Letting Go and Letting God

Surgery Update

2011-03-15T13:02:00.002-04:00

I just wanted to take a second to thank everyone for your thoughts and prayers!

This is my first chance to get on here and update because I have been so out of it. I went into surgery just after 9am yesterday morning and was not even lucid until 7pm that evening. My husband somehow managed to get me home, pick up our other children, and get back home to me before I was even awake enough to realize I was back home in my own bed! The last clear thought I had from yesterday until I woke up in my own bed was kissing Joseph before they wheeled me out of my room to go into surgery.

Dr. Joy said my surgery went very smoothly. When he actually got inside of me, he said I had a TON of scar tissue that had built up around both of my ovaries, my cervix, and around my bowels. There was so much built up that he felt this was no doubt the cause of my pain over the last few months. The scar tissue was a result from my c-secton when I had Wyatt.

Good news, is that Dr. Joy was able to save my ovaries and did not have to do a partial hysterectomy like he thought he might have to do. He was able to successfully remove all the scar tissue that had accumulated, and can I tell you, I feel so much better! Granted, I am still sore from the surgery obviously, but for the first time in a long time I am no longer in constant pain.

He also went ahead with the tubal and thermal ablation. I have mixed feeling about that. It's a relief to not have to worry about pregnancy and the possibility of having another baby with the same condition Wyatt had. At the same time, I'm kind of mourning the kids I still wanted to have. I know we logically made the safest and best decision by having the tubal, but it's hard to accept that at 24 years old, I don't have the option of bearing children ever again. I think it will just take some time to get used to the idea. The only reason I'm okay with this, is because we are 100% sure we will try to adopt in the next couple of years. And if we decide we absolutely want to have another child of our own, surrogacy is still an option thanks to Dr. Joy for saving my ovaries.

I go back to see Dr. Joy in two weeks for my post op check up. I don't know if I will have to worry about scar tissue building up again from this operation, so that will be one of my many questions. Until then though, I'm just going to enjoy being pain free!

Surgery

2011-03-13T12:12:00.004-04:00

This evening, at 6pm, I get to ingest this cherry flavored drink called magnesium citrate. Let me tell you... Not so excited about that... Especially considering the fact that the paper my OBGYN sent along with it added instructions to "stay hydrated because magnesium citrate will cause severe diarrhea as it is intended to clear the digestive tract".

Oh. Joy.

Why am I drinking this? To prepare for surgery tomorrow.

Why am I just now telling you when I've know about this for weeks? Because I felt like Leah and the rest of the Dunn family needed your prayers more. (I hope you are still remembering them in your prayers by the way)

Why am I having this surgery and what type of surgery is this? Well, That's complicated!

I've been having a lot of female problems since the end of November. It's gotten so bad that it's nearly impossible for my husband and I to be intimate because the pain from our encounters can be almost excruciating. Plus, I bleed afterwards and I've never had that problem before.

I'm constantly walking around with pelvic pain. The best way to describe it is that it feels like I've just had a baby. You know how your actual pelvic bones ache after a natural birth? That's how I feel.

I'm also bleeding in some form or another more than I'm not throughout the month. Those symptoms, accompanied by having practically no energy all the time made me get myself to the doctor. He was convinced I was starting to stuffer from endometriosis. He ran all the normal tests. Full blood panel, complete pap, endometrial biopsy, ultrasound, trans vaginal ultrasound... Everything came back fine! So, I'm either going insane or there is something that was missed.

Dr. G (or Dr. Joy as I've taken the liberty to nickname him) thinks there could be a lesion or something that could be causing the pain and wants to do a diagnostic laparoscopy. While he is in there, I am going to have a tubal and a balloon ablation because Joseph and I are confident that having more children is not a wise decision. It's just not fair to us or a future child to attempt another pregnancy knowing there is a 1 in 4 chance of having another baby with the same condition that Wyatt had. As much as I'd love another child of my own, adoption is a better, more logical, option for our family.

So, tomorrow morning at about 7:30 I will be wheeled into the operating room and be put under for this surgery. I'm really nervous because I have never been put under for anything. Not even dental type stuff! The ONLY times I have EVER been in the hospital have been to have my children.

Anyways,..

Providing all goes well, I will get to come home after I wake up and recover at home. Please pray Dr. Joy figures out what is causing all this pain. Intimacy is a big part of marriage and I miss having that connection with my husband. It's very frustrating to want that connection, but not be able to act on it because it hurts to even stand for long periods of time, much less... well, you know...

Update on Baby Leah

2011-03-07T22:20:00.006-05:00

Leah was born with a head full of hair and she was able to spend an hour and 9 minutes with her mommy and daddy before she passed on to her eternal home in heaven. Leah was 15 inches long and weighed in at 5.56 pounds. I'm so thankful God granted this family some quality time together, but my heart aches for them that they had to say goodbye. I will never understand God's plan in this. It's not my place to, I know...but it sure would make accepting his plan a lot easier... maybe.

Please continue to pray for Kim and her family as they face some dark days ahead. Prayer is the best thing you can do for them at this point. Imagine, God gave them a piece of heaven to hold for an hour and then made them give it back for a lifetime. It's going to be a rough road. Please, please, please pray for them!

I Hate This

2011-03-07T02:54:00.002-05:00

I can't sleep.

I feel physically ill to my stomach as I watch time seemingly speed up and slow down all at once.

The closer this sweet family gets to meeting their daughter, the more I am thrown back into the those early, raw days where the only thing that reminded me that I was still alive was this suffocating feeling of helpless desperation that comes from a completely broken heart and soul.

I never had to deal with knowing the exact time I would meet Wyatt. I couldn't imagine how hard it would have been to know days ahead of time that I had mere hours left with my son. My body was simply thrown into labor on its own and I vividly remember screaming out to God as it happened that I wasn't ready. How in the world can anyone be ready to barely meet their baby before having to say goodbye to them for a lifetime?

To quote Kim in the email she sent, she states, "It's weird... I feel a sense of calm right now, but I'm sure that's just the calm before the storm." Well, I pray God keeps his hands on this family and grants them the peace that surpasses all understanding as they head towards the hardest day of their lives.

I know today will be a rough day all around. I hate knowing what this family is in store for if Leah is indeed called to her eternal home. I hate feeling this desperate helplessness creep over me again! I want to kick and scream and berate God for asking another family to go through what ours did. But that won't help...

So instead I'll pray...

I pray God continues to grant peace to Kim and her family. I pray with all my heart this family will get to keep Leah here. And I pray that if she can't stay, that her family will get some beautiful time with Leah before she peacefully passes from her parents arms to Gods.

I also can't sit on my hands and do nothing, so I'm going to ask you guys to do something for Kim and her family...

For any of you that have a child in heaven, you know what it means to see your baby's name in the world. Will you please, over the next couple of days snap a picture of Leah's name and send them to Kim? I don't know if she is comfortable giving out her email address, so if you'd be so kind to send them to my email address, I would be happy to forward them along with your message. My email address is mommy2aews@gmail.com. Thank you in advance for doing this!

Also, if anyone wishes to send cards or flowers to her at the hospital (Her full name is Kimberly Dunn), the hospital information where she will be delivering follows below:

Bayfront Baby Place (Bayfront Medical Center | 701 6th St. S. | Saint Petersburg, FL 33701

Urgent Prayer Request

2011-03-06T13:36:00.002-05:00

I just got a message from Kim asking for prayers for her family. They will be meeting baby Leah via c-section Monday afternoonat around 4:30pm, because Kim's fluid levels are just too high for her to safely continue with the pregnancy.

My heart is torn between being hopeful that God may grant them the miracle I hoped we would receive, and being broken because I know the pain and heartache in store for this sweet family if Leah is called to her eternal home.

Will you please take a minute to pray for them with me?

Will you please set an alarm for 4:30 and take a few minutes to pray for this family Monday afternoon?

Will you also please click here to visit her blog and offer words of encouragement?

Thank you dear blog friends for uplifting this family in thoughts and prays. If I hear anything from her before she is able to post, I will update as long as I have her permission.

This could be REALLY neat!

2011-03-04T22:18:00.004-05:00

This is only free for people in the United States and Canada (from what I've gathered)...

I just discovered this nifty little service that google offers and I'm playing around with it! Apparently, this service called Google Voice allows me the opportunity to record a custom greeting for a widget that I can post on my blog! (Or anywhere else I want to put it for that matter!)

Whats cool about this, is that when you click on the button (which is at the top center of my page below my header), it will ask you for your name and telephone number. It also gives you the option to keep your phone number private. Once you've entered in the information you will want to hit "Connect". A message will then pop up that the call is being connected. (Have your phone close by, because it will be ringing away shortly after you press the "connect" button.)

When you answer your phone it will automatically connect you to my voicemail after a couple of rings.

Then you can listen to my wonderful (okay, it's actually pretty lame and you can tell I was reading it because I really am that terrible with recording messages) pre-recorded greeting. So not only will you get to hear my voice, but I will get a chance to hear yours! We'll be one step closer to be IRL (in real life) friends :) Numbers both ways are completely private (as long as you make sure you check the "keep number private" box as you are placing your call...

I won't have access to your number, and you won't have access to mine. It seems like a pretty "safe" service. And it definitely seems like a neat idea to get to know each other better.

What do you say... Anyone want to give it a try?

Also, if you have a Google Voice account set up, let me know... I'd love to call and say hello to you!

Made for a Princess

2011-02-25T20:27:00.004-05:00

There is a sweet woman whom God has placed in my life, and with her, her sweet baby Leah as well. I first came in contact with her through a comment she left on one of my blog posts. I felt drawn to her family and knew I would be extremely invested in their lives even from hundreds of miles away.

You see, Kim is probably a lot like you and I...

She is happily married.

She has a adorable son named Bryce.

And she is getting to be very pregnant (no pun intended) with here baby daughter.

Sounds pretty normal, right?

Unfortunately, I have to add to the above, that her baby daughter Leah was handed the same diagnosis as my sweet Wyatt.

Thanatophoric Dysplasia. (For those of you that are new here, it is a rare and lethal form of dwarfism that effects all the long bones. What makes it lethal is that the heart and lungs will be normal size, but the ribs will be short and compressed. If the heart can't beat properly and the lungs can't expand, there is nothing that can be done medically to treat and save a baby with TD. The only consolation offered is the knowledge that we serve a loving God, who just so happens to be "the great physician" and can offer this nifty little thing called "eternal life".)

Kim is 30+ weeks with little Leah and my heart hurts for her family. I remember being where she is. I remembering wanting to stay pregnant forever so that I would never have to say good-bye to Wyatt... Then in the next breath I'd be begging God to just let it be over with because it was just too much to bear... and then, before the thought was even over with, be back to begging God to let me stay pregnant forever with Wyatt safely tucked inside my belly!

Guys, Gals, If you get a second, can you please head over and offer some encouragement and prayers... Just click HERE.

Anyways, as soon as Kim contacted me through my blog, I knew immediately there was something I was supposed to do for her...

I'd mentioned before about being upset because I didn't think to send in my wedding dress to have a bereavement gown made out of it for Wyatt. It was already too late by the time I stumbled across the idea. Well, it wasn't too late for Leah... Except, I didn't send my dress in anywhere. I tried it on (yes it zipped!) and I may have twirled around in my dress on last time before taking a pair of scissors to it.

Every last bit of the dress was made from my wedding dress with love for a sweet little girl. I've never felt more like a princess than I did in my wedding dress and it is my hope that Leah will be able to feel like a princess too.

Here are some pictures of the finished dress...
Here is Eli posing in front of the dress!

Here it is all cut up! (I have to admit I was feeling a bit sick to my stomach at this point)

Here it is Mostly put together...

The front still looks a little plain at this point. I wasn't happy! Not Princess-y enough...

And here's the bottom panel of the dress...

Here are some back views of the dress...

And here is one of Ansley's bunnies modeling the dress...

And here's what's crazy... Kim had no idea I tried the dress on a bunny to make sure it would work for sizing and so that I could get some pictures of it. I just read on her blog that they built baby Leah a baby bunny at build-a-bear!

There is still more to this story, but I feel like the rest is Kim's story to tell if she so chooses. But can I just say that God leaves no room in her family's story to even question that his hands are ever present and steadfast on their lives.

...And I'm still hoping Kim and her family get the miracle that ours hoped for!

Kimberly from "A Person's a Person, No Matter How Small"

2010-12-29T21:43:00.002-05:00

Thank you for your comment. I tried to leave you a comment but it won't let me leave one and I feel like I have a few things I'm being led to say to you. Please email me at mommy2aews@gmail.com

Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray Leah feels how much she is loved each day you are blessed with her presence.

((((Big Hugs to you))))

Ansley and her Cheerleader Friends!

2010-12-29T21:03:00.005-05:00

I believe I've mentioned before that I have been coaching a group of 9 pre-k and kindergarten girls for cheerleading this basketball season. Its been interesting, but the girls are a hoot. Each one of the girls are full of personality and I am so proud of each and every one of them.

Of course, Ansley is the reason I agreed to coach the squad. It's something she really wanted to do and I was happy to coach so that I could be a part of that with her. Believe it or not, I used to be a cheerleader back in the day :) It's heartwarming to see Ansley enjoying something that I used to enjoy as well.

Without further adieu, here are some Awwwwwww- worthy pictures from our first half of cheerleading and some from the Christmas parade the girls were in...

Can you believe I'm just now posting Halloween?

2010-12-29T20:16:00.004-05:00

Of course we had to dress Wyatt's elephant up for Halloween this year! And what better than a Marine just like his daddy!

And then look at our cute little pea pod!

I L-O-V-E seeing Joseph eyes light up when he looks at our kids and it melts my heart to see our kids eyes light back up in return!

This is the ONLY picture I managed to snap of Eli with his costume on. HE REFUSED to keep it on!

Look at my sweet little man with his big brothers elephant!

And then my sweet little girl! Her costume was a white bridesmaids dress mailed to me by my dear friend Celia. With permission I added some material, made some sleeves and before you knew it we had this sweet little angel costume!

And isn't this just too cute? This is Ansley and her little boyfriend! They've been an item since practically the beginning of the school year. They have a date planned when school starts back up... dinner and a movie... oh my!

Family Ornaments

2010-12-29T19:54:00.004-05:00

Finchum Family 2010

Finchum Family 2009

Wyatt's Second Christmas in heaven ornament I had custom made. You can see the custom one I had made for his first Christmas here.

Seth's First Christmas Ornament

Ansley's First Christmas 2006

Ansley 2007

Ansley 2008

Ansley 2009

Ansley 2010 - The cheerleader is even in her cheerleading uniform colors!

Eli's first Christmas 2007

Eli 2008

Eli 2009

Eli 2010

/

It's growing!

2010-12-29T19:46:00.002-05:00

My elephant collection, that is! See!

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T09:45:00.000-05:00

From our family to yours...

Making Way for the Next Generations

2010-11-22T15:05:00.004-05:00

Let me just warn you ahead of time that this post could possibly be offensive to some people. However, I have some things I need to get off of my chest. So, in advance, I apologize if this offends anyone, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Do any of you get the look when you talk about your baby that died? You know which look I'm referring to don't you... the look that makes you think, "What? Is my hair on fire?"

I hate that everyone acts so uncomfortable when I talk about Wyatt. I either get a squirmy silence, while the person I am talking to starts turning blue from lack of oxygen because apparently either A.) They are afraid baby cooties (you know, the kind that will make one of their babies or loved ones die) will rub off on them. Or B.) The topic of my son and the fact that he ever existed reeks so much that they would rather pass out from oxygen deficiency.

Then, I get the people that go into a trance until I am finished mentioning my sons name. They seriously look like they are daydreaming about being anywhere and talking about anything else as long as it doesn't have anything to do with my baby. When I finally finish, it never fails, they come right out of their trance and change the subject to something stupid. "So how about this weather?". "Did you hear about what happened with so and so?". "Well, I guess I better get going".

And don't you just L-O-V-E the people that you know see you and purposely pretend they didn't? They will catch a glimpse of you and literally turn their backs to you and go the opposite direction. Because, Lord forbid I might actually say the name WYATT.

I've talked about this to one of my family members (who has been great through all this) and her explanation was "Well sweetie, they are probably just scared they are going to make you uncomfortable, or worse, that they might make you cry. You know, they are probably uncomfortable too. Death makes people uneasy..."

INSERT SCREAM.

NOW PULLING ALL THE HAIR OUT OF MY HEAD.

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY SON! I WOULDN'T BRING HIM UP IF I DIDN'T!!!!!

Does it really not register with these people that they are making me uncomfortable? Do they not realize that when I do cry most of the time anymore, it's not because I've talked about my son... It's because they acted like he never existed...

It's because they treat me like an outcast for loving my son...

It's because they can't understand that I'm still proud of Wyatt and I want to share him with the world like I do my other children...

So what If I bring him up and I've already told you the same story about his life ten million other times. I got cheated out of a lifetime with him here on earth. He lived for two minutes, he died, and I had his body to hold and snuggle for three days. When his earthly body was no more, that's where the stories of my time with him stopped too.

So forgive me if I tell you ten times how sweet his little feet were... How they were exactly 1 3/4 inches long and 3/4 of an inch wide...

Forgive me if I tell you fifty times how much I enjoyed the warmth of his body against my cheek...

Forgive me if I tell you a million times what a miracle it was to see his chest breath in the same air I was breathing...

Forgive me if I show you his picture a zillion times... It's my way of reminding myself that Wyatt wasn't a bittersweet dream, but that he was really here and he was really mine however briefly that may have been.

This post isn't really directed to any one person, but it's a blanket letter to everyone who has treated me, my family, my Wyatt, with any less respect than we deserve. I won't stop talking about Wyatt. Never, ever, ever. I'm a proud mom to ALL FOUR of my children. Maybe if all of in the baby loss community keep talking about our babies, twenty years from now the next generation will accept it as an ordinary part of their lives.

Think about this. Twenty years ago, were same sex relationships, interracial relationships, or having a baby out of wedlock acceptable? NO WAY! But people kept standing up for what they believed in and here we are twenty years later and our generation looks at these situations as no big deal. We were raised around that.

Maybe talking about our babies that died will be just as acceptable in our childrens generation. Maybe I'll have to endure being uncomfortable now, but I hope for the day when women can freely talk about their baby that has passed without feeling like an outcast. We loved our baby just like an other mother. We birthed our baby just like any mother. Unfortunately it didn't stop there. We had to bury our baby too. That is all that separates us from the other mothers.

Thank God death has no power over love.

Making

2010-11-22T15:05:00.000-05:00

Guess what Ansley can do?

2010-11-11T18:23:00.004-05:00

She can spell and write her name all by herself!

She also wrote this "I love you" on her daddy's birthday card with a little help from Mommy with the spelling!

Speaking of Joseph's birthday... Look what the kids baked up for their daddy in their handy dandy easy bake oven!

Yummy!

October 15th

2010-11-11T18:01:00.005-05:00

I REALLY didn't forget about October 15th. Again, this blasted wacky internet! Oh well. At least it's working for the time being.

The kids and I lit a candle for Wyatt as well as all the other babies that have gone on to heaven too soon.

We also did a balloon release right before 7:00. And may I add that it was a BEAUTIFUL day here in Eastern Tennessee!

I also tried to squeeze in a little photo shoot of the kids but NONE of them were cooperating. Not even Wyatt's elephant! Oh well. I tried!

Happy Belated October 15th to everyone.

Photo Pendants from Heather :)

2010-11-11T17:37:00.004-05:00

Heather Mohr was kind enough to create these gorgeous photo pendants for Ansley and I. Heather creates these pendants in loving memory of her sweet daughter Madelyn and she does beautiful work. You can really see the heart she puts into each pendant she makes. We both love our pendants and wear Wyatt close to our hearts each day. Thank you so much Heather. Below is a video of me surprising Ansley with her necklace. Her face is priceless! She had no idea what she was getting!

The many faces of Seth

2010-11-11T17:25:00.007-05:00

Here's some yumminess to sweeten up your day!

Day Trip

2010-11-11T16:54:00.004-05:00

Horray! I am finally able to sit down in front of a my computer and tether my phone to the internet long enough to get pictures to upload!!! Yay for tiny miracles :)

I have so much I want to post and catch up but I'm not sure how long my phone will keep signal so I will have to be brief.

Over the weekend I got to visit with Celia and Gabriel. I WAS SO NICE! We met about halfway (although poor Celia ended up driving a bit further than I had to).

We really didn't do much of anything, but it was nice to switch babies and cuddle them for a while. Speaking of the boys... aren't they adorable together?

We of course didn't forget to bring Noah's Tiger and Wyatt's elephant along for the trip. (We really didn't take the stuffed animals shopping with us. I just thought it made a cute photo opt as we were getting ready yo head back home.)

Once again, it was SO NICE spending the day with my dear friend and her deliciously chunky little monkey! I LOVE his ROLLS! I mean look at him! And how cute is it that the boys look like they were trying to hold hands?!

The trip was way too fast, but I had to drive through the snow and needed to make sure I had daylight to make it home through the mountains. I think Gabriels face in the following picture sums up the sentiments of how we felt about heading home... LOL!

Still here

2010-11-01T11:28:00.002-04:00

Hello! I know it's been forever, but we gave up our internet at the house because hughesnet was costing us $80 a month for internet that was barely faster than dial up. We got tired of paying that much for service that left so much to be desired. So, I'm still here. We're all doing okay. And I miss you guys. I try to get on and tether my phone as often as possible, but our reception at home is questionable so I never know when or how long I will actually manage to stay online. Please know that even though I may seem absent on my blog, I am still reading and praying for you all.

Mr. Personality

2010-09-21T19:25:00.003-04:00

I entered the picture below into the week 38 photo challenge for iheartfaces.com. This weeks challenge was "smirk" and I couldn't resist sharing this sweet little picture I took of Seth when he was but one week old.

I am SO Blessed!

2010-09-16T18:07:00.005-04:00

I love it how you can be having "one of those days"... (you know, the kind where your running low on energy and patience and running high on emotions, tears, and frustration ready to boil over at any second) when all of a sudden something out of the blue pretty much smacks you in the face with how blessed of a life you truly have. Today, I had one of those moments. I went from having that feeling that I just wanted to pull every last hair out of my head to having a deep rooted appreciation for my life.

Ansley had her first homework assignment and it was to draw a picture of her family. I had her sitting at the table working on it and the puppy goes to the bathroom in his crate about the same time that Eli slams a door which caused a glass vase to fall off a shelf and shatter while Ansley comes up and is tugging on my shirt saying "Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. MOM-EEEEEEEEE."

At this point I'm ready to scream. "What?" I turn around and ask Ansley. "Mommy is trying to clean up this glass so you guys don't get hurt. Will you PUH-LEASEEEE just wait a second." I hurt her feelings. But she went back to the table and waited.

When I finally got the glass cleaned up, I went over to see what she needed and she told me she needed help making some stars because she didn't know how to do it. At which point I tell her she didn't need stars because she was supposed to be drawing picture of her family... not stars.

This is where I got God pretty much smacked me upside the head.

"But Mommy," Ansley said, "I have to draw the stars that Wyatt plays with in heaven! I need you to draw them for me!". As I looked at her picture of our family, this is what I saw...

She explained that our family was on the ground because that is where we live and we are holding hands because we love each other. She said that Wyatt lived in heaven on a cloud and was playing with the stars (that I drew for her), but that we were going to send him a red balloon because heaven was too far to hold his hand too, but we wanted Wyatt to know that we love him so that's why we sent him the red balloon with all of our hugs and kisses in it. Oh, and baby Seth is so small and he wasn't allowed to have a nose because he is "so so little". However, Ansley informed me that baby Seth can have a nose when he is bigger like Eli.

Wow! Could a mother's heart be any more full? What a sweet and thoughtful little girl I have. I am truly thankful for my family and I'm blessed to have those trying moments where I want to pull my hair out because that means I still have three of my children here to love and take care of. These children of mine are the reason I get out of bed in the morning and I need to take better care to remember that when I feel myself getting frustrated.

On a different note, today was Ansley's very first picture day at school. The picture will go in the yearbook and I can't wait to see it! She looked soooo cute this morning. I even let her wear some make-up because according to her "she had to look like a beautiful princess for the picture man".

This sweet looking little Eli has been stirring up all kinds of trouble lately. I know, how could a face like this...

... stir up any kind of mischief? He looks like such an angel... oh wait... this is more like it...

Anyways, I think this cute little monster has hit his terrible two's a little late. Or maybe I just got lucky and he skipped the terrible two's but is moving on the trying three's a little early. What's funny is that Joseph and I can't help but laugh when he's being a stinker, because he looks so darn cute doing it! Here's an example of his handy work. He took away baby Seth's pacifier and decided he was going to "make baby Seth pretty".

I stopped him after the first sticker, but he had a whole pack ready to go. And he kept trying to sneak them on Seth when I wasn't looking.

Speaking of cute, guess what Eli and I saw across from our yard this morning after dropping Ansley off at school. DEER! And I happened to have my camera! Picture one is of the deer just standing there. Picture two they start running off, and in picture three, you'll see why they run away!

Don't worry, the deer were too fast for Mr. Gunny!

For good measure, this is always a great way to end a post...

Project 52- Week 2

2010-09-16T18:03:00.002-04:00

The highlight of this past week has been an ice cream cupcake party with Ansley's class on Friday, Joseph's last day as a Marine, and lots of time being silly and enjoying each others company. I am really blessed with a wonderful family!

Ansley

2010-09-12T15:11:00.006-04:00

Oh miss Ansley Joy! You are becoming such a big girl...

Your making friends...

Roping mommy into making special ice cream cone cupcakes for your class this past Friday...

Eli got to join in too!

Getting your first boyfriend (If you listen closely you'll hear Joseph breaking into a cold sweat!), and then having mommy find out from your teacher that you two were trying to hold hands and had to be told that was a no-no...

According to your little boyfriends mother, H thinks you walk on water and you have him wrapped around your little finger! It looks like you think he's pretty great too...

Your drawing your shapes so well...

And very soon, you will be a cheerleader for your school. (Pray for me please, I will be a cheerleading coach for pre-k through 1st grade with the help of another mom who is almost 7 months pregnant!)

And look at you with your daddy. I love the way your eyes sparkle when you look at him.

They don't stay little long...

Last Day as a Marine

2010-09-12T14:23:00.002-04:00

Joseph will no longer be in the Marine Corps. as of tonight at 11:59 pm (on September 11, 2010).

(UPDATE: I wrote this last night but couldn't get pictures to post due to weather so he is already officially out of the Marine Corps... but that doesn't mean you have to stop reading!)

It's hard to believe that Joseph's six years has already gone by. It's kind of sad to think that I will no longer be able to say, "My husband is a Marine". I've always been so proud of my husband for serving even though the deployments scare me to death and the separations during training and schooling is hard on our family. Even when he was gone, I always felt a sense of security for knowing that my husband was out there somewhere helping to keep myself, my kids, my family, my friends, and complete strangers safe and free. It takes a special person to be in the military and that quality is part of the reason I fell in love with him. Well, that and the fact that on a sad day for Joseph, he still thought to surprise me with a beautiful red rose! Who wouldn't fall in love with a man in uniform showing up to your door with a rose and a sincere embrace? Thank you honey! You still take my breath away. I love you.

In honor of Joseph's last official day as a Marine (although I thoroughly believe in the motto "Once a Marine, always a Marine"), I drug him outside to do a 5 minute mini photo shoot.

Don't think Joseph is through with the military though. Although Joseph's heart will always be in the Marine Corps, he will be going active duty in the Navy within the next month or so. Wow! That will take some getting used to. I'm sssooooo going to miss Joseph's dress blues :( However, I'm proud of Joseph for getting out of the branch he loves to go to go to a different branch where he has the opportunity to get some free schooling and life skills he can use after his career in the military. He's either going to nuclear engineering school or going the medical route. Please, if you don't mind, can you head over to my husbands blog (yes, he has a blog that he NEVER writes on) and leave him some encouragement(I'll have him check his blog tonight). He's been kind of down since he got home yesterday. I'd appreciate it, and I know he will too.

So let me end with saying for the last official time... I love my Marine!

Projects and Elephants

2010-09-12T12:24:00.008-04:00

I have always wanted to learn how to sew. It seemed like such a practical skill to have. I was so disappointed in high school that they didn't offer Home Ec. or sewing classes. I've even tried to find places around the area that offered sewing classes to no avail.

So I took matters into my own hands and have been teaching myself through youtube videos how to sew. And I'm so glad I have! I'm really enjoying it. It's so neat to turn nothing but fabric into something useful.

I'm especially loving that I can turn Joseph's old polo shirts into shirts for Eli and you can't even tell it used to be a mans shirt! And it melts my heart a little bit to see Joseph's old shirts on his mimi me. I swear Eli is Joseph's clone 20 years later. Anyways, he's Eli wearing one of Joseph's repurposed shirts...

I've also taken one of Joseph's old dress shirts and turned it into a dress for Ansley! (Don't worry, Joseph still has clothes to wear. These were shirts that were destined for Goodwill)

Here's the before. (Sorry, I had already started hacking away before I thought to take a picture)

And the after.

But I wasn't thrilled. It was too plain for my little diva. So I made some fabric rose embellishments and a coordinating headband and Voila!

I couldn't have a happier 4 year old! She's already begging to wear her "beautiful daddy's shirt" to school tomorrow :)

I've also made some other skirts and dresses for Ansley. (I don't have pics of them all)

And I've tried my hand with some embellishing to make Seth this super cute tie onesie.

But my favorite of all is the skirt I made Ansley that I was able to make coordinating ties for all the boys. Yes, I made a tie for Eli, Seth, and Wyatt's elephant! Oh, and I also made a coordinating headband for Ansley. I can't wait to do a photo shoot in these! I'm thinking khaki pants with white shirts and the boys in their ties...

Next on my list are some tops for Ansley to wear to school and maybe an apron for yours truly. Either way, I'm a sewing machine! Ha. Get it? Sewing Machine. Me.

I know, I 'm really not that funny... I get points for trying though, right?!

Anyways, This is kind of off topic, but I wanted to share my growing elephant collection with you.

I've added this adorable tea pot.

This elephant statue.

And this set for sugar and creamer.

Hope you have a blessed day. Thanks for stopping by!

All About Seth!

2010-09-12T11:31:00.007-04:00

Little man is getting HUGE. And he's developing a personality that is just as big. He is/has been such a huge blessing to our family.

I'm loving that he smiles all the time. Especially when I put my face close to his. His eyes light up when he sees me and he tries to "talk" to me with all his coos and sweet little gurgles.

He's also discovered his hands. He seems happier sucking on his fingers anymore than he does with his pacifier. I've never had a baby that preferred their fingers... until now, it seems.

Little man had his first feeding of baby foot yesterday. Mixed grain cereal with some sweet potatoes. He LOVED it. I just tried to feed him some plain cereal and he wouldn't hear of it until I added in the sweet potatoes. He is definitely his fathers child!

Seth does scare me to death with one of the habits he's developed though. He pulls his blanket over his face when he's sleepy and that is how he wants to sleep. I'm so scared he is going to suffocate himself! The first time he did it I about had a heart attack. I just knew when I pulled the blanket back that he would be blue! Thank goodness I was wrong. For now, I let him keep the blanket over his face until he falls asleep and then I move it down.

Oh well. Only (almost) three months old and is already finding ways to keep me on my toes!

Project 52- My Version of Project 365

2010-09-06T09:00:00.004-04:00

NOTE: (If you click on the above image it will enlarge so you can read the captions if you want)

Okay, so I have been L-A-Z-Y lately as far as blogging. Honestly, any spare time I have is being divided amongst the children. Ansley with school. Eli with "homeschooling". Seth with cuddling. And I'm still trying to muddle though my grief. Having Seth has been wonderful for my heart, but it has also brought on a whole new element to my grief that I had not accounted for.

Some of the new areas I'm dealing with in my grief are guilt. I kiss Seth and feel guilty because I can't do that to Wyatt. So I kiss Seth twice and think quietly to Wyatt "that kiss was for your my angel". Or when I play with Seth's long arms or legs I get teary because I remember thinking when they told us that Wyatt had some type of dwarfism (before we knew it was lethal) that I didn't care if he were born with arms and legs that were barely there, I couldn't wait to kiss them.

Then, the other aspect I am trying to figure out is how to come to terms with the fact that I will never have my complete family together this side of heaven. Before we had Seth, I could say that my entire family was complete for the two minutes that Seth lived and was here. But now, Seth is here and I want to weep every time I sit down and look at my three children. It breaks my heart in a whole new way that Seth is here and there is this gap between my children that shouldn't be there. Can I just have two more minutes to snuggle all four of my babies and maybe snap a quick picture? sigh...

Well, all that is actually off topic of the reason I actually wanted to write a new post. My original reason was to introduce an idea I am going to introduce in an attempt to make myself blog at least once a week.

I've always been intrigued by the Project 365. I've even tried doing it a few times but I don't think I've made it past two weeks before I forgot to take a picture for the day. So, I am doing my own version of it Called Project 52. I'll do a photo collage as a recap of our week with the photos highlighting the special or funny things that happen in that week. I think I can handle once a week better than having to remember a daily picture. I don't know about you, but life just gets too busy for me. So here is Week One of my Project 52.

By the way, thanks for putting up with the little pity party I threw for myself at the beginning of this post. I know I am incredibly lucky to have Seth here (as well as Ansley and Eli)... I just can't believe this is my life sometimes. My life would be so close to perfect if Wyatt were here too. I just miss him.

Look Who Came to Visit!

2010-09-03T16:19:00.008-04:00

Considering it has almost been two weeks since she was here, I guess I'm a little behind on telling you about my visit with Celia.

I was SO thrilled to have her come stay with me. It was an added bonus that she brought William to play with my munchkins... and of course, baby Gabriel! I actually got to hold him and cuddle on that sweet baby this time around! I haven't posted on my visit to go see her in the hospital after she had Gabriel because I brought my camera and forgot to make sure my SD card was in it. I was ticked! There I was meeting this sweet new baby and I couldn't even take his picture! Anyways, Celia has posted about it on her blog if you are interested in reading about it just click here.

Celia and I swapped babies for a while and just loved on them. Seth felt so big after holding Gabriel for a while! Well, I guess that could be because he is getting big...

These little boys...

...are going to be best friends and they just don't know it yet! Aren't they cute?!

The kids also had a blast playing together. They have become fast friends and Ansley and Eli were less than thrilled when William had to go home on Sunday.

This is kind of off topic, but I have mentioned in a past post that we recently got a new puppy named Winston.

Well, we got Winston two days before Celia arrived and I believe it's safe to say that he was very well received by all the children. (NOTE: Eli would not be still long enough for me to get a picture of him with Winston.)

Even Seth...

We also put Seth and Gabriel in the matching outfits that Sarita sent us while we were still pregnant with them. They looked so precious, but don't take my word for it. See for yourself.

Of course we had to get a picture of all the kids together along with Noah's tiger and Wyatt's elephant...

And these stuffed animals represent the two sweet little boys that brought Celia and I together...

It was a wonderful weekend. I am already counting down the days until we can get back together again!

A family portrait with Wyatt

2010-09-03T09:24:00.005-04:00

I have been really bothered lately with the idea that I don't care for the one and only family picture we were able to get after Wyatt was born. I wish I had thought to hire a photographer to do family portraits in addition to the NILMDTS pictures we had taken. But, we all know there is no way to change those precious couple of days so I decided to make my own by compiling pictures together from that time frame. I'm pretty satisfied with the way they turned out. It's not the real thing, but it's better than what I had. I used a few different effects to give the picture some different looks...

NOTE: Seth is not in this picture because this is supposed to be a family picture to capture our family as it was last year.

Also, I wanted to do a picture to add to Wyatt's name gallery in honor of his 15 month anniversary of living and going to heaven. I added words into his name that had meaning to me like 2 minutes, elephants, son, brother, loved, missed, dear, heaven sent, life, cherished, and so on... This is what I came up with.

I'm still here!

2010-08-25T18:02:00.007-04:00

Once again I have been away long enough that I have had some sweet bloggy friends email me to make sure everything was alright. Sorry everyone!

Let me start off with saying that my immediate family is fine. However, we've been dealing with some other tragedies as of late and it's kept me away form the computer.

First of all, my husbands nana (from his mother's side) had to undergo open heart surgery. We made a rushed trip down to Florida to see her before she went in. We originally thought it was going to have to be a triple or quadruple bypass but she ended up just needing a double. Although she is still weak and recovering, I am happy to report that she is doing well.

Next, my husband's other nana (from his father's side) passed away last week and she lives all the way in Oklahoma. That just so happens to be an 18 hour drive ONE WAY! It makes me sick to say that I wasn't able to go with Joseph because of the kids and Ansley's school schedule, but I've been down lately because of nana's passing. Is it weird that I am also slightly jealous that she is in heaven with Wyatt right now? There are so many people that I love that have gone to heaven already. It makes me long that much more for the day that I will join them. What a wonderful reunion day that will be...

Also, my 20 year old brother Philip was in a motorcycle accident on Friday involving a tree and no helmet. He's in a coma right now and they are not sure how much brain damage he may have suffered. We're hanging in limbo right now and saying tons of prayers for his recovery. Your prayers would be appreciated.

On top of all that, we're dealing with Ansley starting school and a bunch of possible changes in our family.

On a lighter note, not everything has been bad here lately.

Ansley is loving school. Here's some pictures of her first day...

And look who comes to school to keep Ansley company during the day...

As far as possible changes, Joseph is getting things squared away to go full time Active duty military instead of reserves. He's seriously considering an inner service transfer from the Marine Corps. to the Navy which means there is no telling where in the world our family will be 6 months from now.

I've just been a bit overwhelmed lately which is why I've stayed away. I didn't want to sound like I was whining. I've been trying out the tactic "If I don't think about it I don't have to deal with it", and it's not working. So, I'm back! Plus, I can't have you guys worrying about me!

The kids are doing good. Like I said before, Ansley is LOVING school. And Eli is LOVING that Ansley is gone during the day. And you wouldn't believe how big Seth has gotten. At his 2 month check up he was 9 pounds 9 ounces and 22.75 inches long. Oh, and guess what!?! Seth is smiling and cooing now! I can't seem to get a picture of his full smile. These are the closest I've gotten to him smiling.

I've gotten plenty of him making weird faces...

But none of that brilliant smile I love so much. I'll keep trying.

I'll do a more in depth update full with pictures soon, but for now here are some pictures of the kids.

And introducing the newest member of our family... Meet Winston! Our cute little dapple dachshund!

2010-07-23T08:45:00.001-04:00

Gabriel Alexander Barnes was born at 7:56 am. He came out crying which is great! He weighs 6 pounds 7 ounces and is 19 inches long. Both mommy and baby are okay so far but both are still in the operating room. Phillip will call and let me know more as soon as he gets out.

Celia is Being Prepped

2010-07-23T06:45:00.000-04:00

Celia is going to be prepped for her c-sectiion any second now. Her hubby will text me and so I can update when they get out of the operating room. Please pray if you're up!!!

No Baby Today

2010-07-21T13:53:00.002-04:00

The results from Celia's amnio showed that Xander's lungs are not mature so unless Celia has another bleeding episode between now and Friday, Xander will stay put until then. Please pray his lungs mature over the next couple of days with help form the steroid shots Celia will receive today and tomorrow. Thanks for the prayers everyone!

Game Plan for Celia

2010-07-21T10:05:00.001-04:00

I haven't updated on here yet, but have been keeping Celia's blog updated. She is back in the hospital and is there for the remainder of her pregnancy, but the good news is this...

We finally have a game plan!

Celia is probably in the process of getting an amnio as I type this. They are checking on Xander's lung maturity and if he is ready they will be delivering him today at 34 weeks and 3 days. That is option #1.

Option #2 is that his lungs are not ready, in which case Celia will be given a steroid shot today and tomorrow to help Xander's lungs along and he will be delivered by Friday. Obviously, this option is the best we can hope for at this point because Xander will have two more days to prepare for his big day.

Option #3 is that in the event that Celia starts bleeding again between the amnio and Friday, Xander will be delivered immediately.

Please pray the amnio goes smoothly and without complications. Amnios are no fun!

Celia is taking this one step at a time. She said everyone is just in disbelief at this point and that this whole experience seems surreal. She's not freaking out at the moment and said she probably wouldn't freak out until they actually say, "Okay, lets have a baby now!". The nurse talking with her and Phillip about the NICU has Celia on edge a bit, but everyone agrees that it is better for Xander to have a rough start in the NICU than for him to not get a start at all. And they told her she would be wheeled directly from the operating room to the NICU so she could see Xander. I know it made her feel better knowing she would get to see him almost immediately after delivery.

Please keep Celia and her family in your prayers over the next few days. The best thing you can do for them right now is pray, pray, pray. I'll keep you updated as I know more.

Update: Celia has had the amnio and everything went great. She is being monitored now.

I Left my Treasures Unguarded

2010-07-18T18:52:00.003-04:00

I'm feeling pretty crappy right now. I don't normally like using that word... but, that's the best way I can describe myself right now.

Normally, when I'm going away overnight, I'll take all of Wyatt's stuff with me. I take his elephant, hair clipping, blanket, his urn... I take everything! Well, this time I decided that I was going to try to take a big step and leave everything at home because we will be back home on Wednesday afternoon. The only thing I brought with me was Ansley's "Wyatt's" Elephant instead of the original. And of course, I brought Wyatt's urn. I figured as long as I brought "Wyatt" with me I'd be fine. HA!

What a great idea Danielle! Not!

Here I am three hours from home and all I can think about are Wyatt's things that I wish I had packed. And by the time we get to our destination there will be 700 miles and about 11 hours separating me from Wyatt's things. I'm having images of our house up in flames and every tangible treasure I keep of Wyatt's being gone forever. I wish we could turn around and get them. I will never leave the house overnight without them again (unless we get an unbreakable fireproof safe... and I probably still wouldn't). My stomach gets in bigger knots the further I get from our home. I know it's silly to be upset over "things", but when it's all you have left...

This is going to be a long couple of days. So I'll keep paying a little something like this:

God, please don't let the house burn down.

...or get flooded

...or robbed

...or taken over by wild animals.

And if by some chance any of the above or something I forgot to mention happens to our home, Lord, will you please keep my treasures safe?

Celia Update {Friday Morning}

2010-07-16T09:20:00.002-04:00

The doctor finally came in this morning and told Celia she could go home on strict bed rest. Her contractions are anywhere from 1-6 minutes apart but her bleeding has stopped. Doctor did say that whether he sees her again this afternoon or anytime after and she has another bleeding episode, that is when they will most likely go ahead and deliver. Hopefully, Celia can at least make it until the 3rd which is when they were planning on delivering Monkey if his lungs were mature enough...

I told Celia I would give a quick update because she's exhausted and is ready to crash into bed as soon as she gets home. It's been a nerve wracking night for both her and Phillip. Again, your prayers are deeply appreciated. Please continue to pray for Xander's safe and healthy arrival.

Update on Celia and Xander

2010-07-16T00:46:00.001-04:00

I just got off the phone with Celia. She's tired you guys. And trying to nurse a migraine on top of everything else. Poor thing. Just what she needs...

As far as the contractions go, she is still having them every 1-3 minutes and the meds they have given her aren't really doing anything. However, her bleeding has pretty much almost stopped. Monkey's heart rate is in the 140's and he is driving the nurses crazy because he keeps running away from the monitor. Celia said they are having to come in about every 20 minutes or so to "find" Monkey again! What a blessing that Xander is doing great with everything going on.

There is still no word on whether or not Xander will be delivered soon or not. Celia was given the go ahead to eat something so her guess is that they most likely won't be delivering tonight unless contractions or bleeding get worse.

That's all I know right now. I will call in the morning to get another update, and if something happens in the meantime either Celia or Phillip will call me so I can keep everyone updated. Please continue to pray. I know it's scary for them to be dealing with so many unknowns at the moment.

Prayers for Celia and Baby

2010-07-15T17:29:00.004-04:00

Please be in prayer for my dear friend Celia. She has been admitted to the hospital for bleeding and contractions and if they haven't gotten both stopped by this evening there is talk that they will deliver Xander by c-section tonight.

Celia seems to be doing okay, but is just trying to process everything right now. She is only 33 weeks and 4 days so Xander's lung development could be an issue. Please pray first and foremost that the doctors can get both the bleeding and contractions to stop. However, if it's Gods will for Xander to make his entrance this evening please also pray that he will do beautifully despite being born so early. I know Celia, Phillip, and their family deeply cherish and appreciate your prayers. I will keep you updated as I learn more through out the day.

I would have preferred flowers... {Answer to Giveaway}

2010-07-12T19:47:00.003-04:00

There have been some really great guesses with this little guessing game. I really didn't think anyone would guess what I found in our coat closet, but I was surprised that a couple of you guessed correctly after I gave the hint that my husband was in the Marine Corps.

Before I tell you what exactly it was that I found, I want to share the story leading up to finding it. You all will get a great laugh at my expense, but it's just way to funny not to share with you.

I was really deep cleaning the house when I got the brilliant idea to clean out the closet by our front door. It's been f-o-r-e-v-e-r since that closet has been cleaned out and since we keep the kids toy bin in there it was in desperate need of a good cleaning.

As I was getting everything out, I pulled out a grocery bag that had a few of Joseph's military items in it. No big deal. I'm always finding his military gear everywhere! I pull out one of his tan belts, a toothbrush, a couple of canteens, and a pair of his green socks before my hand hits something cold. I grab it, pull it out of the bag, and scream out loud "OHHhhh My Gosh" as my heart nearly leaps out of my chest. I screamed so loudly as a matter of fact, that Ansley hears me from the other end of the house and yells "Mommy, are you okay?". "Sure honey", I replied, but I was far from okay. I think you would have been ready to have a full blown heart attack too if you'd pulled this out of your coat closet...

Did I mention the kids toy bin was in this same closet?

Anyways, I just wanted that thing out of my house and away from kids! I tip toed to the front door, down the front steps, and out into our yard to where our truck was parked. I very carefully set the grenade in the floor board of the truck before closing the door as softly as I could. As soon as the truck door was closed I ran as fast as I could into the house, grabbed the kids and my phone, and we all sat at the end of the house farthest away from the grenade.

I {may} have sent Joseph a not so nice text demanding that he explain why the heck I found a grenade in our house next to the kids toy bin.

He called me when he was able to take a break and I told him the story of me finding it and how I'd put it in the truck and sat at the other end of the house because I was scared the heat might make it blow up. Joseph was practically in tears by the time I finished telling him the story which was upsetting me. I was hacked off. Here he was laughing at me and I'm imagining scenarios of the thing blowing up in the middle of the night and killing us all. Or the kids thinking it was a toy and... well, I don't even want to think about that now!

Turns out the thing was a dud that had no explosives in it at all. Apparently, you can tell a grenade is a dud if it has a hole in the bottom like this...

Forgive me for not seeing the hole in the grenade Joseph and for bringing disgrace among Marine Corps wives,... finding a grenade in our coat closet got me a little shaken up!

And congratulations to Ann at Momma and her Soapbox. You were the first person to guess correctly. Please e-mail me at finchumfamilyjda@yahoo.com with your address so I can get your prize out to you! Thanks for playing along everyone. Hope you had a good laugh!

Oh, and honey, if your reading this...Next time you want to surprise me, I'd prefer jewelry or flowers!

Hint Number Four

2010-07-12T18:47:00.000-04:00

Let's all remember, Joseph is in the Marines.

Hint Number Three

2010-07-12T15:50:00.004-04:00

It was brought into the house by my husband. One more hint to come around 6:00 EST before I reveal what I found at 8:00 EST. So far we know it's small, not living, and was brought into the house by my husband! Hmmmm....

Hint Number Two

2010-07-12T13:46:00.002-04:00

It's not alive. And just so you know, nobody is even close! Good luck!

Would you like to guess? {Giveaway}

2010-07-12T11:48:00.005-04:00

I found something when I was cleaning out the coat closet the other day that scared me to death. It's something you would NEVER expect to find when your cleaning out a closet, much less find anywhere in your home. I'm writing the blog post about it now, but I thought it would be fun to see what your guesses would be to what I found. There is a prize to the first person who guesses. And may I suggest you get very creative with your guesses...

I'll give a hint every two hours until 8:00 EST.

First hint: It's small

Three Week Portraits

2010-07-11T22:39:00.004-04:00

I've been dragging my feet getting Seth's three week portraits up. I had fun with tree branches and a make shift stork pouch! I hope you like...

About Ansley's Cast

2010-06-29T22:34:00.005-04:00

I've had quite a few people ask me about Ansley's pink cast and what she did to her arm over the last couple of days. I thought I had posted about it already, but I went back through my posts and apparently I haven't.

Well, remember when I had my amnio done and was put in the hospital for the day while we waited for the results of Seth's lung maturity? Long story short, Ansley was rough housing with another 4 year old and fell off of a little toddler bed. She must have landed on her wrist just so, because it broke. No bones sticking out or anything like that, but enough that she'll be in the cast for at least a month.

Joseph and I didn't even think it was broken when we picked the kids up. She was still using her left hand to do things and she could still bend it so we just figured it was twisted or something. But the next evening after Joseph got home from work Ansley wouldn't eat her dinner with her left hand (she's left handed) because she said it would hurt her arm. Plus, her wrist was still swollen...

So off to the emergency room Joseph and Ansley went.

While they were there Ansley was thrilled to be treated like a special little princess. She got princess stickers and Hannah Montana stickers... she even got a purple popsicle to match the purple outfit she was wearing! Joseph even told me that Ansley said she loved the doctors and that she wanted to be a doctor when she grows up (horray!) so that she could give her daddy a blue popsicle.

Here's Ansley after they got home with her arm wrapped up...

And here she is after she got her cast on...

Having the cast on her arm has not slowed Ansley down one bit! I think she's actually going to be mad when I take her in to get it off. She loves her cast!

2 Week Portraits

2010-06-28T23:58:00.004-04:00

I took some pictures today of the children much to their dismay. Don't they look thrilled? Haha.

You can't really tell in the pictures (thank you photoshop) but it was a H-O-T and pretty gloomy looking day. Nothing was going to stop me however from getting at least a few pictures of Seth on the 2 week anniversary of his birth! (Yes, I plan on doing his portraits weekly for at least the first 6 weeks)

Seriously though, here are just a couple of my favorite from today that I've gotten around to editing. The last one is my favorite because I feel like it captures how love can bind a family together even when there is one physically absent. I love how it very clearly includes Wyatt with his siblings.

{Almost} 2 Weeks Old

2010-06-28T11:44:00.007-04:00

Can it be that this little guy has already been here for two whole weeks almost?

I say almost, because right now if you were to ask me how old my baby was, I'd reply with, "Oh, he's 13 and a half days old. He'll be two weeks old at 9:22 this evening..."

I know, I'm a bit crazy... but I feel like I'm entitled to bear that title proudly. I mean, is there really such a thing as loving your child too much? I think after losing a child and the chance to raise them, each second you are blessed to hold another one in your arms should be cherished. Not that it shouldn't be cherished if all your children are here... but when you are called to surrender one of your children there is a spring of emotions that well up inside.

You worry more.

You feel ancient.

You become ~~REALLY~~ a little crazy.

You get angry.

You get jealous.

You cry. A lot.

But, you also love harder...

You cling more to the blessings in your life and see them for the gifts they are.

My blessings are my family. I realize my family is not something I'm entitled to, but something God has gifted me with.

So I'll make no apologies if I cling to them a little too tightly. Or if I'm too overprotective to let other people watch my children. Or if I'm "spoiling" the newest member of our family because I hardly put him down or let him cry.

Funny story. Joseph told me I needed to just put Seth down and walk away. I needed to let him cry (obviously after he's burped, fed, changed, and warm) like we did with Ansley and Eli when they were babies. I must have looked at Joseph like he'd grown an extra head as I said in disbelief "I'm not going to let him cry!", because Joseph just shook his head and dropped it. I should probably invest in a baby wrap or sling though to make my life a little easier... I just can't seem to walk away from this little guy. I'm almost afraid if I put him down he'll disappear on me!

Anyways, back to what I was saying...

There's no such thing as too many hugs or too many kisses... I know what it's like to want to kiss your child's face and not be able too.

There's not enough hours in the day to cuddle on my children... I know they are mine only because God gave them to me. Only he knows how long I can hold them in my arms.

It's not the end of the world if the dishes don't get finished because I spent that time reading an extra story... Dishes were the last thing on my mind as I said my final goodbyes (until heaven) to my son. What was on my mind were all the stories I'd never get to read him.

I could care less about the extra laundry I have to do because we made a fort out of blankets or took half the clothes out of my closet to play dress up... I'll never get to wash a single outfit for Wyatt.

So, yes. I may come off a little strong, but Wyatt taught me how to love with my whole heart. I may cuddle on Seth more than Ansley and Eli, but that's only because Seth doesn't have a choice right now and I'm taking advantage of it. Besides, Ansley and Eli won't sit still long enough!

I think our whole family has learned to love better because of Wyatt.

Joseph is a more tender and affectionate father...

Who even lends his nose for Seth to latch onto when I'm being to slow to sit down and nurse...

Ansley and Eli are crazy protective over their baby Seth. Ansley and Eli both have actually gotten onto the nurses when we've had to take Seth to the doctors for hurting him and making him cry. Last time we went in Ansley actually pointed a finger at the nurse and told her as soon as she walked into the room "Be nice to my baby Seth. You have to kiss him so he doesn't cry'!

And me, well, I've just been enjoying my time with my family. I may be exhausted because Seth has his days and nights mixed up, but I really don't mind giving up sleep to hold him because he wants to be held. Heck, even during the day when I could be sleeping (and probably should be) I spend that time laying next to him so I can just stare at him. I watch his chest rise and fall. I put my face up close to his so I can feel his breath on my skin.

I sit on the floor and play blocks with Ansley and Eli. I bake them special treats for dessert after dinner. Joseph and I take them out for ice cream or to play at the park. We color together, dance together, and run through the house like a crazy bunch of monsters.

I'm enjoying my kids for their own little stage that each of them is in. I'm taking more pictures and trying not to let a single milestone pass by undocumented.

Speaking of milestones, I decided to do newborn portraits of Seth myself instead of taking him somewhere. I figured I could get what I wanted that way. With some help from Joseph these are {a few} of my favorites.

I'll be doing his two week portraits today with the kids if the weather cooperates...

I know this post was all over the place. I have a lot on my mind lately that I just needed to get out on "paper". Thanks for putting up with all the bouncing around.

Meeting Baby Brother and Taking Him Home

2010-06-24T11:05:00.007-04:00

We have some really good friends who were kind (and brave) enough to watch Ansley and Eli for us (Thanks Ray and Summer) while I was having Seth. They didn't bring the kids to the hospital until the next afternoon to meet Seth because I'd had Seth so late the night before.

I honestly don't know if the kids were told ahead of time that they were ging to get to finally meet baby Seth, but Ansley's face was priceless when she walked into the room and realized her newest little brother was not in my belly anymore. I so wish we could have captured her face on video. I will never forget the look of awe and excitement she exuded as she climbed up on my hospital bed to get a better look at her baby brother.

"Ohhh WOOoooow! Mommy! Baby Seth is out of your belly!", she squealed with delight. "I love him! Can I hold my baby Seth mommy? Can we take him home with us?"

Eli was happy to see me, but less than thrilled to see me holding a baby. He did give Seth kisses but other than that could have cared less about his new little brother. I couldn't get him to sit with me and Seth long enough to get a picture. But I did manage to get a picture of him as he was coming to give me kisses as he left.

It was so wonderful getting to cuddle on each of the children that are here, but my heart was battling against uncontainable joy and unbearable sadness all at the same time. I realized as I sat here for this picture holding my three living children and a stuffed elephant in the place where my son who's gone to heaven should have been, that this is as good as it's ever going to get...

Almost perfect, but never will be, because one of my children and the piece of my heart he took with him will always be missing. Maybe that's why I've been doing a lot of crying and smiling at the same time lately. I hold Seth and soak up his tiny little features. I rock him and take in his sweet scent. I talk to him and tell him all about his big brother. And I do this through tears because Wyatt is always in my next thought. I can't begin to describe how bittersweet Seth's birth and all his firsts have been... so I'm not even going to try. I'll just say that I'm overjoyed to have Seth in my arms and heartbroken that Wyatt isn't here to be a physical part of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We were finally discharged on Thursday morning. First, Dr. Joy came in to check on me and I snagged him for a picture with Seth. After all, if it wasn't for this man, I don't even want to think about how differently Seth's birth story would have gone. Dr. Joy was definitely the key player in helping God perform a miracle.

Next, Seth's doctor came in to give Seth the final once over and finally discharge him as well. I love Seth's pediatrician. He is the sweetest older gentlemen and I think it's adorable that he wears a bow tie everyday.

And you know hospitals. It takes forever for the discharge paperwork to be drawn up. So, Joseph and I spent that time cuddling on little man.

We also finished getting all of our stuff together... Wasn't it so kind of Joseph to ~~pose with~~ carry my purse for me?

I thought it was cure how he left Seth's stuffed lion sticking out of the diaper bag the hospital gave us to...

When we were finally told we could leave, Joseph headed out to pull the expedition around and I mentally tried to wrap my brain around what was actually happening. I was taking Seth home. I was leaving the hospital with a living breathing baby.

As the nurse started wheeling me out to the entrance, It took everything in me to keep from bawling. It didn't feel like this could really be happening. I kept waiting for someone to come chasing us down the hall only to say that there had been some kind of mistake and that I couldn't take Seth home with me. I clung onto this little boy so tightly and concentrated on trying not to hyperventilate! I almost felt like I was drunk or something when we officially left the hospitals front doors. I had done it! I'd given birth... I'd been blessed with a healthy baby boy... And I'd just left the hospital with him. It still didn't feel like any of this could be real. It felt too good to be true. I was actually scared to pinch myself for fear of waking up!

We got Seth situated in his seat and the nurse performed a car seat check. We were all set!

Joseph and I just sat in the expedition for a minute and let it sink in... then Joseph breaks the silence with "Okay... here we go... should I turn on the flashers?". We both just laughed, but I didn't think it sounded like a babd idea!

Before we went home, we had to go pick up Ansley and Eli from my father in laws house. Again, Ansley was thrilled to have baby Seth in the car and to be taking him home...

Eli, not so much...

It was funny to me how Joseph and I kept score of who got to do what as far as taking care of Seth and who got to do what. Apparently, because I got to be the one to take Seth out of the hospital, Joseph got to be the one to take Seth into our house for the first time! So here it is...

So there you have it! Seth's birth story in it's entirety. I still have doctor's appointments and what it's been like to have him home to post about but that will come in it's own time. I'm just enjoying my life for what it is right now and trying to find peace in accepting that this is as good as it gets this side of heaven.

Thank You's...

2010-06-23T18:54:00.006-04:00

Another post to catch up!

I've had some sweet ladies send some cards and gifts both for Wyatt's birthday and for Seth's birth day that I am long over due in thanking.

First of all, I would like to thank Sarita for the sweet gifts she sent all the children!

Ansley and Eli were thrilled to open their gifts. They wanted to know if it was their birthday!

And they have thoroughly enjoyed coloring in their books... so much so that they've already colored ALL the pictures!

Sarita also sent this sweet handmade card for Wyatt as well as this beautiful cross. I put the cross right next to Wyatt's urn and it makes me smile every time I look at it.

She also sent Seth this Baby's 1st Year Calendar (which I'm already using), a cute little lion toy, and a card congratulating us on his safe arrival.

You would think all that would be more than enough, but she also sent this adorable little outfit for Seth to grow into...

What's so neat about this outfit (besides it being adorable), is that she got Celia the same exact one because she knew how good of friends we were and wanted Seth and Xainder to have a matching outfit. How sweet is that? I can't wait to be able to take pictures of them in their matching outfits! I will most definitely be posting a picture of that!

Thank you so much Sarita for the sweet gifts.

And speaking of Celia... she was sweet enough to do a balloon release for Wyatt. Thanks girl! You can go here to read her original post if you'd like!

I also owe Stephanie a huge thank you for the gift she sent to celebrate Wyatt's first birthday. Isn't this just gorgeous?

And of course, the first ring I put on it had to be Wyatt's ring. Thank you so much Stephanie for thinking about Wyatt on his first birthday in heaven. I was floored when I got this package in the mail and it reminds me how lucky I am to have such wonderful women in my life each time I put my rings around the trunk of this elephant each night.

Joseph brought the mail in yesterday and handed me a package from My Forever Child. I've been wanting to order something from there forever now, but have never ordered anything. So I was a bit dumb founded when I got a package from them. When I opened the package, I read that it was from Holly for Wyatt's birthday. She had a custom necklace made for me to wear so that I'd always be able to wear it close to my heart. My breath caught in my chest when I saw this necklace...

An elephant, a pearl (Wyatt's birthstone), and a pendant with Wyatt on the front and his birth date on the back. I could not have picked out a more perfect necklace if I'd chosen it myself. Thank you so much Holly. I've been wearing this necklace since I got it yesterday with no plans of taking it off!

Holly also sent cards for both Wyatt's birthday and for Seth's birth. Here they are in that particular order.

Last, but not least, I opened up my e-mail this afternoon and was surprised by this sweet picture to add to Wyatt's name gallery from Caroline.

Thank you so much Caroline. You're always so sweet to think about Wyatt and to offer words of encouragement and most importantly prayers!

I am overwhelmed by the kindness and friendship I have been blessed with over the last year and a half. Thank you to each of you for your comments, prayers, and love. And to these woman I just want to say an extra special thank you. None of these gifts were necessary, but I will cherish them always.

Wyatt's Party

2010-06-23T14:38:00.012-04:00

On the bad blogger train I've been riding, I realized when I read Stephanie's post about Vayden's first birthday, that I have yet to finish posting about Wyatt's birthday! I feel like life is flying by and I wish I could find a way to put on the brakes for a while so I can get all caught up...

I was worried when I woke up to a gloomy and foreboding sky. Not exactly what you want to wake up to when your soul already feels that way on the inside. Luckily, with all the preparations I still had to make I didn't have time to sit around and feel sorry for myself.

I spent the week before Wyatt's party drowning in decorations I was making. I couldn't find any party decorations that had elephants or stars that I liked so I decided I would just make my own.

So I made cupcake holders...

And elephant garland...

And Elephant party blowers...

And elephant and star cookies...

And this cute little guy (made out of gum paste) to top Wyatt's cupcake...

And these to go in the rest of the cupcakes...

And napkin rings...

The kids even helped out and made Wyatt some decorations for his party.

Can I just add that Wyatt's first birthday was very confusing for Ansley and Eli... More so for Ansley. She thought we were going to have Wyatt's birthday and that Wyatt would be there and get to come home with us finally. i kept having to explain to her that Wyatt had to stay in heaven, but that he could see us having the party for him from heaven and that he would get to play with all the balloons we were going to send him. It wasn't fun to have to keep letting her down when she got excited to see baby Wyatt...

On a happier note.

I was very happy overall with the decorations. It felt more special and intimate to me because I felt like I was able to put my heart into each aspect of Wyatt's party. And I brought all of Wyatt's elephants and figurines I've collected over the last year, as well as some of my favorite pictures of him to decorate the tables.

Wyatt's actual party was great. We had a much better turn out than I expected. And I'm guessing it's probably just because I looked pretty pathetic being that pregnant and on crutches, but everyone was more than willing to help me out! We had people grilling, filling up balloons, and helping with decorations!

We didn't do much at Wyatt's party besides fellowship and eat. I was just happy that people actually came! Plus, we'd sand Wyatt happy birthday and blew out a candle for him earlier as a family so we didn't feel like it needed to be done again at the party.

One thing my heart was aching for was to be able to see Wyatt dig into his first birthday cake. I wanted a picture of that so badly! Another first I was being robbed of... But you know what? I still got a picture of my other little guy digging into his cupcake... and then the other cupcake he "snuck" off the cupcake stand... and the other cupcake he "borrowed" from some poor unsuspecting party guest who left their plate unguarded!

My favorite part of the party was the balloon release. Wouldn't you know that the sky was gorgeous when it was time to send Wyatt his balloons. Here I was fretting all day about not being able to release balloons because the sky was sure to fall out... and the sky couldn't have been more beautiful.

Before we released the balloons, Joseph and I both took a second to say a few words and thank everyone for coming. I'm not one for speeches and I was already choked up, so Joseph explained the significance of sending balloons to Wyatt in heaven and how we've been doing that for him together since he passed away.

With that being said, we all had a moment of silence before we filled the sky with balloons for Wyatt. I watched them float away until they disappeared behind the tree line. I tried to hide the tears that had filled my eyes. It wasn't that I was crying because I was sad (although, I was sad), I was crying because I was touched that so many people came to be a part of something that was so special to me.

I chose to have a big first birthday for Wyatt for selfish reasons really. I felt like I had been robbed of all the firsts I wanted so badly to share with Wyatt. Firsts that I couldn't have had any control over missing. Firsts like Wyatt's first word, first time crawling, first step, first smile. This was a first I had control over. This was the first first that didn't have to pass by forgotten. This was a first I had the opportunity to make a big deal about... I refused to give up my chance to celebrate a first for Wyatt and I'm so happy I finally have a first to remember for him!

I hope you enjoyed hearing about Wyatt's party. Again, sorry it took so long to post about it. I promise I'm going to get better about posting one of these days!

Seth's Birth (Part 2)

2010-06-22T20:17:00.006-04:00

Has it already been a week (okay... eight days) since Seth joined our family on the outside? Bad Danielle. What a terrible blogger I've been!

Well, wait no more. I'm finally typing out the rest of Seth's birth story (Well, at least Part Two) for you.

I know I've already told you about Seth's actual birth, but I also want to document how I was feeling during the whole birthing process...

It felt like an out of body experience!

Every step that brought me closer to meeting Seth felt unbelievable. This may sound crazy, but even when I was having contractions 2 minutes apart and my back felt like it was going to snap in half, I didn't feel like I was really having a baby. Maybe it was my body's coping mechanism, but I really could not let myself accept that I was actually in labor and having a baby. I felt like I was dreaming.

Even when Dr. Joy checked my cervix and told me it was time to push I couldn't imagine holding Seth in my arms. Here I am obeying my doctor and pushing when he tells me to and I keep thinking to myself "God, please let this baby be okay", and "A baby? Really? I can't believe this... What, his head is out? Oh Lord... Please let this baby be okay".

I remember the moment Joseph said his head was out. My heart sunk to the floor because I didn't hear a cry. Joseph was suctioning out his nose and throat, so why wasn't I hearing him scream? And then it was time to push again...

This time Seth came out completely and was laid on my chest. Still no crying...

"Why isn't he crying?" I kept demanding. "Is he okay?", I'm panicking as I choke back tears.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity I hear Seth let out a quiet grunt followed by a wail... In that moment Seth and I both were crying like little babies. I couldn't hold Seth close enough to me. I didn't care about the goop and blood he was covered in, I just wanted his little body as close to mine as it could possibly get. Here I am clinging to Seth and letting it sink in that he's really here and he's alive! I wanted to scream from the mountains how wonderful God is! I could have never imagined how wonderful it would be to meet this little guy. I'm ashamed to say it was nothing like Ansley and Eli's births. Sure I was thrilled to meet them, but it took me losing Wyatt to realize just how much of a miracle a new little life truly is.

After Seth was born Joseph and I got to cuddle on him until about midnight before the nurse came in to give Seth his first bath. I got out of bed and took pictures while Joseph recorded it with the video camera.

But something happened to Seth's breathing while he was getting a bath. His oxygen level dropped and he was having to fight really hard to breathe. His respirations got well over 100 per minute and the nurse had to take Seth away to the nursery. When they checked his oxygen level it was down in the 80's and it should have been above 95 for an infant.

I remember the nurse and Joseph walking out of the room with Seth and I sat there and bawled. It took me back to when I was laying on the operating table when Wyatt was born and the nurse taking Wyatt to the next room where he died away from me. I was terrified I would never see Seth alive again. I found myself begging God, "Lord please don't make me surrender another baby to you. And God, please, please don't let another one of my children die away from me..."

Joseph sent me text messages and updates on Seth and he finally came and got me in a wheelchair so I could could spend some time with him. I learned when I got back to the nursery that they were seriously considering sending Seth to the children's hospital because he just wasn't breathing well. It was so serious they even called in a neonatal nurse to monitor Seth. There was even talk of him possibly needing to be put on respirator so his lungs could have a chance to rest. I felt so helpless. Could this really be happening?

I stayed in the nursery with Seth and Joseph for as long as I could before I had to go back to my room. We spent the time holding his tiny little hand.

Seth looked so pitiful under the little oxygen hood they rigged up for him.

As I left, I felt like a dog with it's tail between it's legs. I sat in my hospital bed and ~~cried~~ prayed. I thanked God for giving me a healthy baby boy. I thanked him for giving me an amazing and safe delivery. I thanked him for the three uneventful hours that Joseph and I got to bond with Seth. And I asked God to give me peace about the possibility of Seth being transferred. And you know what? I did have peace. I knew God wasn't going to take Seth away from me...

The question "Why would God guide you and Dr. Joy to deliver Seth today because he would have died if you were sent home", kept running through my head. I felt like God was whispering in my ear that Seth was meant to stay here. Maybe it was hormones or maybe I just desperately wanted my thoughts to be true, but I really believed Seth would be okay. Even if he did have to be transferred or put on a respirator.

I don't have to tell you how great God is...

Shortly after 5am Joseph comes waltzing back into our room holding Seth. I can't tell you how wonderful it was not only have Seth back in my arms, but to hear the nurse say his oxygen was back up above 95 and that his respirations had slowed to less than 60 in a minute. He was doing wonderful! Providing he continued to do well (which we all know he did), there was no reason he'd have to be transferred much less have to leave my room again!

The only other problem we had with Seth in the hospital was not being able to get him to eat. I tried to get him to nurse but he showed no interest in latching on. He just laid there like "what is that and why are you trying to put it in my mouth?".

The nurse finally told me she was going to have to finger feed Seth so that his blood sugar wouldn't bottom out. I agreed, but was determined to get this little guy to nurse. I was relieved when Seth drank the formula he was given. I felt better knowing he had something in his belly.

From there I tried nursing every hour or so to no avail. I finally got the idea to try and introduce a pacifier to get Seth used to sucking. And it worked! The first couple of times nursing Seth were clumsy on both our parts, but it was an amazing feeling to be nursing another one of my babies! I really hoped Wyatt was able to nurse when he was born. I'd accepted that Wyatt would be our last baby and I never thought I'd ever have the chance to nurse again. It was unbelievable to feel this little guy nursing. God was telling me, "See what I can do. When all hope is lost, I'm still in the business of miracles".

Well, that's all for Part 2. It's late and I have a hungry little guy to feed. Next up is leaving the hospital, bringing Seth home, and first (and second, and third, and fourth, and fifth) doctors appointment. But, until then (which I promise won't be as long as it took me to post this) here's a picture of little man and the first smile I was able to capture with my camera!

2010-06-19T13:43:00.005-04:00

Please forgive my lack of updates and posts. We are soaking up this little bundle and loving every second of it. Joseph, the kids, and I am so in love we can hardly see straight!

We're taking nothing for granted. How wonderful it is to be surrounded by this...

With as hard as I tried I could never have imagined this sweet little boy bringing so much joy back into my life. It's comforting to know I can have so much love in my heart for Seth and still grieve for Wyatt at the same time. It's been bittersweet to cuddle on Seth. There has not been one second where I've wished he were Wyatt instead of himself like I'd feared. But I've spent each second wishing Wyatt were here too. It makes me long even more to hold Wyatt as well and experience the joy of just holding his little body next to mine. It makes me sad to look at this picture and know there is a stuffed elephant in the place where I should have my 1 year old.

By the way, did you notice the shirt Wyatt's elephant is wearing? I made it the night before I went into labor with Seth...

Even with the my heart aching for Wyatt, I can't contain the joy Seth brought into my heart with his first cry. I swear this child is always being held. Joseph and I just can't bring ourselves to put him down. Even as I'm typing this Seth is snuggled up against my chest.

There is still more to post about Seth's birth and first hours of life. He's kept us all on our toes since he got here and I'm excited to share everything else God has done for our family over the last week... but for now, I have a hungry little boy that needs my attention. I hope these pictures tide you over until then!

Seth's Birth (Part 1)

2010-06-16T19:57:00.003-04:00

We are still in the hospital, but I've managed to get Joseph to hook his phone up to my computer as a modem so I could share Seth's birth story and ~~a bajillion~~ some pictures with you. (Actually, as of posting this we're finally home!)

First of all I want to thank everyone for your prayers. As you read Seth's birth story you will realize how valuable your prayers truly were. I truly believe it was your fervent prayers and love that saved Seth's (an possibly my own) life. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

I awoke at 3am Monday morning to contractions. "This can't be labor", I said to myself, "I'm just having those same old contractions I've been having for the last two months"... But these felt different, and I knew it. They were starting in the middle of my back and wrapping around my belly and were coming regularly at about 8 minutes apart. Even with me changing positions and trying to go back to sleep they persisted.

Around 4am I was pretty uncomfortable and decided to get a shower. I thought maybe that would space the contractions out and I was hoping the heat of the water would help alleviate the ~~feeling that a whole circus of elephants was dancing~~ pain in my lower back. No such luck. Actually standing up in the shower made them worse. (At this point I'm in denial that I'm in true labor although I already knew I was.)

Long morning short and a ton of Lord, I'm not ready for this's later I finally call Celia at six something in the morning and tell her I think I may be in labor. Of course, when I had to stop talking every four minutes to get through a contraction, she told me I really should go wake Joseph up and go to the hospital... So wake Joseph up I did and we made our way to drop the children off before heading to the hospital.

As we made our way into the front doors I remember saying to myself, "Here we go again, I'm going to leave here embarrassed because there will be no baby born and people are going to wonder how I can't tell what labor is after getting ready to deliver my fourth child". I just could not see myself being admitted and hearing the words "Yup, your in labor".

And then there was the big debate with my doctor over lung maturity verses Seth being safer outside of me. You see, when I came in and was hooked to the monitor, Seth had three decels in a row with my contractions. It alarmed my doctor enough that he discussed taking Seth even though he might need help breathing because it indicated my placenta was not functioning properly. We joined hands and Dr. Joy prayed with us to ask the Lord to guide us in making a decision. And we were all on the same page. We had an overwhelming feeling that Seth needed to come and that it couldn't wait until Sunday.

Dr. Joy and I agreed that we would let labor progress as slow as possible so the contractions could give Seth's lungs time to mature through out the process. We decided to only strip my membranes because it would only help things along if I were in true labor. Well, it worked. My contractions started getting more intense and I dilated another half centimeter between cervical exams. I was being admitted!

Can I just say (not entirely off subject, but not so importantly) that these rooms are huge! Seriously, you have to see this...

Joseph and I both were amazed when we were brought to our actual laboring room. We've stayed in hotels that weren't anywhere near as nice. It was a huge jump from the little broom closet they stick you in before you are actually admitted!

Anyways, back to the birth story...

My labor went really slow. I was so frustrated when they checked me after hours of having contractions 2-2.5 minutes apart and my cervix had only dilated to 3.5 centimeters. Hello, didn't my body know that this was my fourth baby and that it was supposed to progress faster than this? Looking back, I think because I had back labor and was so tense my body just wasn't able to progress well...

Dr. Joy came in sometime after 7pm and broke my water and then he strongly advised me to get the epidural in the event that I needed an emergency c-section because I was attempting a VBAC. I really wanted to have a completely natural birth like I had done with Eli, but I understood Dr. Joy's concern. If time were an issue and meant life or death for Seth, I wanted time to be on his side instead of against it.

After I got the epidural, things went fairly quickly. I dilated from 4 centimeters to 10 in a little less than two hours. When Dr. Joy checked my cervix shortly after 9pm and said it was time to push I was in utter disbelief that Seth was moments from being here... finally.

This is where the fun and the scary part of the story start.

First the fun...

Dr. Joy asks Joseph how much he is willing to participate in Seth's birth. Of course, Joseph replies with "as much as you'll let me", as Dr. Joy smirks and asks Joseph what size gloves he wears...

Then I see Joseph being dressed in disposable scrubs...

...And then he's plopped down on a stool right in front of me and asked how he'd feel about delivering his own son!

This was his face!

Followed by a proud grin as Joseph realizes the doctor is serious because Dr. Joy is helping the nurse hold my leg back and telling me to push! Of course, I had to take pictures! (Yes, even in labor the photographer inside of me can't let a great photo opt pass) The epidural had it's advantages!

Dr. Joy talked Joseph through what to do and lent a helping hand when needed, but Seth was literally delivered in about 4 pushes. And Joseph did it all. He delivered the head, suctioned out Seth's nose and mouth, delivered the rest of Seth's body, laid Seth on my belly, clamped and cut the cord... he did it all and it was an unbelievable birth experience.

Talk about a birth experience you will never forget!

It was what we found out afterwards that scared us...

Remember those decels when I was first hooked up to the monitor? Remember how Dr. Joy has been concerned about the health of my placenta the last couple of weeks? Well, we all had good reason to worry.

Apparently, my placenta ruptured.

A beautiful birth became frightening really quickly after Seth was born. As Seth came out, so did blood... lots of it. Joseph immediately looked at Dr. Joy and my doctor jumped right in with trying to get the placenta out. At this point I was the only one at risk, Seth was safe, but there was still the possibility of me hemorrhaging. Joseph asked the doctor if I would be okay and he said yes and told Joseph to go to the warmer with Seth. He started barking orders for the nurse to start medicine in my IV to help deliver the placenta quickly. And then he pulled... and pushed... and yanked... and did some other not so pleasant things until the placenta was out and I was no longer in danger.

He talked to us afterwards and told us if we had all not made the decision to have Seth on this day that we would have been meeting our son as a stillborn. There was no way he would have made it to Sunday. With that, we joined hands and thanked God for his guidance and the blessing of Seth's life.

There is still more to share, but I think I'm going to do this in parts because I have so much to share. So, the most important thing for me was to let let you fully realize how much your prayers impacted our family on Monday. I truly believe my son was placed into my arms alive because God heard and answered all the prayers being said for Seth. There is no way I can thank you enough for the love you've sent our way. And to leave on a really good note until my next post about the rest of our hospital stay, here's some picture of Joseph and I finally getting to cuddle on our sweet little guy!

Seth is here!!!

2010-06-14T22:21:00.004-04:00

Seth is here!! He made is grand entrance into the world tonight at 9:24 p.m. weighing in at 6 lbs 14 oz. He did amazingly and even scored an 8 and 9 on his Apgar scores!!

Danielle and Joseph are on cloud 9!!

If anyone would like to send them anything or offer congratulations, here is the hospital address of where they are:

Leconte Medical Center

742 Middle Creek Road

Sevierville, TN 37862

Once again, thank you all so much for your prayers! They worked and now we are rejoicing with God and the angels in Heaven over Seth's safe arrival!

UPDATE!!

2010-06-14T19:33:00.003-04:00

Hey there! Celia here again......

Okay!! Just heard from Danielle! She is in good spirits! She is still progressing. Her contractions are still about 2 minutes apart. She is now 4 cm dilated and the doctor just broke her water to speed things along. She also recieved an epidural. Seth's heartrate continues to be steady in the 120s with only a few decels so he is still doing very well!

She wants you all to know that she very much appreciates each and every prayer. She is feeling them and they are helping her so very much! So thank you!!! Keep them coming guys!!

I hope that the next time I get to update it will be to announce baby Seth's arrival!!

Update on Danielle and baby Seth!!

2010-06-14T17:38:00.002-04:00

Hey there everyone! It's Celia again! I wanted to wait to make sure that things were progressing before updating......

Anyway, Danielle awoke this morning with contractions that were the REAL DEAL!! So to the hospital she headed where she has been all day. This is the real thing! Baby Seth should be here sometime this evening or tomorrow at the very latest. Things have been going well too!

In the beginning, Seth's heartrate was not responding well to the contractions but it seems to have stabilized now and her contractions were 2-3 minutes apart as of about 3:15 pm today.

Please, please be sure to keep them in your prayers as they work to bring baby Seth into the world!

I will be sure to update again on Seth's arrival when he finally comes!

37 Week Appointment

2010-06-10T16:44:00.002-04:00

My appointment went fairly well today. Seth's heart rate and activity were about the same as they have been for the last two weeks. My cervix was checked today and I'v gone for 1 cm with a thick cervix to being dilated to 2 cm and 80-90% effaced in a weeks time. I thought Dr. Joy's eyes were going to bulge out of his head when he felt how thin my cervix had gotten in just a weeks time!

He wants to see me again on Tuesday and said depending on how Seth's placenta looks (if it's calcifying it means it's a good indication Seth would be ready to breathe air), and what my cervix and contractions are doing he may end up sending me to the hospital from that appointment. If not, he has scheduled me for an induction on the 20th (Father's Day). He did make the comment that he would be surprised if I made it to Tuesday much less to the 20th, but I really hope Seth and I can hold out that long. It would make me feel so much better for Seth to have that extra time for his lungs to develop.

I asked about a steroid shot to help Seth's lungs along and Dr. Joy said that studies indicate they don't make a difference after 34 weeks. I told him I have just been so scared of going into labor on my own and knowing that his lungs aren't ready and Dr. Joy assured me that if I go into labor on my own it's a very good indication that Seth is telling us he's ready. So, I'm going to take it easy, but I'm not going to lose sleep (like I have been) because I'm worrying my waters going to break or that I will wake up in full fledge labor.

I have had some bleeding since my cervical check today. It has me a little worried because with 4 children, this has never happened to me before. I've been told it was normal and that I should only worry if it becomes bright red or increases dramatically. Hopefully it will stop soon. I think maybe I've just overdone it today with doctor appointments on top of my cervical check. My appointment was at 11:00 today and I had to take Ansley with me because she broke her arm on Monday (that's a whole different post) and she had an appointment at 2:00 to get her arm casted.

Needless to say, it's been a long day. I'm glad to be home and I think I'm going to take a nap while I have the chance. I'll be back soon to update as I know more and I still have a couple of posts lurking around in my drafts that I need to finish up and post. I hope you all have a blessed day!

Wyatt Hugs

2010-06-09T12:14:00.003-04:00

For the first time in a while I feel like Wyatt has been really close to us. For a while, he seemed almost like a bittersweet dream and I would catch myself thinking, "Did this really happen to us, or did my mind just make up that sweet little boy I'm missing so much?". It's just that his time was so brief here. His life was a blur of beauty and sadness mingled together in too short a time. Really,... who would have thought an entire lifetime could be crammed into such a brief period? Passing time was my enemy. It scared me because I could no longer picture his sweet little face without really concentrating and I've been so scared time was stealing away the memories I hold so dearly to my heart.

So what's changed?

To be completely honest, I really don't know...

Maybe he's letting me know he's okay.

Maybe by letting his presence be felt so closely he's trying to tell me it's okay to be happy Seth is joining our family because he's still here and very much a part of our family.

Maybe it's just Gods way of giving me peace about the plans he has for our family.

I don't know. But, I'm very thankful for the closeness I feel to Wyatt as my life is changing yet again. Sometimes I feel like all I have to do anymore is close my eyes and I can feel Wyatt's presence radiating around me. A giant Wyatt hug! It always leaves me a little teary, but it's the good kind. And I'm able to continue what I was doing with a smile in my heart and a bounce (as bouncy as you can be this pregnant) in my step.

I've been seeing elephants everywhere too. They seem to be on all the kids cartoon shows, they pop up when I'm searching for completely unrelated images on google, and in so many other places I couldn't begin to list them all.

Some of the neater signs I've gotten was a really awesome elephant cloud. It had already started to change shapes when I snapped this picture with my phone, but it looked just like an elephant peeking out of the clouds and looking toward the sunset.

And that same day, I went to take a light pink polish off of my nails that I'd used when I did a french manicure like three weeks earlier and found this when I got to my left thumb. I thought I was crazy so I asked Joseph and Ansley both what it looked like and they both said an elephant! Needless to say, my chipped polish elephant is still on my finger and I smile every time I look at it.

I know I still owe you all posts on Wyatt's party. And I still need to get the onesie images posted for you to grab (which I still need to finish), but I really wanted to do a lighter, more upbeat post with all that's been going on in my life recently. It amazes me how in the midst of such a chaotic flurry of life, God still finds a way to leave you with a peaceful reassurance that lets you take a deep breath and enjoy being in the moment. So breathe deep with me and enjoy the rest of your day!

A Little More on Yesterday

2010-06-08T12:00:00.003-04:00

I'm sorry my post wasn't more informative yesterday. I was exhausted. Yesterday took a lot out of Joseph and I emotionally. We went from thinking the best thing for Seth would be to come out of my belly to realizing he needed a lot more time before that were the case. We agonized in the days leading up to yesterday with trying to mentally prepare for welcoming our son so much earlier than we expected, and when we had finally warmed up to the idea of snuggling on little man, finding out it wouldn't be happening. Dr. Joy was very surprised by the results of Seth's lung maturity. He really felt the numbers would at least be higher than they were. It's just really scary to think of Seth as not being safe inside or outside of me and having to choose which is the lesser of two evils. I completely agree he's safer inside for now,... but it still doesn't take my fear away of his heart rate dropping or the placenta failing and depriving him of oxygen. There is still a very real fear of me losing Seth.

I was extremely apprehensive about having Seth early. From the moment we found out he may have been coming yesterday, I've worried and lost sleep over the idea of Seth's lungs not being ready. The thought of having a giant needle shoved into my belly didn't help me rest easily either! Speaking of which, the amnio in itself wasn't horrible. It felt really weird because I could feel it enter my uterus and there was a lot of pressure and cramping during and after the procedure, but my greatest fears were the test putting Seth in distress or that the needle would hurt Seth. Seth did try to move into the needle, but thankfully Dr. Joy was able to guide the needle further into my belly to avoid Seth making contact with it. Other than that, Seth handled the procedure beautifully and I know it's thanks to everyone's prayers.

There was a large part of me yesterday that was struggling as we left the hospital without a baby in our arms. Our doctor was so sure yesterday would be the day... friends told stories of having their sons at 36-37 weeks where the lungs were perfectly mature... I started to believe his lungs would be ready. It was just hard to walk through those hospital doors for some reason. It brought back some of the same emotions I felt when I left the hospital without Wyatt. But isn't that silly? Seth is still inside of me and safe. A thought that is resounding with me today.

Today, I am relieved. I feel like I've been given the opportunity to enjoy my pregnancy for the rest of the time Seth decides to stay put or at least until my doctor feels the risk of Seth coming out outweighs the risk of him having more time to mature. Either way I have less than two weeks before little man is here and I intend to enjoy every second of it. I have to remind myself that God will keep Seth safe and that Dr. Joy is keeping an extremely watchful eye on Seth's heart rate, movements, and placenta. He is a God filled man and is approaching our care both spiritually and with sound medical judgement. I couldn't ask for a better, more rounded, or compassionate doctor. I'm in good hands all around.

No Baby Today

2010-06-07T20:12:00.002-04:00

First of all I want to thank all of you for your prayers.

The test results came back for Seth's lung maturity and they are no where near ready to breathe air on their own. As a matter of fact, if little man were to leave my belly right now, he would most likely need help breathing with a respirator. So, we're hanging in the balance of hoping Seth continues to do okay while in my belly and waiting for his lungs to mature enough to come out. Dr. Joy said at the most he'd have me wait until next weekend. He feels by then Seth would be okay being born, but feels until then he is safer staying put. I agree.

I won't lie, I'm disappointed I won't be meeting Seth today. I'd started getting used to the idea! However, I am blessed to have a doctor that is investing a lot of time, patience, and heart into Seth's care and health and I am forever grateful.

I will update more later. I have another appointment on Thursday and we'll discuss setting up an induction day sometime next week... probably closer to the weekend (father's day would be great, wouldn't it?!). Please continue to pray for Seth's lungs to develop quickly. Sorry to keep all of you on the edge of your seats today.

Amnio is done.....now waiting on results

2010-06-07T10:56:00.003-04:00

Hello all! It's Celia! I just wanted to update you all so that you could continue to be in prayer for Danielle.

She just called. The amnio went well other than it has caused some cramping. They are now at the hospital to be monitored and to await the results from the amnio. If they show Seth's lungs are mature, then Seth will definitely be born today! If he is not quite ready, then the amnio should at least give the doctor an indication of how much longer it might be and can then set a date for them to head back to the hospital to have him.

So please, please continue to pray for this beautiful family as they possibly prepare to meet baby Seth today!

A Letter to Seth

2010-06-06T15:37:00.003-04:00

My Sweet Seth,

There is a very good chance I will be meeting you tomorrow. I've dreamed about this day for what feels like an eternity but now that it's upon me I wonder where the the time has gone. I feel so guilty for letting this pregnancy sneak by. I feel like I've been so scared of losing the chance to raise you like I did with your big brother Wyatt, that I've held back a part of myself... a part of my heart and love... because I was scared to let myself have hope for a future with you in it. Looking back now, that's so silly to me. You've had my heart from the moment I learned you existed. Keeping my heart guarded wouldn't have helped at all in the event that God called you home and away from our family. I love you just as much as I do your older siblings and my heart actually aches when I think about how badly I want to hold you in my arms.

But can I be honest with you my sweet little Seth? Mommy is scared. I keep thinking about all the things that can go wrong and take you away from me. When I was pregnant with Ansley and Eli it never occurred to me that being pregnant didn't necessarily mean you'd be bringing a baby home at the end of nine months. But when we found out about your brother Wyatt, my eyes were opened to a big world of mommy's who had to send their babies to live in heaven away from them. I was suddenly thrown into a world where bad things happen to sweet little babies. So I'm scared. I'm scared you'll be one of those babies and I'll be one of those mommies. Again.

That's not what I want for you. What I want is a lifetime to get to know you...

I want to hear your cry as you make you way into this world. I want to hold you close to me and look into a pair of bright eyes filled with life and a promise for a long future. I want to feel your warmth against my cheek and see your sweet little chest rise and fall with God's given breath of life. I want to celebrate you as you grow. I want to make a huge deal out of all the milestones I took for granted with Ansley and Eli, and that I could only wish for with Wyatt. I want first steps, lost teeth, and skinned knees to kiss all better. I want to be there to make you smile and to wipe away your tears when you cry. I just want to be able to be your mother.

I'm comforted to know that God will get us through whatever happens tomorrow, but my heart is screaming to God "Please keep my baby safe, don't ask me to surrender another child to you"...

So,... let's make a deal Seth. Mommy will brave and I will do everything I can to make sure you get here safely. But I need you to fight too. No more thoughts about something happening tomorrow that could take us away from one another... only love. When I start to worry or freak out, I will grab my tummy and tell you how much I love you. I'll tell you about how excited Ansley and Eli are to meet you. I'll tell you all about the future you have ahead of you here with us. Plain and simply, I'll hope. For the first time in this pregnancy I'll hope with all my heart.

I'll see you soon Seth. I love you.
All my love, Mommy

Prayers Needed Please

2010-06-03T17:24:00.002-04:00

I just got home from my appointment today and before I go into everything let me assure you that Seth is healthy and doing just fine at the moment. With that being said, I need to ask you to start praying that his health stays that way.

Over the last couple of days I've noticed a pretty good decrease in Seth's movements. Not so much that I've been overly worried, but enough of a decrease that I've been concerned.

Then today while I was on the monitor doing my non stress test, the nurse had to come in and shake my belly to try and get Seth to be more responsive and to get his heart rate to increase. It got down to 111 bpm and sat around 125 bpm most of the time I was on the monitor. Dr. Joy said overall his heart rate was acceptable, but that it concerned him on top of my complaint of less movement than normal.

Something else to add to the concern was the elevated hormone level I had back when I did my first trimester ultrasound screening. The elevated hormone meant the placenta could stop functioning as effectively as it should and it put Seth at a greater risk for being stillborn...

All that being said, I am on strict orders to pay attention to Set's movements over the course of the weekend. If there not 10 movements felt in two hours I am instructed to go straight to the hospital...

Providing I make it to Monday morning I am scheduled to have an amnio to check the maturity of Seth's lungs, and if it comes back that they are developed I will be sent to the hospital to be induced.

I'm scared, I'm disappointed, and I'm anxious all at the same time. Having an amnio carries risks in itself and it worries me to have a premature baby, even if he would only be premature my 4 days according to medical standards of a baby being full term at 37 weeks.

So please be praying that the amnio goes well and that Seth doesn't get hurt during the procedure...

Please pray that if Seth's lungs are developed and I get induced on Monday that he tolerates labor okay and is perfectly healthy when he is born...

We're also attempting a VBAC, so please pray there are no complications from trying that either. Let me just say that if there is ANY sign that Seth is having problems we are headed straight for a c-section. There will be no taking risks at any turn. I don't care what they have to do to me as long as Seth comes out screaming at the top of his developed lungs!

I haven't told Celia (Noah's Mommy) this yet, but she will be keeping you all updated on my blog as Monday rolls around. So make sure you check back throughout the day Monday to get updates.

Thanks again for your prayers. They are cherished and appreciated as we take these final steps in my pregnancy to safely welcome Wyatt's little brother into the world.

A Little Teaser of Wyatt's Birthday

2010-06-02T23:21:00.004-04:00

I have tons of pictures to share with you. Pictures that I am eager to post... but of course we have satellite internet here and stormy weather. Not a good combination for uploading pictures. However, I'll share the few I've managed to get uploaded and you'll just have more pictures to look forward to later.

Before I get to the pictures though, I just want to document how the actual day went for me.

The days leading up to Wyatt's party I was so wrapped up in making decorations and getting everything prepared I didn't actually have time to really think about the big day. I didn't look ahead any further than which decoration or project I needed to do next. It really helped me keep myself together.

It wasn't until the day before Wyatt's first birthday that I started getting emotional and weepy. I had pretty much finished up all the projects I could get done and I had time to dwell on what laid ahead in the hours to come.

"This was my last night with him"...

"These were the last hiccups I felt"...

"This was the last time I held me belly before bed and sang 'You are my Sunshine' to him before drifting off to sleep"...

"I wonder if I would have spent this night differently had I known it was my last night with him alive"...

I had so many thoughts whirling around inside this head of mine.

Joseph tried to distract me by renting the movie "Dear John". I'd been wanting to see the movie for a while and it was a nice break for the war movie streak he's been on lately. The only problem was that we started watching the movie so late, by the time it was over it was already after midnight. I glanced at the clock as I crawled into bed at realized it was 12:32 in the morning... Wyatt's birthday. I started crying and didn't want Joseph to know I was already getting upset so I tried pulling the covers over my face. My plan at concealing the tears worked until he asked me a question and I had to choke out a reply. I ended up crying myself to sleep, something I hadn't done in quite a while...

Later that morning I woke up to a full bladder and again made the mistake of looking at the clock. Wouldn't you know that I woke up within five minutes of when my water broke a year ago with Wyatt! Of course, that got the tears flowing again. I curled up with Wyatt's blanket (something else I hadn't done in a while) and tried to fall back asleep. It didn't work. I laid in bed wishing for Wyatt and praying my water wouldn't break again on this day. I absolutely didn't want to have Wyatt and Seth share a birthday. I would have dealt with it had it happened, but I've been really adamant with God about allowing Wyatt to have and keep his own special day.

As any of you who read my blog regularly know, Wyatt was born at 10:03 in the morning and passed away at 10:05. Joseph set an alarm on his phone and we lit a candle for Wyatt at 10:03 and sang happy birthday to him. We let the candle burn for the two minutes he lived and blew it out together as a family.

You don't realize how short two minutes is until it's time to blow out the flame of a candle that is supposed to symbolize the entire life of your child. I think this was one of the lowest parts of my day. It was just...hard.

On a lighter note, Wyatt's elephant got to sport a birthday shirt and hat all day! It made me smile every time I looked at it.

We even got a family picture with the elephant and our whole family sported elephant shirts in honor of Wyatt for his birthday. You can't see Ansley's or Eli's in the picture, but I assure you there are elephants on both of their shirts too!

Well, that's it for now. I still have thank you's to post and more pictures to share of the preparations and actual party, but that wil have to wait for another (less cloudy and gross) day.

Back to "Normal" Soon

2010-06-02T03:13:00.002-04:00

I have so much to post about Wyatt's first birthday, the days leading up to it, and yes, the patterns to the onesies I promised... but I am drained right now and will be getting to that over the next couple of days. I came home from Wyatt's party last night and crashed. I had nothing left emotionally or physically, so please forgive my lack of posting. Wyatt's day was very special to us and I can't wait to share it with you. Thank you to everyone who helped make it special. I'm blessed to have such wonderful friends whether IRL or bloggy or both!

Look What I Made!

2010-05-22T23:54:00.003-04:00

I know the popular term to use for our babies in heaven is to refer to them as our "angel babies". I've said before that I do not personally believe Wyatt is an angel in heaven. I've referred to him endearingly as my angel, but do I believe he is in heaven with a shiny halo over his head as he flies around with a spunky pair of white wings? No. Not at all. I think he is simply my baby and he just happens to be in heaven being looked over by God, his angels, and family members who have gone on to their eternal home.

With that being said, I couldn't find the perfect onesie for Seth to wear after he was born that would include Wyatt as an older sibling. I searched high and low for something that said "My Big Brother" and found nothing that seemed right for me... for our family...

So, I took matters into my own hands and designed my own image in Photoshop that I mirrored so it could serve as an iron on transfer. After two failed attempts to master the art of actually getting my image on the onesie, I finally got it right! I love it, and think it will be the perfect first outfit to put Seth in when he is born. What do you think?

If you can't read it well in the picture, it says "My big brother sends all of his love from heaven". And I think on the day little man makes his entrance into the world and officially into our family, Wyatt really will be sending his love. I often wonder if Wyatt had anything to do with God blessing us with Seth so quickly after his death because he saw how sad we were that he was gone. I guess we'll never know this side of heaven, but it's nice to think that's the case at any rate.

And for those of you who like the onesie and are carrying a rainbow baby of your own or have had your rainbow baby already and would like to get a copy of the image so you can do your own iron on transfer, don't fret. I plan on posting the original image already mirrored on here so all you have to do is print it out on transfer paper and Iron it onto whatever surface you want. I'm working on a big sister design as well, and as soon as I have both done I'll post the images for you to grab!

In the meantime, I hope God keeps you well.

34 Weeks and Some Fun Pictures

2010-05-21T20:57:00.005-04:00

I can't believe I'm already this far along! I look up what a babies chance of survival is each week and I was thrilled to see that babies born after 34 weeks have a 95% chance of survival with medical intervention to assist their breathing. I feel like I can kind of breath now...kind of.

I realized I haven't posted a picture in a while, so I am going to get over myself and my dislike for being the one in front of the camera and post. Please forgive my naked face, I've become very lazy and don't really to put much effort in myself at the moment. Getting out of my pajamas is a cause for celebration these days!

And I've had some of you ask me about stretch marks and my belly button being in or out so I figured this front view would answer better than I can...

No, that's not a road map on my belly... it's stretch marks! Apparently I have lousy genetics. Cocoa butter and vitamin E oil used religiously during my first two pregnancies did absolutely nothing for me, so I just gave up and accepted my stomach as it is. The stretch marks really used to bother me if we're being honest here, but losing Wyatt really put that in perspective for me. It's proof my kids were here and that I was blessed to carry them. And yes, I've been an outie for a while now. I usually pop at about five and a half months.

Oh, and before I forget, if you have not yet entered our game to guess Seth's birth info, just click here to enter your guesses. It's so much fun to see what everyone thinks and I will be awarding a prize in honor of Seth's birth to the person who gets the closest! We have some really good guesses so far :)

On a different note, I had my weekly OB appointment today and Seth was doing great. My doctor sent me to the hospital for an ultrasound just to be cautious because of my spill last week (the machines are better over there than the ones at his office). I appreciate Dr. Joy so much for being overly cautious when it comes to all things baby. I've been so blessed to have him as my OB.

Seth was doing wonderful and he kept attacking the wand everywhere the US tech placed it. We got some really neat pictures too. The last one is my favorite because it looks like he is facing us and posing for a photograph!

And to end on a fun note. Do you remember me saying a few posts ago (you know, the one where I mentioned breaking my knee) how I was going stir crazy and was thinking about going to the store just to get out for a while? Well, I also mentioned how Joseph and I laughed at the idea of me being on the loose in Wal-Mart on a scooter and how nobody would be safe because of my lack of driving skills and general clumsiness.

Well, I'll have you know I did go to Wal-Mart...

I did not run into anyone...

Or anything...

And it wasn't as embarrassing as I thought it would be although I still felt silly.

And, this is the best part, I even remembered to have Joseph snap a shot of me on my scooter so I could share with you all! So without further adieu, I think this will be the perfect way to end this post. Until next time...

Very Belated Thank You's

2010-05-20T12:50:00.008-04:00

In keeping with the pattern of my life, I am very behind on thanking some very sweet women for gifts they have sent my way. I just took my time getting pictures of everything and I apologize it's taken me so long to get around to it. I am so thankful and touched my your generosity.

First of all, I received this handmade ornament from Jessalyn.

I absolutely love the picture of Jesus holding the baby above his head. When I think about Wyatt, that is one of the images I get in my head and it makes me smile to think that if I'm not able to do that with Wyatt, that there is no other "person" I would rather do it with him than Jesus.

I then received this plaque for Jennifer over at The Blue Sparrow as a gift for Seth. There are two tags left blank so that I can put Seth's birth stats after he is born. Jennifer picked up on the fact that I was having difficulty enjoying my pregnancy because of fear and she sent me this to make me feel better. What a sweet gesture! I took this picture 10 weeks ago (I told you I was really behind) when I was 24 weeks pregnant right before I hug it up on the wall in our office (which will be Seth's room).

I also got a package in the mail from Rachel, all the way from Hawaii! Inside, I found this adorable outfit for Seth. It has elephants on it as a way to honor Wyatt as a big brother and I think the outfit will be so handsome on little man when he gets here and grows big enough to wear it.

She even sent books and bracelets for the kids which they loved! Ansley asked if it was Christmas!

And then, to make a hard first Mother's Day without one of my children here a little easier, Sarita, who I am delighted has a blog now, sent me some stickers for the kids along with a beautiful tag with Wyatt's initials and an elephant on it. I don't know if she realized this, but Seth was even included by the addition of the lion!

Thank you so much ladies for the sweet and thoughtful gifts!

There has also been quite a few people who have sent pictures of Wyatt's name for his name gallery. I would like to say a special thank you to each of you! If you haven't seen Wyatt's name gallery just follow this link to see the creative pictures people have sent to me.

Tying Up Loose Ends

2010-05-20T11:10:00.006-04:00

As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I am really starting to "nest". I started going through this intense feeling that I needed everything in order by the time I reached my 33 week and 2 day mark (the day I had Wyatt in my last pregnancy). I guess I half way expected my pregnancy to end one way or another one that particular day for some reason... Can I just say I'm so glad it didn't!

I had nothing done that needs to be done before Seth makes his grand entrance into the world. I've been really bad about letting my fear of leaving the hospital empty handed paralyze me from doing anything except worry. I'm guilty of thinking about what we would do in the event of another tragic ending instead of what we'll do with the happy beginning I so hope we have instead. I've given it to God, and I hope... but I still realize I have no control over what is going to happen and it scares me. I'm scared because I can't know with 100% certainty that God has the same outcome planned for Seth as I hope he does. I feel like God and I are on the same page this time around, but I wish I could just fast forward and KNOW!

Anyways, I'm getting really off topic from what this post was originally supposed to be about...

I've had Seth's blanket, which I wrote about here earlier, close to being finished for a while, but I've been procrastinating to actually finish up the last couple of rows. You know, letting the fear thing do it's havoc on my mental well being and overall state of mind.

Well, not anymore. It's finally done!

And how awesome is it that we were given this adorable diaper bag that just so happens to have the exact same colors as I used in Seth's blanket? Pretty neat and not all a coincidence if you ask me!

And I didn't stop with finishing Seth's blanket...

I also packed a bag for Ansley to take to my mother and father in laws house with her clothes labeled and separated by fabric softener sheets so they will smell good if they have to sit in her bag for a while.

And I packed Eli's bag the same way...

And Seth's bag for the hospital complete with his lion and finished blanket...

I've even got my bag (sorry, I forgot to take a picture), complete with a change of clothes for Joseph, mostly packed minus the toiletry items and our electronic stuff (video camera, camera, phones, chargers, etc...).

But it doesn't stop there... I even got Eli's old car seat (the only baby thing we kept besides our double stroller) cleaned up and ready to be installed in our expedition. Of course we won't install until after Seth gets here, but it makes me feel better to know it is ready.

I still have lots to do, but I feel like I can breathe easier knowing I'm not completely unprepared. This was a huge step for me!

Update from Last Week

2010-05-20T10:03:00.002-04:00

Things have been pretty trying here this last week to say the least. Before I scare any of you, Seth is absolutely fine! With that said, I'll just jump into what has been going on.

My appointment last Thursday (May 13th) I was put on medication to stop contractions because I am having them roughly every 4 minutes. Before you freak out, let me just say that I have done this with each of my normal healthy pregnancies and I've made it to term (at least 37 weeks) before my babies have made their appearance.

The problem with the medications they use to stop the contractions is less than ideal however. As you know, I've been having some minor heart issues that have been causing me to pass out. Not so big of a deal except that my blood pressure bottoms out on me and my resting heart rate is really high. So how does this effect me while I'm on the medication for my contractions?

The two options I have for stopping contractions is by taking a shot of terbutaline (which makes my heart beat so fast they worry I'll have a heart attack) or the option we've chosen to go with..., which is putting me on a blood pressure medicine called procardia that can also stop contractions. The problem with this option is that my blood pressure is bottoming out already, on top of being on this medication now, it's making me really dizzy and I've been having more spells where I almost pass out.

My cardiologist showed me a trick at my appointment to keep me from passing out that requires me to cross and bend my knees while leaning forward slightly and compressing my fists into the center of my chest. It helps blood flow return to normal somehow and it's been working like a charm. However, right after I was put on the blood pressure medication to stop my contractions, I had a bit of an accident that resulted in me breaking my knee cap! So of course, with a broken knee cap, I can't bend my knee, put any type of weight on it, and most certainly can't cross my legs!

And for those of you wondering how I managed to break my knee, let's just say it involved spilled ice by one of my sweet children that I thought I had cleaned up. I apparently missed a spot, slipped, and fell with all my weight landing on my left knee! I've been taking tylenol for pain because I don't want to risk hurting Seth by taking something stronger. I'm really thankful (it happened a weeks ago today) that my knee had finally stopped throbbing all the time unless I overdo it. I see the orthopedic doctor again in about two weeks. So far I won't require surgery on my knee (I broke it in just the right spot), I'll just need time to let my knee heal.

So, I'm having dizzy spells (which the anemia and blood pressure medicine doesn't help with), my leg is in a brace, and I'm on crutches at 8 months pregnant! My life is all kinds of fun right now!

I really hope this post doesn't sound like I'm complaining. I'm actually really okay because Seth is doing beautifully through all this. Joseph and I have actually been able to laugh about this! It's really quite funny to see me and my big belly gimping around on crutches. We were both actually about in tears last night when I mentioned that I was going stir crazy and wanted to go to Wal-Mart just to get out of the house and maybe get a few things to pack in my hospital bag. That's not the funny part... there was mention of me in a scooter (scary) as a way of getting around the store instead of my crutches and how I'd have to get a picture to post on here so you all could share in my embarrassment. If any of you know anything about my driving, you'd be rolling on the floor right now too!

The good news? My contractions have stopped and Seth is healthy in spite of my mishaps.

The puzzler? I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to "walk" on Wyatt's birthday for his memory walk... and I'm still trying to figure out the logistics of how to deliver a baby when you can't bend your knee!

And really, there is no bad news. Just a couple of set backs as we get closer to finally meeting little man.

Let's Play a Game! Who Will Win?

2010-05-19T22:10:00.002-04:00

I have a few posts I am working on right now to get myself caught back up, but they will most likely wait until tomorrow...

Right now, I am in a really big nesting phase and I don't know what to do with myself! I thought it might be fun to start a game where I take all of your guesses as to what Seth's birthday, weight, length, and time of birth will be and I found a really nifty site that you can go to and enter in your guesses. Best of all, after Seth is born, I can go put in his correct info and it generates a winner which I will be awarding a prize to in honor or Seth's birth. Just go here to put your guess in and enter for your chance to win! I can't wait to see what everyone guesses!

This Was All I Got

2010-05-16T10:02:00.003-04:00

I've been staring at the clock all morning...

I woke up this morning and knew today was that day in my pregnancy.

It is now 10:03 in the morning and I am 33 seeks and 2 days pregnant. This is the day and the exact moment in my pregnancy with Wyatt that I met him for the first time. This is the time in my pregnancy with him that I whispered "hello my sweet baby boy" and "I'll miss you until I reach forever too".

By the time I even finish writing this sentence, Wyatt would have been born, he would have lived his entire life, and he would have died and entered into his eternal home in heaven.

I was allowed to carry Wyatt for 232 days plus a couple of hours and then he was just gone.

Reaching this milestone in my pregnancy with Seth should be reassuring, but I just feel robbed. I'm officially further along with Seth than I ever made it with Wyatt and it's a sickening feeling to think of the extras weeks, days, hours, or even seconds I could have experienced with Wyatt but wasn't able to.

It's strange to think that I've held a baby that was this far along. I can still feel how tiny and sweet Wyatt was in my arms and my arms ache to hold him today. It feels like a cruel joke that I am only 16 days further along with Seth than I was this time last year with Wyatt. Not only do I have this milestone to make it through today, but I have Wyatt's first birthday in 16 short days.

16 days...

And I'll be watching the clock once more as the seconds tick closer and closer to the end of Wyatt's life... again.

I am both heartbroken and thankful today. Heartbroken to think about a son a so dearly missed and thankful for another son that is still safely growing within my stomach. I didn't know it was possible to feel such a range of emotions all at the same time.

Lord, thank you for blessing me with Wyatt for as long as you did. Even though today is a very painful day for me, I realize Wyatt lived every single second he was meant to, and I hope I can find comfort in that today as I reflect upon his life. Thank you for letting me be a mother to Wyatt for the 232 days he was here. Thank you for the love that tiny little miracle brought into my life. The heartache of losing him makes the love we shared that much more special. Give Wyatt a big hug for me today and let him know that his mommy loves him more than words and misses him beyond all measure.