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Monday, August 31, 2009

Birth Certificate Drama ((UPDATED))

I've been wanting to get Wyatt's birth certificate for a while now, but it's taken me a while to get the courage up to call about it. I wasn't sure if they would tell me I couldn't get one because Wyatt only lived for two minutes,... but I hoped.

After calling my insurance company today and politely asking them how they could overlook my son dying three months ago, I decided it was time to check this off of my "To Do" list as well. I was connected to a very sweet woman, whom we'll just call S. I was scared to hear her answer, but released a huge sigh of relief and happiness when she told me, "it would be no problem", after I sent a certain form into the state. She asked for my information and some of Wyatt's so she could print out the form and mail it to me.

The rest of our conversation took a spiraling nosedive...

"You said he lived for two minutes?" I hear S ask.

"Yes ma'am. 10:03 am to 10:05 am. We didn't think we would get that time with our son, so it was such a blessing for God to give us that tim-".

"Mrs. Finchum, I'm so sorry, but our records list your son as a still birth."

"S, that can't be right. I saw my sons chest rise and fall... The doctor announced that he was alive when she pulled him out of my stomach... My husband was asked to make the heart wrenching decision to give up on trying to save our son... and my husband was holding Wyatt's hand when he took his last breath. He most certaintly was NOT stillborn."

"Mrs. Finchum. I really don't know what to do. I'm so sorry. I will try to figure out a way to get this fixed, but I really don't know if I am going to be able to... And with as busy as we are today, I highly doubt I will be able to get this taken care of today."

If it's not one thing it's another.

I plan on fighting this.

Wyatt had to fight (extremely hard) to stay here for those two minutes. He received numerous injuries from the C-section due to how fragile he was. Although I know he lived those two minutes, I want the world to have to recognize his life here too. Maybe I'm being ambitious when I say the world... but the hospital where Wyatt lived out his entire life, should really have to acknowledge that he lived. Don't you think? I guess I just feel like I've been robbed of the validity of my sons life. I feel like it was ripped away from me in a nine minute phone conversation.

There's no denying, God performed a miracle when Wyatt was born with the breath of life in his body. Where is the justice in a hospital error taking away my documentation of that miracle?

I already feel like the world (except for my household and my bloggy friends) doesn't recognize my son was here. And then I call the hospital and find out they aren't even recognizing his life.

Tomorrow will be three months since Wyatt's passing... just three months.

Just yesterday, And an eternity ago... All at the same time.

God has come through for me every time I've needed him. He's miraculously helped me over implausibly tall mountains and guided me through in-navigable valleys. I have complete faith he will turn this stumbling block into a stepping stone, but it still doesn't take away the sting of the words that fell upon my ears today. However, I am ready for this challenge, because I know I have God on my side.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?"
Romans 8:28-31

I will fight this... I need to fight this. Wyatt fought for me, and he won his fight when I heard my doctor say he was alive... Now, it's my turn to fight for him. I'm going to fight this like his life depends on it. Although he's in heaven, his life does depend on it. Wyatt struggled to be a part of our family here on earth. My family was whole and complete for two minutes. Never again on this side of heaven will it be complete again. I'll never get that time back and I'm not going to sit by and watch somebody try to take it away... The two minutes Wyatt lived will be recognized. He fought too hard to simply be overlooked.

I called my doctor's office and talked to a nurse named Tiffany. She looked over Dr. M's operational report and read off what it said. Apparently, my doctor listed Wyatt as stillborn because he scored a Zero on all of his apgar scores. However, she noted he had a faint heartbeat and appeared to be breathing. How can you note a baby has a heartbeat and still classify them as a stillborn? Isn't that contradictory? This makes absolutely no sense to me...

Tiffany was very sweet and helpful. She told me she would talk to Dr. M when she came in on Wednesday, and do everything she possibly could to get this matter taken care of. Please pray this gets resolved swiftly. I don't want this to get ugly, but I will do whatever I have to in order to have my son's life recognized. Just because he's gone, doesn't mean he's not worth the fight.


Saturday, August 29, 2009

Coincidence or Divine Intervention?

When I opened my mail yesterday, I had two items to open.

The first being a beautiful handkerchief from Deborah Pucci from For Your Tears.

What an amazing gift.

Deborah says on her profile, "I am starting a project from my heart, through God, to catch all the tears that fall". How wonderful is this woman's heart?

And you know what, I received the handkerchief the day before, but left it in the car (unopened) because it was pouring rain, and I had to get both of the kids in the house by myself. We're talking rain that was blowing in sideways... If I didn't feed my children so well, I would have worried about them blowing away it was so dreadful!

When I checked the mail the next day, I got a letter from the insurance company. I figured it was probably telling me I would no longer be eligible for my pregnancy insurance. I've been prepared to get that letter. However, I was in no way prepared to read the words in this letter...

"Dear Mrs. Finchum,

Our records indicate that your pregnancy should have ended... we have not been notified of the date of your child's birth... we need a copy of your child's birth records and social security number so we can make sure your child's health care is not interrupted..."

Are they Serious? How in the world does my insurance company *miss* that my son died? I should NEVER have received a letter like that from them. It's bad enough getting samples of baby laundry detergent, baby formula, and bottles I'll never be able to use in the mail,... but this was too much (and did I mention Joseph was gone again with the Marine's until tonight). I felt so alone.

I cried until I couldn't breathe.

And then I glanced up from the helpless ball I had curled into, and caught a glimpse through my sobs of the handkerchief I opened just minutes before. Of course it was too pretty to mess up, so I did go get a tissue... But I felt peace wash over me when I saw it.

Is it coincidence the handkerchief was left in the car the day before?

Was it by chance that I opened the handkerchief before the ridiculous letter I received from my insurance company?

I think not. Actually, I know better...

God has his hands all over my life. He even sent me a handkerchief through a sweet woman to catch my tears. We really serve a wonderful God.

Now, I just have to figure out how to politely call my insurance company and inform them Wyatt doesn't need "health coverage" because with the perfect little body he has in heaven, he doesn't have to worry about that sort of thing!


Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Confession and Help

I know, two posts in one night... but it really didn't feel right to damper my previous post on Celia's heartfelt gift by this post.

I have some confessing to do.

When I'm done with that, I need your help.

Confession time.

The easiest way to do this, I guess, is to just blurt type out very quickly what I need to tell you. So here it goes...

I carry Wyatt's cremains in my purse with me, everywhere I go.

Go ahead, quick... UN-follow by blog before the craziness rubs off on you, I'll understand! Sometimes, I wish I could find a way to escape from myself... no such luck yet.

Why do I carry cremains around with me, you might ask? That's simple. I feel guilty if I leave Wyatt at home. I feel like he should be with me, just like my other children. I feel like a bad mother for not "taking care" of all my children. I also have an irrational fear of my house burning down while I'm away, and losing every piece of tangible evidence I have that he ever existed. I couldn't image leaving him home one day, my house burning down, and me "losing" my son all over again... So I carry him with me.

{Please let me clarify that I realize It's not really Wyatt that I'm carrying around with me... I know he's in heaven where he belongs. I know his body is just the "shell" he was here in,... but it's all I have of him here.}

I feel, once again, like a crazy woman for carrying Wyatt around in my purse. I've looked into getting a custom urn necklace made, only to be told "their manufacturer's couldn't source alexandrite (Wyatt's birthstone) so they could use Emeralds and I could try to find someone to switch out the stones later"! Are you kidding me? I've been working on designing this necklace for about a month and a half... they even sent me pictures of the wax mold! A little heads up would have been nice.

So, I'm back to square one. I've scoured the internet looking for an urn necklace... and I've found nothing. I've found some necklaces I really liked, but they don't hold cremains...

I want to keep a part of my son with me at all times.
I don't want to be the crazy woman who carries her son's cremains in her purse...

I want to find something that screams Wyatt to me.
I don't want to settle on something I'm just not thrilled with...

Heck, If we're being truthful here...

I want to hold Wyatt.
I don't want to have to buy some stupid necklace to be able to do that.

Unfortunately, we don't always get what we want, do we?

I've found a necklace I'm willing to settle on, but I wanted to come to you first. If there is anyone who knows of a good website or company that sells urn necklaces, please leave me a link or contact information.

For my sanity, I feel like this is something I need to get done. I have been taking big steps lately with holding babies, taking a friend to a prenatal visit, and visiting a friend at the hospital to meet her new baby boy... My next big step is to leave Wyatt at home. I just don't think I'll be able to do it without knowing I still have part of him with me. Any help, even just words of wisdom or suggestions, would be greatly welcomed and appreciated.


God gave me Treasure

God has placed so many wonderful people in my life since I found out Wyatt would not be mine to keep. People I wish I could have met under infinitely happier circumstances. It's bittersweet to think that our babies brought us together, but that they had to die to achieve it.

One of the beautiful women my life has been blessed with is Celia. This sweet lady lost her son Noah Benjamin to anencephaly just three and a half months ago. Her blog Beauty from Pain is such an inspiration to me. Please head over to her blog and meet her beautiful family. Noah was such a handsome little man, I guarantee you will blessed if you take the time to read her families' story.

Celia went to Myrtle Beach this past week with her family, and I was in awe to open an e-mail and find these...

Just when I was feeling like the rest of the world had forgotten him, God reminds me through a treasured new friend that he will never be forgotten by the people who really matter.

Thank you so much Celia for a gesture that means the world to me. Most importantly, thank you for your friendship. I treasure you, and your act of kindness greatly. It's so beautiful to see my son's name written (anywhere) in this world, especially a beach (I'm a true Florida native)! It makes it even more special knowing this beautiful heartfelt gift, came from a heart that is as completely broken as mine. It amazes me how a heart can be so broken yet still contain so much love. I'm honored you chose to share some of that love with me!


Saturday, August 22, 2009

Grief the Thief

Yesterday was a day I wasn't ready for.

I thought I had more time to prepare.

I wish Joseph were here to hug me. I really need his arms around me right now.

I wish I could just be happy without feeling my heart break all over again for my sweet Wyatt. Because I am happy. I'm thrilled.

Oh, how I wish Wyatt could have been with me yesterday... everything would have been perfect. I wouldn't have been so aware of what I'm missing out on.

You may be wondering what in the world I'm going on about...

One of my dear friends gave birth to her son R Wednesday morning, and I made my first trip to the hospital to see a baby since Wyatt's birth. R was born 3 weeks early, so I didn't even think about having to make this big step by myself (R is doing wonderfully even though he made his entrance early, thank God).

Joseph called me and told me R was born, and I was flooded with "Oh, I'm so happy for K and P!", and "Oh my Lord, I have to go visit them by myself, how am I going to get through this?"

I sat out in the parking lot taking my time to get up to their room, all the while giving myself a pep talk. "You're not going to cry. Focus on how happy you are for them. You're not going to cry. You can do this. You're not going to cry. You're not going to cry. If you can handle giving your son over to someone knowing you will never see him again, this will be a piece of cake! You're not going to cry. You're not going to cry. You're not going to cry."

I cried.

As soon as K put baby R in my arms I lost it. It was his chin. He had the cleft in his chin like my Wyatt did.

I felt so stupid.

I was so mad at myself. Remember, I wasn't going to cry...

I didn't want to let my grief damper the joy of the wonderful blessing they were given. I am so incredibly happy for them, but I wish my happiness for them is all I could feel.

This stupid grief.

How I hate my grief.

An unwelcome, unwanted thief.

How I resent it for robbing me of my joy... especially when it's on such a wonderful occasion as this.

But, I made it through.

I can only image it will get easier from here. Sure, I'll probably still cry sometimes when I hold him, but it's not because I'm not happy. I just miss Wyatt. I always will.

But, it sure was nice to have the emptiness in my arms filled, even if only for an hour.


Thursday, August 20, 2009

Bereaved Parents Wish List (UPDATED)

I just found this and I'm not quite sure who to give the credit to for writing it. However,it is simply too good not to post. I found it here. ((Update)) Thank you to 4LJY for helping me find who to give credit to for this great wish list! I posted the copyright at the bottom of my post :)

Wish List for Bereaved Parents

I wish my child hadn't died, I wish I had him back.

I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief, I thank you for both.

I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, or other remembrances from your home.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me, I need you now more than ever.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

I know you might pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card, note, or a real big hug.

I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in a short period of time. I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die. Grief is a life long process.

I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

I don't want to have a "pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

When I say "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice, however, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

I wish very much that you could understand - understand my loss and grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain.

....BUT…I pray daily that you will NEVER understand.

Copyright © 2008 - 2009 Compassionate Friends


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Two of my Sunbeams

Our house is so quiet without Joseph being here. I really miss him. I think I have a harder time having "good days" while he's gone... I really lean on him for strength. Besides Christ, Joseph is my rock. He truly is my best friend, and I don't feel complete when he isn't near me. I feel like the best part of me is missing when he's away. Honey, if your reading this, I love you and can't wait until your safely home again...

Of course I've had the kids here to drive me crazy keep me entertained! We've had some fun Mommy and Munchkin time once we got past the arguing over who gets the blue crayon (even though there are 3 more blue crayons just like it), or my children's innate ability to want to play with the same toy as the other at the same time... It's not just me, right?

Last week, I got to go up to Ansley's school and do class pictures for her class. Her school is permanently closing down this Friday (much to my dismay), so I volunteered to do pictures for all of the classes. It was a challenge, but a wonderful blessing.

Ansley wasn't too thrilled to have to "share" me with her classmates, but her mood did a complete 180 when I got to pull out the cupcakes I made the night before for her big pizza party! (She wanted to eat them for breakfast and was less than happy with me when I told her no!)

MMMmmm! Don't they look yummy? And yes, I made them myself! Just call me Betty Crocker! HeHe.

Of course, I took Mr. Eli with me since Joseph is away and the pictures were a "last minute" idea. He played in the Toddler class while I did everyone's class pictures, but he was able to join everybody at the pizza party. Wouldn't you just know, Mr. Charming found himself a girlfriend in the first 5 minutes of walking into the room!

Of course, Joseph's reply will be "That's MY boy!"

Speaking of school... Ansley's class made masks' today. She made a tiger mask, so this is what I saw when I walked through her classroom door to pick her up...

Talk about an unexpected blessing! Of course her jumping up and down and giving me her biggest"RRROOOOAAARRRRRR" was an added bonus! And you know Eli had to try the mask on too...

We were able to make it to the park this past weekend as well. I needed to get out of this house for a little while, and I was so socially deprived I found the courage to attempt taking my two energizer bunnies to the park by myself. I love being a stay at home mom, but boy do I miss adult conversation. Anyhow, some crisp, clean, fresh air seemed like just the ticket to end my case of stir crazy-itis (that's a disease, right?)

Ansley had a blast! She raced everywhere...

And Eli,... Well, I guess even the energizer bunny needs to recharge sometimes!

My sweet little Ansley, God love her, has even found a way to make doing laundry interesting for me since the discovery of pockets! She collects the strangest things. I'm scared I'm going to pull something slimy or alive out, but so far I've been lucky. This is all I've pulled out so far...

I feel like I've been talking about Ansley and awful lot, so I'll start wrapping up with this cute little picture of Mr. Eli...

I know I'm skipping around here a bit, so I apologize. My mind is in a million different places tonight, but I really wanted to share another "things I have to be thankful for" post. I could go on and on about how much I miss Joseph, or about how much harder it's been to deal with my grief these past few weeks... but I'm not. I'm just going to say that in spite of dark road I've been walking, God has blessed me with rays of sunshine to light my path, and for that, I am so incredibly thankful! I hope you enjoyed the pictures of two of my brightest sunbeams!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I probably shouldn't have

I was walking out of the grocery store with Ansley and Eli when my eyes about popped out of my head! I could feel the rage bubbling up, just threatening to erupt in a nasty display that was sure to make me look like a complete lunatic.

One of the grocery stores employees AND some other guy were standing around smoking. Did I mention they were doing this while standing around chit chatting with a woman who was very noticeably pregnant? What were they thinking? Wait, Let me answer that, they weren't thinking!

I thought it best to just walk away. I didn't want to make a scene, especially while my children were with me, so I B-lined it to the car with my hand over my mouth...

As I loaded my munchkins in the car, I kept thinking ,"If I were pregnant, wouldn't I tell someone they needed to put out the cigarette around my baby?" Well of course I would. So why wasn't that woman speaking up for her baby? After all, a mother is the voice of her child when they have no voice. That baby needed a voice, and if it couldn't rely on it's mother, I would be it's voice.

I was thinking about the most tactful way to say something, as I pulled my car around to where they were standing. As I approached them, I apologized for interrupting and for the way I might come across. I proceeded to pull out my wallet, and showed them a picture of my sweet Wyatt... I didn't say a word to them, and waited for them to ask what this was all about. The employee of the grocery store finally piped up and said, "What am I supposed to be looking at?"

There was my window... "I'm so glad you asked", I replied. " This is a picture of my son Wyatt. He was born two months ago, but he died. I did EVERYTHING right, but he still died. Please, I don't care if you smoke around this woman, but don't do it around her baby." I really wanted to convey that a baby can die even when everything is done perfectly, so smoking around a woman while her baby is developing is less than ideal.

I kind of felt bad for the two guys, because they really didn't know what to say. They immediately jumped (yes, they jumped) away from the pregnant woman and said it wouldn't happen again :) My job here was done,... or was it?

The woman that was so very pregnant, actually had the nerve to tell me "it wasn't a big deal"!
Excuse me? The fact that you so obviously don't care about the well being of your child isn't a big deal? The fact that hopefully your baby ( You know, the one you don't seem to care about) will be born perfectly healthy, and that my baby (my son who I protected for 5 months after receiving a fatal diagnosis) died, isn't a big deal? I really didn't know what to say to that...

After a moment to digest the words she just said, I calmly told her it was a big deal. I informed her that her unborn baby did not have a voice, and as it's mother she needed to speak up on it's behalf. As a mother, it was her job to protect her baby. I told her that I didn't even allow people to smoke around me while I was pregnant with my son, even after I found out he was going to die.

I don't think I got through to her. She just stared at me like my hair was on fire, and with as mad as I was, I wouldn't be surprised if it actually was! But I did make an impression on the guys, and I'm thankful for that. Maybe they really won't smoke around a pregnant woman again... Maybe, just maybe, they might even ask someone else to quit smoking around a pregnant woman or baby.

Wyatt really opened up my eyes (and apparently my mouth) during his short little life here. I would have NEVER done something like that before. Sure I would have been upset to witness such carelessness and irresponsibility, but not enough to move me to action. Maybe I went overboard, but I did what I felt like I needed to do. That baby wasn't mine,... but on this day, I was able to give it a voice. It feels good that I was able to do that, but it's heartbreaking to think a stranger had to do it instead of it's own mother. I mean, come on, a stranger cared more about the well being of that woman's baby, than she did. I don't think I'll ever get over the idea of parents getting healthy babies when they could really care less. It just stinks.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

The Heart

I hope you don't mind when I do this...

I was sent and email by a good friend, and it really touched my heart. It reminds me, that although my sweet baby boy wasn't meant to stay here long, he was meant to fulfill a very important purpose. I don't know if anyone actually found Jesus because of my son, but I know he brought a lot of people much closer to God in their daily walks with him... How many of us can say we've achieved such a feat in the many years we've been walking this earth? I hope you walk away from this story blessed :)

The Heart

"Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began,
"I'll open up your heart..."

"You'll find Jesus there," the boy

the surgeon looked up, annoyed "I'll
cut your heart open," he continued,
to see how much damage has been

"but when you open up my heart, you'll
find Jesus in there," said the boy.

The surgeon looked to the parents, who
Sat quietly. "When I see how much
damage has been done, I'll sew your
heart and chest back up, and I'll plan
what to do next."

"But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The
Bible says He lives there. The
hymns all say He lives there. You'll
find Him in my heart."

The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell
you what I'll find in your heart.
I'll find damaged muscle, low blood
supply, and weakened vessels.
And I'll find out if I can make you well."

"You'll find Jesus there too. He lives

The surgeon left.

The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery,
"...damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle
No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy:
painkillers and bed rest. Prognosis:
here he paused, "death within one year."

He stopped the recorder, but there was
more to be said. "Why?" he asked aloud.
"Why did You do this? You've put
him here; You've put him in this pain; and You've cursed him to an
early death. Why?"

The Lord answered and said, "The boy,
my lamb, was not meant for your
flock for long, for he is a part of My
flock, and will forever be.
Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain, and will be comforted as you
cannot imagine.

His parents will one day join him here,
and they will know peace, and
My flock will continue to grow.."

The surgeon's tears were hot, but his
anger was hotter. "You created that
boy, and You created that heart. He'll
be dead in months. Why?"

The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb,
shall return to My flock, for He has
done his duty: I did not put My lamb
with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost lamb."
The surgeon wept...
The surgeon sat
beside the boy's bed; the boy's
parents sat across from him. The boy awoke and whispered, "Did you cut
my heart?"

"Yes," said the surgeon.
"What did you find?" asked the boy.

"I found Jesus there," said the

Author Unknown

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Walking with You, with a twist!

Kelly, of The Beauty of Sufficient Grace Ministries, has created Walking With You. It's a place where we go to talk about different topics each week that have affected how we grieve the loss of our children. I am new to this, as this will be my first post with them, but I just couldn't let this topic pass me by...

This week's topic is the things that people say. As there are already so many wonderful posts on the no-no's people say to us either during the pregnancies where we were carrying our sweet babies to term, or after our baby has passed, I would like to focus on something different... The things people DON'T say.

Yes, I heard more than my fair share of insensitive or hurtful comments, but I could get over those. After Wyatt's diagnosis, People started treating me like I wasn't even pregnant anymore! It still bothers me because I feel like I was cheated out of the pregnancy I deserved with Wyatt. Shouldn't my pregnancy with my son be MORE special since it was all I would get with him? I thought so, but apparently, most people didn't.

It hurt down to my soul when people would ignore my son, or the fact that I was even carrying him inside of me.

It hurt to have people "write him off" before he was even gone.

It hurt when people didn't ask if I was feeling Wyatt kick.

It hurt when people didn't ask to touch my belly so they could feel my son move.

It hurt that people avoided asking me how our doctor appointments went.

It hurt when I was asked to help move a heavy object,... so heavy in fact, that a pregnant woman had no business moving it.

It hurts that I never received a gift for Wyatt during my pregnancy. It would have been such a nice gesture... Something as simple as a blanket or a hat to use after he was born. But instead, people didn't see the point. OUCH!

It hurts that I got "sorry for your loss" cards instead of "It's a Boy!" cards.

It hurt when people would visit me in the hospital after Wyatt was born, and not even come over to look at him.

It hurt when people avoided looking at him during his viewing or funeral.

And it STILL HURTS to think that people avoided my son... my pregnancy... the only time any of us would EVER get with him... while he was STILL HERE.

Yes, words can hurt. They can hurt us very deeply,... but I find the words left unsaid, and the actions left undone are what hurt more than anything.


Faith and Trust

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

How many times have we heard (or read) that verse? I think I've heard that verse just about as much as my own name! But do we hear it so much, that we just brush it aside and think, "Yeah, yeah. I've heard that a million times already"? Well, maybe there's a reason we hear it so much. That one, short verse is filled with a plethora of truth and wisdom.

I've talked written in previous posts about how I had learned my lesson on the topics of faith and trust, and how I wished God would stop teaching them to me already...

But have I really learned my lesson?

Of course I trust God. I know he has an "ultimate plan", and that everything he lets happen to us, aides in his grand scheme of things... But how well do I trust God? I wouldn't be completely honest, if I didn't tell you my trust was shaken when he allowed Wyatt to receive such a horrible diagnosis. My trust in him wavered when Joseph came back holding Wyatt and telling me "He was gone". It's hard to trust God with your whole heart, when the plan he has for your life doesn't fall into the realm (anywhere near it, for that matter) of what you had planned.

But I guess that is where faith comes in. Trust and faith fit together like a glove. When our trust is shaken, we have to fall back on our faith in God's plan for our lives.

Hebrews 11:1 says: "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

I'm finding that you can't have complete trust in God, without having faith in him too. Now, I'm not even saying complete faith in him... you just have to work with what you've got, pray for God to renew your faith, and remember that we serve a BIG God that can do anything!

After all, Matthew 17:20 says: "...If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you." Did you hear that? Faith as small as a mustard seed, can MOVE MOUNTAINS! That really puts my personal faith in perspective...

Although I may not understand what God's doing in my life, or maybe even why he's doing it, I am able to lay back and say, "Lord, I gave my life to you... that includes every aspect of my life. Myself, my husband, our children, our finances, our health, and so on. I trust you know what is best for our life, and how we can best bring you glory... do your will, and I will accept the path you direct us to".

Does this mean it's easy to let go? No.

Does this mean I'll never struggle with my faith or trust in God? I wish.

It's easy to give yourself over to God, but it's a completely different story when you're talking about your husband or your children! My faith, small as it may be, is what allows me to trust God so completely that I can place the lives of my loved ones in his hands. Even when our family is enduring circumstances that are far from desirable, I know God will take care of us....he always has. I guess faith and trust are lessons we will continue to learn the rest of our lives. The lessons may not always be fun, but I guarantee you they will be exactly what God ordered.

Although this blog was started as a way to document our time with Wyatt and to introduce him to the world in hopes of helping others, it's really so much more than that. It's about our journey as we learn (very slowly) how to let God have complete authority over our family. It's about laying down the desires of our hearts, and carrying out the desires of God. It's about letting go, even when it rips our hearts out. Plainly and simply, It's about Letting Go and Letting God.


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Perfectly Broken

A sweet little child
at a party one day,
when toys were being given away,
discovered a broken one,
and with a smile, said:
"I'll take it.
You see, I know my Daddy
can fix anything,
and soon it will be
good as new."

And once, perhaps, in heaven one day
when bodies were being given away,
a sweet little child
discovered a broken one,
and with a smile, said"
"I'll take it.
You see, I know my Father
can fix anything,
and someday it will be
good as new."

Now we, in all our deepest grief -
in searching for that sweet relief -
are clinging to that hopeful knowledge, too.

(by: Serena DeGiulio)

We so lovingly call Wyatt our "Little Warrior"... which is what his name actually means... His spirit was strong, but his body was perfectly broken. I'd like to think Wyatt chose to come to earth in his perfectly broken body, because he knew his heavenly father could fix it!

The Love Jar

As many of you know, my dear husband is away playing G.I. Joe again. We still have a couple weeks before he comes home, and our entire household is counting down the days until he is back under our roof where he belongs.

Before Joseph left, we recorded him talking to the children with our video camera. He read them a couple of stories, sang them songs, and told them how much he loved them. I made it into a movie for the children to watch whenever they miss their daddy. Let me tell you, this video is far more popular than Veggie Tales or Dora could have ever dreamed of being,... who would have thought! Ansley and Eli watch the video with daddy over, and over, and over again. Seriously, I love my husband dearly, but I'm sick of watching the video already!

With that being said...

My favorite part of "Daddy's DBD", as Ansley calls it, is when Joseph leaves his hugs and kisses in the "love jar" for them. He told the children that daddy was putting all of his hugs and kisses in the jar, and anytime they wanted some of daddy's love, all they had to do was ask mommy for a kiss for daddy.
(Mr. El E. Phant is guarding the kisses as they are only meant for Ansley and Eli...)

When it's time for daddy's kisses, I take the jar off of the top of the refrigerator, and carefully scoop out a kiss from daddy. Per Ansley's order's, I have to "rub daddy's kiss in real good so it won't fall off"... she is such a riot!

Ansley and Eli both squeal with delight as they receive love from their father. The jar we use is an old sugar jar. It may look empty at first glance, but our family knows is overflowing with love... love that will never run out, regardless of how many hugs and kisses are taken out of it each day.
(The Munchkins posing with Wyatt's elephant, the love jar, half eaten ice cream cones, and dirty faces!)

As Christians, isn't it wonderful to know that God has a love jar meant for each and every one of us? He puts into our jars exactly what we need, whether it's love, comfort, forgiveness, strength... All we have to do is ask for it and it's there. It's wonderful to serve a God who cares about what we need, and has it ready for us before we even have to ask him. I am so thankful God's love jars for us, never run out... Lord knows I've taken out more than my fair share of God's blessings!

Friday, August 7, 2009

Drowning with a smile on my face

Yesterday was one of those days where I felt like I was drowning. You couldn't tell by looking at me. I looked like I normally look on any other day. As a matter of fact, people who don't really know much about me or what has happened in my life over the last couple of months, would have no idea I've endured the greatest heartbreak of my life.

It struck me as being very odd when all of the employees at the gym where I go to workout, started calling me "sunshine". Apparently, I always have a smile on my face or something nice to say... I think they must have me confused with someone else, because I certainty don't feel like the woman they see everyday...

The best way I can describe these past few months might not make very much sense, but I will try my best.

I feel like I have been drowning with a smile on my face. Your probably asking how that is even possible, right? Well, it's a good question. And to answer you,... I have no idea! I just know that is what it feels like to put on my happy face each day.

I have days where relentless waves of despair crash against my tired body. I hang on for dear life and try not to be dragged into the whirlpool of hopelessness that is threatening to devour me. On these days, I am so weak... so exhausted from just trying to keep my head above water. There have even been times where I've lost my grip and thought to myself, "This is it. Lord, I'll never get out of this storm." But I did. God was there when I couldn't tread the water any longer. He's always been there on these days to sustain my weak, aching body. These days are becoming fewer and further between, but I dread it when these days find their way back into my life.

I have other days where I just feel like I'm floating. I'm here physically, but mentally, I am letting this robotic version of myself carry out the tasks I'm supposed to do throughout the day. After I've had a couple of these days in a row, I find that I'll look around and say ,"Did another week go by already?" or "When did my children learn how to do that?".

I'm learning how to force myself out of those days... Just because I won't get to witness all the "firsts" that Wyatt should be here doing, doesn't mean I have to miss out on the accomplishments of my other children. If anything, I've learned how precious each second I get with my children, actually is. I don't want to float my way out of the hurt and heartache I'm dealing with... It may be the easier thing to do, but I would be shortchanging not only myself, but my children (all three of them), my husband, and God.

And then I have the days where I'm only having to wade through the grief of living here without Wyatt. These are the days where I can actually think about Wyatt and smile. I can be joyful for the time I got with him, instead of being consumed by the ache in my heart for my son to be here, sharing a life with our family... On these days, I'm not being swallowed by a raging sea, and I'm lucid enough to breathe in the beauty of what God did through the amazing life of my son. Yes, there is still a deep longing for Wyatt to be here, and yes, it still hurts... but on these days, I am able to be truly thankful that God chose to spare my son of the pain and sufferings of this world. These days are cherished, as I have only experienced a few. But I imagine, as time goes on, my life will be filled with more days like this.

Looking at me from the outside, you would never be able to tell which of these days I'm having. Whether it's one of those days where I'm completely consumed by my grief, or where I'm floating by because I'm too weak to do anything else, I'll probably have a smile on my face. I'll probably laugh at your jokes. I'll probably even remember our last conversation together, and ask you about what is going on in your life. But I'll never get over the loss of my son. I will think of him until the day I take my last breathe on this earth. As a matter of fact, I will probably spend the rest of my life trying not to drown... But I am able to do it with a smile on my face because I know God will never let me.


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

My Little Black Rain Cloud

I feel like all I have been doing here lately is complain. I imagine you must be getting pretty sick of reading my posts as I moan and grip about this, that, and the other. To tell you the truth, I'm pretty sick of myself too. I'm being so negative, and worst of all, I'm letting circumstances rob me of my joy. I am going to do my best to try and ignore the little black cloud that is following me around and focus on all the reasons I have to be thankful for...

Like the time I went to check on the children because I heard them laughing hysterically... I held my breath as I peered around the corner, because I can just imagine the mess they must have made. Seriously, the more fun a child has = the bigger the mess... Right?

Actually, this is what I found! They thought they were IT! They were sitting in their "princess throne's". And yes, I tried explaining to Ansley that Eli would be a prince... She quickly informed me that, "No, Eli's not a prince mommy. He's a pretty princess. You're silly mommy!"

And then, they decide they want lunch... On their thrones! So that is what their majesties received!

Or how about Ansley telling me that "Mommy's glasses are cool" as she sports her new look for the camera.

How about the fact that I am so incredibly blessed with a husband I love with all my heart. I don't have to wonder if he loves me, and I most certainty don't have to wonder how he feels about our children... Just take a look at this picture.

And my children LOVE LOVE LOVE their daddy. They sleep with his picture when he is away with the Marine Corps.

How about the time I found Eli watching Veggie Tales with his teddy bear and hippo. They all looked like they were having a grand ol' time!

And, I love being able to see the sparkle of delight in the eyes of my children.

I love that I can bribe my son to stay on his potty seat with a lollipop and a bottle of water.

I think it's adorable when Eli gets messy and tries to unsuccessfully clean himself up. He always manages to wipe the only clean area he has left on his body!

What about the day when I just couldn't get Eli to take a nap because he wasn't tired... and then found this when I came back to clean up his plate!

And you can't forget about all the times I've caught the kids doing something they knew they weren't supposed to be doing... Eli looks REAL concerned about getting caught, doesn't he?!

I really have so much to be thankful for.

I don't need to say how much I wish I had pictures to share with you of things Wyatt is here doing... Although physically, he isn't in any of the pictures, we carry him in our hearts everywhere we go. He is still a part of everything we do... Ansley still talks about her baby brother, and joyfully announces that her baby Wyatt is in heaven! I can't tell you how comforting it is to hear the certainty in her voice. She knows beyond a shadow of a doubt where her baby brother is... we all do.

So there you have it. Just a couple of quick, random events from the last week or so that made me smile. I am so thankful for every member of my family, and I will make it a point to share more moments with you in the near future. There is always something exciting happening in our household. In the meantime, I will be ignoring my little black rain cloud in hopes that it will get bored from lack of attention and go elsewhere... I'm done letting things I have no control over, ruin my life... Really, I have so much more to be thankful for if I only open my eyes and see.