Friday, January 1, 2010
I sit here in the quiet early moments of a new year both reflecting on the last year of my family's life and contemplating what this new year has to offer us.
We've had a [insert word] year... How do you even pick a singular word to describe 2009? It's been horrible and wonderful all at the same time. Our family welcomed our sweet baby boy into this world and sent him to his eternal life in a matter of minutes. We've been trying to deal with being thankful he was given to us to be a part of our family for a short time while being heartbroken that we had to give him back.
As thrilled as I would be to turn my back on 2009 and never look back... I can't. It's the year that I became Wyatt's mommy. It will forever be the year, that for two minutes of my life, my family was complete. Yes, this has been the worst year of my life... but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Especially if giving up the heartache and tears meant I'd be giving up ever knowing Wyatt and the love and lessons he brought to our family.
I start a new walk in 2010. I am no longer the naive little Danielle I was a year ago. 2009 made her point very clearly that I needed to open my eyes to what was really going on around me. Quite bluntly, 2009 chewed me up, spit me out, and let me figure out how to put the pieces back together! And I'm still trying to figure that last part out. However, I cautiously start a new journey as I step foot into a new year.
Just around the corner I face the day we found out Wyatt would die. Mother's day without all of my children. Congress goes back into session in less than two weeks! A family Vacation without my whole family. And June... The month my baby lived and breathed in this world and took his last breath.
But, there is hope. A God given hope that I am clinging to with all my might. This June shall not only hold sadness as I celebrate Wyatt's first birthday in heaven... If all goes well, our family will be celebrating the fact that Wyatt has become a big brother! That's right... I'm 14 weeks pregnant with a healthy (surprise) baby. We were preventing pregnancy and God didn't seem to care about that. Baby sort of said "ready or not, here I come..." And we are pretty sure we are expecting another son as of our ultrasound on the 28th.
I have so much I still need to overcome in this new year, but I have hope that 2010 will be much nicer to our family than this last year has been. I know there will be a lot of questions regarding this pregnancy, but all will be answered soon. I've been keeping a "secret blog" to document everything that I will make public for anyone who wants to read within the next couple of days. I know how hard news of a pregnancy can be for fellow angel moms out there. I am so sorry if I have caused anyone any sort of grief over this news. This is not my intention. I consider all of you my friends, and there is no one in the world I'd rather share this news with than you.
I ask for prayers this new year. I have a frightening road ahead of me that I wasn't exactly prepared to take. I hope 2010 will bring our family the healing it so desperately needs.
Happy New Year my dear friends! Your friendship is what made 2009 bearable for me. I love you all.