This and That

I've been getting questions as to how my echo went on Wednesday... to tell you the truth, I haven't updated because I really don't know. I walked out pretty nervous. We all know when a second doctor is brought in and when a scan takes over an hour, it's normally not a good thing.

The first tech spent a while looking at my heart and then told me he needed to have someone else come in and take a look because he was having problems getting a good picture on the left side of my heart. When scanner number two came in she started asking me if I'd ever been diagnosed with a heart condition in the past or if I was told as a child that I had a birth defect of the heart. Um, no... Why?

Anyways, they finished the scan, wouldn't tell me any of the details and said that my doctor would call after he read the report. Gee, thanks for all the info and scaring me half to death!

As of right now I still haven't been called regarding the results. I'm taking that as a good sign because if there had of been something really wrong I'm sure the doctor would have called by now. At least, that's what I'm trying to convince myself of.

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On a different note, I've been an emotional wreck lately. I just really miss Wyatt. Chalk it up to his first birthday being right around the corner... praying I don't have Seth on Wyatt's birthday... and even approaching the mark in this pregnancy where our time ended with Wyatt (33weeks 2 days). I guess it's safe to say this pregnancy is starting to get to me. I feel so guilty to be carrying Seth and making plans for him to come home with us.

I think what's making it hard for me is how insistent the kids are that baby Seth is going to come home. I still can't see it. I want to, but for the life of me, I can't picture myself with a living, breathing baby. Of course, Ansley always has to add in that Seth can't go to heaven like Wyatt did. I know it's her way of rationalizing what is going on in our lives in her four-year-old mind, but man... the last thing I want right now is the constant reminder that Wyatt is gone.

And you know what? The closer I get to the possibility of maybe having a healthy baby I get to bring home, the more anxious I get. I get more scared with each day passing. I feel like I'm so close... almost close enough to touch. But I'm terrified Seth will slip away from me, from our family, and we'll be left to grieve the loss of yet another one of our sons. I wish I could shake this fear. It's making it very hard for me to enjoy Seth's pregnancy. I feel robbed! I know this will be our last baby. My last pregnancy. I want so badly to soak up and enjoy these last moments of this part of my life. I'm really trying...

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On a bit of a happier note, we finally figured out why I've been gaining weight so quickly this pregnancy! I do indeed have a problem with my thyroid being low. Dr. Joy called in a prescription, I've been taking it for about 4 days now, and I have yet to gain any weight since I started taking the medication. Hopefully, as I've already gained 40 pounds this pregnancy, my weight will kind of linger where it is and I won't gain more than a couple of pounds before I have Seth.

Sorry about the randomness (is that even a real word?) of this post! My mind is mush these days and I'm doing good to even formulate a sentence without forgetting what I was trying to say. I will update again as soon as my cardiologist decides to let me in the loop as to what is going on with my heart.