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Thursday, August 13, 2009

Walking with You, with a twist!

Kelly, of The Beauty of Sufficient Grace Ministries, has created Walking With You. It's a place where we go to talk about different topics each week that have affected how we grieve the loss of our children. I am new to this, as this will be my first post with them, but I just couldn't let this topic pass me by...

This week's topic is the things that people say. As there are already so many wonderful posts on the no-no's people say to us either during the pregnancies where we were carrying our sweet babies to term, or after our baby has passed, I would like to focus on something different... The things people DON'T say.

Yes, I heard more than my fair share of insensitive or hurtful comments, but I could get over those. After Wyatt's diagnosis, People started treating me like I wasn't even pregnant anymore! It still bothers me because I feel like I was cheated out of the pregnancy I deserved with Wyatt. Shouldn't my pregnancy with my son be MORE special since it was all I would get with him? I thought so, but apparently, most people didn't.

It hurt down to my soul when people would ignore my son, or the fact that I was even carrying him inside of me.

It hurt to have people "write him off" before he was even gone.

It hurt when people didn't ask if I was feeling Wyatt kick.

It hurt when people didn't ask to touch my belly so they could feel my son move.

It hurt that people avoided asking me how our doctor appointments went.

It hurt when I was asked to help move a heavy object,... so heavy in fact, that a pregnant woman had no business moving it.

It hurts that I never received a gift for Wyatt during my pregnancy. It would have been such a nice gesture... Something as simple as a blanket or a hat to use after he was born. But instead, people didn't see the point. OUCH!

It hurts that I got "sorry for your loss" cards instead of "It's a Boy!" cards.

It hurt when people would visit me in the hospital after Wyatt was born, and not even come over to look at him.

It hurt when people avoided looking at him during his viewing or funeral.

And it STILL HURTS to think that people avoided my son... my pregnancy... the only time any of us would EVER get with him... while he was STILL HERE.

Yes, words can hurt. They can hurt us very deeply,... but I find the words left unsaid, and the actions left undone are what hurt more than anything.



Holly said...

Thanks Danielle for showing a different side. It is true that the things that weren't said or done hurt also. I hated it a lot when we were ignored.

Jennifer Ross said...

I really liked the ending of your post:
"Yes, words can hurt. They can hurt us very deeply,... but I find the words left unsaid, and the actions left undone are what hurt more than anything." That is so very true, and exactly how I feel. It was just like our children were never even here. I could really relate to all of the things that hurt you. Thank you for sharing all of the hurts with us.


Danielle Holsapple said...

Danielle,Thank you for sharing this... It is so very hard for people to understand. And often in their hope to help, they stick their foot in their mouths. (HUGS) to you.

Trisha Larson said...

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this too. I agree with you on feeling invisible. I wrote an entire post about how people just need to DO SOMETHING. I think that my goal for the rest of this life on earth is going to be to teach people that when someone is hurting, you have to RUN TO them NOT FROM them.


Celia said...

Oh Danielle....It's as though I could have written your words. We went through that as well. My mom likes to call it the "purple elephant" syndrome because while its extremely obvious to everyone NO ONE is talking about it.

I would even go so far as to holler out whenever Noah would kick rather strongly....and never a word....No one even looked at me or offered to see if they could feel him kicking. It was as if Noah wasn't really there and I wasn't even pregnant.

I would love to repost this on my blog in some form if you would allow it.

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Danielle...thank you so much for sharing this perspective as well. So true that the things left unsaid cut deeply. I'm so glad you joined us this week.

Love and Prayers,
Kelly Gerken
Sufficient Grace Ministries