I've been doing something dangerous.
Something I try not to let myself do, but fall victim to daily.
I let my mind wander.
I think.
What have I been thinking about?
A single word.
Lost.
How many times have I heard that word when I hear someone say a loved one has gone on to heaven? How many times have I used those very words myself? "I lost my son Wyatt three months ago shortly after birth".
But that's not a true statement.
Sure, I've lost so much concerning my son...
Birthdays.
Graduations.
My hopes.
My dreams.
My Plans for my family, for my life, that included all three of my children.
I lost everything I hoped to know about him...
But I've never lost my son.
Saying "I lost my son" implies that I have no idea where he is, and that simply isn't true. He's in heaven. A place that has to be so much better than where I'm sitting. A place where my son can just be. A place where he doesn't have to navigate through a temporary life and try to find God's beauty in the world... God's beauty is all he knows. Wyatt is in a place my heart longs for.
I want my heartache to go away, and I just don't see that happening this side of heaven. It scares me that I'm growing accustomed to living with this heartache. I have moments where it almost feels "normal". The hurt, the tears, the physical aching of my body to hold my son again... They've become so much a part of my life, I worry this IS my new normal. But enough of that...
Yes, my son is gone, but he's not lost. I take what comfort I can, in simply knowing where he is and that he's safe. God gave me the son I prayed for, but took him back so I would savor him all the more when I finally make it to heaven. I sure wish God would have asked me for MY thoughts on the matter. But he didn't. However, I trust God had a greater purpose for Wyatt than any of my hopes or dreams could have afforded him. I lose sight of that often and have to remind myself constantly that God is in control, he always has been. I just wish I didn't have to wait for heaven before all of this makes perfect sense to me. I'm not a patient woman!
7 comments:
I really like this post. You are so right and I've never thought of it that way. Of course he's not lost, you know exactly where he is.
Thank you for your insight into the work lost. God Bless.
You are such a strong woman. Thank you for reminding me today that I havent "lost" my son becuase your right, I know where he is at. It still stings though and I too loose sight of the fact that my loss is heavens gain.
very true Danielle...I have said that before- and you're right- they're not 'lost'-they are in heaven. I feel lost without them though that's for sure.
I am not exactly a patient woman either....my body aches to hold my boys too.
xx
Since Nate died and we've become members of this club of sorts, I've noticed that everyone always says "I'm sorry for your loss" and "We lost our child too". For some reason I've ALWAYS been uncomfortable with that. I usually say that Nate died and not that we lost him. When I have used the word "loss" I've been uncomfortable. I feel like "loss" is such a kinder, more gentle word and that's not what happened to us. Our son died! Yes, I know where he's at...but he's still not with me. And, I'm selfish because that's where I want him to be.
Thank you for this post so that I know that I'm not the only one that feels this way. I don't think that I've ever heard anyone else question the "lost" reference before.
Hugs,
Trisha
Thank you for sharing this! This side of heaven, I don't think our hearts will ever grow patient enough... or stop hurting so badly. But you are right, so right when you say that they are in a far better place than we are! Thanks for the encouraging words. xxx
Oh my gosh Danielle!! You are so right!! I've never really given it much thought but that word does imply that we don't know where they are and that's not true! When speaking to people I usually say that she passed away or was born still.
I read your post and it reminded me of an episode of ER when one of the doctors' son died. She said there is no word for a mother who loses their child. Someone who loses their spouse is a widow, someone who loses their parent is an orphan but a mother who loses their child is just LOST.
My son lived for 12 hours just over 9 months ago now and I still feel so lost.
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