Saturday, December 19, 2009
Joseph and I had a conversation a while back where he voiced some concerns about how S-L-O-W-L-Y I'm moving through the grief process. His opinion was that I wasn't handling losing Wyatt very well, if at all... As much as I disagreed with his latter statement, I had to take it at face value. He is my husband after all, and knows me better than any other person possibly could.
I'll be the first to admit I haven't handled losing Wyatt well at all. But I have been making an effort. Most days, I don't even want to get out of bed. It seems like I am spending most of my energy by simply breathing. So, to get out of bed and plaster a smile on my face for the kids takes a lot more out of me than most could possibly understand.
I've started small. I can't handle doing much, but I'm attempting to do something the old Danielle would have done at least a couple times a week. I'm not going to set myself up for failure and say I'll do it everyday until I get more comfortable stepping out of my comfort zone.
For my first act, I made homemade pancakes for the kids Friday morning with butterfly, ladybug, snail, and heart shapes. They absolutely loved the neat shapes. Ansley actually pouted a little bit when I made Joseph a plate of the leftovers and took them up to his work so he could enjoy some pancakes too. She wanted me to save them for when she was hungry later.
And today, I planned a girls day with just Ansley and mommy. She's been asking to see the Princess and the Frog movie, which was really cute by the way. I think the villain of the movie was a bit scary for a three year old, but besides that it was a pretty sweet movie. When Ansley realized what movie we were going to watch she wrapped he arms around me and and yelled "Thank you for taking me to see Princess and the Frog mommy! I love you!"... Talk about melting my heart!
I also took her to get her very first manicure and pedicure. She picked out her own color. Of course,... she picked out the brightest, shiniest red paint she possibly could. It was adorable to watch her be such a big girl. She thoroughly ate up the attention today.
We wrapped up our day together by heading to the store and letting her pick out a toy. Of course, she had to get something that was Princess and the Frog!
Don't worry, poor Eli and daddy weren't left out! Joseph took Eli to an airplane museum and I can imagine Joseph was about as captivated by the old planes as Eli was. Joseph said they had a great time and Eli got an airplane toy and shirt...
They also went to Chick-Fil-A and had lunch together. Joseph said Eli barely touched his food because he was mesmerized by a train that kept going around the ceiling of the dining area.
To finish our evening, we came home and made ice cream sundays for dinner! Yes, that was seriously our dinner unless the kids get hungry before bedtime... And no, I don't feel too awfully guilty. It's not like we do this all the time... although we really should do this more often!
So see, I'm trying. I'd still rather be a hermit and lock myself away in my house... but as Joseph pointed out, I'm not just locking myself in the house. I'm doing it to the kids too. I need to make myself get out of the house more, even if I only do it for the kids. It's hurts to admit that I've been neglecting my kids, even if I didn't realize I was doing it. I was spending time with them here, but it must have felt like they were in prison here with me never leaving... All I can say is that I will strive to do better than I have been. I need to not only for me, but for my children and my husband. They deserve a better me than I've been giving them.