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Saturday, December 19, 2009

Trying Harder

Joseph and I had a conversation a while back where he voiced some concerns about how S-L-O-W-L-Y I'm moving through the grief process. His opinion was that I wasn't handling losing Wyatt very well, if at all... As much as I disagreed with his latter statement, I had to take it at face value. He is my husband after all, and knows me better than any other person possibly could.

I'll be the first to admit I haven't handled losing Wyatt well at all. But I have been making an effort. Most days, I don't even want to get out of bed. It seems like I am spending most of my energy by simply breathing. So, to get out of bed and plaster a smile on my face for the kids takes a lot more out of me than most could possibly understand.

I've started small. I can't handle doing much, but I'm attempting to do something the old Danielle would have done at least a couple times a week. I'm not going to set myself up for failure and say I'll do it everyday until I get more comfortable stepping out of my comfort zone.

For my first act, I made homemade pancakes for the kids Friday morning with butterfly, ladybug, snail, and heart shapes. They absolutely loved the neat shapes. Ansley actually pouted a little bit when I made Joseph a plate of the leftovers and took them up to his work so he could enjoy some pancakes too. She wanted me to save them for when she was hungry later.


And today, I planned a girls day with just Ansley and mommy. She's been asking to see the Princess and the Frog movie, which was really cute by the way. I think the villain of the movie was a bit scary for a three year old, but besides that it was a pretty sweet movie. When Ansley realized what movie we were going to watch she wrapped he arms around me and and yelled "Thank you for taking me to see Princess and the Frog mommy! I love you!"... Talk about melting my heart!

I also took her to get her very first manicure and pedicure. She picked out her own color. Of course,... she picked out the brightest, shiniest red paint she possibly could. It was adorable to watch her be such a big girl. She thoroughly ate up the attention today.


We wrapped up our day together by heading to the store and letting her pick out a toy. Of course, she had to get something that was Princess and the Frog!

Don't worry, poor Eli and daddy weren't left out! Joseph took Eli to an airplane museum and I can imagine Joseph was about as captivated by the old planes as Eli was. Joseph said they had a great time and Eli got an airplane toy and shirt...

They also went to Chick-Fil-A and had lunch together. Joseph said Eli barely touched his food because he was mesmerized by a train that kept going around the ceiling of the dining area.

To finish our evening, we came home and made ice cream sundays for dinner! Yes, that was seriously our dinner unless the kids get hungry before bedtime... And no, I don't feel too awfully guilty. It's not like we do this all the time... although we really should do this more often!


So see, I'm trying. I'd still rather be a hermit and lock myself away in my house... but as Joseph pointed out, I'm not just locking myself in the house. I'm doing it to the kids too. I need to make myself get out of the house more, even if I only do it for the kids. It's hurts to admit that I've been neglecting my kids, even if I didn't realize I was doing it. I was spending time with them here, but it must have felt like they were in prison here with me never leaving... All I can say is that I will strive to do better than I have been. I need to not only for me, but for my children and my husband. They deserve a better me than I've been giving them.

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16 comments:

Kristin said...

Sending hugs and God's love to you tonight. I have not been where you are but I am praying for you.
Blessings, Kristin

April said...

Good for you, hun! Small steps are better than no steps at all.

Elizabeth said...

You can't rush the healing process but it is good to get out of the house. It is absolutely wonderful that you had a mother, daughter day and your husband and son had a father, son day. And then finishing off the day as a family....BEAUTIFUL! *hugs*

Missing Kasey said...

Sending you lots of hugs and I know your husband knows you best, but we all grieve differently and at different paces. 4, 6 and 8 months(esp) were very very hard. I didnt think I would make it or be able to function on a day to day basis. Things start to get a bit better or manageable I guess would be a better word.

Nicolle

Beth said...

Sounds like everyone had a great day! Hope you have many many more :)

Mary Ellen said...

The grief process is not one that is on a time table. Sometimes you will feel like time stands still and others you might feel that you have skipped a few "step". It cant be rushed and even spouses are on thier own journeys in grief. I say this because the grief process almost destroyed my marriage. I found that for me to be able to accept and deak with my grief I went to a grief counselor. And although this was not something that I wanted to do at first, I credit her will giving me hope that one day I wouldnt have to "act" happy.

I am glad you had a mommy daughter day. I pray that you will feel comforted this week.

croleyc69 said...

Glad you got out sounds like alot of fun. Saying a prayer for you and everyone handles things differently. Take your time.
Caroline

Mary said...

Sometimes I think it is hard for us to see if and when we are stuck in our grief or moving as Joseph said SLOW. My hubby brought it to my attention and when I sat back and looked at everything I realized that I was stuck. I was constantly sad and that sadness controlled my world. I think that something that we must pull ourselves out of even if we are just forcing ourselves to be happy, and do things. For me I had to remember that even though I was sad and grieving the loss of my daughter, I had a son and HUSBAND at home that needed me too. It is so easy to get wrapped up in our grief and stay there. As always, I am thinking of you and praying for you.

Holly said...

I think it would be hard to hear those words from your husband, but like you said, they know you better than anyone. I think you've made a great effort and the days you and Joseph spent with the kids prolly meant a lot to them!

Traci Michele said...

Hello sweet friend!

I loved this post. I adored the fact that Ansley got so excited to spend one on one time with you you. She is truly precious!

It must be harder than ANYONE realizes. God alone, knows how you truly feel.

But thank God everyday that you have such a LOVING husband. Many, in the world, would not see what he said to you as loving. But I know, just by what you have shared about him, that he said it honestly, yet lovingly.

Sometimes I get "stuck in a rut" and the only way for me to get out, is to have my sweet Husband, point blank, tell me how it is....

AND THEN....

wrap his big arms around me and see me through it.

God bless your beautiful family.

Continue giving up updates on your little outings. This was a fun post to read. I couldn't stop smiling.

Christina said...

I'm glad you had such a great day, and I hope you have many, many more to come. :)

Jess said...

Sounds like you had a really special day with your daughter and family. I agree it's hard to keep things happy for our kids when there is such a deep ache inside for the one who is missing. I think it's great that you are taking these steps, and just by doing some of these things, it will start to come more naturally, and you will start to enjoy it more and more. That's how it has been for me with my sons. And I'm still working on it too. HUGS!

Malory said...

As you do more it will get easier. You planned an amazing day that your daughter will prob always remember!

KK said...

Sounds like you are trying. The holidays must be especially hard. Saying a little prayer for you right now.

Trisha Larson said...

Good for you Danielle! It's hard when we have to put our kids well being ahead of our own. But I guess that's what Mommies do!

I know that for me, the healing comes from stretching myself where I can and then realizing that I DID IT!! However, it's a fine line because if I expect too much or try and do things that I'm not ready for...I crash and burn!!! The whole two steps forward, one step back seems to be very appropriate for us grieving moms.

Hugs,
Trisha

Mary said...

I think, for me at least, grieving the loss of my daughter, while my other kids are still alive has been very difficult. I love them, but they are not her. They are older, more independent, needy in different ways....especially when all I want is a little baby to hold. I often feel I am neglecting them too, and then feel very guilty. I think we just need to give ourselves some grace to be where we are, and know that God is big enough to care for those that we wish we could care for ourselves.