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Sunday, May 16, 2010

This Was All I Got

I've been staring at the clock all morning...

I woke up this morning and knew today was that day in my pregnancy.

It is now 10:03 in the morning and I am 33 seeks and 2 days pregnant. This is the day and the exact moment in my pregnancy with Wyatt that I met him for the first time. This is the time in my pregnancy with him that I whispered "hello my sweet baby boy" and "I'll miss you until I reach forever too".

By the time I even finish writing this sentence, Wyatt would have been born, he would have lived his entire life, and he would have died and entered into his eternal home in heaven.

I was allowed to carry Wyatt for 232 days plus a couple of hours and then he was just gone.

Reaching this milestone in my pregnancy with Seth should be reassuring, but I just feel robbed. I'm officially further along with Seth than I ever made it with Wyatt and it's a sickening feeling to think of the extras weeks, days, hours, or even seconds I could have experienced with Wyatt but wasn't able to.

It's strange to think that I've held a baby that was this far along. I can still feel how tiny and sweet Wyatt was in my arms and my arms ache to hold him today. It feels like a cruel joke that I am only 16 days further along with Seth than I was this time last year with Wyatt. Not only do I have this milestone to make it through today, but I have Wyatt's first birthday in 16 short days.

16 days...

And I'll be watching the clock once more as the seconds tick closer and closer to the end of Wyatt's life... again.

I am both heartbroken and thankful today. Heartbroken to think about a son a so dearly missed and thankful for another son that is still safely growing within my stomach. I didn't know it was possible to feel such a range of emotions all at the same time.

Lord, thank you for blessing me with Wyatt for as long as you did. Even though today is a very painful day for me, I realize Wyatt lived every single second he was meant to, and I hope I can find comfort in that today as I reflect upon his life. Thank you for letting me be a mother to Wyatt for the 232 days he was here. Thank you for the love that tiny little miracle brought into my life. The heartache of losing him makes the love we shared that much more special. Give Wyatt a big hug for me today and let him know that his mommy loves him more than words and misses him beyond all measure.

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13 comments:

Henninger Family said...

Praying for you today, the next 16 days, and the following. I felt the same way when I reached 30 weeks with BG - passing Hudson's milestone. It is always so bittersweet and full of mised emotions.

Elizabeth said...

It's so hard to think of what we are sharing with our earthly children that we will never get the chance to share with our heavenly children. My Nikola is officially older than Connor was when he passed. Now I have all the milestones to go through with him that Connor never got the chance to show me first. Its just unfair sometimes but at the same time a miracle blessing in the children who are with us still. *hugs*

Ashley D said...

Oh this post gave me tears, and I bet I will have a similar post at 26 +1 if I make it to there.

I think about you all the time and little Wyatt too. Take care and keeo trucking, few more weeks until Seth. Bittersweet, huh?

Lots of love

crystal theresa said...

big hugs to you Danielle. I hope you feel God's comfort especially today and as Wyatt's birthday approaches.

Franchesca said...

I'm so sorry Danielle. I know all too well those range of emotions, and it does feel like a cruel joke. Praying for you and hoping you find peace that passes all understanding that will carry you through these next few days and weeks. Sending many (((HUGS)))

Betty said...

My thoughts are with you. (((Hugs)))

Kristi said...

Praying for you today, on such a tough one. Hugs for you and your family.

Holly said...

((hug))

I wish you could've had more time with Wyatt in your belly.

Sarita Boyette said...

Wyatt touched so many lives in his 2 minutes here on Earth - I know he touched mine. Thank you for sharing Wyatt with us all these months. My prayers are with you all.

Brittany Barden said...

My prayers are with you, Danielle.

With Out My Punkin said...

(( hugs)) thinking of you and your sweet Wyatt.

The Blue Sparrow said...

(((HUGS)))

Minnie said...

Sending prayers of comfort to you and your family.