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Sunday, January 17, 2010

Rough Day

I started off my day extremely excited. Do you remember the feeling you used to get the night you were going to bed with anticipation that when you woke up it would be your birthday? That was the same feeling I had last night. I haven't seen my real church family in what feels like forever. This is the church I grew up in, taught my first class of first and second graders, worked with the youth group, sang in the choir, met and married my husband, you name it and I've probably done it in this church. Plus, both mine and Joseph's family attend this church. It feels like home. I've been very home sick and couldn't wait to step foot in those doors again.

I never took the time to consider that seeing my church family would be hard. As I walked through the doors of our small, white steepled church, I felt very alone. I felt incomplete and I was very aware of the fact that Wyatt was not in my arms where he should have been. After the first couple of hugs and "It's so good to see you's", I was on the verge of tears.

"Okay, you can handle this", I said to myself, "when are you not on the verge of tears these days? You've gotten very good at concealing them with a smile... step up and do that now!"

As I was silently composing myself, my eyes caught sight of something that knocked the air out of my chest. I felt like someone hit me in the gut as hard as they humanly could...

A friend of mine had given birth to another baby since we'd last seen them. I didn't even have any idea that she was pregnant. We had Eli and her little girl within months of each other, and here she is with a baby boy in a carrier that looked awfully close to the age Wyatt should have been had he lived. This new little boy was also her third child...

I practically ran out of the church. I would have left, but I was in such a hurry to get away, that I didn't take the time to get the keys from Joseph. I went into the bathroom and slumped into a crying heap on the floor. That's the family I'm supposed to have! God, it's so unfair I screamed toward the sky. To make matters worse, as hard as I tried to compose myself, the worse I got. I could not stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. My grandma ended up finding me and she just sat on the floor and hugged me while I cried. She didn't try to say anything to make me feel better, but with a simple hug, she let me know she loved me and was there. She ended up taking me back to her house and had Joseph come pick me up when the service was over. I was very thankful to get away from that place!

As I sit here and type this post, I am very disappointed in myself. I should be doing so much better than weeping in a bathroom because I miss Wyatt. I'm glad we will be here for a longer visit than normal, because that means I have another chance to try church on Wednesday. I am determined to make it through the service. I want to do better. I don't want to spend the rest of my life running away and crying. I want to be able to be excited about something and not have to worry about falling apart unexpectedly! Today was definitely not the day I had envisioned but I have hope Wednesday night service will be much better.

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15 comments:

Franchesca Cox said...

I think the first time is always hard to the core. There were seven other women preggo with me and each one had their babies... safe and sound within days/weeks/months of my due date. And each time I see them with their babies it stings, but I have to say it does get easier with time. Don't be too hard on yourself, we all have these moments where we think we should be doing better. I hope and pray Wednesday night God gives you strength to make it through. Lots of love

Ashley & Chris said...

Tons of hugs. I probably, well KNOW I would have done the same thing. I think most my struggles are ones seeing friends have the family we should be enjoying right now. Happy for them yet so sad for us.

I hope Wed goes easier for you.
Thoughts & Prayers,
Ashley

croleyc69 said...

I'm praying that you will have a better day on Wednesday. It has to be very tough and I'm praying that everyday will get better for you. Sending you {{HUGS}}
Caroline

House of Collinsworth said...

I'm so sorry! It actually makes me feel much better that I'm not alone in this. I went to my best friend's baby shower on Saturday and one of her friends had a newborn baby boy that everyone was cooing over. I ran to the bathroom and did the same thing...just fell in a puddle of tears. I got so mad at myself and had to compose myself because it was my friend's baby shower. The whole thing was just overwhelming. Just know that it's normal and it's ok that we feel what we feel. Love you and praying you have a good time on the rest of your visit.

Nati @ I will praise Him said...

Danielle, I wish I knew exactly what to tell you to make it all better. But I don't.

But while I was trying to go to sleep last night, I thought about you and prayed for you. And one thought came to my mind.

When all of this with Wyatt happened, you could've turned your back on God. But you didn't. You're holding on to Him. There are days when you get mad at God. But that's okay. He understands. Just like your grandma! He understands and sometimes He doesn't say anything to make you feel better. Just know that He is there and that He loves you!

Praying for you that on Wednesday, you can truly enjoy the service at "your" church!

Kristin said...

Praying for you. Your feelings are completely normal and I am just so blessed by your continued faith in God even as you have struggled. You are an inspriation to others. May God bless you this week!

The Blue Sparrow said...

Big Big Hugs! I hope the next service goes smoothly for you! Isnt it funny how months out our greif is still so unpredictable? I'm still taken off gaurd sometimes with it. I'll be praying you through my friend!

We can do all things through Christ who strenthens us! ~Philippians 4:13~

Tiffany said...

Awww you poor thing. I have no idea what it's like to deal with that. But, I think that you facing your friend with a babe in her arms was a test. You didn't fail though, it lets you know that you weren't ready. I'm glad that you aren't giving up and hoping to make it through the Wednesday service. I am sending hugs and faith your way. ~Always praying for your family.

Charlotte Ann said...

I left you a little something on my Blog!

Missing Kasey said...

Don't be too hard on yourself! You are putting yourself in situations that you have not been in, the grieving process is not a step by step process, I know you know that. I hope that Wed goes better. ((hugs))

Nicolle

Mary said...

Dear sweet Danielle I am sorry to hear that you had a hard time. It should feel comforting to walk into church. Those unexpected moments suck. I am sure that the pregnancy hormones are not helping.

Holly said...

(((hug)))

I can understand how this was hard. It's the church that you spent many years of your life in. I know it would have been difficult for me too and I'm sure others would say the same! I will say a prayer for you for Wed.

crystal theresa said...

((hugs)). i'm so sorry that it was an unexpectedly rough day for you. i've found that these "surprises" feel more like being "ambushed." if i know someone is pregnant or just had a baby, or that they will be preggos/babies where i'm going, i feel more prepared. when i'm not, it feels like getting socked in the gut. i hope tomorrow's service is better for you, and that He carries you through with His strength, peace, and comfort.

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Kristy said...

You shouldn't be dissapointed in yourself at all. Your feelings and emotions are so normal. Going back to a place that holds so many memories of when life was "perfect" is hard. This journey isn't easy, as you already know. But you were brave and took a huge step. I hope the rest of your trip is going well, full of lots of smiles and much love. xo