I have been battling with myself today. To be honest, I've been battling with God as well. I feel like God dealt me a low blow yesterday. I have just started coming to terms with the fact that God had to take Wyatt away from me. Although I don't like that God's will was for one of my children to be called home ahead of me, I'm learning to accept it. I was finally starting to come to terms with what God expected of me...
I guess it's true what they say about "God will never give you more than you can handle". If I had to live with the guilt of blaming myself for Wyatt's death as well as grieve his loss these last seven months, I honestly don't know if I would have even bothered to get out of bed. I really think I would have just given up.
I'm trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel here, but maybe... just maybe, God knew I couldn't handle Wyatt's correct diagnosis right after he was born. Maybe his way of getting me here today was giving me the wrong diagnosis and me thinking "Well, we just came up with the short straw in the genetic pool when Wyatt was forming... there is nothing we could have done".
Sure, realizing what Wyatt's real condition was caught me off guard yesterday. Especially when I learn he would have inherited that condition from myself, his father, or possibly even both of us. Am I still upset about it? Yes. But I think it was a blessing in disguise his doctors didn't pursue a different diagnosis. I couldn't have wrapped my mind around the idea of something in me hurting Wyatt then... but now... Now (after the initial shock has worn off) I can look at this through a logical perspective and see that God knew his plans for Wyatt before he was ever given to us. Even if we didn't have this "bad gene" in our bodies, Wyatt was not meant to stay here. God would have called Wyatt home regardless. Wyatt was given to us to make our lives better. He couldn't stay with us long because he couldn't have taught us what he did while he was here if he had stayed.
I try to walk the straight and narrow...
I try to have faith that can move mountain...
I try to trust in God with all that I am, with all that I have...
But I'm human! I fall. I fail.
However, the great thing about God is that he doesn't consider me a lost cause when I forget to roll with the punches life throws me. He doesn't forsake me when I turn my back on him and sulk because things aren't the way I expect them to be. No, God is right there holding me up, sustaining me, and reminding me that he is very capable of getting me through the next trial I face.
"The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, And He delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; For the Lord upholds him with His hand." (Ps 37.23-24)
Joseph had mentioned trying for more children after we have this baby providing all goes well. I've been very against the idea because I didn't want to "chance it" even when I thought our odds were very low for having another baby with Wyatt's condition. Now that we are facing a 1 in 4 chance, you would really think it's off the table to even consider the idea of trying for another child later on down the road. I've even been toying around with the idea of having my tubes tied. I have a long way to go, but whether my odds are 1 in 4, or 1 in a million, God is the one who has the final say in a futures baby's health. I really need to work on my faith and trust. However, I'm getting way ahead of myself! Lets take this one baby at a time shall we?
I'm thankful I knew Baby Finchum #4 was not in any harm of having or developing Wyatt's condition before I connected the dots yesterday. God spared me of the extra anxiety and for that I am very thankful.
I had a moment of weakness yesterday, but I'm not ashamed to tell you how very weak I truly am. God chose a weak and unworthy vessel to do works beyond my ability without him.
Thank you for all your prayer. I could truly feel them at work. God has given me peace with Wyatt's new diagnosis and the effects it has on our family. I know that with the correct information my children will be able to make an informed decision when they decide to start a family of their own one day... And who knows, maybe by then, there will be a way to correct the corrupted gene. We serve a BIG God.