Sunday, January 17, 2010
I started off my day extremely excited. Do you remember the feeling you used to get the night you were going to bed with anticipation that when you woke up it would be your birthday? That was the same feeling I had last night. I haven't seen my real church family in what feels like forever. This is the church I grew up in, taught my first class of first and second graders, worked with the youth group, sang in the choir, met and married my husband, you name it and I've probably done it in this church. Plus, both mine and Joseph's family attend this church. It feels like home. I've been very home sick and couldn't wait to step foot in those doors again.
I never took the time to consider that seeing my church family would be hard. As I walked through the doors of our small, white steepled church, I felt very alone. I felt incomplete and I was very aware of the fact that Wyatt was not in my arms where he should have been. After the first couple of hugs and "It's so good to see you's", I was on the verge of tears.
"Okay, you can handle this", I said to myself, "when are you not on the verge of tears these days? You've gotten very good at concealing them with a smile... step up and do that now!"
As I was silently composing myself, my eyes caught sight of something that knocked the air out of my chest. I felt like someone hit me in the gut as hard as they humanly could...
A friend of mine had given birth to another baby since we'd last seen them. I didn't even have any idea that she was pregnant. We had Eli and her little girl within months of each other, and here she is with a baby boy in a carrier that looked awfully close to the age Wyatt should have been had he lived. This new little boy was also her third child...
I practically ran out of the church. I would have left, but I was in such a hurry to get away, that I didn't take the time to get the keys from Joseph. I went into the bathroom and slumped into a crying heap on the floor. That's the family I'm supposed to have! God, it's so unfair I screamed toward the sky. To make matters worse, as hard as I tried to compose myself, the worse I got. I could not stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. My grandma ended up finding me and she just sat on the floor and hugged me while I cried. She didn't try to say anything to make me feel better, but with a simple hug, she let me know she loved me and was there. She ended up taking me back to her house and had Joseph come pick me up when the service was over. I was very thankful to get away from that place!
As I sit here and type this post, I am very disappointed in myself. I should be doing so much better than weeping in a bathroom because I miss Wyatt. I'm glad we will be here for a longer visit than normal, because that means I have another chance to try church on Wednesday. I am determined to make it through the service. I want to do better. I don't want to spend the rest of my life running away and crying. I want to be able to be excited about something and not have to worry about falling apart unexpectedly! Today was definitely not the day I had envisioned but I have hope Wednesday night service will be much better.