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Sunday, April 26, 2009

A New Perspective

I know I have posted quite a bit these last few days, but I really want to share this time of our lives with you. To the right, you will see a picture of our little Wyatt taken just over my 22 week mark... He has a strikingly handsome resemblance to his big brother, wouldn't you say? 

Having that 4D ultrasound done was the best thing Joseph and I have ever done! I have to be completely honest,... we were both apprehensive about having it done. We had no idea what to expect due to Wyatt's skeletal condition. All the doctor's kept telling us was how deformed he would be, and I guess we went into this believing them. Shame on us! 

As soon as Lisa (our Ultrasound technician) pulled up a picture of Wyatt's face you could feel any of the tension that was in the room completely evaporate. He was perfect! You see, It was only by God's grace that I found someone willing to do a 4D ultrasound on a baby that was "unhealthy". I talked to a number of other people who refused to offer their services before I finally called Lisa. It just so happened that she had just given birth to a baby girl a couple weeks prior, and wanted to give us the opportunity to see our son alive. She admitted she was uncomfortable and scrutinized over her answer to us before she returned our call, but after praying about it, felt she would regret turning us away. Thank you lord, for people of compassion and conviction!

It was such a different feeling to be able to just spend 30 minutes with our son. 30 whole minutes without doctors scrutinizing over measurements and finding new things that added to his prognosis. Precious time where we were able to see him suck on his fingers, get frustrated from a bout with the hiccups, yawn, and even smile! Toward the end of the ultrasound, Wyatt decided he didn't want to entertain company anymore and kept turning away so we couldn't see his little face. Just when we were about to give up, Joseph pulled himself close to my stomach and started talking to Wyatt. Wyatt jerked his little head toward his daddy's voice, and I kid you not, he started dancing! We got some of our best pictures from those last couple of minutes... 

I honestly wasn't sure if I would ever get to see Wyatt alive or not. Well guess what...I already have! I most certainly didn't expect to know he was a right handed thumb sucker, or that he already dances better than his father! Leave it up to God to completely surpass any expectations you might have. With each new "first" I got to witness of Wyatt , I could hear G
od whispering to me, "Don't you see that I am a big God. Don't you see the miracle I have given you".  

Yes, I know that I serve a mighty God. I have railed at him, I have fallen on my face and begged him to heal Wyatt, I've tried making deals with him, and I have railed at him some more. (Can't you just picture God trying to stay calm while he's carrying around this hysterical woman who is screaming at the top of her lungs? Limbs flailing every which way as she throws a full blown temper tantrum? Yup, that would be me!)But you know what, he's never forsaken me. Even in my fits of anger and despair he continues to carry me. It is his strength that sustains me.

I came across a baby book I put together for Ansley a few weeks ago. The front said, "Baby's First Year". I lost it. I slumped into the corner of her closet as I clutched onto her baby book, and sobbed until I couldn't breathe. Every inch of my body was shaking uncontrollably and I felt dizzy from hyperventilating... I started praying to God. I told him he had given me more than I can bear this time. I told him it wasn't fair, and that I wanted a book of first's for Wyatt. I told him that Wyatt was MY son and that I didn't want to give him back. God was getting sandblasted from every angle... And then I felt it. Wyatt kicked me. You might be thinking, "Okay, so what's the big deal, your pregnant. Your SUPPOSED to feel your baby kick." Exactly. It had been WEEKS since I felt Wyatt move. I have to check his heartbeat every morning just to make sure he is still with us. But in the midst of my heart breaking for what seemed the millionth time in the last 10 weeks... with a simple little kick, God reminded me of what a blessing this part of my life is. 

My mind drifted back to the 4D ultrasound and the beautiful pictures we had of our son. I picked myself up off the floor of Ansley's closet and pulled out the pictures from our session. As I shuffled through the stack of photographs, I said,"There's his first smile to mommy and daddy," and "That was the first time we saw him suck his thumb". Only God knows if I will be able to witness more of Wyatt's "First's", but I realized how thankful I should be for what God has given me. Plain and simple, I have been given a beautiful baby boy who I will be able to love forever. God could have chosen not to bless us with Wyatt but we would have missed out on a lifetime of joy and happiness. So I'll take the pain. I'll take the tears. I'll take hurt and wrap a little bow around it... It just makes our time with Wyatt that much more joyful.