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Saturday, August 22, 2009

Grief the Thief

Yesterday was a day I wasn't ready for.

I thought I had more time to prepare.

I wish Joseph were here to hug me. I really need his arms around me right now.

I wish I could just be happy without feeling my heart break all over again for my sweet Wyatt. Because I am happy. I'm thrilled.

Oh, how I wish Wyatt could have been with me yesterday... everything would have been perfect. I wouldn't have been so aware of what I'm missing out on.

You may be wondering what in the world I'm going on about...

One of my dear friends gave birth to her son R Wednesday morning, and I made my first trip to the hospital to see a baby since Wyatt's birth. R was born 3 weeks early, so I didn't even think about having to make this big step by myself (R is doing wonderfully even though he made his entrance early, thank God).

Joseph called me and told me R was born, and I was flooded with "Oh, I'm so happy for K and P!", and "Oh my Lord, I have to go visit them by myself, how am I going to get through this?"

I sat out in the parking lot taking my time to get up to their room, all the while giving myself a pep talk. "You're not going to cry. Focus on how happy you are for them. You're not going to cry. You can do this. You're not going to cry. You're not going to cry. If you can handle giving your son over to someone knowing you will never see him again, this will be a piece of cake! You're not going to cry. You're not going to cry. You're not going to cry."

I cried.

As soon as K put baby R in my arms I lost it. It was his chin. He had the cleft in his chin like my Wyatt did.

I felt so stupid.

I was so mad at myself. Remember, I wasn't going to cry...

I didn't want to let my grief damper the joy of the wonderful blessing they were given. I am so incredibly happy for them, but I wish my happiness for them is all I could feel.

This stupid grief.

How I hate my grief.

An unwelcome, unwanted thief.

How I resent it for robbing me of my joy... especially when it's on such a wonderful occasion as this.

But, I made it through.

I can only image it will get easier from here. Sure, I'll probably still cry sometimes when I hold him, but it's not because I'm not happy. I just miss Wyatt. I always will.

But, it sure was nice to have the emptiness in my arms filled, even if only for an hour.



Tina said...

What a wonderful friend you are. I am sure she knows how hard this was for you and I bet she truly appreciates what you did. I have yet to hold an infant in my arms since losing Sophia & Ellie. I don't think I will until it is their little sister or brother. You are very brave and strong to do this all on your own. xx

Holly said...

(((hugs))) I think you did pretty well considering it all. Seeing babies isn't always easy. They are reminders of what we have lost. I wish Joseph could've been there to go with you.

Just Breathe said...

You poor thing. I am sure that they knew exactly how difficult it was for you. Your very brave. It is so sad that you have to walk this road on your new journey.

My Very Own Angel said...

Just because you cried didn't mean you ruined a happy moment. Could you have been releasing tears of a bitter sweet step forward?? Don't always look at the glass half empty. You said that baby R was the first new baby you went to see in the hospital. So guess what? You've crossed yet another check point on your goal to open your arms and hold your sweet Wyatt again. I am very proud of you for being so very brave.

But yes Grief can be stupid can't it be?

Traci~ Ordinary Inspirations for the everyday wife, mommy, and homemaker said...

Oh, how my heart breaks for you! I pray that this "grief", (although it will never go away), will sting less and less each day, by God's grace.

I love you!


Franchesca Cox said...

Thanks for posting this. I experienced a similar situation and it was *so* nice to have the empty arms filled even for a brief while.

I think you handled it as best as can be expected.

Ann said...

My heart aches for you. I don't think it will ever get easy but maybe a little more bearable.

Trisha Larson said...

Oh man, this is the last big first I have to tackle. I am absolutely terrified of holding another baby. I know that it will bring back ALL of those emotions again. Since I'm not having any luck getting pregnant again, I've been wondering if I should just ask a stranger if I could hold their baby just so I could get it over with. Silly I know but I feel like that FIRST is hanging over my head. I understand how hard it was for you but I think that's it's so good that this one is behind you. Now you can move on down the path of grief and healing. It's a good thing.


ps- Thank you so much for you kind words. They really touched me!

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

I have just read your story for the first time and was so heart is aching for glad that I found your site.

House of Collinsworth said...

I think it was great that you went to see them. I understand what you best friend's daughter is almost 3 months old now and I love her so much, but I also hurt so much. I love getting to hold her and spend time with her...but we always joked that Noah would be her little boyfriend and we were so excited to have little babies together. I have to hold back the tears so often. I love her, but I miss Noah so badly. Praying for you too!!!

House of Collinsworth said...

WOW....I saw the angel urn that you had and I wondered where in the world you had gotten it made to look just like your son. Then I searched through your blog and found the post about it. AMAZING.

Celia said...

Danielle, I just read this last night and was blown away. The courage you showed (as well as love) to go to that hospital to greet that new baby. I don't think I could have done it. If I had, I know I would have balled my eyes out too. The tears come sometimes without warning. I'm sorry you had to go alone and wish Joseph could have been there for you. I am SCARED to death to hold another baby. I'm not sure I will until it is my own. It is probably something I should just "do" but I can barely LOOK at babies out and about without getting emotional. The weird thing is that I'm so drawn to them and seem to notice them EVERYWHERE! I know its only because at the moment I'm hyper aware of them but still....

You are very brave and that took a lot of courage. I think you handled yourself beautifully and your friends think even more of you for having the courage to come welcome their new addition.

YOu go girl!