Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I had a dream.
A very weird dream.
But one of the most beautiful dreams I think I've ever experienced.
It happened about two months ago and I still remember it vividly.
I was standing in a beautiful field filled with red and yellow wildflowers that continued until they met the horizon. Big Puffy clouds contrasted a deep blue sky filled with millions of stars although it seemed to be in the middle of the afternoon. The stars were so brilliant, I felt as though I could reach up and pluck one from the sky. As I lifted my arms towards the stars, my body started floating towards them. I was surrounded by a pure light that radiated my body, and I just knew I was in the presence of God himself.
I wondered if I might be dying. I was so at peace, this had to be what dying was like. I immediately started looking for Wyatt. I was looking for heaven's gates or a stairway... anything that would lead me to my son. I just knew I was going to meet him.
"It's not time", I hear a voice say.
"But I'm looking for my baby. Please, I need to find my baby", I plead.
"It's not your time", the voice repeats.
I start crying. "Why am I here. I don't understand. Please, father, I know it's you. My heart is so broken, the pieces of it are as sand. I just want to come home to you. My heart will never be what it was".
"You're right my child. Your heart will never be what it was, but it is becoming what I meant for it to be."
"Father, it's too hard. I can't do this"
Suddenly, before my eyes I see a snake. I'm normally terrified of snakes, but there was no fear to be found in my body.
"What do you see my child?"
"What is the snake doing, my child?"
I examine the snake closer and answer, "He's shedding father".
"Why is he shedding, my child?"
"Because he's growing father."
Then my chest opens up and my heart floats out of my chest. It's a perfect heart with no rips, tears, or blemishes.
"Father, this can't be my heart"
"But it is my child, watch."
As I watched the heart, it suddenly cracked into tiny pieces and a bright light oozed out of the cracks.
"How will you fix this my child", I hear the voice ask.
"I can't father. Will you fix it for me?"
"You have to let go of it first my child".
I realized I was clutching my heart trying to keep the cracked pieces from falling away.
"But it will break if I let it go father."
"I know my child. Do you trust me?"
I didn't answer but immediately let go of the heart I was holding so tightly. The light shining through the cracks became so bright I had to shield my eyes. The broken pieces fell away, but underneath it was a bigger more perfect heart.
And then I hear the voice ask, "What do you see in front of you?"
"My heart, Lord."
"Why did it break my child?"
"It had to break father,... so it could grow."
"It's not your time my child, I'm not through with you."
And then I woke up.
What an amazing dream. I woke up and realized God had to break my heart to make me a better, stronger woman in him.
I grabbed the bible off my night stand determined to find a verse on broken vessels being used to God's glory, but I couldn't find anything. I looked for three days and was ready to give up. I put my bible down and prayed for God to direct me to the verse he meant for me to find.
Immediately upon opening my bible I opened it to 2 Corinthians Chapter 12. As I read, I started getting discouraged for not finding what I was looking for. And then it seemed to jump off the page. My heart started racing and I knew I had found the verse God meant for me to have.
2 Corinthians 12:9
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
I have been clinging to this verse ever since.
I'd forgotten about wanting to write this post about my dream until today. My week has been a challenge. Today has been one of my bad days. I actually got so fed up with everything earlier, I stormed out of the house and laid in the middle of my driveway sobbing.
I found myself talking out loud to God. In between sobs I begged God,"Please don't let this emptiness swallow me. I feel so empty. Fill this emptiness in me Lord. I need you. I can't do this anymore. I need you in my life MORE than I've been allowing you to be. So please, I begging you, Fill me with your presence."
Who knows how long I was laying in the driveway... but when I was ready, I picked myself back up and went into the house. I hopped on the computer to blog about my tantrum and came across Celia's post on Birthday Verses. She was kind enough to look up Wyatt's for me and post it on her blog (Love you girl, thanks!), so I decided to look up the rest of my family.
Would you like to guess what mine was?
2 Corinthians 12:9
I couldn't help but laugh out loud. Through a woman who is quickly becoming one of my best friends and a post she wrote on Birthday Bible Verses, he let me know he's with me. Celia, God IS using you through your blog to bring comfort to others. He used you to bring me comfort today.
Because God is great like that!