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Sunday, June 28, 2009

God Must Have Been Sleeping

Surely God must have fallen asleep when Wyatt's conception was taking place. He must have dozed off for just a second while our son's skeletal structure was formed. God must have been exhausted from the countless time he put into making such a perfect little boy for our family...

Where was God during my pregnancy with Wyatt as the fluid in his chest, and around his heart and lungs, increased? Maybe he momentarily got distracted. God wouldn't purposely let this happen to my son, would he?

God must have been directing his choir of angels when we cried out to him to heal our son. Or maybe he couldn't hear us over the sound of one of his thunderstorms...

What about when my water broke 6 weeks and 5 days too early? I wonder what God's excuse will be for that one!

And to top it off, maybe God was busy doing other things when Wyatt was born. But how could he ignore our precious baby as he was dying? How could he ignore all the prayers bombarding heaven to heal Wyatt? How could he ignore our family's heart as it was breaking?

Where was God?

He was carrying us as he prepared a place in heaven for our son.

God was always right where he needed to be. Everything happened exactly the way he meant for it to happen. God did create the perfect little boy for our family, we just have to wait until heaven before we get to bask in the glory of his life... his eternal life. God gave us a glimpse of heaven's beauty during the two minutes he gave us with Wyatt here on earth. What a glorious day it will be when I have eternity to hold Wyatt in my arms.

June Under the Tree

If you have lost a child and have not yet read about Under The Tree you can do so here.

This month is a little different. Instead of focusing on grief, it will be more of a 'get to know you' kind of thing. So here are some likes and dislikes and a little more about me.

Hair Color: Brunette with a slightly reddish tent. And yes, It's natural!

Eye color: Boring Old Brown

Profession: Mother of Three, and trying to start my own photography business

Relationship status: Happily Married

My Favorites:
Favorite color: Brown. It goes with everything!

Favorite movie: A Walk to Remember

Favorite animal: Dolphins and ducks

Favorite store: Kirkland's and Banana Republic

Favorite childhood memory: Riding on the big red tractor with my grandfather.

Favorite hobby: Taking pictures and writing

Favorite song/singer: This changes all the time, but I love the song Carry You by Selah. I think about my son every time I hear it
Favorite book/author: Little Women
Favorite school subject: English. I love writing.

Favorite vacation destination: Would love to go to Paris! Joseph and I have been trying to make it there for five years now, but we keep having babies!

Favoritefood: Chocolate of course! Potatoes are my comfort food though.

Favorite restaurant: Carrabba's. You have got to LOVE their sirloin marsala.

This or That
Coke or pepsi : Coke

Beer or wine: I like an occasional glass of red wine when Joseph and I are having a nice, quiet dinner by ourselves.

Coffee or tea: It really depends. I like both.

Apple Juice or O.J.: OJ

Summer or Winter: Summer! I don't do cold!

Cats or dogs: Cats

Salty or sweet: Sweet!

Plane or boat: I prefer having solid ground underneath me thank you very much!

Morning or night: I am more of a night person myself. Mornings and I don't get along very well.
Money or love: Love... no question about it.

Breakfast or dinner: Dinner. Again, breakfast goes along with mornings... no thanks!
Forgiveness or revenge: Forgiveness

House or apartment: House

Like to cook: I love cooking and trying new recipes. RecipeZaar is visited almost daily in my house!

Have You Ever:
Got a speeding ticket: I'm not going to answer that one because I refuse to jinx myself!

Wished you were someone else: I used to. Over time however, I have become very comfortable in my own skin.
Cried during a movie: I'm a fountain!
Describe yourself in one word: Compassionate

Biggest fear: Being called to surrender another one of my children.
Biggest mistake: Where do I even begin?

Your proudest accomplishment: My family

Dream job: Photographer. Capturing people's happiest moments in life.

Special talents: Making anything chocolate disappear... And in record time!

Where would you rather be at the moment: At the beach. I have been longing to go for a while now...

Famous person you want to meet: Nobody famous. I just want to meet Wyatt in his eternal body. Oh, I miss him terribly.
Song to be played at your funeral: It is well with my soul. Very special song to me, and it was played at Wyatt's funeral.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Give Me Joy

When the alarm went off this morning I did not want to move. Partially because every muscle in my body is sceaming at me for starting to exercise again yesterday, but that's a different story altogether. I just wanted to roll back over and hide. Unfortunately, I don't quite have enough talent to ignore a blaring alarm clock (which I had already reset 4 times...), so it was rise and shine to grumpy ol' me. As I got the kids ready to head out the door to take little Miss Ansley to school, I started thinking of what the day ahead of me would hold. I have housework that desperately needs to be done along with a list of honey-do's I have been procrastinating to do for the last week or so. Sounds like a day of fun, huh?

After Ansley was safely dropped off at school... and after Eli's tried to steal Ms. Oldham's breakfast... and Ansley's... and the poor little boy's who was sitting next to Ansley..., I decided the chores could wait an extra couple of hours. I wanted some "mommy" time with Eli. I wasn't ready to come back home to this quiet house, and besides, the weather was perfect this morning (It would have been wrong to waste it by staying inside)... so off to the park we went.

And for those of you who are wondering, I had already given Eli his breakfast (two waffles) at home, but apparently he wanted more. He takes eating very seriously!

Okay, where were we? That's right, taking Eli to the park...

I've never been to the park with just Eli before. It's a shame we don't take the kids up there more often. Eli had a blast, and, if we're being completely honest here, so did I! He never stayed in one place for more than a couple of seconds and he ran away from me laughing because he thought it was comical to make me chase him to get his pictures. Yes, I was trailing him with my camera in hand! What else would I be doing? Eli would hide from me (don't worry, I could see him the entire time) and laugh hysterically when he "scared" mommy by R-O-A-R-ing at me or screaming "BOOO", as he leapt from behind his hiding place.

In the midst of playing with Eli, It occurred to me that I was actually genuinely laughing. The smile on my face wasn't the mask I put on day to day... It was real. My laugh wasn't the one I usually have to force out... It was a pure joy that just spilled out of me. I wasn't sure if I would ever find my joy again. My heart has felt like it was too broken to ever be able to feel anything but hurt. I may laugh again tomorrow and I might not. It might be weeks or even months before I have another "genuine" moment, but I have hope. I feel like God gave me that moment to show me that I am capable of feeling happiness and joy even in the midst of a broken heart. Thank you Lord. Besides, how can your heart not overflow when you have this smiling back at you?...

Sunday, June 21, 2009

A Message from Heaven on Father's Day...

Daddy can you feel me
Do you know I'm near
I wish that I could be with you
On Father's day this year.

I know your hurting daddy
I see it everyday
If only I could let you see
I'm better than okay.

Heaven is so pretty daddy
I'm wrapped in angel's wings
I'm spending time with Jesus
While I hear heaven's choir sing.

I can't wait to show you daddy
the streets are made of gold
Oh, and even better daddy,
Up here my body's whole!

You still have things to do down there
Until your time is through
Oh, but when that day comes daddy
I can't wait to run to you!

Happy father's day from heaven daddy! I love you...
Love always, Wyatt

Friday, June 19, 2009

A Whole Lot of Random!

I know, I'm sorry... It's been a while since my last post. I have had so much that I wanted to say that the thought of actually sitting down and typing it out seemed overwhelming! Well, I'm getting to the point where trying to actually remember everything I wanted to type is proving to be more of a challenge. So here I am clicking away on my little keyboard.

Now, Where to start?

I guess we'll start with my two week post-partum appointment today. It went very well. My incision from the c-section is healing very nicely. I have one tiny area that is "irritated", so I am on "doctors orders" to treat it with hydrogen peroxide and neosporin twice a day and Dr. M thinks it will be completely healed within a week. As far as everyday activity, I can resume doing anything I feel comfortable doing including exercise (I have mixed feelings about this one)!

I also asked Dr.M about getting me on some form of birth control, and we decided to try the Nova ring. I don't even want to think about getting pregnant again right now or any time in the near or distant future for that matter. It's not that I wouldn't LOVE to have more children,... Right now, I just can't see myself ever being brave enough to try for another little one. So, as of right now, we are on birth control and have no plans of trying for another child. I'll re-open this subject when our hearts have had a lot more time to heal.


Skipping to a completely new beat, I want to share something amazing with you. I met a wonderful woman named Sarah here in the blogging community. She has a blog called Oh the Possibilities! A couple of days ago we were complete strangers to one another. Through God's guiding hand I left a comment on a post I found on her blog where she was requesting prayers and encouragement for one of her brothers. She in turn, came to my blog and read Wyatt's story. We exchanged a couple of e-mails where I told her about an idea I had that would allow Wyatt to continue to be a blessing to others through us (I'll be sharing this brilliant idea in my next random change of subject so stick with me).

I never expected God to find a way to let Wyatt continue to be a blessing to us through others, but when I opened up my email yesterday morning, I found this beautiful picture from Sarah and her brother.

Simply Beautiful. A picture that speaks all the beauty of what God accomplished through a beautiful little boy that came to visit this earth in a broken little body. A life that continues to matter even to a complete stranger and her brother who happened across his story. A life that continues to find ways to be a blessing to me even after his earthly passing. God is so good. Thank you Sarah for being such a blessing to our family.


So what was this brilliant idea that intrigued a complete stranger to do something so wonderful for our family? I'm so glad you asked!

I have been praying for God to show me how to continue to give Wyatt's life meaning. I have felt that there was still more to Wyatt's life than we have witnessed so far... I just wasn't sure what. I'm still not completely sure what God still has in store, but I know God will reveal that in his own time. I was however, given a glimpse...

I think you will agree with me that Wyatt was a blessing to everyone who had the privilege of knowing, loving, and praying for him while he was here. If not to anyone else, he was to me. I'm not ready for that to stop.

I was looking into some grief sites a couple of days ago, and found the MISS foundation. They have something called The Kindness Project, and I immediately KNEW this was something I wanted to do. Like I said, it is a brilliant idea, I just wish I had thought of it myself! The cards offered on the website weren't quite personal enough for my taste, so I spent an afternoon making up my own cards. Here is what I came up with...

Our family will deliberately be doing a Random Act of Kindness every Monday (the day of the week Wyatt was born) so our son can continue to be a blessing in other people's lives. Mondays will forever be RAK day in our home as will the first day of every month. We will be keeping a book (Still trying to come up with a clever name...) with a picture of the personalized card along with a journal of the RAK we chose to do and how it positively touched the life of the person we did it for. We also invite friends and family to join us. We just ask that a journal entry of your RAK be sent to us so that we can include it in our book.

And if you have suffered a loss, first of all let me express how deeply sorry I am. I would love to hear your story so that I can know how to be praying for you. I hope hearing our story will help in some small way. Maybe you will even have your own RAK day as a way to let a special someone continue to bless others...

It is amazing how God's Guiding hand takes you exactly where you need to be if you will just follow him. He never promises where he takes you will be easy, but he does promise to take care of you. God lead our family into a very dark valley, but he has taken care of us and sustained us. By walking into the valley he lead us to, we have seen more beauty and grace in these last eight months than we have seen in our entire lifetime. God's ways are perfect, and our lives are so much richer because of the road he has our family traveling.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Lord, this hurts!

Lord, what are you doing? This hurts more than I could have ever imagined. I know how blessed I am to have gotten the time you gave me with Wyatt, but I can't feel that right now. All I can feel is the hurt. 

There is this aching in my arms that won't go away. My arms are screaming to hold the marvelous 4 pounds 0.6 ounces of my son's weight close to my chest again. This emptiness in my arms is unbearable. I walk around the house holding Wyatt's blanket in my arms just to feel like I am carrying a piece of him around with me... just to feel some weight in these empty arms.

The silence of his cry I never got to hear is deafening. How can I miss a sound I never even got to hear? But here I am... every part of me longing to hear his cry.

Shouldn't the world be standing still? I feel like my world stopped turning two weeks ago when Wyatt had to leave me here and go on to his eternal life without me. I wasn't ready to stop protecting him. I wasn't ready to give him back. GodI want him back.

I feel like such a failure and I know it is just Satan trying to nudge his way into my life. But I still feel like I failed Wyatt non the less. It says in the bible that faith even as small as a tiny mustard seed can move mountains... I tried. I poured so much faith into Wyatt's pregnancy...I just knew God would heal him and let him stay here with us... and it still wasn't enough. Is it not enough that my heart is broken? Why do I have to feel like I failed my son too?

I miss Wyatt. And that is the greatest under-statement I could ever make. There are simply no words that could begin to adequately describe the longing of my heart for my son. So, for lack of better words... I miss Wyatt.

These last couple of days have been extremely difficult. I'm finally realizing that for the rest of my life, I don't get to make anymore memories with Wyatt. Instead, I'm left with a lifetime of "what if" and "I wonder". Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful I was able to make so many beautiful memories with Wyatt while he was here... but as hard as I tried, creating a lifetime with him in the eight months he was with us just wasn't possible. I had so much more I wanted to tell him. I have so much more love to give him...

Please, please be in prayer for God to give our family peace. I want to be able to think about my son without my heart breaking all over again. I want to be able to say his name without feeling the sting of tears in my eyes. I want my world to start spinning again. I'm scared of getting stuck in this valley as the rest of the world continues to pass me by. My world has to start spinning again... there is still more to Wyatt's life than we have seen.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Beautiful Moments

Our family has traveled a very rough road these last 8 months... We went from overwhelming joy to be expecting another child, to being heartbroken when we finally had to give Wyatt back to God...

We lived our lives in a constant limbo of preparing for the worst and having faith that God would perform a miracle and heal our son. I did not have an easy pregnancy by any measure. I often found myself being forced to find and stay focused on the positive aspects of my time with Wyatt instead of dwelling on how uncomfortable I was. Seeing Wyatt and knowing we breathed the same air for two precious moments made every ache and pain seem trivial...

I went from crying tears of joy when the doctor told me Wyatt was alive to being in utter disbelief when Joseph returned holding Wyatt and telling me that his time with us here had run its course. I had really hoped God would answer our prayers with a different answer... I so wanted to hear Wyatt's little cry. To hold him close to me and feel his little heart beating against my chest. I said hello and goodbye to Wyatt all at the same time.

Although Joseph and I never actually got to hold Wyatt alive, I want to share with you some of my favorite moments with him. Moments that we only received because Wyatt was a fighter. Moments that we received against all odds. Moments we were never supposed to get...

After Wyatt passed and was wrapped in a blanket, Joseph brought him over and laid his little body next to my head... The hospital staff unstrapped my arm from the table so that I could reach out and touch him. His body was so warm. I snuggled my check against his body and basked in his warmth. It was my moment to praise God for giving my son life...for giving him warmth.

When we got back to my room, I uncovered Wyatt to get a better look at his tiny hands and feet... they were so small. We were never able to get a good look at his hands and feet by ultrasound, but they were just perfect. Wyatt always seemed to have his right hand in his mouth during our ultrasounds and it was amazing to finally get a chance to hold onto that little hand and kiss his tiny feet.

Looking back over the last week and a half, I must say we were incredibly blessed that God chose to give us Wyatt. Yes, knowing and loving Wyatt brought a heartache greater than anything we have ever known (only because it hurt so much to give him back), but it also brought a love and beauty to our lives that will forever shine its light in our family. The world is a better place just for having Wyatt in it, even if just for two minutes...

Saturday, June 6, 2009

I just wanted to take the time to thank everyone for their prayers and support. Everyone has been so wonderful during a difficult time in our lives... 

For everyone that came to the hospital, viewing, or funeral, we are deeply grateful for allowing us the opportunity to introduce you to our son! We are so incredibly proud of Wyatt and although we wish it were under happier circimstances, we were honored to introduce Wyatt to all of our friends and family. 

And to all who were unable to be here in body, we know you were here in thought... and we thank you deeply. Wyatt fought so hard to stick around and meet us and God allowed that to happen. What a blessing it was to hold him in our arms, and I know it was made possible because of the faithfulness and prayers of everyone who has been seeking God on our families behalf.

We ask that you continue to keep our family in your prayers... We are all aching to hold Wyatt in our arms again. Our hearts are hurting beyond any pain we could have ever imagined. We don't understand why God chose to take Wyatt from us. We never will this side of heaven. Your prayers and love are greatly cherished as we walk through this dark valley. Thank you again for being a part of our sons life. It has meant more to us than you will ever know to be able to share such a wonderful little boy with you.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Nice to Meet you!

Our precious little angel made his way into the world on June 1. 2009. He weighed 4 pounds 0.6 ounces and was 12 1/2 inches long. The doctors said we would never get to see our son alive and we got a precious 2 minutes with him before he made his way into the arms of our Lord in heaven. We miss him dearly, but feel so blessed to have been given that time with our Wyatt.

Wyatt never cried. He never opened his eyes, but we got to see his chest rise and fall with the breath of life God chose to give him. He got to hear our voices and feel our love before he went on to wait for us to meet one day in heaven. Wyatt was truly worth the wait, so I know it will be more than worth the wait until we meet again.

Wyatt, we love you with all of our heats and miss you beyond all words. Thank you for letting us be your parents. It was my honor to carry you inside of me until you were ready to grow your wings.