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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Confession and Help

I know, two posts in one night... but it really didn't feel right to damper my previous post on Celia's heartfelt gift by this post.

I have some confessing to do.

When I'm done with that, I need your help.

Confession time.

The easiest way to do this, I guess, is to just blurt type out very quickly what I need to tell you. So here it goes...

I carry Wyatt's cremains in my purse with me, everywhere I go.

Go ahead, quick... UN-follow by blog before the craziness rubs off on you, I'll understand! Sometimes, I wish I could find a way to escape from myself... no such luck yet.

Why do I carry cremains around with me, you might ask? That's simple. I feel guilty if I leave Wyatt at home. I feel like he should be with me, just like my other children. I feel like a bad mother for not "taking care" of all my children. I also have an irrational fear of my house burning down while I'm away, and losing every piece of tangible evidence I have that he ever existed. I couldn't image leaving him home one day, my house burning down, and me "losing" my son all over again... So I carry him with me.

{Please let me clarify that I realize It's not really Wyatt that I'm carrying around with me... I know he's in heaven where he belongs. I know his body is just the "shell" he was here in,... but it's all I have of him here.}

I feel, once again, like a crazy woman for carrying Wyatt around in my purse. I've looked into getting a custom urn necklace made, only to be told "their manufacturer's couldn't source alexandrite (Wyatt's birthstone) so they could use Emeralds and I could try to find someone to switch out the stones later"! Are you kidding me? I've been working on designing this necklace for about a month and a half... they even sent me pictures of the wax mold! A little heads up would have been nice.

So, I'm back to square one. I've scoured the internet looking for an urn necklace... and I've found nothing. I've found some necklaces I really liked, but they don't hold cremains...

I want to keep a part of my son with me at all times.
I don't want to be the crazy woman who carries her son's cremains in her purse...

I want to find something that screams Wyatt to me.
I don't want to settle on something I'm just not thrilled with...

Heck, If we're being truthful here...

I want to hold Wyatt.
I don't want to have to buy some stupid necklace to be able to do that.

Unfortunately, we don't always get what we want, do we?

I've found a necklace I'm willing to settle on, but I wanted to come to you first. If there is anyone who knows of a good website or company that sells urn necklaces, please leave me a link or contact information.

For my sanity, I feel like this is something I need to get done. I have been taking big steps lately with holding babies, taking a friend to a prenatal visit, and visiting a friend at the hospital to meet her new baby boy... My next big step is to leave Wyatt at home. I just don't think I'll be able to do it without knowing I still have part of him with me. Any help, even just words of wisdom or suggestions, would be greatly welcomed and appreciated.

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11 comments:

Anonymous said...

I do not think you are crazy. what you are doing makes perfect sense to me. When our baby died 34 years ago, I wanted to bury her in our yard so I could see her grave all day, if I wanted to. I didn't tell my husband that because I knew the city probably wouldn't let us do that.As the weather got colder after her death, I had the strong feeling that she was cold and I wished I could wrap blankets around her casket.Of course, I couldn't do that either.She was in Heaven and certainly not cold, but grief made me feel that way. Grieve the way you need to and if you have to take your baby with you, then do it.I can certainly understand why you feel this way. If you are wanting to start leaving his cremains at home, there are fireproof boxes you can buy.We have one.I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet baby. He is precious!
Blessings, Sarita
sboyette@tx.rr.com

Trisha Larson said...

Oh sweetie -- I wish that I had some advice. Personally, once Nate was gone I did't feel any connection to his body. His spirit left him when his heart stopped and I saw that happen. It wasn't him anymore.

I have only visited the cemetary 1x in 17 months. I just don't like it there. I KNOW that he is not there anyway. It's just his shell and that makes me sad. Really sad because I want it to be him.

I don't want to make it sound like it's not okay to carry him with you. By all means I believe that you should do whatever helps you heal. I just didn't walk that particular path.

However, I do get the necklace thing. I ordered a necklace from the hospital 2 hours before Nate died. He was suppossed to come home the next day so I ordered a necklace from mommyjewlrey.com with ALL 5 of my kids names on it. After he died, I panicked and tried to cancel the order. But, my husband reminded me that he is still my son no matter what. I got the necklace in the mail a week after his funeral and haven't taken it off since. Not even for a day.

Hugs!!!

Trisha

Franchesca Cox said...

It's ok if it seems crazy to the rest of the world, at least you are making steps to heal. It's huge that you have held a baby. That was a big step for me, and it felt wonderful. I sure hope you can find the necklace that reminds you of your dear little boy.

Roxanne said...

Your not crazy, your a mother . I dont know the feeling of a lose like you but do understand not wanting to leave a child behind . It sounds like you are set on a necklace but maybe there is other options? bracletes or something small to carry with you ? Another idea could be taking baby steps to leaving him at home ? Remeber you will never leave him fully god is with him .

Roxanne

http://ourjourneyoftheunknown.blogspot.com/

my Beautiful Little Bird said...

I don't think you are crazy at all! If my Samantha was cremated I would carry her with me too. I found this website. You might already know about it: http://www.everlifememorials.com/cremation-jewelry-s/14.htm

hope this helps a bit.

Holly said...

I don't think you're crazy at all and I don't plan on leaving you!! I have definitely entertained thoughts of my house burning down and losing it all. I have thought of buying one of those huge fireproof safe and stuffing all of my keepsakes and treasures in it. And this is something I have thought about on more than 1 occasion.

You know, my bday is in June too and besides Alexandrite, Pearls are June's birthstone too. I don't know if you'd want a a pearl or not but thought I'd suggest it. As far as cremation necklaces I suggest going to My Forever Child. Sue definitely has some there that I think are nice. I don't know of any other sites that have them off the top of my head.

Celia said...

Danielle, I too am searching for a piece of cremation jewelry for Noah. Our entire family is going to get something. I myself am looking for a pendant that will hold Noah's picture as well as can be engraved. Harder to find than you may think.

Here is one site that we have had some success in finding things at:
www.perfectmemorials.com
Here is another one:
www.evrmemories.com

I don't know where you have been looking but I agree that finding the "perfect" one is very hard.

And I don't think you are "crazy" in the least. I too had that fear and would take Noah to wherever I was spending my day in our home and then bring him back to bed at night. So you make perfect sense to me!

Missing Kasey said...

((hugs)) You are not crazy. Just know he is with you at all times regardless if you have his ashes with you. The priest that came and baptized Kasey and did his service asked where we were putting Kasey (something to that effect)I said home where he belongs. He encouraged us to bury him. I refused bc I wanted him home with us. He said that it helps with the healing process...
Back to the topic-you can have him made into a diamond. I have not looked into ern necklaces, but know they are out there... Sorry I am not much help.

Carrie said...

You are not crazy, I felt the SAME EXACT WAY after getting Aaron's cremains. I had the same feeling that if I left home without them I would somehow be leaving him home and if I had other children I wouldn't do that...so I know exactly where you are coming from and feel it's completely normal for any mother that loves her child. I also had the fear of the fire thing, we have a fireproof safe and his cremains are in that. The way I dealt with bringing him with me when I leave the house is I had a special bracelet handmade with his birthstone and charms that remind me of him. It's very unique and special, nobody has one like it and I wear it everywhere I go. I hope it helps to know that you are not alone, keep searching for something that makes you happy to take Wyatt with you wherever you go, it will help and I promise that it will get easier, it never goes away, but it will get easier.

Deborah Ann said...

Oh, my dear sweet sister. You are not crazy for wanting to keep your baby boy with you. I lost my son 5 1/2 months into my pregnancy. His name is Alex. They asked me if I wanted to see him...before they...disposed of him. They brought him to me in a metal pan! He should have been lovingly placed on a pillow. I will see him again. My heart goes out to you. If I ever hear of any urns that are precious baby-worthy, I will surely let you know.

You are invited to follow my blog:

www.heavenlyhumor.blogspot.com

It's foolishness, but sometimes it helps to have a good belly laugh, you know? I hope to know you better. In heaven I would like to meet with you and both of our babies that are in God's safe keeping.

Anonymous said...

I kept some of my stepmother's ashes after she died from breast cancer 11 years ago. I've been lovingly laughed at many times by family members who know that I keep the small box of ashes in my fireproof safe. I get the irony, but I was imagining the same thing--mu house burning down and me losing what tangible piece I have left of her!