Saturday, August 22, 2009
Yesterday was a day I wasn't ready for.
I thought I had more time to prepare.
I wish Joseph were here to hug me. I really need his arms around me right now.
I wish I could just be happy without feeling my heart break all over again for my sweet Wyatt. Because I am happy. I'm thrilled.
Oh, how I wish Wyatt could have been with me yesterday... everything would have been perfect. I wouldn't have been so aware of what I'm missing out on.
You may be wondering what in the world I'm going on about...
One of my dear friends gave birth to her son R Wednesday morning, and I made my first trip to the hospital to see a baby since Wyatt's birth. R was born 3 weeks early, so I didn't even think about having to make this big step by myself (R is doing wonderfully even though he made his entrance early, thank God).
Joseph called me and told me R was born, and I was flooded with "Oh, I'm so happy for K and P!", and "Oh my Lord, I have to go visit them by myself, how am I going to get through this?"
I sat out in the parking lot taking my time to get up to their room, all the while giving myself a pep talk. "You're not going to cry. Focus on how happy you are for them. You're not going to cry. You can do this. You're not going to cry. You're not going to cry. If you can handle giving your son over to someone knowing you will never see him again, this will be a piece of cake! You're not going to cry. You're not going to cry. You're not going to cry."
As soon as K put baby R in my arms I lost it. It was his chin. He had the cleft in his chin like my Wyatt did.
I felt so stupid.
I was so mad at myself. Remember, I wasn't going to cry...
I didn't want to let my grief damper the joy of the wonderful blessing they were given. I am so incredibly happy for them, but I wish my happiness for them is all I could feel.
This stupid grief.
How I hate my grief.
An unwelcome, unwanted thief.
How I resent it for robbing me of my joy... especially when it's on such a wonderful occasion as this.
But, I made it through.
I can only image it will get easier from here. Sure, I'll probably still cry sometimes when I hold him, but it's not because I'm not happy. I just miss Wyatt. I always will.
But, it sure was nice to have the emptiness in my arms filled, even if only for an hour.