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Sunday, November 8, 2009

I'm a fraud everywhere but here

I'm still here! I know I've been MIA lately and I apologize... I could give a million excuses from everyone in our house getting sick, to being slammed with photo shoots, to not being able to post onto my blog (I was very annoyed). I missed last weeks Wednesdays for Wyatt because I COULD NOT GET IT TO POST! MY blogspot was being screwy but barring any unforseen problems, Wednesdays for Wyatt will resume this week! Horray!

I missed all of you :) It feels so nice to be back here among friends.

With that being said, I need to get something off my chest...

As many of you probably know, I started doing photography full force after I had Wyatt. I love being able to line up a great shot, but most importantly, capturing "happy memories" is a priority in my life.

I've had quite a few jobs lately and I feel like such a fraud. For my business' sake, I can't just be this dark, twisty woman I've become... I have to be the old bubbly me.

People who do photo shoots with me would never guess my heart is so broken. I jump in the air, make funny noises, and make a complete lunatic of myself to get everyone to smile for me. I make jokes, laugh, and carry on the normal shallow conversations with my clients, because that's what is expected by everyone.

But I feel so fake. I feel like I'm lying to the world when I have to become that person. It's not who I am anymore. But at the same time, I want to keep people coming back to the crazy bubbly photographer who did unmentionable things to get good pictures!

I know this is something I'm going to have to work out for myself, but I just feel so much better when I can get these feelings off my chest and onto my blog. I don't feel so fake when I can come on here and tell you how I feel... SO, I feel like a fraud (in real life), but... I'm telling you I feel like a fraud (in real life) so that on here (my blog) I can still feel like a part of my life is real. Where I can be completely honest and know I'll not only be accepted, but understood... Make sense? I confused myself a little...

Photobucket

18 comments:

Mommy said...

Whew, I was beginning to worry! I'm glad everything is ok. I think everyone feels like a fraud sometimes in our world. We all pretend to be happy when we really aren't. I know that I have to pretend things are ok with people who have no idea my child is dead, and the people who can't even grasp the concept. You are always among friends and listeners here.
On a different note, did you get the gift I sent to you? I hope so, because if you didn't I just ruined the surprise lol

Trisha Larson said...

So funny that you posted that. I do photography too. However, I didn't work for 18 months after Nate died. Last year I only took photos of a handful of friends because I just didn't have it in me to jump around and act like a crazy lady (totally get that one). I also didn't want to take photos of babies and that was a lot of my business. So, the past couple of months I have finally felt "happy" enough to take photos again. It makes me feel good and I'm really happy doing it. It's good to be back.

Hugs,
Trisha

ps - Love ya whether you are a fraud or not - ha!!!!!

Franchesca Cox said...

Danielle, I have missed you!! So glad you're back. I am sorry you'll got sick... I get what you're saying though. We have to carry on even when inside we're shattered. You're not a fraud, you're surviving.

That's super cool that you do photography, I must have missed that. It must be a nice distraction.

xo

Ashley & Chris said...

Funny,I feel exactaly the same when I do my shoots with clients. I also got real into it after losingNolan, but I DO feel like a fake fraud.

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croleyc69 said...

I was worried and I'm glad your still around. I even checked Facebook too. Glad your back !!!
Take care
{{{HUGS}}}
Caroline

Cristin said...

I get it. I feel that way too. Not in my job cuz I don't have one of those at the moment. But in my real life. I feel fraudulent. With my 3 year old I fake happiness sooo much. With my family....holy balls can I fake it. But perhaps my mother was right all those years ago when she told me to "fake it till you make it".

Peter Stone said...

Makes perfect sense - and I don't think you are being a fraud. We can't wear our emotions out in the open to everyone, they wouldn't understand. But we do need somewhere to be ourselves, to express what we are going through.
When I was depressed, I hid it from my workmates by joking around, even though my insides were screaming. But at home I wrote page after page of exactly what I was feeling, in 'lamentations' and diary entries, largely written to Jesus, because I knew He understdood.

Kristy said...

I think on this road we walk, many times of our day is spent faking it. I know I put a smile on my face more times then not. Many times because people don't acknowledge my sons lives, many times because others just don't simply know. I hate pretending everything is fine, I hate acting. I wish I could be me, and show my pain. But for the sake of my children, I need to suck it up for the time being. When i'm alone, they are in bed, I can let it all out. And I do. You aren't a fraud, you are normal. *hugS*

Tiffany said...

First off, I missed you and I'm glad you're back.
I'm proud of you for being able to go back to doing your photography again. I'm sure it's hard to be that bubbly person, the one that's crazy, silly and fun. But don't feel like a fraud though. Everyone at some point hides their emotions like nothing is wrong. It's in our nature to hold in the emotions and share with those who we are comfortable with. You are lucky to have all of us here to open up to. Even if you don't know all of us in "real" life, it's safe and you can open up.
Glad to have you back now. Hope you have a great week!

Missing Kasey said...

I was beginning to worry about you! You are not a fraud, doing what you need to do to get great pictures. I admire photographers work! I wish I had that creative eye like you guys do! Again you are not a fraud! ((hugs))
Nicolle

The Blue Sparrow said...

Yay, your back! Me too! We got our computer back today! You're not alone in this post, Im afraid. I feel like people expect me to be back to normal and so I try to be for their sake, but it does feel like such a lie. We're never going to be that innocent and bubbly again, but with God's grace maybe we can make it to a new place and a new level of happiness. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. *HUGS*

KK said...

I hear you. I have to fake it at work sometimes and not even for a good reason! But I love that I can be real on my blog!

Karen said...

(((Hugs)))

Holly said...

Sometimes life gets busy and you can't post! It's ok!! You know, I have had those fraud moments too. I'm sure everyone has. Sometimes I put on the fake face and fake smile b/c I know they couldn't handle what is really underneath.

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Anonymous said...

As it is impossible by the way.

Anonymous said...

And it can be paraphrased?