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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Hard Questions

I was sweeping. In my own little world wondering how in the world so much dirt can accumulate on my floor in such a short amount of time. My conversation with myself went something like this (yes, I talk to myself all the time sometimes):

"Seriously, do my children have a sand box in their room I don't know about? It's definitely messy enough to be hiding one... I'll have to check later. They at least had to sneak some in the house somehow... Pockets maybe?"

While I was getting the mini desert cleaned up in my living room, my daughter comes over and starts pulling on the back of my shirt.

"Mommy. Mommy. MOMMMMYYYY." Apparently, she had been trying to get my attention for a while.

"What do you need sweetheart?" I asked, wondering what in the world could be so important. I didn't smell smoke so the house wasn't on fire... I heard Eli playing, he wasn't hurt... I didn't see blood, Ansley was fine... So why did she look so perplexed?

"Mommy, You gonna save Wyatt?"

My heart dropped. How in the world do I answer this question? Great. Could she of possibly found a harder question?

"Baby, Wyatt doesn't need to be saved because he's in heaven."

"But Mommy, why you not save Wyatt?" All I have to say to that one is ouch. And yes, harder question found.

By this point I've already set my broom down and scooped her into my arms. I'm rocking her trying to figure out the right thing to say to a three-year-old. With tears involuntarily streaming down my face, I tell her that mommy didn't need to save Wyatt because God already did. That's why Wyatt was living in heaven instead of here with our family.

"Mommy, are you gonna save daddy and Eli and Ansley?"

"Well sweetheart, mommy will do everything she can to make sure you all stay safe, but mommy can't save any of you. You see God is Jesus' daddy and when he loves you and you love him back, he sends Jesus to come live in your heart. And when Jesus lives in your heart you will be saved. Do you like it when Mommy sings songs with you?(Ansley nods) Do you like it when mommy reads you stories from your bible?(Her eyes get big and she shakes her head in approval) Well that's all mommy can do for you. I can tell you about how much God loves you and hope that one day you'll love God enough to let Jesus come live in your heart."

I don't want Ansley to think I don't want to save her. I would give my life to save hers. I'd give her the heart out of my chest if that's what it took to save her life. Just like I would do for my husband or any of my other children. I would gladly chose death if that meant my child got life. No question. I wish I could make Ansley understand that. I would have taken Wyatt's place if there was any possible way I could have...

I hurt to hear my daughter wondering why I didn't save Wyatt. I wanted to with every fiber of my being. That's what a mom is supposed to do... protect their child, keep them safe. And it bothers me that I couldn't. If he could have been saved by someone loving him enough, he would have lived forever {here} because I loved him with every ounce of my heart. I still do.

It's hard to look at the big picture when you're having a hard time just looking at the next hour... Ultimately though, in the grand scheme of things, none of us can even save ourselves. God is the only one who can truly save us. I'm thankful God saved Wyatt. I'm thankful for the salvation of my husband and myself. And I pray for the salvation of my two living children. But really, I wish it were as simple as just wanting to save somebody. If that were the case, I'd have a sweet three and a half month old in my arms right now.
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11 comments:

Mary Ellen said...

What a touching post. Out of the mouths of babes..right? Wow, those were some tough questions she was working over in her little mind and I think you handled it so beautifully. I pray that I can talk to my James like that one day about his brothers and sisters that are living in heaven.

Nati @ I will praise Him said...

You really have a way with words and I love your response to Ansley!!!

Praying for you!

Trisha Larson said...

I've had many of those conversations - too many to count. It's hard because you want to say the "right" thing but honestly, sometimes I don't know or feel the right thing.

After Nate died, I heard someone's testimony that they became a Christian because their sibling died when they were little. She wanted to make sure that she got to see them again so as a teenager, she started walking with God. I've always thought that was pretty cool and it helps me focus on the big picture. Even when I'm living one day at a time.

Hugs,
Trisha

Missing Kasey said...

Oh Danielle...what a hard question, hugs to you and your faith. If it was only that easy that we as mommy's could really save our children!

Holly said...

Wow, those are hard questions. I think I would've been blindsided!! But you know what, Danielle? You answered them beautifully and with such grace. I would give my life for my children too. I would've done anything to save Carleigh, but I couldn't. That was solely in God's hands. And when you look at it, He did save her and I am so thankful she is in a place where I have the hope of seeing her again. I pray for the salvation of many of my loved ones. I want us all to be in Heaven together one day.

House of Collinsworth said...

The things you said were beautiful. Ethan has been asking hard questions about Noah lately. He doesn't understand why we can't just go visit him. He's confused about how Noah can be in the ground, but also be in Heaven. He asked if we could fly up to Heaven by holding a bunch of balloons so we could see Noah. Almost every night over the last few weeks he asks, "Mommy, did you lose your baby Noah?" Part of me wishes Ethan understood and part of me is so thankful that he doesn't fully understand.

Tina said...

I think it is very sad that not only was our innocence taken from us through the loss of our babies, but our young children also lost some of their innocence by having to learn about death so soon. You did a great job explaining this to your sweet Ansley. xx

Just Breathe said...

That was a beautiful post. I love the answers you had for her. What a wonderful mother you are. I love your love for God.

Malory said...

O my...this just broke my heart. What hurts me so much is how my son and all the siblings are hurting so much. And how they have been dealt this crappy hand they have to learn to deal with so young. How some are so scared because "babies don't die" and now they are terrified themselves. oh...if I could just fix my son's broken heart & all the other little ones out there who are walking this road of grief with their parents...

croleyc69 said...

What a beautiful post & so true. Kids can come up with some like you say Hard Questions. What a great & strong Mommy you are. {{HUGS}}
Caroline

Mary said...

My heart stopped as I read those questions. I can't imagine what I would have said. We all would have given our lives for our children. But, your faith has given you such a way with words. I know your little girl is on her way to be as strong in her faith as you.