I'm just so exhausted from being heartbroken all the time. Wyatt is ALL I think about... It's not something thats getting better, I'm simply mastering the mask I put on in front of open doors. I don't think this is something that will EVER get better. Beneath my smile is a face flowing with tears... Behind my laugh are the sobs I hold in... And every time my heart beats I can feel the stabbing pain of the piece missing. The piece I gave to Wyatt when he went away.
And you know, I'm not even sad I gave a piece of my heart to him... that was natural. I've given a piece of my heart to each of my children. But it's different when you have that child in your life to fill up the part of your heart they claimed for themselves. Wyatt claimed a huge part of my heart but he's not here to fill the missing piece. My heart feels empty, shallow, and raw. They say time heals all wounds, but how does a wound heal when it's being irritated with each beat my heart takes? I would NEVER wish this on anyone...ever, ever, ever.
I KNOW God is in control. I KNOW he had a reason. He KNOWS I don't understand, but that I'm not trying to anymore. It's not something I am meant to understand and I accept that. I'm trying SO HARD to find the unshakable joy I once had. But right now, I just don't have to strength to look anymore. And when that happens, I stop. I rest. I cry. And I do it in the loving and peaceful arms of God. And when he has renewed my strength, I will go in the way he leads me knowing that, one day, I WILL find joy again. Even if it's something I don't find until I begin my eternal life in heaven.
I've been feeling like I've been so alone. I'd felt like God had forsaken me, because I couldn't feel or see his presence in my life anymore though I was desperately calling out to him. All this time I was expecting God to be behind me every step of the way. But as I looked back he was no where to be found. When I finally started looking around in utter desperation, it wasn't until I looked ahead of me that I saw he had been right there, leading me the entire time. It does me no good to keep looking back on what I've lost. I KNOW this. I KNOW I should be looking forward... I have an eternity waiting for me that includes Wyatt. But my flesh, my heart,.. they get the best of me more times than I care to admit. I rail at God unceasingly for taking Wyatt to heaven when I KNOW I should be thankful he IS in heaven...
You happened to catch me at one of my "crying in the arms of God" moments. It is in these times that I'm my weakest, my most vulnerable. I lay my cross at God's feet because it's too heavy to go another inch without taking rest. However, I am able to take my cross back up and march on because I know if I keep going in the way Christ leads me, I will have Wyatt in my arms again. Forever. The road is grueling and tough as I navigate the uneven terrain, but it will be smooth sailing when I finally get where God wants me to be... where I want to be.
It's so weird that one can experience hope with desperation... joy with heartbreak... Peace with sadness...
Sorry to unload on you. I'm just too exhausted to pretend and keep everything bottled up tonight. But, I WILL be okay. God's promised all his children we will be okay, and I'm taking his word for it... I just doesn't take the hurt out of the present."