Monday, June 15, 2009
Lord, what are you doing? This hurts more than I could have ever imagined. I know how blessed I am to have gotten the time you gave me with Wyatt, but I can't feel that right now. All I can feel is the hurt.
There is this aching in my arms that won't go away. My arms are screaming to hold the marvelous 4 pounds 0.6 ounces of my son's weight close to my chest again. This emptiness in my arms is unbearable. I walk around the house holding Wyatt's blanket in my arms just to feel like I am carrying a piece of him around with me... just to feel some weight in these empty arms.
The silence of his cry I never got to hear is deafening. How can I miss a sound I never even got to hear? But here I am... every part of me longing to hear his cry.
Shouldn't the world be standing still? I feel like my world stopped turning two weeks ago when Wyatt had to leave me here and go on to his eternal life without me. I wasn't ready to stop protecting him. I wasn't ready to give him back. God, I want him back.
I feel like such a failure and I know it is just Satan trying to nudge his way into my life. But I still feel like I failed Wyatt non the less. It says in the bible that faith even as small as a tiny mustard seed can move mountains... I tried. I poured so much faith into Wyatt's pregnancy...I just knew God would heal him and let him stay here with us... and it still wasn't enough. Is it not enough that my heart is broken? Why do I have to feel like I failed my son too?
I miss Wyatt. And that is the greatest under-statement I could ever make. There are simply no words that could begin to adequately describe the longing of my heart for my son. So, for lack of better words... I miss Wyatt.
These last couple of days have been extremely difficult. I'm finally realizing that for the rest of my life, I don't get to make anymore memories with Wyatt. Instead, I'm left with a lifetime of "what if" and "I wonder". Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful I was able to make so many beautiful memories with Wyatt while he was here... but as hard as I tried, creating a lifetime with him in the eight months he was with us just wasn't possible. I had so much more I wanted to tell him. I have so much more love to give him...
Please, please be in prayer for God to give our family peace. I want to be able to think about my son without my heart breaking all over again. I want to be able to say his name without feeling the sting of tears in my eyes. I want my world to start spinning again. I'm scared of getting stuck in this valley as the rest of the world continues to pass me by. My world has to start spinning again... there is still more to Wyatt's life than we have seen.