I feel so guilty.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
And that's an understatement...
I feel guilt on so many different levels.
The biggest source of my guilt is simply that I'm pregnant again. I feel like I am doing Wyatt an injustice by carrying another child after he just passed away 5 months ago. I know I wasn't trying to have another baby, but I feel like my body should line up with my heart. My heart wasn't ready for this, so my body shouldn't have been either.
I keep envisioning Wyatt looking down from heaven and shaking his sweet little head at me. I worry he feels like I am going to try to "replace" him with this baby... Truth be told
, I worry I will resent this baby when it's born because they won't be Wyatt. What kind of a person am I to even think that? Surely not the kind to deserve another baby. I'm sure that won't be the case, but it's still a fear of mine. I know Wyatt will never be replaced... I could never replace him if I tried. I just hope he knows that.
And then there's the fact that I've managed to get pregnant while trying to prevent it. How did that happen? Seriously? I mean, I know how everything works, but I just don't see any possible way this could have happened. So how did it happen to me when I am practically the only one not trying to get pregnant, when there are so many of my friends who are desperately trying to have another baby and aren't getting pregnant month after month? It's so frustrating. My heart breaks for my friends each time another month is a bust, and it makes me feel even more guilty. It actually makes me sick to my stomach thinking about having to announce this pregnancy in about 12 weeks or so. I don't want to cause any more hurt to these special women in my life, but they are my friends and I want to share what God has done in my life as well. I feel like I'm up against a wall and a semi is barreling toward me with no way to escape!
And then, I feel guilty for being happy! Cautiously happy, but I'm warming up to the idea of having another baby. If it had of been up to Joseph and I, Wyatt would have been our last baby. Sure we wanted more children, but honestly, we were just too scared to risk our hearts again. I guess this way, we were left with no choice but to keep plugging along. God took the decision out of the equation. He made the choice and all we are left with is a very scary and uncertain eight more months... that hopefully end in a healthy baby we get to take home with us and keep! Maybe this pregnancy is what I needed to learn to completely trust God again. I guess I kind of have to now whether I like it or not! I just have to believe that God wouldn't have blessed us like this only to take another one of my babies away.