There really isn't much new to report as far as this pregnancy. Everything feels like it is going smoothly besides the fact that morning sickness this go around seems to have a mind of it's own. I swear one day I can't keep a single thing down and the next there's no hint of feeling nauseous anywhere to be found.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Joseph told his dad on Thanksgiving that we were expecting again. He asked us if we were crazy... I'd say "No doubt we are", if we'd actually been trying... He asked us when we would find out if the baby was okay and what we would do if "something was wrong again". It's nice for Joseph to have his dad to talk to about this. I just wasn't ready to face these questions. Of course I know the answers to them already... I would just rather push them out of my mind and not have to worry about them right now.
But the truth remains that I think these same questions to myself hundreds of times a day. I know I would carry to term again... but would I survive it this time around? I've already lost so much of myself, I can't imagine losing the shreds of me that I have left.
Or how would I manage to put on the mask this time if there was a fatal problem? Joseph and I have decided to continue as if the pregnancy were normal even if it weren't... both for my sake and the baby's. It still makes me sick to think how Wyatt was treated like he was already gone even while my belly was expanding from his growth. My heart still aches with the memories of people completely ignoring the fact that I was pregnant. I could never do that again. I would rather have people rejoice in the life this baby gets for how ever long I am able to call him mine.
I'm just lacking in the faith department right now. I'd like to believe everything will be alright. But I learned a hard lesson with Wyatt. God shook the foundations of every belief I've ever had when he took Wyatt away from me. I realize now that babies do die... And that it can happen to me... And it did... And it can happen again.
I know without a doubt God will carry me through this pregnancy. But he also carried me through Wyatt's pregnancy as well. I just lack the faith I need to believe he will carry me through with a much happier outcome. I need a happier outcome...
We've all heard "don't count your chickens before they hatch". I'm to the point where I don't even think it's safe to count them after they've hatched. I'm one messed up cookie... I can't imagine what God was thinking when he blessed me with this baby. I need to learn to trust God completely again. I want so badly to believe everything will be okay. I need everything to be oaky...