Are we really from the same gene pool?

I have never mentioned my "mother" before on this blog, and all for good reason... She has never really been my mother. She left my brother and I when I was only three years old. My dad was away fighting in the gulf war, and she dropped us off at our grandparents house because she had errands to do... Apparently, those errands have taken over twenty years to get done, because there is still a little girl in me hoping her mother will come around. However, That is a completely different story altogether.

To give you a little background, my brother and I weren't the only two children she did this to. Change a couple of details here and there, and she has done this to eight children. Yes, you heard read that correctly... she has given birth and walked away from eight children!

My entire life, I've always felt the desire to be a mommy and have lots of babies. I wanted to give my children the kind of life I could only dream about as a little girl. I wanted my kids to know that I would do anything in the world for them... But most importantly, I never wanted them to fear I would leave them and not come back.

I was so scared I wouldn't be able to have children for some reason, and I was met with sighs of relief each time my husband and I found that extra pink line on our pregnancy tests... I just figured that since my "mother" had all these babies and didn't want them, I'd want all these babies and not be able to have them. In a sense, that is kind of what has happened.

Today, I found out that my mother is pregnant with her ninth child. Seriously, can this woman PLEASE hit menopause already! Or will somebody make her tie her tubes, this is ridiculous, and it hurts!

I don't understand how this woman has been blessed nine times with perfectly healthy babies, and can just walk away from them. Although I would never wish losing a child on anyone, I am having a really hard time understanding why God did this to me instead of her. Clearly, it is no problem for her to just, walk away...

But here I sit. I'm aching to hold my son. I would give anything to have him in my arms. There is no distance I wouldn't travel if it were possible to even catch a glimpse of him... To be close enough to him that I could hear his laughter as it rumbled from his stomach and spilled out of his mouth,... to see the shimmer of joy sparkle in his eyes.

And there she sits. Just minutes away from a few of her children (ages 17,15,11,and 7) and won't even go see them because the guy she is with (at the moment) most likely doesn't know about them. She's using another poor little baby to trap another unknowing guy... When the guy she is with loses interest in her, she will lose interest in the baby that is currently growing inside of her. I don't understand. How can a mother walk away from her own children? Especially when it's of her own free will?

Life really isn't fair sometimes. I hope and pray my half brother or sister is happy and healthy. It just burns. My heart hurts knowing that she takes her children for granted... that she doesn't even care about them, when I would have given my life in place of Wyatt's. I still would if I could. Maybe the fact that my mother is pregnant for the ninth time shouldn't bother me so much. But it does! It burns. It burns bad! Can I really be from the same gene pool as this woman? I just can't believe someone like her could be related to me... much less my mother!

Lessons I'm tired of being taught

Remember my sweet little puppy that so completely attached himself to me Monday morning? With a heavy heart, I must tell you that he lost his fight with Parvo this afternoon.

Really, I am at a loss for words.

I didn't even want another pet, but he wagged his sweet little tail into our family. I can honestly say I have never in my life been so attached to an animal... and so quickly. I would just sit in our rocker and hold him while I stroked his head... and he thumped his tail in approval. It was nice to have something in my arms, even if it was just a sweet little puppy.

I know if I hadn't of taken him in, he most likely would have died in the woods alone or something to that effect, but come on! This brings back all the pain and heartache I felt when I lost Wyatt just 61 days ago. I put my heart into every second I got with Wyatt, and for some reason, I've done the same with this puppy. I guess maybe because I don't have Wyatt here, so the puppy was the next best thing I had to "mother". (My other two children won't sit still long enough to let me cuddle on them)

I've spent my last couple of days pushing pedialyte down Patton's throat every 30 minutes because I've desperately been trying to keep him hydrated. I even slept on the floor with him when he was too sick to be rocked...

I'm sitting here holding the pieces of my heart in my hands again. I just started trying to piece it back together, and now, I'm wondering what's the point in trying? Before Patton got sick, I had a little piece of joy placed back in my life that I so desperately needed... Joy that left me when Wyatt couldn't stay here with me. I just want to be happy again, is it so much to ask?

You may think I am being completely ridiculous over being this upset from losing a puppy I just got on Monday, and, maybe you're right... but I'm heartbroken. I've been having a hard week in dealing with the fact that I'm living my life without Wyatt anyways...but this... this just adds more weight to the tons of bricks that were already on my chest suffocating me in the first place.

After Patton passed away, I sat on the couch and held him for quite a while. My mind was racing with thoughts like,"God, why are you doing this to me?" or "Please Lord, I really can't handle my heart breaking anymore", as I sobbed until I could hardly breathe. As I sat there wollowing in the mangled mess that used to be my heart, I hear my sweet daughter's voice singing. As I listen, I hear "God never fails... God never fails... God never fails... No, he NEEEVVVEEERR fails". I have never heard her sing that song up until now, but hearing her sing those words in her sweet little voice gave me enough strength to get off the couch and put Patton down.

I don't know what God's purpose in placing Patton in my life was, if he was just going to take him away again... but I don't know what his purpose in taking Wyatt away was either. Trust and Faith are two words that I am learning to hate! But I do trust that God knows best, and I do have faith in the fact that God truly, Never fails. Lord, I've learned my lesson in Faith and Trust... Please stop teaching them to me!

July Under The Tree

Another month's end, and you know what that means... time to meet under the tree and talk about our sweet little babies!

If you would like to participate please click here to follow and receive better instructions...

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?

I see Wyatt just as he was when he was here in my arms. The only exception is that his body is now whole and he is growing into a little butterball. He must look so much like his older brother Eli did when he was 2 months old. I can't say that I imagine him as being an angel... as lovely as the idea is, I personally don't believe it. I believe he is being cared for by loved ones that have gone on to heaven, and that he is in the presence of God himself. I imagine Wyatt has seen more in his 61 days of being in heaven, than he would have seen had he lived an entire lifetime here on earth. Really, what could I have possibly been able to show Wyatt that God couldn't? I'm sure the beauty and love I planned to show him pails greatly in comparison to the beauty and love God has already blessed my sweet, sweet baby boy with.

Below is a picture of my oldest son Eli at two months old... This is how I imagine Wyatt today, of course, with a more defined chin like his daddy and a little Elvis curl of his lip! Oh, how I wish I didn't have to imagine...

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

Our loss is new...very new. As much as I would love to hold another baby in my arms, I am scared to death of looking at another child as "Wyatt's Replacement", or even worse, having to carry another baby to term with a fatal diagnosis.

Joseph and I wanted a truck load of kids... we aren't sure anymore. We honestly don't know if we will ever have the courage to try for another child. We are throwing around the idea of foster parenting or adopting later on down the road, but honestly, at this very moment, I can't see us getting pregnant again. Maybe once our hearts have healed a lot more, we may feel differently... Right now it just hurts too much to give it much more thought.

My Ugly Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

My Very Own Angel Website Launch

I would like to take a moment to direct you to a new site that was started by Stephanie Stewart called, "My Very Own Angel". It is a place of support for those who are trying to decide whether they should carry to term once a fatal diagnosis has been received. All of the website's content is 100% supportive of continuing the pregnancy. There is even a place where I submitted my own story on "Why I carried to term". Click here to follow the link and scroll down until you see Wyatt's picture. He is the seventh story from the top.

Here is an exert from her website, explaining how this wonderful place of support for families came about:

How My Very Own Angel Started? Stephanie Stewart planned the pregnancy of her 2nd son Vayden. At an 18 wk routine U/S it was found that Vayden suffered from a rare condition, Lower Urinary Tract Obstruction (LUTO), which affects kidney function, as a result of that, amniotic fluid is low and lung maturity is at risk. Vayden’s kidneys proved to have failed at 22 weeks and there was no amniotic fluid. Stephanie was told that intervention was going to stop and Vayden’s condition was incompatible with life. Given that info, she was also given the choice to terminate. Her faith and support network lead her to carrying to term, praying for a total and complete healing, but preparing for that healing to occur on earth or in heaven. The rest of the pregnancy was spent showing Vayden 100% unconditional love. At 35 wks, Stephanie went into labor and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Vayden James Stewart. Although a struggle Vayden fought a great battle, and lived for 3 hrs 45 min. The time he spent in the womb, and outside the womb he knew nothing but 100 % unconditional love. Although carrying to term was hard, Stephanie feels it was definitely the right decision. She learned so much about herself and her baby in that time. Stephanie was surprised at the out pour of support she had, once she opened her life and Vayden’s story in a public blog. She developed relationships with other families to angels and wonderful organizations that opened their hearts and ears to her, giving her added strength through her journey of carrying to term, and coping with the loss of her baby. Stephanie had a strong need to keep her son’s memory alive while also paying forward the support she received during her time of need. That is when she came up with the idea to donate 345 My Very Own Angel Teddy Bears to OU Children’s hospital and the OU Physicians Perinatal Diagnostic Center, where she and Vayden were so well cared for. The 345 represent the 3 hrs and 45 min Vayden lived. She then decided that since she will not be able to purchase the yearly birthday, Christmas and various holiday gifts for Vayden, instead she would continue the 345 Teddy Bear project and donate 115 teddy bears to 3 other hospital and diagnostic centers in various states, every other year, to be given to mothers who choose to carry to term, suffer later term miscarriages, deliver still born, or lose their little fighters in the NICU. All in Vayden’s memory Only weeks after her loss, Stephanie found that she had an unexplainable peace over her. Life was different without Vayden around and she missed him dearly, but was pleasantly surprised with how she handled the death of her 2nd son. “All things work together for good, to those that love God” Romans 8:28 At a weekend BBQ, around people she didn’t know, Stephanie found herself talking about Vayden , as two women at the table asked her "how many kids do you have?". Her close friend started to answer for her, but Stephanie declined and said “I have two, Vashon, the one running around with the stick, and I have my very own angel , Vayden who passed a couple of weeks ago.” The women paused as their hearts sunk, they replied “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.” Stephanie said “No, don’t be sorry, I’m proud of my angel, and if you don't mind, I can share his story with you…..” That day Stephanie made two new friends, and realized that no women should have to be careful of how they respond to that small talk question How Many Children Do You Have? Your angel is your child, he or she counts in that question, as you were not asked how many living children you have. You were asked how many children you have. A mother’s love never dies. She was so proud of herself that she faced the 1st of many of the How Many Children Do You Have, question, with such grace and maturity, she thought how wonderful it would be if every mommy to an angel would be that proud. Her goal is to open the eyes to so many people who are not even aware of the lasting effect losing a child takes on a person. She came up with the name from her responseMy Very Own Angel and then the t-shirt idea, in hopes that every mother to an angel will wear the shirts on National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness day, Mother’s day, their baby’s Angel ~ Versary, at a support group meeting, and whenever they want to honor their angel.

Vayden James Stewart "Too Perfect For Earth" May 23,2009 - Midnight - 3:45am This is such a great resource for families during such an impossible walk when so many hard decisions need to be made... I wish this site were around as I looked for support during my pregnancy with Wyatt. I wish it were around to direct my family to, so they would better understand how I needed to be supported. This website will help a lot of families, and I just wanted to take the time to send you in it's direction.

When it Rains, It pours...

Today has not been a great day.

For you to follow, I'm going to need to tell you about my last couple of days...

Monday morning started off like any other day. I begrudgingly awoke to the sound of my alarm clock and got the children ready to take Ansley to school. I have no idea what set me off, but tears would not stop their flow as I drove to drop Ansley off for the day.

As I arrived back home, my elderly neighbor from across the way practically chased me down my driveway to talk to me. I did not feel like being sociable in the least. I wanted to take Eli inside the house so we could hide away from the rest of the world until I absolutely had to leave the house again to pick Ansley back up. No such luck.

D had a little black puppy following her as she made her way up my drive way. She said the puppy had been up at her house since that Friday, and wanted to know if he belonged to us. I promptly informed her that "No, he was not ours, and that we didn't need anymore pets."

She continues to chat, and finally remembers that I was expecting a baby and asks if he is in the car... Ouch. I really didn't want to have to go into that story today.

I explained to her what happened and she replied,"Oh, I hate that, but at least since he was a baby, you know he's at rest, he's probably better off..." Yes, thank you, but that still doesn't take away the hurt!

We talked a little more, and as she started to walk away (without the puppy) I asked her if she was going to take the dog back with her. "I suppose he'll follow me back if he wants to", was her reply as she continues to disappear down my driveway. The puppy stayed with me. Great!

To be honest, I really didn't pay the puppy any attention. I didn't want another dog, and I figured he would just run along back to D's house since she had been feeding him. Nope. When I went back outside to feed the other dogs, he was still there.

I caved. I sat down on the steps to pet the puppy and he just climbed up into my lap. I swear my heart melted. It was so nice to have something need me. To have something I could hold in my arms. This puppy needed me, but really, I think I needed him. I needed to be needed.

After I got Joseph warmed up to the idea of keeping the dog, we decided to name him Patton. We went to the store and got him some flea shampoo and puppy food and decided we were going to keep him as an inside dog, as he was doing superior with "puppy training"...

I have to tell you, this puppy has completely won my heart over.

But here's my problem.

Patton has progressively gotten very sick today. After a couple of phone calls, we determined his diagnosis to be Parvo. And he's got it bad. We don't know if he is going to live. I am feeding him liquids every 30 minutes through a syringe because he won't eat or drink, and I'm trying desperately to keep him hydrated. He's not keeping anything down.

I called my grandmother today and told her what was going on, and boy did she get an ear full! I mean really, can I please catch a break here? I'm really trying not to throw my own little pity party here, but this just opens up a lot of very fresh wounds.

I have this puppy here, that I have completely fallen in love with...

I have no idea if he is going to live or die, but I do know that realistically his outcome is looking very grim...

And you may be asking why I haven't taken him to the vet?... Because two weeks ago, you may remember my post about our chocolate lab, Colonel, being hit by a car, which completely cleaned out our bank account... We just don't have the money.

So here I am... Back to trying to mentally prepare myself for the worst, while trying to be hopeful.

I promise I'm not comparing Wyatt to a dog, but my heart just was not ready to handle this... Patton just has to be alright. I can't handle losing another piece of my heart right now... the piece that Wyatt took with him is still pretty much gaping. I would really prefer not to add salt to injury.

Urgent Prayer Request

If you have not had the privilege of meeting Stellan click here. Stellan was supposed to die before or shortly after birth, but when he was born, he was completely healed! A couple months later, he started going into SVT. This poor little guy is fighting for his life right now, and desperately needs your prayers. My heart is hurting for Stellan and his family right now. Sorry this post is so short and jumbled up, but I feel like I need to go get on my knees! Please, If you are reading this, do the same!