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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Just Call Me Scrooge

This is my preemptive strike before I answer my door and am greeted by search parties looking for me! I've gotten quite a few messages from my dear bloggy friends who are worried about my lack of posting...

Sorry to worry anyone, I'm fine...

I've just been having a really hard time with the holidays. Everything just seems so wrong to me. I keep waiting for the ghost of Christmas Past to show up any minute and whisk me away. In truth, I wish he would. I'd give anything to relive ANY part of my life where Wyatt was still tangibly here instead of merely being tucked away within the fibers of my heart.

Do you know Wyatt would be six months old today? Half a year... just yesterday... an eternity ago...

On Thanksgiving, all I could think about was the long list of things I had to give thanks for. It's an unbelievably long list... but Wyatt not being here casts a dark shadow on my list and sucks the joy away from me.

I actually did okay on Thanksgiving. That is until I called my father. It was nothing he said, but my cousin answered the phone... She has a baby girl who is just a little older than what Wyatt would be and I was forced (okay, I could have hung up) to listen as she cooed about how much her baby girl enjoyed her first Thanksgiving. I got all the details of how she dug into to her mashed potatoes and I even sat through my cousin putting the phone up to A's mouth so I could hear as she started blowing raspberries... It probably doesn't seem so terrible, but you might as well of light my heart on fire.

And now, Christmas is upon us. I don't even have my tree up yet. I'm battling with my scrooge mood of "What's the point? Who needs to put a tree up anyways?" to feeling guilty that I haven't put one up so I can add Wyatt's ornaments to the tree. It feels like the only way he'll be able to actually be a tangible part of our family during Christmas. I swear, I have an uncanny ability to overanalyze things and make my life so much more difficult than they need to be. I just miss Wyatt so much!

Joseph asked me the other day, what I wanted for Christmas. I keep telling him there isn't anything I want that he can give me. Nobody can give what I really want. I just want my baby back. I'm not even asking to have Wyatt back indefinitely... Another two minutes would do me just fine. Just to feel the weight of him in my arms and the warmth from his body...

Wow, this post isn't depressing at all! Can you see why I've stayed away? Not like the holidays aren't hard enough without dragging all my friends down with me :)

I do have other happier post I want to share with you, but tonight, I'm missing my son. I will be doing more posts in the near future. I just wanted to let everyone know what was going on with me and let you know that I still love all of you very much and look forward to sharing more with you soon.

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16 comments:

Holly said...

Gosh, I would love the same for Christmas or any of the day of the year. I'm not picky.

Sorry you had to hear your cousin talk about her baby. :( What a damper on a somewhat 'ok' Thanksgiving.

The Blue Sparrow said...

I've been struggeling with the whole holiday thing too. Im also debating even putting a tree up this year myself. Its just so depressing. Im sorry things have been down for you lately. Sending prayers your way asap! Missed you! *HUGS*

Just Breathe said...

We know your pain and we are all here to listen. Good, bad or whatever. I am so sorry. Just try a little each day. I don't think that anyone who loves you expects more from you. I pray for your comfort and strength during this holiday season.

Traci Michele said...

Hey there! I was thinking of you today, and thinking about Wyatt turning 6 months in heaven. Oh how I wish I could give you just 2 minutes with your precious son.

It was so nice to meet you!

Love your friend,
Traci

Beth said...

You are not dragging us down. Friends are here to lean on, to help you get through this. I'm asking God to send you peace and comfort tonight and through the holidays :)

Franchesca Cox said...

Danielle, first of all, I have missed you!!! I am glad you're fine, but so sorry that you're feeling the blues. All I can say is me too. I think it just hit me right after dinner. This is December. Christmas is a crazy 24 days away. And like you, there's nothing I want that anyone can give me. My heart hurts for you and all of us babylost mamas. Sending you HUGE HUGS!!!

Trisha Larson said...

I know. I was there last December. Every single thing that you said except that I have completely stayed away from babies. People can be so insensitive and I'll never understand that one.

If it makes you feel better, I don't have my tree up either and last year I didn't do it until mid-December. And to top it off, I didn't even buy Nate an ornament. I was so sad and out of it that I missed a lot. This year is hard but much better than the last.

Hang on. It's a tough month but you already have 1 day down.

Hugs,
Trisha

April said...

Maybe you can start a new tradition to include Wyatt for the holidays. Maybe you could get a "Baby's First Christmas" stocking and hang it every year, and ask family and friends to write Wyatt a letter or draw him a picture. Put them all in the stocking and share them on Christmas morning, or at dinner time, and save them in a box (make sure you write the year on them though)! Or you could get a christmas card for Wyatt every year (I was actually very upset with myself for not getting Morgan one last year for her first Christmas).
We all know how hard the first holiday season is. You're not really sure what you're supposed to do or how you're supposed to act... We understand. Just do what you think you can. Don't force anything. If you need time alone, take it. Don't feel obligated to accept every invite this season. Most of all, listen to yourself.

(((hugs to you)))
If you ever need to talk, shoot me an email hun.
-April

Anonymous said...

Danielle, I am sorry that today is Wyatt's 6 month birthday and he is not with you. I am like you - even 2 minutes to hold my baby would be wonderful.I'm praying for all of you and please know that I hurt for you and wish I could take away your pain.
Blessings, Sarita

KK said...

I'm so sorry. Just stopped to pray for you.

croleyc69 said...

Hey there I have missed you and I'm glad you are a sorta ok. I wish you could have Wyatt back to. I know this is a not so happy time of the year when your missing someone so dear. I'm praying that God will help you be strong and have a nice Christmas.
Prayers and {{HUGS}}
Caroline

Kristin said...

My prayers go out to you. I know this will be a difficult Christmas and I will be praying that you can find His peace in what is a very dark time for you. Even if you don't put up a tree - find a way to honor Wyatt this Christmas. May you be blanketed in His love tonight.

Many blessings, Kristin

Missing Kasey said...

Sending you lots of hugs. This time of the year is hard for me too. I feel exactly what you are saying! I am a scrooge too, I wish people would wait until mid Dec to put up Christmas stuff... anywho this is your place to post whatever you are feeling, we are here to support the good, the bad, and the ugly. Sending you lots of hugs and love.

Ann said...

Thinking of you! You are in my prayers.

Nicolasa said...

Hey There, I hope things turn around for you for the holiday season so you can enjoy it and feel less like Scrooge. But feel what you need to!
Thinking of you!

Kristy said...

*hugs* Thinking of Wyatt on his half year birthday!