Thursday, January 7, 2010
I am so mad tonight I swear my head could spin completely around! I was going to do a sweet post on how I was 15 weeks pregnant and blah, blah, blah... In my attempt to write this post I googled images of 15 week old fetuses. I found a few images to use, but as I was skimming through the images, I came across a baby that looked like a less developed Wyatt!
I've been questioning Wyatt's diagnosis of Thanatophoric dysplasia since he was born. He just didn't look like a TD baby to me. It was clear he had some sort of a dysplasia, but the exact condition eluded me. I consigned myself to accept the diagnosis doctors had given me and move on... until tonight.
Wyatt had a condition called Achondrogenesis. I am 100% convinced after skimming through all the information compared to Wyatt's over the last couple of hours. The images of these baby's compared to what Wyatt looked like was uncanny... Not to mention the medical history. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by posting those images on here, but for those of you who would like to compare images of babies with this condition to Wyatt's appearance... you can find them by simply googling images of "Achondrogenesis baby".
So why am I so upset?
The result was still the same... Wyatt died no matter what his real diagnosis was, right?
Well yes. However, having this diagnosis over TD really changes things for our family.
For instance, TD is a spontaneous genetic mutation that can hit anyone without prejudice. But not Achondrogenesis! No, Achondrogenesis is inherited. We went from having a 1 in over hundreds of thousands chance of having a baby with this condition, to having a 1 in 4. And not only that, this wonderful little gene has been passed down to my living children and could very well cause them to have a baby with the same condition as Wyatt.
Can I just say I feel terrible. I know I really have no control over what genes I pass down to my baby... but this means I did that to Wyatt. It was something that was wrong with me that I, in turn, gave to my baby. I'm really feeling like a failure right now. I feel like I let Wyatt down. I feel like I let my living children down because I'm giving this burden to them when they decide to start a family. I feel so guilty!
At the same time I'm furious. Why didn't doctors take the time to diagnosis Wyatt correctly? I even asked if his diagnosis was correct because he didn't look like a normal TD baby. But no, doctors are never wrong, are they?!?!
I've gone from knowing everything I possibly could about the condition that took my sons life, to knowing absolutely nothing in the click of my mouse on a familiar looking picture. A years worth of pouring through information on TD... getting excited when they found where the mutation of this gene occurred... it all seems so wasted.
Again, I know either way, my son is still gone. It just makes my life seem that much more uncertain and unstable. I feel like my worlds been shaken up when I really just need it to settle down and start taking root again. Will you please say a little prayer for me? I really need God to give me some peace and security tonight.