A Horrible Nightmare

I woke up this morning to my husband sleeping soundly, and oddly enough the sound of a baby crying. Imagine my surprise when my eyes adjust to the dark room around me and I see a bassinet on my side of the bed with a baby nestled snuggly in Wyatt's blanket. My first reaction was to jump out of bed in dumb founded fury at the idea of some random baby using Wyatt's blanket. How did this baby get in my room? Who had the audacity to use Wyatt's special blanket to cover this baby up? Didn't they realize this blanket would never smell like Wyatt again after this?

I immediately start unwrapping the blanket off of this mystery baby when my entire body freezes at what I'm seeing.

I saw tiny hands...

Short arms...

The cleft in his chin...

Bright blue eyes I imagined Wyatt would have...

Could it be? This was Wyatt... But how could that be possible? He died.

This had to be a dream, but my life has never felt so real as it did in this moment. I didn't care if it was a dream, I wanted to hold Wyatt close to me. I stare into his perfect eyes and his hands reach up towards me as to say "Pick me up mommy, I want to be close to you too".

I carefully pick him up so I won't hurt him and was surprised that his head seemed to be hard like a normal baby's head should feel. What happened to it feeling like holding a water balloon like it did when I held him at the hospital? Oh, I didn't care. I was holding my baby!

I could feel his breath on my cheek as I brought him close to my face. I start crying as I look into this beautiful baby's face, and Joseph wakes up.

"What's the matter honey?", he asks me in a sleepy but concerned tone.

"I know I'm dreaming and I don't want to wake up. I don't want Wyatt to be gone again. Please don't let me wake up!" I plead with Joseph through tears.

He looks at me puzzled. "Your not dreaming Danielle", he said slowly, "Why would Wyatt go away? He's our son. Where else would he go?"

"He died. Don't you remember? He was diagnosed with a fatal condition and died two minutes after he was born. We never brought him home alive. You brought him home after they cremated him... this isn't real."

"Honey, Wyatt didn't die." Joseph says exasperated. "You must have had a night mare. Don't you remember bringing him home from the hospital a few days ago? You have been pretty loopy from your pain meds the doctor gave you to help with the pain from your c-section... "

"So..." I stammered slowly "It was a nightmare? But how? We were just about to celebrate Wyatt's eighth month in heaven. I was pregnant again with another baby boy that we were naming Seth. He was due a month after Wyatt's 1st Birthday..."

"Danielle, I assure you that was a nightmare. Look at him... He is clearly a healthy baby. He's not going anywhere." Joseph assured me.

I look down in my arms and stare in amazement. How in the world could I have imagined such a horrible fate for my sweet baby boy? Even if it was in a nightmare. It made more sense this way. This felt real. The life I was living in my nightmare is what felt wrong. Why didn't I realize I was having a nightmare sooner?

I lay Wyatt on the bed and unwrap him down to his diaper. It was clear he suffered from a form of dwarfism, but other than that he was healthy. There was no tear on his legs from the delivery like I'd imagined in my nightmare. He was kicking his feet around and trying to climb through the air to get back into my arms. I needed no more prompting. I scooped him up tightly and held him close. He smelled like heaven. Don't you agree that's the closest scent we must have here on earth to what heaven must smell like?

Wyatt started rooting around wanting to be fed. I happily indulged. As he lay across my chest I held his tiny hand in mine and studied it carefully. I wanted to take in every bit of this amazing baby that I had missed while I was asleep and in the midst of such a dark and horrid place.

I caught Joseph studying me studiously out of the corner of my eye. I look over at him and say "This just seems to wonderful to be true." before I turn my complete attention back to Wyatt. He was done nursing and let out a huge burp! Joseph and I both laughed at the idea that such a big noise could come from such a tiny baby.

Yes, this was the way life was meant to be in our family. We did a great amount of other "normal" baby stuff with Wyatt and I thoroughly enjoyed every moment. Including one funny incident where I had to change Wyatt's diaper only for him to pass gas as I was putting some powder on his tush and a cloud of white exploded from his bottom. Joseph and I had a lot of laughs with Wyatt...

Maybe I just had that nightmare so that I would cherish my time with my kids more. There was no way I'd be forgetting that particular nightmare any time soon!

And then I woke up.

Joseph was already gone to work. It was still dark. The bassinet beside my bed was no longer there. And Wyatt was back in his urn on our dresser like he had been in my nightmare.

I had been dreaming.

I realized I had just received a glimpse of what our life would have been like had Wyatt come home with us. As beautiful and vivid and REAL as that dreamed was to me, I wish I hadn't had it. It was torture to realize my nightmare was my true reality. I started sobbing. I didn't want my dream to end. I wanted to go back to sleep and hold Wyatt close to me again... I wanted to feel his breath on my cheek... but here in my reality, all I had to hold close was a pillow. And instead of feeling the sweet warmth of Wyatt's breath on my cheek, I felt the hot sting of tears.

I really miss Wyatt today. I do everyday, but I am especially missing the life we could have had with him after having it flaunted in my face last night. I'm really at a loss for words...

Long Overdue Pictures

I realized I haven't shared any ultrasound pictures with you from my last two ultrasounds so I thought tonight would be just as good a night as any to take the time to upload them. I haven't done it until now partly because I can't figure out how to use our scanner, and mostly because I'm lazy!

I must also apologize for the quality of the pictures... I took them with my camera and uploaded them onto blogger after I tried to fix them up in photoshop :)

So, without further delay...

That's all I have for now, but I should have more pictures to share on the 9th and 10th. The 9th is my big ultrasound and the 10th is my regular doctors appointment. Which reminds me what tomorrow marks for me in this pregnancy... My 18 week and 2 day mark. Better known as the day in my pregnancy with Wyatt that we found out our plans for Wyatt and God's plan for Wyatt were two entirely different plans. I will post more about a great deal of milestones I am facing as tomorrow will be the first of a cluster I will be barreling through over the next week and a half.

A Catch Up Blog (Part 1)

Why do I allow myself to get so behind on posting like this? I have so many random happenings of my life to share and I just let them pile up until... well, until I get over my lazy funk and make myself sit down to add all my pictures and actually write out my post!

The biggest thing I wanted to post is a praise report! Leave it up to my body to start turning blue for no apparent reason while I'm in Florida,... and resolve the blue hand mystery on it's own upon our return to Tennessee! I know it had to do with all of your prayers on our behalf. It had to. My hands were almost constantly blue while on our vacation and for the last two days have been perfectly normal! I can't tell you how much better that makes me feel. I'm glad I have my husband to witness it really happened at my doctors appointment... otherwise I think my doctor would look at me a little weird when I tell him it stopped after I returned home.

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I have a few people I need to thank for surprising me with some special gifts over the last month.

First, I need to thank Caroline from over at The Croley Gang. I opened my mailbox one day to find a package from her. How exciting! Of course, I tore into the package as soon as I got the kids in the house. I opened these two first...

So when I opened the last one, I pretty much expected it to say Wyatt's name with the same three heart design as the first two. When I peeled back the paper and saw Wyatt's name, my heart skipped a beat and my eyes started welling up with tears of appreciation and happiness. She added an elephant to Wyatt's!

Caroline, I treasure you as a friend and I love your gifts. They will hold a special place in our hearts and on our wall!

I also received these beautiful pictures from Lisa (Jasper's Mommy) over at Jasper, Forever Our Firstborn. I couldn't have received these at a better timing. I was on vacation, and I found them in my inbox right after we got back to the hotel from my hard day at church on Sunday. I don't have to tell any of you how special it is when someone remembers your baby when it feels like the whole world could care less to remember that they even existed. Than you so much Lisa! You put a much needed smile in my heart.

I've also been given quite a few blog awards that I need to acknowledge. I'm so sorry to those who have given me an award... I'm not ignoring you or ungrateful! I'm honored you would consider my blog worthy of being recognized. So thank you to:

Cori Lynn over at Life With The Beach's for leaving me the "When Life Gives You Lemonade" Award.

Ashley over at Nolan's Story for leaving me the "Heartfelt Blogger Award".

And I know someone else left me a message as a comment telling me they left me another blog award, but I just can't find the comment to see who it was! I am so sorry! But I am thankful to you none the less.

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There you have it... for now. This post is getting rather lengthy, so I will do the rest of my updates in another post. Coming up: Our vacation, long overdue ultrasound pictures of Seth I have yet to share, and pictures of Ansley and Eli being silly!

Turning into a Smurf

I have so much to update you all on, but I will post that soon in another post.

I have something really weird happening to me right now, and I'd really appreciate prayers for mine and baby Seth's health. While we were on vacation, my hands started turning blue! Yes, I typed that correctly... my hands are turning blue. It started out that my knuckles looked like they'd come in contact with blue dye somehow. I started trying to wash it off and realized it was my actual knuckles that were blue. After that, my hands started to do the same thing, followed by my fingernails.

I called my doctor and he suggested something called Reynold's phenomenon (RP). I researched this condition, and I found that what triggers the hands to turn blue are cold temperatures. However, my hands are turning blue even when they are warm. I'm worried this may be a circulation problem and that Seth may not be getting the oxygen or nutrients he needs. I also worry about the timing of this weird problem starting up... which is about the time the placenta completely took over.

Dr. Joy said if it is RP there is no need for concern. He said he would simply address it at my next appointment and that he would keep an eye on it. He said as long as there was no pain that it should be fine. But still, it doesn't make me feel any better about turning into a smurf!

As you can imagine, I've been pretty worried about Seth this last week, although I can feel him move and his heartbeat has been around 155 bpm each time I check his heart rate through out the day.

Ansley did something today that completely caught me off guard. She came up to me to kiss baby Seth through my belly (which is normal), but she asked me when baby Seth was going to go to heaven. I was completely caught off guard and well, that was really bad timing for her to ask me that question with my current health concerns for myself and Seth.

I told her we hoped that God let baby Seth stay here with us and that he wouldn't need Seth in heaven for a very long time. I mean, what else do you say to that?

I sit here tonight very unsure of what is happening to my body and if it is affecting my baby. But I gave Ansley the very advise I needed to trust in myself. I don't know what God's plan is for our family, but I have hope that he will allow baby Seth to stay here with our family. Worrying over something I have no control over isn't going to do me any good so I just need to trust God to bring our family through whatever plan he has for us. Easier said than done, but I'm really trying here! Will you all still love me if I become a smurf?!

Rough Day

I started off my day extremely excited. Do you remember the feeling you used to get the night you were going to bed with anticipation that when you woke up it would be your birthday? That was the same feeling I had last night. I haven't seen my real church family in what feels like forever. This is the church I grew up in, taught my first class of first and second graders, worked with the youth group, sang in the choir, met and married my husband, you name it and I've probably done it in this church. Plus, both mine and Joseph's family attend this church. It feels like home. I've been very home sick and couldn't wait to step foot in those doors again.

I never took the time to consider that seeing my church family would be hard. As I walked through the doors of our small, white steepled church, I felt very alone. I felt incomplete and I was very aware of the fact that Wyatt was not in my arms where he should have been. After the first couple of hugs and "It's so good to see you's", I was on the verge of tears.

"Okay, you can handle this", I said to myself, "when are you not on the verge of tears these days? You've gotten very good at concealing them with a smile... step up and do that now!"

As I was silently composing myself, my eyes caught sight of something that knocked the air out of my chest. I felt like someone hit me in the gut as hard as they humanly could...

A friend of mine had given birth to another baby since we'd last seen them. I didn't even have any idea that she was pregnant. We had Eli and her little girl within months of each other, and here she is with a baby boy in a carrier that looked awfully close to the age Wyatt should have been had he lived. This new little boy was also her third child...

I practically ran out of the church. I would have left, but I was in such a hurry to get away, that I didn't take the time to get the keys from Joseph. I went into the bathroom and slumped into a crying heap on the floor. That's the family I'm supposed to have! God, it's so unfair I screamed toward the sky. To make matters worse, as hard as I tried to compose myself, the worse I got. I could not stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. My grandma ended up finding me and she just sat on the floor and hugged me while I cried. She didn't try to say anything to make me feel better, but with a simple hug, she let me know she loved me and was there. She ended up taking me back to her house and had Joseph come pick me up when the service was over. I was very thankful to get away from that place!

As I sit here and type this post, I am very disappointed in myself. I should be doing so much better than weeping in a bathroom because I miss Wyatt. I'm glad we will be here for a longer visit than normal, because that means I have another chance to try church on Wednesday. I am determined to make it through the service. I want to do better. I don't want to spend the rest of my life running away and crying. I want to be able to be excited about something and not have to worry about falling apart unexpectedly! Today was definitely not the day I had envisioned but I have hope Wednesday night service will be much better.

Vacation

Our family vacation officially started this morning at 3:30 a.m. We packed our expedition until it was busting at the seams and then crammed our kids in amongst the organized chaos. “Mommy, Daddy, we’re going to see FLORIDA!”, Ansley chimed excitedly. Eli was much less enthusiastic about the un-Godly hour we came to wake him up. He was pretty ticked off that he was woken up when the “sunshine was still night-nights”. What can I say, he takes after his mommy! I don’t do mornings either.

It’s been an uneventful trip thus far besides rain threatening to swallow us since we came through south of Atlanta. No sign of it stopping anytime soon either. It’s made for a dreary ride, but we were able to brighten it up a bit with a trip to dairy queen. My munchkins wore more ice cream than actually made it into their mouths... by the time all was said and done, they were two gooey, sticky resemblances of my children that saved ice cream for later in their noses... ears... hair... But seeing their happy little smiles hidden beneath the coating of chocolate and vanilla dripping off of their faces couldn’t help but make me smile inside.

I actually missed this little incident as I headed over to Subway instead of Dairy Queen (yes, I was being good!). Joseph said Eli dropped some of his ice cream on the table and tried to bend down to lick it up. YUCK! But the funny thing was that in the process of lowering his head to the table, he shoved his entire forehead into his ice cream cone and screamed like a little girl. Poor Eli. Is it horrible that we get our laughs out of our children's frustrations?

I wanted to write this down more for remembering these memories than anything else. Life is sweeter today than it has been for me in a very long time. I am so thankful for my family, and today, I am truly thankful that Wyatt is in heaven safe and sound. Sure it would have been a dream come true to have him here to take part in our ice cream fun, but for now at least, I’m okay that he’s not because of where he is.

We still have a few hours before we get to our hotel, but thankfully time is flying by. Of course it wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that my husband has been driving the entire time, bless his soul, and that God just so happened to put lead in his right foot! When I start nagging him about going 40 miles over the speed limit, he just smiles and says “You gotta love the advantages of being in law enforcement!” He’s being careful though! And most of the time he’s really not going that fast... maybe just 30 over the speed limit... He says he has to be careful because there is precious cargo in the car... HIM! Of course he says that with a smug smirk on his face because I know he’s just playing around. Please continue to pray for a safe trip for our family. I will try to keep you updated, and I promise to share lots of pictures!

UPDATE: We have arrived safely and look forward to seeing all of our family at church bright and early tomorrow morning!

Oh Boy! Oh Boy!

If you guessed that Joseph and I would be adding another son to our family, you would be 100% correct! We are very proud and delighted to announce that Ansley, Eli, and Wyatt's youngest sibling will be a little brother. And if you would like to start calling him by name when you say prayers for him, we have named him Seth Alexander Finchum.

We chose:

Seth- because it means appointed one. Seth was appointed to Adam and Eve to console their broken hearts after they lost Cain and Abel. For those of you who aren't completely familiar with this story... Cain killed Abel and was then sent into exile... which means that a mother loses two sons :( However, God sees how heartbroken Eve is and gives her another son which they named Seth to ease (not erase) her sufferings.

Seth will be our third son and I am sure his life will bring great joy to our family. He will not replace Wyatt... but he will be a reminder to our family that God knows what we need long before we do.

Alexander- because we wanted to incorporate some part of Wyatt in his little brothers name. Alexander means "warrior of men" just as Wyatt meant "little warrior". I think one of Wyatt's greatest qualities was his warrior spirit. I very much like the idea of having his baby brother carry a name with the same meaning. I like to think Seth will have that same warrior spirit as Wyatt did. He'll need to have that type of spirit to survive Ansley!!!

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. Please pray that Seth continues to grow into a strong and healthy baby that our family gets to bring home in our arms instead of just our hearts.

Can Anyone Help? UPDATED

UPDATE:

Thanks to everyone for offering to help or directing me to someone that could help get my blog fixed and running again. Isn't it Murphy's Law that the moment you ask for help you figure it out on your own? Well, I got it all figured out after a few attempts to throw my laptop through a window! Now, now, I wouldn't do that... would I? Thanks again dear friends!

ORIGINAL POST:

Is anybody really good with HTML codes or blogging layouts? I need help! And I'd be glad to pay :) Here's the deal. I completely messed up my 3 column layout and can't figure out how to get it back to the way I had it! Plus, I've made the elements and stuff I want to add to my blog, but I can't get my custom header to show up. It loads, but when I preview or save... it never shows up! I'm so frustrated! I should have just left my blog well enough alone. It took me forever to get it the way I like it in the first place. UGH!

Please Hang in There...

My blog is under construction and I am having a difficult time getting my elements to load with my internet connection tonight. I will work on it tomorrow :) I'm not doing anything major... I was just ready for a change of pace. Thanks for your patience.

I'm Better Today

I have been battling with myself today. To be honest, I've been battling with God as well. I feel like God dealt me a low blow yesterday. I have just started coming to terms with the fact that God had to take Wyatt away from me. Although I don't like that God's will was for one of my children to be called home ahead of me, I'm learning to accept it. I was finally starting to come to terms with what God expected of me...

I guess it's true what they say about "God will never give you more than you can handle". If I had to live with the guilt of blaming myself for Wyatt's death as well as grieve his loss these last seven months, I honestly don't know if I would have even bothered to get out of bed. I really think I would have just given up.

I'm trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel here, but maybe... just maybe, God knew I couldn't handle Wyatt's correct diagnosis right after he was born. Maybe his way of getting me here today was giving me the wrong diagnosis and me thinking "Well, we just came up with the short straw in the genetic pool when Wyatt was forming... there is nothing we could have done".

Sure, realizing what Wyatt's real condition was caught me off guard yesterday. Especially when I learn he would have inherited that condition from myself, his father, or possibly even both of us. Am I still upset about it? Yes. But I think it was a blessing in disguise his doctors didn't pursue a different diagnosis. I couldn't have wrapped my mind around the idea of something in me hurting Wyatt then... but now... Now (after the initial shock has worn off) I can look at this through a logical perspective and see that God knew his plans for Wyatt before he was ever given to us. Even if we didn't have this "bad gene" in our bodies, Wyatt was not meant to stay here. God would have called Wyatt home regardless. Wyatt was given to us to make our lives better. He couldn't stay with us long because he couldn't have taught us what he did while he was here if he had stayed.

I try to walk the straight and narrow...

I try to have faith that can move mountain...

I try to trust in God with all that I am, with all that I have...

But I'm human! I fall. I fail.

However, the great thing about God is that he doesn't consider me a lost cause when I forget to roll with the punches life throws me. He doesn't forsake me when I turn my back on him and sulk because things aren't the way I expect them to be. No, God is right there holding me up, sustaining me, and reminding me that he is very capable of getting me through the next trial I face.

"The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, And He delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; For the Lord upholds him with His hand." (Ps 37.23-24)

Joseph had mentioned trying for more children after we have this baby providing all goes well. I've been very against the idea because I didn't want to "chance it" even when I thought our odds were very low for having another baby with Wyatt's condition. Now that we are facing a 1 in 4 chance, you would really think it's off the table to even consider the idea of trying for another child later on down the road. I've even been toying around with the idea of having my tubes tied. I have a long way to go, but whether my odds are 1 in 4, or 1 in a million, God is the one who has the final say in a futures baby's health. I really need to work on my faith and trust. However, I'm getting way ahead of myself! Lets take this one baby at a time shall we?

I'm thankful I knew Baby Finchum #4 was not in any harm of having or developing Wyatt's condition before I connected the dots yesterday. God spared me of the extra anxiety and for that I am very thankful.

I had a moment of weakness yesterday, but I'm not ashamed to tell you how very weak I truly am. God chose a weak and unworthy vessel to do works beyond my ability without him.

Thank you for all your prayer. I could truly feel them at work. God has given me peace with Wyatt's new diagnosis and the effects it has on our family. I know that with the correct information my children will be able to make an informed decision when they decide to start a family of their own one day... And who knows, maybe by then, there will be a way to correct the corrupted gene. We serve a BIG God.

Wyatt was Misdiagnosed!

I am so mad tonight I swear my head could spin completely around! I was going to do a sweet post on how I was 15 weeks pregnant and blah, blah, blah... In my attempt to write this post I googled images of 15 week old fetuses. I found a few images to use, but as I was skimming through the images, I came across a baby that looked like a less developed Wyatt!

I've been questioning Wyatt's diagnosis of Thanatophoric dysplasia since he was born. He just didn't look like a TD baby to me. It was clear he had some sort of a dysplasia, but the exact condition eluded me. I consigned myself to accept the diagnosis doctors had given me and move on... until tonight.

Wyatt had a condition called Achondrogenesis. I am 100% convinced after skimming through all the information compared to Wyatt's over the last couple of hours. The images of these baby's compared to what Wyatt looked like was uncanny... Not to mention the medical history. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by posting those images on here, but for those of you who would like to compare images of babies with this condition to Wyatt's appearance... you can find them by simply googling images of "Achondrogenesis baby".

So why am I so upset?

The result was still the same... Wyatt died no matter what his real diagnosis was, right?

Well yes. However, having this diagnosis over TD really changes things for our family.

For instance, TD is a spontaneous genetic mutation that can hit anyone without prejudice. But not Achondrogenesis! No, Achondrogenesis is inherited. We went from having a 1 in over hundreds of thousands chance of having a baby with this condition, to having a 1 in 4. And not only that, this wonderful little gene has been passed down to my living children and could very well cause them to have a baby with the same condition as Wyatt.

Can I just say I feel terrible. I know I really have no control over what genes I pass down to my baby... but this means I did that to Wyatt. It was something that was wrong with me that I, in turn, gave to my baby. I'm really feeling like a failure right now. I feel like I let Wyatt down. I feel like I let my living children down because I'm giving this burden to them when they decide to start a family. I feel so guilty!

At the same time I'm furious. Why didn't doctors take the time to diagnosis Wyatt correctly? I even asked if his diagnosis was correct because he didn't look like a normal TD baby. But no, doctors are never wrong, are they?!?!

I've gone from knowing everything I possibly could about the condition that took my sons life, to knowing absolutely nothing in the click of my mouse on a familiar looking picture. A years worth of pouring through information on TD... getting excited when they found where the mutation of this gene occurred... it all seems so wasted.

Again, I know either way, my son is still gone. It just makes my life seem that much more uncertain and unstable. I feel like my worlds been shaken up when I really just need it to settle down and start taking root again. Will you please say a little prayer for me? I really need God to give me some peace and security tonight.

Blood Results Are Back

My least favorite thing to do is have blood drawn. I am a complete wimp when you tell me you have to poke me with a needle. After three children and working on my fourth, you would think it wouldn't even phase me. Let's face it... another name for a pregnant woman is a pin cushion!

When I went for my first trimester screening at the UT hospital on the 28th of December, not only did they do an in depth ultrasound, but they also did a blood screening. It was my understanding that this screening would completely rule out certain chromosomal anomalies such as a few of the different Trisomy #'s and Down Syndrome. I was a little frustrated when the hospital called back with my results today...

Apparently, this test does NOT rule out these conditions! It only tells me what my risk is of having a baby with one of the above mentioned defects. Although my risk is at the very minimal for having a baby with any of these conditions, less than one in one hundred thousand to be exact, it doesn't make me feel any safer. I had less of a chance of having a baby that had Wyatt's condition and it still happened to us! I wouldn't have gotten the blood panel done if I had known it were only giving me odds. However, I am thankful everything "baby" related came back normal!

As far as me, I have a certain hormone that is elevated. I would give you the name of that particular hormone, but they didn't even tell me! I found all this out over a voicemail.

I'm told there is no risk to me now, but that my doctor would need to keep a close eye on me when I near my third trimester. Apparently, the increase in this certain hormone puts me at an increased risk of blood pressure problems and preterm labor. It worries me a little, but it makes me feel better to know I have this risk so it can be closely monitored.

Can I ask for your prayers please? Not just for this pregnancy, but also for a few bloggy friends that have some big prayer requests or needs? I won't go into any details, but there are some (yes, more than one) angel moms out there that could really use your prayers. Some are still struggling to get pregnant... Others are scared as they face first doctor appointments and new pregnancies... And there are even some that have lost yet another baby to miscarriage or are looking into the face of a possible miscarriage. My heart is scared and broken for these friends. I wish there was more for me to do than pray. It doesn't seem like enough. I feel so helpless.

Blessings to you all, and much love!

Baby Blog Unveiled

My "Secret Blog" is no longer a secret. I have opened it up so that anyone who wants to read about this pregnancy may do so. It's called, Are You Serious Lord?! I hope any questions you may have are answered, but if they aren't... feel free to ask.

This is the true reason I haven't been around lately. I've felt like such a fraud for not sharing this part of my life with you. It is a huge relief to get the weight of this secret off my shoulders. Not to mention the fact that I know this baby's health will be continually prayed for. I'm still iffy on whether or not I will post my updates of this pregnancy on Letting Go an Letting God or not. My hesitation either way is two fold.

First, I worry about my angel mom friends who are sensitive to the news of a new pregnancy. I know it always stung a little for me when a new pregnancy was announced... and I wasn't even trying to have another baby! It was just a reminder for me that I was too scared to try for something I so desperately wanted. I'm not here to hurt anyone, even if it is unintentional... This makes me want to separate everything so you can choose to read about this baby or not.

On the other, Letting Go and Letting God was created to document our family's journey as we learned to trust him when all hope seemed to be lost. It is about giving God our hopes, dreams, fears, and worries, while knowing he is fully capable of sustaining our family. This baby is already a part of our family. He will be Wyatt's baby sibling... I don't think it's right to separate one of my children from a blog that documents my entire family.

So, I'm leaning toward the latter... but I haven't completely made up my mind yet. I'd love to get your points of view. I'd like complete honesty. I want to know if reading about my pregnancy makes you upset or uncomfortable. Even if you need to post anonymously I'd appreciate the honesty. I feel as though I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place.

Here's you bags 2009...

I sit here in the quiet early moments of a new year both reflecting on the last year of my family's life and contemplating what this new year has to offer us.

We've had a [insert word] year... How do you even pick a singular word to describe 2009? It's been horrible and wonderful all at the same time. Our family welcomed our sweet baby boy into this world and sent him to his eternal life in a matter of minutes. We've been trying to deal with being thankful he was given to us to be a part of our family for a short time while being heartbroken that we had to give him back.

As thrilled as I would be to turn my back on 2009 and never look back... I can't. It's the year that I became Wyatt's mommy. It will forever be the year, that for two minutes of my life, my family was complete. Yes, this has been the worst year of my life... but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Especially if giving up the heartache and tears meant I'd be giving up ever knowing Wyatt and the love and lessons he brought to our family.

I start a new walk in 2010. I am no longer the naive little Danielle I was a year ago. 2009 made her point very clearly that I needed to open my eyes to what was really going on around me. Quite bluntly, 2009 chewed me up, spit me out, and let me figure out how to put the pieces back together! And I'm still trying to figure that last part out. However, I cautiously start a new journey as I step foot into a new year.

Just around the corner I face the day we found out Wyatt would die. Mother's day without all of my children. Congress goes back into session in less than two weeks! A family Vacation without my whole family. And June... The month my baby lived and breathed in this world and took his last breath.

But, there is hope. A God given hope that I am clinging to with all my might. This June shall not only hold sadness as I celebrate Wyatt's first birthday in heaven... If all goes well, our family will be celebrating the fact that Wyatt has become a big brother! That's right... I'm 14 weeks pregnant with a healthy (surprise) baby. We were preventing pregnancy and God didn't seem to care about that. Baby sort of said "ready or not, here I come..." And we are pretty sure we are expecting another son as of our ultrasound on the 28th.

I have so much I still need to overcome in this new year, but I have hope that 2010 will be much nicer to our family than this last year has been. I know there will be a lot of questions regarding this pregnancy, but all will be answered soon. I've been keeping a "secret blog" to document everything that I will make public for anyone who wants to read within the next couple of days. I know how hard news of a pregnancy can be for fellow angel moms out there. I am so sorry if I have caused anyone any sort of grief over this news. This is not my intention. I consider all of you my friends, and there is no one in the world I'd rather share this news with than you.

I ask for prayers this new year. I have a frightening road ahead of me that I wasn't exactly prepared to take. I hope 2010 will bring our family the healing it so desperately needs.

Happy New Year my dear friends! Your friendship is what made 2009 bearable for me. I love you all.