{Interesting} Appointment

My appointment today was, um, interesting...

I had this irrational fear that they would find something wrong simply because we were taking Ansley and Eli with us to see their newest baby brother. This is the first appointment with Seth that we've been brave enough to consider allowing the children to come along.

Anyways, the children were pretty good considering how early we had to drag them out of bed to make the hour long trip for my appointment at 7:30 this morning. Ansley was upset that we were leaving the house while the sun was still sleeping! After I let the kids have cookies for breakfast (I know, I should be nominated for worst mother of the year) they seemed a little more receptive to being dragged out of bed and forced to put clothes on. Didn't you know that cookies make everything better?!

The ultrasound itself was pretty uneventful. The tech was so sweet and took her time answering all of my questions. I really appreciate it when we're not rushed out of the room. I cherish every second I get to see this little baby boy.

Seth's heart rate was running 147bpm. I am 26 weeks and 3 days pregnant today, but was measuring 26 weeks and 5 days. They are still keeping my due date at July 2nd which I expected. The pregnancy newsletter that I subscribe to says an average weight for a baby at this gestation should be about 1 3/4 pounds. Seth weighed all that and more, tipping the scales at a whopping 2 pounds 2 ounces! I guess he really is a robust little guy!

We only got a couple of pictures, but there is one picture that turned out amazing. You can actually see Seth's left eye open! The technician said it was very rare to get such a great shot. I'm not surprised though... God has been really great with giving me the extra reassurance I need throughout this pregnancy.



I did have a big scare today over what turned out to be nothing...

The technician left and said the doctor would review my chart and be in to talk to me in about 10 minutes or so... No red flags went up. This was normal protocol for this hospital. But when we got a knock on the door, two doctors entered the room. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. Why were there two doctors?

They introduced themselves, I vaguely remember shaking both of their hands, and then one of their phones ring... "Oh, excuse me a moment", he said... and then I hear "Oh, hello Dr. Joy", as he starts flipping back through my chart before both doctors excuse themselves to talk to my doctor.

We were left sitting there thinking the worst. I mean, imagine how bad that looked!

Two doctors came in to talk to me...

my doctor was on the phone with them...

They excused themselves to talk to my doctor...

Lord please let Seth be alright!

I had that sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach that I felt when I realized there was something wrong with Wyatt. I just knew I was going to get bad news again. The other shoe was finally dropping... I wanted to run away but was paralyzed by fear. So, I just sat there and held my breath as I prayed.

Eventually one of the doctors came back in. He apologized for the delay, told me everything looked great with the baby, and sent me on my way. I wanted to hug the doctor and punch him in the face all at the same time! You don't do that to a woman who has suffered a loss...

I'm sure they don't even realize how much they upset me. It set the tone for today to be a pretty tough day despite the good ultrasound. It just sent me back to that place again. It sent me back in time momentarily to the place... to the emotions I felt when we realized Wyatt was going to die and that there was nothing we could do. I felt helpless again.

It took everything in me to hold it together. I teared up a little, but was proud of myself that I was able to choke it back down. Of course, talking to Celia helped me a lot. I know she's got to get sick of my venting sessions, but oh, I don't know what I would do if I didn't have her to talk to! She's pulled me through some pretty rough patches...

Long story short, Seth is healthy and I couldn't be happier to know he's safe and warm inside my ever expanding belly. Thank you to everyone for your prayers. I don't know what I would do without any of you bloggy friends and prayer warriors either. Your love and support is so very appreciated and cherished.

Answering Your Questions

Whew! Have the last few days been hectic around our house or what?! My head is still spinning.

I haven't forgotten about my promise to answer the questions from my Questions post. I'm just going to start from the top comment and work my way down if that is alright with you!

I'm going to answer the first two questions together because they all kind of involve the same answer...

The questions were:
How did Joseph and you meet? How did he propose? And in what ways is your coping with grief different from his? AND My question is, how old were you when you got married, and how did you and Joseph meet?

Joseph and I met at church. I was 17 years old at the time and had no interest in dating him what-so-ever! He was nothing like the normal guy I was attracted to. Here is this straight laced guy that wears button up polo shirts and khaki dress pants with actual shoes... no thank you! I wanted a bad boy or surfer dude with shaggy hair, ratty shorts, optional shirt, and flip flops! Somebody as clean cut as this "church boy" was sure to be BORRRRINGGGG! I pretty much ignored him besides the occasional nod or hello as I passed by him in church.

One day, Joseph's uncle came and sat next to me out of the blue. "You know, Joseph is a really great christian boy, Danielle. Maybe you should think about spending some time with him. I really think the two of you have a lot in common"...said his uncle slyly.

"Oh, he wouldn't be interested in me", was the reply I used to politely escape these disastrous match making attempts before I quickly got up and made a dash for the safety of the choir area. That was the last I heard from uncle C on the subject.

But Joseph's uncle was far from giving up his title as match maker...

Apparently, he had the same exact conversation with Joseph later that day, to which Joseph replied, "Oh, I doubt she'd be interested". Ha! I had stuck my foot in my mouth earlier and hadn't even realized it...

"Oh, that's funny that you should think so, because she said the exact thing about you being interested in her", uncle C said to a hopeful Joseph.

Long story short, Joseph called my grandfather and asked for permission to ask me out on a date. My heart melted just a little bit by his chivalry and I agreed to go on a date with him "as friends" or as "christian companionship". We went on our first date which led to another, which led to another...

When Joseph left for boot camp a couple months later I realized how miserable and empty my life was without him in it. He was my best friend. Much to my dismay, I realized I was in love with him. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Joseph was the man God had made especially for me. I would spend the rest of my life with him. There was no questioning my feelings for him or his for me.

Three days after I turned 18, I married the boy I was trying to get out of talking to not even eight months earlier. We shared our first kiss in front of our church family when the pastor pronounced us man and wife. It was magical. There was no proposal, we just decided 12 days before I turned 18 that we knew we were going to spend the rest of our lives together... why wait? Besides, we were both living with our grandmothers and felt like burdens. We knew we could take care of each other. We looked forward to taking care of each other. It's funny how God knows exactly what he's doing. As annoyed as I was with uncle C at the time, I owe him big time for introducing me to the man of my dreams.

As far as the differences in our grieving process, that's easy. WE'RE POLAR OPPOSITES. I grieve outwardly at home. I curl up in a ball and cry in bed. I eat everything chocolate in sight. I obsess over stupid, meaningless things that I CAN control. Me grieving is not a pretty sight at all...

Joseph on the other hand is a rock. He bottles everything up and rarely talks about them. I think he feels like he needs to do that so he can be "the strong one" for me. Looking at him (most days) you would think he was perfectly fine and that nothing bad or heartbreaking had ever happened to him... he amazes me. I am very lucky to have him. He support me as I grieve and he loves me enough to give me a reality check when I'm in need of one.

Next question!

I love the way you have crocheted a beautiful blanket for all your children.When did you learn to crochet and who taught you? This is a light hearted question, but I was amazed at your talent. I have always wanted to crochet myself.

Well thank you for the sweet compliment! My grandmother on my father's side (Nana) taught me how to crochet. When I was about six years old I was driving her insane because I kept interrupting her as she was trying to do her aerobics exercise. Her solution was to teach me how to make a basic chain. Once I mastered a certain chain, she would move on and teach me another. I really enjoyed doing it, and it's something I've always kept up with on and off. I never actually finished a blanket for the first time until I made Ansley her first blanket. My patience was limited to pot holders and place mats!

Next question!

Oh fun!! I always love to hear people talk about their "faith" stories. Did you grow up knowing God? How has your relationship changed and what "advise" would you give a new believer?

On a lighter note....what was the last book you read for fun?!

I accepted Christ in my heart when I was six years old... Man, I was a busy little six year old it seems!

It was the Easter service actually. I remember the pastor talking about how much this man named Jesus loved me. I remember squirming in my seat as he described how Jesus died because he wanted to save me. My six-year-old rationale was that if someone went through all that because they loved me so much, why in the world would I not let them come live in my heart. I've been hooked on Jesus ever since.

I will admit I strayed away from God around the beginning of my teen years. I made some decisions and choices I wish I could change. I learned from those unwise decisions and when I returned to God my faith was stronger than it had ever been. I actually think this was the age it really clicked for me. I started teaching a wednesday night class of 1st and 2nd graders when I turned sixteen. I was in the choir, praise team, various committees, youth... you name it and I was there! Church was a huge part of my ife before we moved here to Tennessee. We never really found a "home" at any of the churches we visited... then we got Wyatt's diagnosis and, well, you know how much I've been struggling to get back into church. I miss it. But even though church is not a part of my life at the moment, God is the biggest part.

My advise to new believers would be to keep God at the center of everything you do. It is impossible to make a wrong decision if you make God a part of the process.

As far as my last book... I'm reading Pregnancy After Loss at the moment. Thank you Holly for taking the time to send it to me... it's really helping!

Next Question!

Have you always had an interest in photography? What got you into it?

I've always been intrigued by interesting photographs. I never really considered the idea to start my own photography business until after I got Wyatt's diagnosis. I loved taking pictures, but, never really had the faith in myself to get started.

We had a session to do maternity pictures with a sweet woman affiliated with NILMDTS. When I got those pictures I realized I wanted to do for other families what this wonderful woman had done for us. I wanted to capture people's happy moments. I wanted to share in the little miracles God could capture through a perfectly timed portrait. Wyatt helped me see how special it was to capture such a sweet and fleeting moment.

Next Question!

I've just been reading your blog as a lurker, but I've been wondering about the footprint tattoo on your hand. Whose footprints are they? :)

I don't actually have a tattoo on my hand. When Joseph and I went on vacation to Sea World as a family, we were trying to make memories with Wyatt. I had a henna tattoo put on the back side of my wrist with Wyatt's name underneath.

The other pictures you may be referring to are the ones of Wyatt's footprints on my husbands hand. I suggested the nurse stamp Wyatt's foot on Josephs hand because I thought it would be a cute picture. I'm glad I did because it shows just how tiny but perfect Wyatt's little feet were. I loved his tiny hands and feet!

I do plan on getting Wyatt's footprints tattoo'd on me after I deliver Seth and finish nursing. I will either get it on the back of my neck or one print each across my foot so they can be seen when I wear my flip flops.

Next (and last) Question!

The next time you come back home I would like to go to lunch : ) To catch up. So my question is: can we : ) ? I have enjoyed very much being able to see God work through you and it helps me out A LOT with my own faith : )
On a different note: are you and Joseph going to have more children after Seth?

You would be crazy to think that I would turn down food and good company! Of course we can get together. I'd love that!

As far as Joseph and I having more kids the answer is NO and YES. Confusing, huh?

No, we will not be having anymore children of our own unless God reverses the vasectomy my husband is getting once I have Seth. He's not even allowed to look at my before we get that taken care of! It's not that we wouldn't love to have more children of our own, but with having a 1 in 4 chance that we could have another baby with the same condition Wyatt had, it's not fair to a future child to gamble with their health... especially when it means if we lost the gamble, our child would die. Plus, I've had more problems with each pregnancy and I don't think my health could handle another pregnancy.

But we do plan on adding at least one more child to our family through adoption. I've always felt led to adopt a child so Joseph and I will start out as foster parents until we find a child that God tells us is meant to be a part of our family permanently. We'll wait until after Seth is at least a year old before we even consider starting the process of becoming foster parents. We want time to enjoy Ansley, Eli, and Seth before we throw another child into the mix.

Well, I think I answered all of your questions! I hope you walk away from this post feeling like you know me a lot (or just a little bit) better. Thank you for taking interest and coming up with some really good questions. I truly enjoyed answering each question I was asked.

This is what I was worried about...

A comment on the news story says:

"What difference does it make if the state reconizes it or not. She know she had the baby and I am sure was able to bury him and have a funeral and all. If he lived less than 2 minutes and was classified as a stillborn I dont see what the problem is unless she gets something from the gov't if he is reconized as a baby and he died. I am sorry for their loss but dont see what difference it makes what the state thinks."

First of all, this person must have never had a child pass. If they had, they would know two minutes is a lifetime when it's all you get with your child or loved one.

Second of all, having Wyatt recognized as a baby is for our family. I WILL NOT GAIN ANYTHING from the state or by any other means by having his life and death recognized. It will simply be making a wrong done towards our son and our family, made right. How rude for even assuming I was after money.

I know I don't need to defend myself here. I know you all know where my heart is, but it still hurts to have my motives questioned. Why is it wrong to want my sons life recognized. Yes, it was less than two minutes... but it was a miracle to know we breathed the same air for two minutes I will never get again this side of heaven.



I need to stop looking at comments. It's just going to get me stressed out.

Wyatt is "Top Story" on WATE Channel 6

Give the video a second to pop up...
If you are having trouble loading the video, you can view the news story and video by clicking here.

Progress?

I've really been on a rampage since Joseph's trip to the funeral home on Monday. I'm still so upset with the idea of Wyatt's life having absolutely no significance in this state. I've received some wonderful support and many of you have offered ideas on how I could go about getting this issue brought further into the light.

Some people have suggested I take Wyatt's story to a local news station. I've been hesitant about doing this because I didn't want people to think I was trying to play the "poor me" card. Yes, our story has it's fill of sadness, but I don't want people to feel sorry for us. I don't want people to look at Wyatt's life as a sad story. I want it to be a story of inspiration, hope, and triumph. Wyatt died, but that shouldn't be the end of his story. I believe with all my heart God only gave Wyatt two minutes he had to fight for because he knew I would fight to have those two minutes recognized. The day Wyatt was born is just the beginning of his story.

I picked up the phone today and made a call to WATE (channel 6) and informed the woman on the phone that I may have a human interest story they may be interested in. If they were interested, great. If not, then it's not God's will and I will have to find some other avenue to further my cause to have babies lives have meaning here in Tennessee.

Not even an hour after I hung up, I got a phone call from one of the female news reporters that was wanting to be at my house in 20 minutes for an interview. I had one of my "OH CRAP" moments. For any of you that have had a child die, you know that house cleaning is just one of those things put on the back burner... at least, it has for me. My house isn't horrible, but it's overdue for a good mopping and vacuuming! Being on limited bed rest hasn't helped the condition of my house either!

Anyways...

Long story short, I asked if we could do it a different day so that my husband could be here. The reporter hesitantly agreed and said that she wants to make sure it's done within the next couple of days. She asked if I had pictures of Wyatt to share... When I answered that I had a couple hundred she asked that I pick my favorite 20-30 and that would be wonderful.

I am so nervous to do this interview! This feels like my one chance to tell Wyatt's story. What if I don't tell it right? What if I somehow let Wyatt down by goofing up his life's story. What if people still don't care? No pressure!

I plan on pulling out Wyatt's elephant, blanket, pictures, outfit, and urn for the interview. What else should I do? You know the moments that a new mother gets where people come visit her in the hospital to see their new baby for the first time? I didn't really get that with Wyatt. All people saw was a dead baby. I feel like this is my new mommy moment where I get to share Wyatt's life with people instead of his death. Any ideas are more than welcome, and prayers that I can represent Wyatt the way he deserves to be represented are greatly appreciated!

Question Time

I need to do a lighter post, for my own sanity, but have had no idea what I would post about.

Right now, I'm trying to just live my life day by day and be thankful for the health of my family at the moment. It works most of the time, so... that's what my life has become for the time being. I'm thankful for what I have but I'm also waiting (or expecting) the other other shoe to drop at any moment. I hope it doesn't. I hope I'm pleasantly surprised. I guess only time will tell.

I am going to leave this post for you...

Is there some nagging question you've been wanting to ask me? Something you'd like to know about me or my family? Anything? Even questions about my previous posts... or totally un-blog related? Just ask me in the comment section and the next post I do will answer any questions you may have about me.

I feel like I've gotten to know so many of you through your support, love, and just plain awesomness! Yes, I know awesomness isn't a real word, but it is on my blog. Because I declare it so. Because, you guys (well, gals mostly) are really wonderful and I'm blessed to call you my friends. You've all made a hard walk a lot more beautiful than I ever imagined it could be.

I look forward to being able to open up with you all :)

Like He Never Existed

I'm having one of my darker days today. My husband and I both are...

I've been trying for the last 2 weeks, calling every couple of days, to get in touch with Representative Montgomery concerning getting Tennessee's definition of live birth changed, to no avail. I've been pretty discouraged. How am I supposed to get something done if I can't even get somebody to call me back?

Anyways, Joseph went up to the funeral home today to get Wyatt's death certificate, or to at least find out how we would go about getting it. I haven't pursued the issue because I didn't like the idea of having a death certificate in this house when I wasn't able to have a birth certificate...

Well, now I'd be happy to have it.

Joseph was told by the funeral home that since there is no official birth, that means there was no official death either. It absolutely breaks my heart that Wyatt's life can just be overlooked like that. According to this state it's like I never even had a baby. I want to scream. I'm typing this through tears. How can they overlook such a sweet, precious life? How can two minutes that meant the world to Wyatt's father and I not have any weight in this world... in this state?

I don't care if Wyatt was stillborn, he still lived. He deserves something official stating that he was here. I'd even settle for a death certificate at this point. WYATT LIVED! How can they not recognize that not only did he live, but he died as well. What a slap in the face!

MY BABY DIED!

HE WAS ALIVE, BUT THEN HE DIED!

I GAVE BIRTH!

I HAVE THE SCAR FROM THE C-SECTION WHERE HE WAS RIPPED AWAY FROM MY BODY!

MY MILK CAME IN TO NURTURE THE LIFE THAT WAS GROWING INSIDE OF ME!

I'm furious, I'm heartbroken, I'm appalled. Wyatt existed. Why can't I get this ridiculous state to acknowledge him?

Will you please pray for God to start opening doors, or windows, or even crawl spaces in the floor for our family to finally get some type of recognition that Wyatt lived and was important. If he wasn't important to anyone else, he was important to me. Does that not count for anything?

25 Week Appointment for Seth

I've been having frightening and bizarre nightmares lately about Seth's arms and legs shrinking or falling away from his body. I wake up freaked out and have felt very anxious about going in for my next appointment. I've just needed to see my little buddy on the ultrasound machine... I've needed to see his long arms and legs, a healthy beating heart, and a growing baby to put my over-active imagination at ease.

I've had other issues that have concerned me about this pregnancy so far too...

For starters, I'm already having contractions! Very sporadic contractions, but contractions none the less! Apparently, at my next appointment, I have to start having non stress tests every time I go in. Joy! As of right now, I've been put on "limited bed rest". I'm not confined to bed, but I'm under orders to limit my picking up of the kids and to stay off my feet as much as possible. The only form of exercise he wants me doing is possibly swimming. If I have more than 5 contractions in an hour I am to head straight for the hospital... sporadic or not. These next 15 weeks are looking like they could be real fun!

One of my complaints for Dr. Joy today was how sore and swollen I've been in my "female area" lately. Sorry if that's a little too much info for some of you...

After an ultrasound, I was informed the reason for the discomfort is because Mr. Seth is already nice and comfortable in a head down position in my pelvis. So when I feel like I need to walk around holding my belly up because there is so much pressure it feels like Seth could just topple out at any moment... yeah,.. that's because he's deemed my pelvis as a nice firm pillow for his sweet little head.

You know what was kind of neat though? Dr. Joy commented on Seth's position. He said it looked like Seth was kneeling instead of being in the "normal" fetal position. When I asked if that were something to worry about, he quickly assured me it wasn't and that he only brought it up because it seemed fitting for this pregnancy. I just thought it was neat!

As far as Seth's arms and legs... I'm happy to report they have not fallen away from his body! Quite the opposite actually. Dr .Joy spent time to let me see each of Seth's limbs and commented on how "robust" this not so little bundle has become already. I asked "Is that your way of saying I have a butterball in my belly?" while Dr. Joy just laughed and said "he's definitely a healthy boy"! It was true music to my ears to hear those words.

Speaking of robust, my weight gain is really starting to irritate me. Dr. Joy tested my thyroid today and I will do my GD testing at my next appointment. I am barely eating anything! I haven't been hungry lately so I've been forcing myself to eat, but I gained 8 pounds in just under a month. I've already gained 30 pounds this pregnancy and it's making me really uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm so scared I'm going to balloon up like I did with Wyatt and it will cause my water to break early. I gained 42 pounds in the last 3 1/2 weeks with Wyatt and I don't want history to repeat itself. I'll update when I get my thyroid results back. Hopefully it's a quick fix or nothing to worry about at all.

Lets see, what else have I not covered?

Ah, starting on March 29th I have to drive into Knoxville to the UT hospital every 4 weeks to monitor Seth's growth. Dr. Joy said with as robust as Seth looks now he highly doubts I'll have to worry about him suffering from growth restriction, but that he'd rather be safe than sorry. I agree 100% and you'll hear no complaining from me at getting the opportunity to see Seth even more often than I do already :)

Other than that, I was told it's already time to go register at the hospital. Oh my! And Dr. Joy recommended that a sibling class might be a good idea for Ansley and Eli to aide them in the idea that this baby (hopefully) will get to come home after he leaves my belly. Ansley still asks me periodically when baby Seth is going to heaven like Wyatt did... I think the class sounds like a good idea. Maybe it will help all of us come around to the idea that Seth might just join our family the way we hope he will.

Sorry about the rambling post... We covered a lot of ground at my appointment today! Also, I don't have a new picture to share unless you absolutely must see another "It's a BOY" picture. It's becoming very clear to Dr. Joy and I that Seth likes to show off his boyishness. Seth and his big brother Eli will get along just fine!

Are You Scared of the Fire?

Before having Wyatt die, I didn't question my faith. And, as far as I know, my faith was never under the scrutiny of others.

But now.... Now, everyone seems ready and willing to unload the "you need to have faith" line on me. It's really kind of ironic, because I feel like my faith is even stronger today than it was before God turned my world upside down with our sons diagnosis and death.

No, I don't attend a regular church service like I used to... I'm not ready. Will I go back to church? Of course I will. But will it be this Sunday or the next? I can almost guarantee you it won't be. Does that mean that I lack faith in God? No way! It simply means that I.am.not.ready.yet.

Then there are the brave (and ignorant) people who have implied it was my lack of faith in God that got in the way of Wyatt being healed. Apparently, we gave up on him! We should have never planned for his funeral,but rather we should have prepared a nursery to bring him home to. Easy for them to say! Cause you know, we've all had to make the decision to carry a baby to term that we've been told was going to die.... (Forgive me, I'm not being in the least bit sarcastic)

Ever fiber of my being wanted to buy Wyatt a crib instead of the casket we bought for him. It made me physically ill to know we ordered his casket while he was still bouncing and tumbling around safely inside of me.

I fought with God, I pleaded with him, I shook my fist at the heavens for what I knew God had been preparing me for all along. There was never any question in my mind that God could heal Wyatt if it were his will, but I also knew healing Wyatt wasn't God's plan for my son. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was a mother being called to surrender my child to God before he even had a chance in this world. It's a sickening feeling to be asked for such a sacrifice. I can imagine Abraham's anguish when God called him to sacrifice Isaac. I'm sure his stomach was contorted in pain at the thought just as mine was.

There are even people that believe a past sin Joseph or I committed is what caused Wyatt to die. "The sins of the father (or mother)"... All I have to say to that is PUH-LEASE! I don't believe I serve a God that would place the burdens of some past sin of mine, on my son. HELLO, That's why Jesus died. My sins are what killed Jesus, not Wyatt.

People think faith is going to church, fellowshipping with other christians, and believing that God will never let anything horrible happen to you...

I can admit, I'm guilty of being one of those people just over a year ago.

But then, I found out I was carrying a son that would die...

In faith, I chose to continue a pregnancy that I knew would end in heartbreak. I chose to let God use our family to show the world how great he is.

How can God be so great when he still let my baby die? Because he brought our family through the fire.

Most people trust God to take them right up to the fire but pull them away before they actually get burned. If God lets them get burned they get bitter and turn away from God because he let them feel the pain of being burned.

I've learned that true faith is being willing to walk through the fire knowing you just may get burned. To know that God can protect you from the flames that you are walking through, but that he may also need to let you burn in order to fulfill his plan for your life. It's okay to hope that God spares you the hurt. We all hope he will. But that's not the way life has worked since Eve took the first bite of the forbidden fruit all those years ago. People walk through fires and get burned now... it's how you handle getting burned that will pull you closer to God or send you running away.

Our family went through the flames. We knew we had more of a chance that we'd be burned by the fire than we would to walk through untouched. We chose to walk through the fire with God and trust him to see us through the pain and heartache. And he did.

I chose to be obedient to God's calling and I learned a valuable lesson in faith.

It bothers people that I don't have faith Seth will come home with us. I'm walking through a new fire right now. So far, God's kept us from feeling the flames on our skin... and I hope with all my might that is what he continues to do. Do I believe it's God's will for Seth to come home with our family? Yes. I believe that to the bottom of my heart. But my faith is in God, not an outcome. Happy or heartbreaking, I know God will be with us through any journey or outcome we face. I have complete faith that God will take me exactly where I am meant to end up in life as long as I continue to walk the path he places in front of me... engulfed in flames or not.

Great Invitation Company 10% off!

I got my invitations for Wyatt's birthday today and I couldn't be happier with the quality, fast service, and overall experience! I love that the company I chose has adorable designs that are made completely of recycled paper! I would highly recommend MyGoodGreetings.com to anyone.



If you are in need of invitations, address labels, envelopes, and so on, you can save 10% off your entire order by entering the code: GREENFIRST at checkout.

Weaving in Love

I posted last year about my love for making a special blanket for each of my children before they are born.You can refresh your memory by clicking here. I think it is a great way to bond with your child before they arrive. There is just something special about taking my heart and weaving into the fibers of the yarn to wrap around my babies when they are finally in my arms. I like to think my love is completely wrapping them up,... safe, cuddly, and warm.

I am just over halfway done with Mr. Seth's blanket and decided to do a post to share the results (thus far) with you. I know the colors I picked weren't traditional baby colors, but I try to make the blankets I chose to make for each baby as individual as I can. I spent quite a while looking for a color scheme that would "fit" Seth's personality, and I really hope it captures his personality correctly. I didn't want to do a "baby" blanket because I wanted something that would represent my hope that he will be able to use it as he grows into a little boy. This is my way of trying to see past the pregnancy and birth process to the idea of actually getting to bring this little boy home in my arms instead of just in my heart.




With that being said (and shown), I'd like to share the blankets I've made for each of my children...

We'll start with Ansley's...



And Eli's...



And of course Wyatt's although I know you are familiar with his already.



And Seth's...

Four completely different blankets made with a heart full of love for four unique and special children. I am so blessed to be their mommy!

Finding Joy

I've been meaning to share a wonderful conversation I've had. There's really no excuses for it taking me so long to sit down and make the time to write about it, so I won't even try! I'll just jump right into what happened if that's alright with you.

As most of you are aware, I had to go to my last doctors appointment alone. This was the first appointment I'd gone to without the company of my husband and I was really anxious and teary for having to sit in that type of office on my own. As I sat mindlessly flipping through a magazine, I head my doctor being his usual joyful self behind the closed waiting room door.

"How can that man be so joyful all the time?" I found myself pondering. "He's had a baby die,... I wonder how he found his joy again? It's obvious he's not faking such a contagious joy... I want that kind of joy."

I don't know why, but when I was finally called back I decided I was going to ask him. At the risk of making a total fool of myself for invading my doctors personal life, I couldn't stop myself!

"Dr. G, May I ask you a personal question?" I asked already regretting opening my mouth.

"Of course", Dr. G said, looking at me carefully.

"Well", I stammered, "I was wondering how you have managed to find your joy again. I used to be like you. My joy was contagious! I miss the joyful person I used to be and I want to be like that again. As hard as I try to stay positive and keep a smile on my face, it's fake. I'm sure my question seems really weird and off the wall, but I find hope in you. I find hope that I can recapture a joy in the Lord like I used to have... A joy like you've managed to reclaim even through a broken heart. I feel too broken to even be able to hold joy within the walls of my hearts. What am I missing? I have God. I have hope for an eternal future with my son in heaven. I have and believe in the promise that I will see him again. I just can't figure out what I'm missing..."

His answer surprised me. It's such a simple answer, but one that makes complete sense. I've never had anyone sum up my grief better than this...

He told me I'm not missing a thing besides time to heal. He said life became very dark for him and his wife after they lost their daughter Angelica. He had the same questions as I have now. He kept telling himself "I will see my daughter again. God has a plan I will understand when I get to heaven..." but what made it possible for him to be joyful in the Lord again was for all the things he believed in his head to be believed in his heart. He said it just clicked one day...

Well, I can't wait for the day it can click for me, so I can go from feeling like this...


You know, the feeling where your being weighed down by a million bricks


...and where your screaming on the inside because your heart hurts so much. To feeling like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I can't wait for the day when I can have my grief lifted away from my body and I can jump in pure joy for the Lord.



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Preparing (really early) for a First Birthday!

I have customized and ordered the invitations for Wyatt's first birthday celebration. I know I still have just under three months left, but this is the one thing in my life I don't want to procrastinate on.


It's been really tough trying to decide exactly what we wanted to do for Wyatt's birthday. I've been worried that I am going to put all this effort into planning a nice day to remember Wyatt, only for nobody to show up. I'm willing to take that risk however, because I can't just let this special day pass by forgotten like I feel his life has been so far (Not by my bloggy friends but by most of our IRL friends and family). I want to celebrate the day my son lived and claimed his place here on earth for two minutes and then his eternal place in heaven. I want to rejoice that my son has spent an entire year in the presence of our Lord in heaven.

To celebrate, Joseph and I (after a lot of disagreeing and tears) decided to do a memorial walk for Wyatt where we would walk one mile in honor of his first birthday in heaven. Why are we walking? It will symbolize the steps we are taking for him that he should have been here to take. Because we hold him in our hearts, he will be taking those steps with each and every one of us that walks for him in love.

The walk will then be followed by the reading of a poem I plan on writing to Wyatt and a balloon release.

Of course food will be served afterwards. After all, this IS a birthday party of sorts!

I really wanted to make Wyatt a cake and sing "happy birthday in heaven", but my husband isn't entirely comfortable doing that with everyone. We will be doing this portion of Wyatt's birthday in the privacy of our own home. I have an adorable little cake idea but you'll have to wait until his birthday post to see it. I will let you know however that the design I'm doing involves an elephant of course!

Again, I know it's still a few months away, but I want to invite anyone who would like to that is around the area to join us. If not physically, in thought. You are all invited! I'd also like to ask you to consider sending me pictures of a balloon you might release for Wyatt on June 1st or even just a picture of his name written somewhere. Anything to keep the day from passing without his life being remembered. I remember Wyatt everyday... his birthday is a day I hope I'll get to see that others haven't forgotten what a special boy he is to them as well. (Again, I'm referring more to IRL people than my bloggy friends... your support is cherished and I know your always here!)

Now that you know what I have planned, can I get some ideas from you? What are some other things I can do to make his birthday special? I've thought about shirts, buttons, custom water bottle labels...but I haven't decided on any of those things yet. We are naming a star after Wyatt in the hercules constellation where my husband already has one named after him in honor of his first father's day! I thought it would be neat for their stars to be close to one another. Other than tat, I'm at a loss. Any ideas are welcomed!