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Thursday, December 10, 2009

Birthday Blues

I have a really good friend that I got pretty close to before I had Wyatt. We went to the same school for the most part, but I guess we never really took the time to get to know one another until we started getting pregnant together (Two different pregnancies, Wyatt was one of them and Eli was the other). Anyways, she sent me a message today asking me why I was so sad on my birthday this year (I posted a comment on my wall on FB). I can completely see why she would be confused. Birthday's are happy occasions, aren't they? Well, I feel kind of bad, because I unloaded on her. I just let it ALL out.Italic All my hope, despair, peace, heartbreak, secrets... All in one letter.

The letter I sent to her did a really good job of describing the battle I'm fighting right now. I've been trying to write a post about it for a while now, but nothing ever came out right... So I'd like to share the letter I wrote to her.

"All I could think was how unfair it was that I was "celebrating" my twenty somethingth year here on this earth and that Wyatt didn't even get a day.

I'm just so exhausted from being heartbroken all the time. Wyatt is ALL I think about... It's not something thats getting better, I'm simply mastering the mask I put on in front of open doors. I don't think this is something that will EVER get better. Beneath my smile is a face flowing with tears... Behind my laugh are the sobs I hold in... And every time my heart beats I can feel the stabbing pain of the piece missing. The piece I gave to Wyatt when he went away.

And you know, I'm not even sad I gave a piece of my heart to him... that was natural. I've given a piece of my heart to each of my children. But it's different when you have that child in your life to fill up the part of your heart they claimed for themselves. Wyatt claimed a huge part of my heart but he's not here to fill the missing piece. My heart feels empty, shallow, and raw. They say time heals all wounds, but how does a wound heal when it's being irritated with each beat my heart takes? I would NEVER wish this on anyone...ever, ever, ever.

I KNOW God is in control. I KNOW he had a reason. He KNOWS I don't understand, but that I'm not trying to anymore. It's not something I am meant to understand and I accept that. I'm trying SO HARD to find the unshakable joy I once had. But right now, I just don't have to strength to look anymore. And when that happens, I stop. I rest. I cry. And I do it in the loving and peaceful arms of God. And when he has renewed my strength, I will go in the way he leads me knowing that, one day, I WILL find joy again. Even if it's something I don't find until I begin my eternal life in heaven.

I've been feeling like I've been so alone. I'd felt like God had forsaken me, because I couldn't feel or see his presence in my life anymore though I was desperately calling out to him. All this time I was expecting God to be behind me every step of the way. But as I looked back he was no where to be found. When I finally started looking around in utter desperation, it wasn't until I looked ahead of me that I saw he had been right there, leading me the entire time. It does me no good to keep looking back on what I've lost. I KNOW this. I KNOW I should be looking forward... I have an eternity waiting for me that includes Wyatt. But my flesh, my heart,.. they get the best of me more times than I care to admit. I rail at God unceasingly for taking Wyatt to heaven when I KNOW I should be thankful he IS in heaven...

You happened to catch me at one of my "crying in the arms of God" moments. It is in these times that I'm my weakest, my most vulnerable. I lay my cross at God's feet because it's too heavy to go another inch without taking rest. However, I am able to take my cross back up and march on because I know if I keep going in the way Christ leads me, I will have Wyatt in my arms again. Forever. The road is grueling and tough as I navigate the uneven terrain, but it will be smooth sailing when I finally get where God wants me to be... where I want to be.

It's so weird that one can experience hope with desperation... joy with heartbreak... Peace with sadness...

Sorry to unload on you. I'm just too exhausted to pretend and keep everything bottled up tonight. But, I WILL be okay. God's promised all his children we will be okay, and I'm taking his word for it... I just doesn't take the hurt out of the present."

So there you have it... that's me right now... All rolled up into one big and messy ball.
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14 comments:

Christina said...

I don't know what to say..I'm just so sorry your hurting. I can't imagine what your feeling, because Ive never been there. But just know I'm thinking of you. *hugs*

croleyc69 said...

I'm sorry and I wish I could just jump through the computer and hug you. I'm praying for you so much.
{{HUGS 4 U}}
Caroline

Franchesca Cox said...

I know there's nothing I can say that can minimize your pain. I hope and pray that God gives you that joy in spite of your heartache. I wish I was there to give you a HUG!

XO

Nickel Pickle said...

((hugs)) I can totally relate to the giant hole missing in your heart. 4 years ago Logan took with him a giant piece of my heart and it STILL hurts....

The Blue Sparrow said...

Oh sweety, Big Hugs is all I can say! I wish I had the right words to say to you. Just know that Im praying.

April said...

My heart goes out to you.
When it comes to MY heart, I say this:
Morgan and Blumpy both took pieces of my heart with them when they left this world. It aches sometimes and it bleeds, but I carry them both in my heart. Because they carry the missing pieces, sometimes it still feels whole.
Morgan died in the same room she was born in. She never got to see the sun or feel the breeze or hear the birds. Blumpy wasn't developed enough to ever have even heard my voice. I would trade places with them so quickly... To give them years of life and in return only get minutes. Sorry for the rambling.
Just know we're all here for you, and that you're not alone.

Mary Ellen said...

My heart is broken for you right now. This is a pain that I wish you didnt feel and no words other than God's can heal your heart. So
I will promise you this, I will begin praying everyday that God will begin to show you that there can be joy in this world again. It does take time and He is the only one that can bring you back to this place of joy. It is different for everyone and I pray that God will give you comfort along the way. Just know that you are NOT alone. You are not alone in your heartache or your joy. God IS with you and my prayer is that you will find comfort in that today.

Missing Kasey said...

((hugs)) I think holidays, birthdays, special occasions is when it is the hardest on us. I can relate and I know that make no difference, but I am sending you lots of hugs and thinking of you!

Nicolle

Nati @ I will praise Him said...

Nothing I could say would really ease your pain right now, but please know I'm thinking of you!

Ter said...

I had my birthday last week too.... I was very sad. :(

Just Breathe said...

What has happened to you isn't fair and it's okay to dump on us.
I am so sorry. I wish I could help you. I will continue to pray for your strength and comfort. ((HUGS))

Heather said...

The letter describes so much of what I and I know so many other mothers who have lost their children feel. There's always this internal conflict raging, even when we're smiling on the outside. This post confirms something that God has been dealing with me about since yesterday - that is, focusing on the eternal. I get so caught up in my everyday live, and in thinking about the past, and even about my future, I forget there is more - so much more. That this life is really no more than a blink of an eye, and one day we will be with our children again.

I will say a prayer for you, that God will give you strength in your darkest days.

Jess said...

You did a wonderful job of putting all those thoughts and feelings into words. There are some things that are just so hard to express, but I think many of us can relate on so many levels. It's hard to look to our eternal future, when the past and the immediate present are full of so much heartache. But, sometimes thinking of that future is what keeps me going. I am praying God brings you that joy, even though your heart will never stop missing Wyatt.
Hugs!!

Holly said...

Sometimes it feels good to just unload and I'm glad you felt you could do that. I understood your letter very much. Our children take a piece of our hearts and when they are no longer here with us that piece is missing until we are reunited.