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Sunday, April 25, 2010

This and That

I've been getting questions as to how my echo went on Wednesday... to tell you the truth, I haven't updated because I really don't know. I walked out pretty nervous. We all know when a second doctor is brought in and when a scan takes over an hour, it's normally not a good thing.

The first tech spent a while looking at my heart and then told me he needed to have someone else come in and take a look because he was having problems getting a good picture on the left side of my heart. When scanner number two came in she started asking me if I'd ever been diagnosed with a heart condition in the past or if I was told as a child that I had a birth defect of the heart. Um, no... Why?

Anyways, they finished the scan, wouldn't tell me any of the details and said that my doctor would call after he read the report. Gee, thanks for all the info and scaring me half to death!

As of right now I still haven't been called regarding the results. I'm taking that as a good sign because if there had of been something really wrong I'm sure the doctor would have called by now. At least, that's what I'm trying to convince myself of.

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On a different note, I've been an emotional wreck lately. I just really miss Wyatt. Chalk it up to his first birthday being right around the corner... praying I don't have Seth on Wyatt's birthday... and even approaching the mark in this pregnancy where our time ended with Wyatt (33weeks 2 days). I guess it's safe to say this pregnancy is starting to get to me. I feel so guilty to be carrying Seth and making plans for him to come home with us.

I think what's making it hard for me is how insistent the kids are that baby Seth is going to come home. I still can't see it. I want to, but for the life of me, I can't picture myself with a living, breathing baby. Of course, Ansley always has to add in that Seth can't go to heaven like Wyatt did. I know it's her way of rationalizing what is going on in our lives in her four-year-old mind, but man... the last thing I want right now is the constant reminder that Wyatt is gone.

And you know what? The closer I get to the possibility of maybe having a healthy baby I get to bring home, the more anxious I get. I get more scared with each day passing. I feel like I'm so close... almost close enough to touch. But I'm terrified Seth will slip away from me, from our family, and we'll be left to grieve the loss of yet another one of our sons. I wish I could shake this fear. It's making it very hard for me to enjoy Seth's pregnancy. I feel robbed! I know this will be our last baby. My last pregnancy. I want so badly to soak up and enjoy these last moments of this part of my life. I'm really trying...

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On a bit of a happier note, we finally figured out why I've been gaining weight so quickly this pregnancy! I do indeed have a problem with my thyroid being low. Dr. Joy called in a prescription, I've been taking it for about 4 days now, and I have yet to gain any weight since I started taking the medication. Hopefully, as I've already gained 40 pounds this pregnancy, my weight will kind of linger where it is and I won't gain more than a couple of pounds before I have Seth.

Sorry about the randomness (is that even a real word?) of this post! My mind is mush these days and I'm doing good to even formulate a sentence without forgetting what I was trying to say. I will update again as soon as my cardiologist decides to let me in the loop as to what is going on with my heart.


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14 comments:

Franchesca said...

Danielle, I will be praying for the results to be nothing but just a scare! I totally understand your feeling guilty about carrying baby Seth, I am just glad I am not the only one that feels this way! I am having a REALLY hard time with guilt when I do anything to prepare for baby Joseph's coming. It's definitely bittersweet. All those dates for you being so close, I can relate to too. I am really hoping and praying that Joseph comes before or after Jenna's birthday... Your daughter is just precious, wish I could think of things in that simple innocent way! Thinking of you, and praying for your pregnancy XO

Annie said...

I'm praying for you, Danielle!

The Blue Sparrow said...

I will be praying that they call soon and with good news! I'm so sorry you cant enjoy and have peace with this pregnancy. It's just not fair that we will never agian have an innocent pregnancy experience. I'm thinking of ya dear friend! *HUGS*

Holly said...

Yeah, I would think if something was seriously wrong you would've been contacted right away about your ECHO. Still! Having another tech come in and asking those questions makes you worry!

I'm sorry it's been so tough. We all just hope to get that happy ending.

I'm glad that it was found why you were gaining weight quickly!

Seraphim said...

Danielle I'm sending you lots of love and hoping you get definitive answers about your scan soon. xoxo

Mary said...

No news is good news to me too. I hope you get answers soon though. I know it would drive me bonkers. With everything that is going on, I couldn't take it. But, you are very strong. I will continue to pray. After becoming a BLM, it is hard to get past the your fears which are completely justifiable.

Mary Ellen said...

Praying that you get some clear answers ( good ) about your echo. when I was pregnant with James, I had to do this same thing. And they discovered a Right bundle block with my heart that I never knew was there but with the extra blood that happens later in prengnacy ( I had never made it that far before) it started to cause some issues. But everything turned out just fine. I pray it will be something simple for you as well. HUGS!!

With Out My Punkin said...

Thinking of you! I am hoping that no news is good news. Glad that they figured out why you were gaining weight so quick. Thinking of you, praying that Seth will come home a healthy boy, its hard to plan for one to come home, I understand that and having a hard time too! ((hugs))

Jess said...

I'm sorry you're having to think about a possible heart problem on top of everything else, but I hope you get a good report back soon!! I know, it has been so hard for me to picture my healthy little boy in my arms this time too, but just lately it has been getting a little better as the due-date gets closer. I'm praying you will feel less guilt, and more and more peace and excitement about Seth as you feel him moving and growing. Even as you are preparing and planning for Seth, you are loving Wyatt so much. He knows that, and it's so evident to everyone. You're a wonderful Mommy to each of your children!! ((HUGS))

In Fullness of Grace said...

I am praying for you, Danielle.

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

Praying for good results....I am up far too late ......actually I can't sleep because I have a tooth ache... so I am blog hopping!
Be sure and stop by and read about a miracle in our family....
http://teresa-grammygirlfriend.blogspot.com/2010/04/i-think-god-smiled.html

The Blue Sparrow said...

Just stopping back by to let ya know that I left you an award on my blog *HUGS*

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

Praying for you....and I love a random post....A night of blog hopping....Hope you will stop by and visit me....Enjoyed reading your blog tonight...

Teresa
http://teresa-grammygirlfriend.blogspot.com/

Rachel E. said...

Hi Danielle,
Just checking in to see if you've heard anything from your doctor about the heart echo. Also, I sent you a package a couple weeks ago and wanted to check that you got it. Hope you're feeling better and that there hasn't been any more passing out!