Sunday, September 6, 2009
I've been doing something dangerous.
Something I try not to let myself do, but fall victim to daily.
I let my mind wander.
What have I been thinking about?
A single word.
How many times have I heard that word when I hear someone say a loved one has gone on to heaven? How many times have I used those very words myself? "I lost my son Wyatt three months ago shortly after birth".
But that's not a true statement.
Sure, I've lost so much concerning my son...
My Plans for my family, for my life, that included all three of my children.
I lost everything I hoped to know about him...
But I've never lost my son.
Saying "I lost my son" implies that I have no idea where he is, and that simply isn't true. He's in heaven. A place that has to be so much better than where I'm sitting. A place where my son can just be. A place where he doesn't have to navigate through a temporary life and try to find God's beauty in the world... God's beauty is all he knows. Wyatt is in a place my heart longs for.
I want my heartache to go away, and I just don't see that happening this side of heaven. It scares me that I'm growing accustomed to living with this heartache. I have moments where it almost feels "normal". The hurt, the tears, the physical aching of my body to hold my son again... They've become so much a part of my life, I worry this IS my new normal. But enough of that...
Yes, my son is gone, but he's not lost. I take what comfort I can, in simply knowing where he is and that he's safe. God gave me the son I prayed for, but took him back so I would savor him all the more when I finally make it to heaven. I sure wish God would have asked me for MY thoughts on the matter. But he didn't. However, I trust God had a greater purpose for Wyatt than any of my hopes or dreams could have afforded him. I lose sight of that often and have to remind myself constantly that God is in control, he always has been. I just wish I didn't have to wait for heaven before all of this makes perfect sense to me. I'm not a patient woman!