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Thursday, March 4, 2010

Finding Joy

I've been meaning to share a wonderful conversation I've had. There's really no excuses for it taking me so long to sit down and make the time to write about it, so I won't even try! I'll just jump right into what happened if that's alright with you.

As most of you are aware, I had to go to my last doctors appointment alone. This was the first appointment I'd gone to without the company of my husband and I was really anxious and teary for having to sit in that type of office on my own. As I sat mindlessly flipping through a magazine, I head my doctor being his usual joyful self behind the closed waiting room door.

"How can that man be so joyful all the time?" I found myself pondering. "He's had a baby die,... I wonder how he found his joy again? It's obvious he's not faking such a contagious joy... I want that kind of joy."

I don't know why, but when I was finally called back I decided I was going to ask him. At the risk of making a total fool of myself for invading my doctors personal life, I couldn't stop myself!

"Dr. G, May I ask you a personal question?" I asked already regretting opening my mouth.

"Of course", Dr. G said, looking at me carefully.

"Well", I stammered, "I was wondering how you have managed to find your joy again. I used to be like you. My joy was contagious! I miss the joyful person I used to be and I want to be like that again. As hard as I try to stay positive and keep a smile on my face, it's fake. I'm sure my question seems really weird and off the wall, but I find hope in you. I find hope that I can recapture a joy in the Lord like I used to have... A joy like you've managed to reclaim even through a broken heart. I feel too broken to even be able to hold joy within the walls of my hearts. What am I missing? I have God. I have hope for an eternal future with my son in heaven. I have and believe in the promise that I will see him again. I just can't figure out what I'm missing..."

His answer surprised me. It's such a simple answer, but one that makes complete sense. I've never had anyone sum up my grief better than this...

He told me I'm not missing a thing besides time to heal. He said life became very dark for him and his wife after they lost their daughter Angelica. He had the same questions as I have now. He kept telling himself "I will see my daughter again. God has a plan I will understand when I get to heaven..." but what made it possible for him to be joyful in the Lord again was for all the things he believed in his head to be believed in his heart. He said it just clicked one day...

Well, I can't wait for the day it can click for me, so I can go from feeling like this...

You know, the feeling where your being weighed down by a million bricks

...and where your screaming on the inside because your heart hurts so much. To feeling like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I can't wait for the day when I can have my grief lifted away from my body and I can jump in pure joy for the Lord.

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Jus and Kat said...

That makes perfect sense Danielle! Although sometimes, and this is gonna sound weird, I feel like my grief journey has been a little reversed; I feel like I DO believe it in my heart, but my head intervenes and gets in the way. I overthink things . . .

Kat @ In Dylan's Memory

Michelle Karr said...

Thank you for sharing! I needed to hear your doctors words today.

Rachel E. said...

I love the picture in your header! Now I can see where Ansley gets her sweet smile from. She looks SO much like you!

Holly said...

I'm glad you asked your doctor and that he answered you. It helps so much to get reassurance from those who were there before us.

Trisha Larson said...

ME TOO!!!!

I am working so hard to regain that JOY that I used to feel. It is coming back slowly but I can't wait until I have it...without having to work for it!


The Blue Sparrow said...

I love that he said this. Because I've been wondering the same things too, what am I missing? My OB also lost his full term son to stillbirth and I find so much reassurance in him too. He was so gentle with us during and after our loss because he himself had been there. BTW I havent had time to ship Seth's frame yet but I will hopefully get it done monday or Tuesday!

Kristin said...

Thanks so much for sharing that story! I have a little one for you too. Today when I went to get my 9mo old son out of his crib...which in all honesty he has only since last week started sleeping in...I moved a blanket we had in the far end of the crib and underneath it was a stuffed blue elephant. I have no idea where it came from. I don't ever remember getting it as a gift or buying it myself....I must have but I have no recollection of it.

And as always when I see a stuffed blue elephant now I think of you and your Wyatt and say a prayer. I think it is great how God works that way....that a girl from South Dakota can be praying for a girl in TN and remembering a sweet boy she has never met just because of a blue stuffed elephant.

That is your son's legacy - can you see that? Beautiful I think! Our elephant now has a new name and every time I see it I will be praying for you!


Traci Michele said...

Praying you find that Joy... it can't be forced, it just has to come with time... and with being obedient to our Lord.

Love you friend!