also beautiful. I'm glad you went and even though it was hard for you. I thought about you yesterday and said a special prayer for you. I know it's terrible that sometimes we have to fake our feelings but I'm pretty good at it to when missing my angels is tough or being around something that makes me miss them. God is always with you and he will carry you though. Thinking and praying for you so often. Take care
{{{HUGS}}}
Caroline
I also love Steak and Shake soooo yummy !!
You look beautiful. I too wish you could have been at the 2008 ball when life was still innocent. xx
You looked beautiful!
I am sorry you had such a rough time emotionally but you both look so beautiful!
You look wonderful Danielle! I love the dress and your hair looks so pretty! Im glad it wasnt a total bust though. It seems like every place I go be it Walmart, work or an evening out, I feel the same. I keep comparing the then to now. I end up feeling like Im forcing it too. *HUGS*
You make such a lovely couple! Glad you shared the photos.Love & prayers for you that God will continue to bring you through your loss of baby Wyatt.
Blessings, Sarita
You look so beautiful!! I know that it's so hard to go to all of the "normal" events in life when everything is far from normal. I know that it's not suppossed to be like this. It's not. But I do think that it's healing to step out of our comfort zones and do what we ought to do...even when it doesn't feel right. Kudos to you!
Hugs,
Trisha
I love the pictures. Beautiful dress. I bet that the steak n shake was wonderful! I love the friscoe melts. Yum!!!
You look beautiful, I am glad that you were able to have a bit of fun, you deserve it.
Danielle, the pictures of you and your husband are beautiful. You look so nice in that dress. I am glad that you went. Take care and God Bless. ((HUGS))
You look gorgeous! I'm sorry the evening was difficult...I had the same difficulty at a wedding this weekend. It's hard living life on this side.
I am so sorry to hear that your evening was somewhat saddened by memories and loss. The loss of a child is a pain beyond what I can imagine. My prayers are with you now and through this holiday season.
you look great!
You look beautiful! And Joseph looks handsome in his uniform. I'm sorry the night was a bust (except steak and shake! love their milkshakes!).
What a difference a year makes. If I look back a year it's a big difference. I totally agree when you said "last year babies didn't die". I don't know a mom who has lost their baby that hasn't faked it at some point.
I am sorry you had a rough time..:( on a lighter note though, you looked absolutely beautiful..((hugs))
I am sorry you did not have a good time this year...
I did want to tell you though that you look absolutely stunning in your dress. Beautiful!
Blessings,
Amy
Danielle,
You look simply beautiful and your husband accents that wonderfully. You two look completely happy to just be with eachother, a quality that is hard to find in picture of many couples these days. Pride yourself in the radiating love you both have for each other. :)
On another note, I want you to know that I cried reading this post. So many of your emotions captured many of the same emotions I have had many times in this past year. *I am often wishing on my mood status' on myspace and facebook that this was anyday in 2008, so I could just have my baby back.* I too am often jealous of other mothers who recently conceived or had a baby; sometimes because they simply seem like terrible moms, or just because they have what I long to have back for even just one moment. I too am often overwhelmed by how many deaths of babies there really are, when even now a year ago I wouldn't have a had this much of a clue (though, I did have a clue). You can never tell by looking at me that my heart is breaking all over again, but many times during the course of a week do I feel that same shattering feeling I felt when they laid Jayden in my arms, dead; and I lost all hope. But I too am very good at faking my happiness, much of the time. My poor baby - he is too in the not so very back of my mind, always.
I understand you. I am here for you. Despite your emotions, it seems the night went okay. You wore a beautiful dress, even if it wasn't the one you picked out. Your son was in heaven feeling so very loved and thought of, bursting with happiness; because you thought of him all night long. You even got steak and shake! How awesome!!!
Hope I helped.
<3 Ali
You look beautiful. Even though it was a hard night, i'm glad you found some joy in going out. *hugs*
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