Are You Scared of the Fire?

Before having Wyatt die, I didn't question my faith. And, as far as I know, my faith was never under the scrutiny of others.

But now.... Now, everyone seems ready and willing to unload the "you need to have faith" line on me. It's really kind of ironic, because I feel like my faith is even stronger today than it was before God turned my world upside down with our sons diagnosis and death.

No, I don't attend a regular church service like I used to... I'm not ready. Will I go back to church? Of course I will. But will it be this Sunday or the next? I can almost guarantee you it won't be. Does that mean that I lack faith in God? No way! It simply means that I.am.not.ready.yet.

Then there are the brave (and ignorant) people who have implied it was my lack of faith in God that got in the way of Wyatt being healed. Apparently, we gave up on him! We should have never planned for his funeral,but rather we should have prepared a nursery to bring him home to. Easy for them to say! Cause you know, we've all had to make the decision to carry a baby to term that we've been told was going to die.... (Forgive me, I'm not being in the least bit sarcastic)

Ever fiber of my being wanted to buy Wyatt a crib instead of the casket we bought for him. It made me physically ill to know we ordered his casket while he was still bouncing and tumbling around safely inside of me.

I fought with God, I pleaded with him, I shook my fist at the heavens for what I knew God had been preparing me for all along. There was never any question in my mind that God could heal Wyatt if it were his will, but I also knew healing Wyatt wasn't God's plan for my son. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was a mother being called to surrender my child to God before he even had a chance in this world. It's a sickening feeling to be asked for such a sacrifice. I can imagine Abraham's anguish when God called him to sacrifice Isaac. I'm sure his stomach was contorted in pain at the thought just as mine was.

There are even people that believe a past sin Joseph or I committed is what caused Wyatt to die. "The sins of the father (or mother)"... All I have to say to that is PUH-LEASE! I don't believe I serve a God that would place the burdens of some past sin of mine, on my son. HELLO, That's why Jesus died. My sins are what killed Jesus, not Wyatt.

People think faith is going to church, fellowshipping with other christians, and believing that God will never let anything horrible happen to you...

I can admit, I'm guilty of being one of those people just over a year ago.

But then, I found out I was carrying a son that would die...

In faith, I chose to continue a pregnancy that I knew would end in heartbreak. I chose to let God use our family to show the world how great he is.

How can God be so great when he still let my baby die? Because he brought our family through the fire.

Most people trust God to take them right up to the fire but pull them away before they actually get burned. If God lets them get burned they get bitter and turn away from God because he let them feel the pain of being burned.

I've learned that true faith is being willing to walk through the fire knowing you just may get burned. To know that God can protect you from the flames that you are walking through, but that he may also need to let you burn in order to fulfill his plan for your life. It's okay to hope that God spares you the hurt. We all hope he will. But that's not the way life has worked since Eve took the first bite of the forbidden fruit all those years ago. People walk through fires and get burned now... it's how you handle getting burned that will pull you closer to God or send you running away.

Our family went through the flames. We knew we had more of a chance that we'd be burned by the fire than we would to walk through untouched. We chose to walk through the fire with God and trust him to see us through the pain and heartache. And he did.

I chose to be obedient to God's calling and I learned a valuable lesson in faith.

It bothers people that I don't have faith Seth will come home with us. I'm walking through a new fire right now. So far, God's kept us from feeling the flames on our skin... and I hope with all my might that is what he continues to do. Do I believe it's God's will for Seth to come home with our family? Yes. I believe that to the bottom of my heart. But my faith is in God, not an outcome. Happy or heartbreaking, I know God will be with us through any journey or outcome we face. I have complete faith that God will take me exactly where I am meant to end up in life as long as I continue to walk the path he places in front of me... engulfed in flames or not.