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Friday, August 7, 2009

Drowning with a smile on my face


Yesterday was one of those days where I felt like I was drowning. You couldn't tell by looking at me. I looked like I normally look on any other day. As a matter of fact, people who don't really know much about me or what has happened in my life over the last couple of months, would have no idea I've endured the greatest heartbreak of my life.

It struck me as being very odd when all of the employees at the gym where I go to workout, started calling me "sunshine". Apparently, I always have a smile on my face or something nice to say... I think they must have me confused with someone else, because I certainty don't feel like the woman they see everyday...

The best way I can describe these past few months might not make very much sense, but I will try my best.

I feel like I have been drowning with a smile on my face. Your probably asking how that is even possible, right? Well, it's a good question. And to answer you,... I have no idea! I just know that is what it feels like to put on my happy face each day.

I have days where relentless waves of despair crash against my tired body. I hang on for dear life and try not to be dragged into the whirlpool of hopelessness that is threatening to devour me. On these days, I am so weak... so exhausted from just trying to keep my head above water. There have even been times where I've lost my grip and thought to myself, "This is it. Lord, I'll never get out of this storm." But I did. God was there when I couldn't tread the water any longer. He's always been there on these days to sustain my weak, aching body. These days are becoming fewer and further between, but I dread it when these days find their way back into my life.

I have other days where I just feel like I'm floating. I'm here physically, but mentally, I am letting this robotic version of myself carry out the tasks I'm supposed to do throughout the day. After I've had a couple of these days in a row, I find that I'll look around and say ,"Did another week go by already?" or "When did my children learn how to do that?".

I'm learning how to force myself out of those days... Just because I won't get to witness all the "firsts" that Wyatt should be here doing, doesn't mean I have to miss out on the accomplishments of my other children. If anything, I've learned how precious each second I get with my children, actually is. I don't want to float my way out of the hurt and heartache I'm dealing with... It may be the easier thing to do, but I would be shortchanging not only myself, but my children (all three of them), my husband, and God.


And then I have the days where I'm only having to wade through the grief of living here without Wyatt. These are the days where I can actually think about Wyatt and smile. I can be joyful for the time I got with him, instead of being consumed by the ache in my heart for my son to be here, sharing a life with our family... On these days, I'm not being swallowed by a raging sea, and I'm lucid enough to breathe in the beauty of what God did through the amazing life of my son. Yes, there is still a deep longing for Wyatt to be here, and yes, it still hurts... but on these days, I am able to be truly thankful that God chose to spare my son of the pain and sufferings of this world. These days are cherished, as I have only experienced a few. But I imagine, as time goes on, my life will be filled with more days like this.

Looking at me from the outside, you would never be able to tell which of these days I'm having. Whether it's one of those days where I'm completely consumed by my grief, or where I'm floating by because I'm too weak to do anything else, I'll probably have a smile on my face. I'll probably laugh at your jokes. I'll probably even remember our last conversation together, and ask you about what is going on in your life. But I'll never get over the loss of my son. I will think of him until the day I take my last breathe on this earth. As a matter of fact, I will probably spend the rest of my life trying not to drown... But I am able to do it with a smile on my face because I know God will never let me.




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4 comments:

My Very Own Angel said...

I understand 100% with how you feel, and it possible to feel that way and still smile. I don't know how we do it, but we do it. Thank you expressing what so many mothers feel

The Colvin's said...

I don't have other children just my angel, but I know how you feel. I can tell you that you learn to cope and living day to day gets a little more manageable. It never gets easier, but just remember that Wyatt is in a better place watching over you and he is with you ALL the time. ((Hugs))

Mary said...

This is not a hard analogy to understand for us. Those days are so hard. I am truly sorry that you are going thru this. I wish you were telling us of happier times.

Celia said...

Oh Danielle....this post has been rambling around in my head since I first read it. I feel that way too. You might not ever KNOW how I am feeling on any particular day but my grief is ALWAYS with me....even when I have a smile on my face. Great post....