I have been battling with myself today. To be honest, I've been battling with God as well. I feel like God dealt me a low blow yesterday. I have just started coming to terms with the fact that God had to take Wyatt away from me. Although I don't like that God's will was for one of my children to be called home ahead of me, I'm learning to accept it. I was finally starting to come to terms with what God expected of me...
I guess it's true what they say about "God will never give you more than you can handle". If I had to live with the guilt of blaming myself for Wyatt's death as well as grieve his loss these last seven months, I honestly don't know if I would have even bothered to get out of bed. I really think I would have just given up.
I'm trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel here, but maybe... just maybe, God knew I couldn't handle Wyatt's correct diagnosis right after he was born. Maybe his way of getting me here today was giving me the wrong diagnosis and me thinking "Well, we just came up with the short straw in the genetic pool when Wyatt was forming... there is nothing we could have done".
Sure, realizing what Wyatt's real condition was caught me off guard yesterday. Especially when I learn he would have inherited that condition from myself, his father, or possibly even both of us. Am I still upset about it? Yes. But I think it was a blessing in disguise his doctors didn't pursue a different diagnosis. I couldn't have wrapped my mind around the idea of something in me hurting Wyatt then... but now... Now (after the initial shock has worn off) I can look at this through a logical perspective and see that God knew his plans for Wyatt before he was ever given to us. Even if we didn't have this "bad gene" in our bodies, Wyatt was not meant to stay here. God would have called Wyatt home regardless. Wyatt was given to us to make our lives better. He couldn't stay with us long because he couldn't have taught us what he did while he was here if he had stayed.
I try to walk the straight and narrow...
I try to have faith that can move mountain...
I try to trust in God with all that I am, with all that I have...
But I'm human! I fall. I fail.
However, the great thing about God is that he doesn't consider me a lost cause when I forget to roll with the punches life throws me. He doesn't forsake me when I turn my back on him and sulk because things aren't the way I expect them to be. No, God is right there holding me up, sustaining me, and reminding me that he is very capable of getting me through the next trial I face.
"The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, And He delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; For the Lord upholds him with His hand." (Ps 37.23-24)
Joseph had mentioned trying for more children after we have this baby providing all goes well. I've been very against the idea because I didn't want to "chance it" even when I thought our odds were very low for having another baby with Wyatt's condition. Now that we are facing a 1 in 4 chance, you would really think it's off the table to even consider the idea of trying for another child later on down the road. I've even been toying around with the idea of having my tubes tied. I have a long way to go, but whether my odds are 1 in 4, or 1 in a million, God is the one who has the final say in a futures baby's health. I really need to work on my faith and trust. However, I'm getting way ahead of myself! Lets take this one baby at a time shall we?
I'm thankful I knew Baby Finchum #4 was not in any harm of having or developing Wyatt's condition before I connected the dots yesterday. God spared me of the extra anxiety and for that I am very thankful.
I had a moment of weakness yesterday, but I'm not ashamed to tell you how very weak I truly am. God chose a weak and unworthy vessel to do works beyond my ability without him.
Thank you for all your prayer. I could truly feel them at work. God has given me peace with Wyatt's new diagnosis and the effects it has on our family. I know that with the correct information my children will be able to make an informed decision when they decide to start a family of their own one day... And who knows, maybe by then, there will be a way to correct the corrupted gene. We serve a BIG God.
11 comments:
I am glad you are feeling better today. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you. But you are right, we serve a big God. It's hard to see it that way when our world is shattered in a million pieces. I am thankful that He is so patient and loving and infinitely capable of carrying our cares.
XO
Glad to hear you are doing better and still praying for you always.
Caroline
I think sometimes God hides the truth from us when he thinks it will be too hard for us. He doesn't give us anything we can't handle. Maybe you couldn't have handled that diagnosis right when it happened but now he feels you can and since you are pregnant again maybe he thinks it's important for you to know so you can take the proper steps. When I was pregnant with Nikola God let me think he was a girl because I couldn't handle the idea of having another boy so soon. By the time he was born God knew I would be ok with him being a boy even though it wouldn't be easy right at first. I needed to heal a little after Connor passed before I could accept another boy into my life and He knew that. My prayers are with you. *hugs*
Praying for you. I am glad that you were Raw and let us all know what you were feeling and thinking. I think that is an important part of the greiving process to not keep it bottled up.
Danielle, you aren't weak. You are reacting naturally to the blows you've been given. You are normal. You are a grieving mother. Its okay to lose faith, its okay to question, its okay to fall apart. We all have done it, more times then i'm sure we'd all like to recount. This journey of life without our babies is forever. The pain will be with us until one day we are hopefully re-united with them. They will hold us and watch down on us, but we are allowed to break down and not be strong. I would question you if you were strong day in and day out. xoxo
I love the way you always praise God for getting you through what is a difficult time. I was told by a friend that it is OK to be angry with God as long as I keep the communication with God open. He will get us through all.
As for being weak, it is when we are weak that the Lord holds us up until we are once again ready for the next moment.
(((HUGS)))
All we can do in this life is try to walk the path that God has put in front of us. We will fall and fail because we are only human but God is right there to pick us back up. That would be a lot to take in learning a new diagnosis when you thought it was something else. I think you've handled it very well.
Hey I am stopping by from Shoulders. I am glad you are doing better, you seem like a strong woman. Keep your head up I am sure God is wanting to do something big in your life this year.
I am just catching up on my blogs after some time without the internet. I'm so glad to see you are feeling more at peace about knowing the correct diagnosis. That must have been so difficult to discover that information, I can't imagine. I think it makes sense that God would have a hand in giving you more time to process Wyatt's death before learning of the inherited component. He has a way of giving us just enough grace to get through the moment we are in. I'm so glad we do serve a big God, who loves us and is patient with us in all we go through. Thinking of you and praying for you!
visiting from Shoulders. I am praying for you as you work through this. It's always hard when God is trying to teach us & grow us.
God Bless
-Kayli
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